Getting over being really self-conscious when liking someone!

[pinkelephant]

Everytime I like a guy, I feel so horribly self-conscious and I get stupid about it, like, "oh my god, he probably thinks I'm gross and stupid for having a chance!". I then try to avoid eye-contact and get really awkward and silly around them. I have a crush on (don't laugh please!) my TA. Another one. I feel so stupid about it, since I've had a crush on a TA before AND asked him out (he ignored me!!). I'm worried that everyone and their g-ma knows about it -- including the current TA crush. I'm really obvious when I like someone. I blush, smile a lot, stare, twirl my hair. I can't help it. I even try to not look at him, but I get impulsive and steal a look here and there anyway. I'm 22, but have a mentality of a 12 yrold when it comes to boys (or men.. hah!).

 

 

 

Before my TA was really nice and friendly to me, but I think he figured out that I like him now so he doesn't talk to me anymore! I ran into him while getting coffee the other day and said hi, smiled really big and kind of tucked my hair but he kept walking, just said hi with a blank face. Then during lab, he put some music on and asked me if it was okay. I was like, " ya, it's fine, thanks for asking" turned and smile at him... I got the blank face staring back at me. Later on, a bunch of us were talking and he made a joke. Nobody really laughed but me (LOL) and I kind of looked at him. He gave me that blank look again!!! It happened again on friday when he walked into my friend and I. He talked to my friend but gave me the blank look when I looked over to say hi so I decided to not say hi and just went back to studying.

 

 

I feel like a total leper, right now. I can't figure out why he dislike me THAT much? It's not like I'm physically unattractive and I'm not obnoxious. I don't try to get his attention during labs. I try to avoid him if anything, because I don't want to be annoying and just get work done. I think normally, people would try to flirt right? It's okay to do that? I don't know if I'm projecting or am I making this TA uncomfortable? Both?

 

 

I know there's a few grad students here. If you guys can answer and pout my mind at ease, it'd be great.

Q: Does it make you feel uncomfortable when students get crushes on you? I don't try to make a move on him or anything like that. I just get really smiley!!

 

For those that aren't TA's, weigh in, do you think I'm being a complete creep or something? And just to clarify for those who are wondering, TA's are just teaching assistants. They do have a say in your grades, probably 25-30%, so we're not allowed to date during.

[OntheWire]

I had a couple really attractive students that liked me. One asked me out for beers... I just said, "No." and I'm sure it came off abrupt and completely disinterested. She backed off and never showed interest again.

 

The truth was, I thought she was amazing. But being in a teaching position, I knew it would just be bad mojo to get involved with a student.

[pinkelephant]

I had a couple really attractive students that liked me. One asked me out for beers... I just said, "No." and I'm sure it came off abrupt and completely disinterested. She backed off and never showed interest again.

 

The truth was, I thought she was amazing. But being in a teaching position, I knew it would just be bad mojo to get involved with a student.

 

Not even when the semester was over?

[SoMuchLove]

Just don't flirt with him or give him extra attention. He may think "she doesn't like me anymore". I'd just say leave him alone.

 

Plenty of other guys out there. Why would you want to give extra attention if it's not mutual? You'll only hurt yourself when you see him dating someone else instead of you.

 

When people have crushes on me I'm jus indifferent. People like anybody. Always have always will so it's never anything special.

[OntheWire]

Not even when the semester was over?

 

Problem is, I'd already said no and pushed her away. I'd love to have asked her out later on, but I knew that just wouldn't go over well. Women get pretty bitter after rejection, I find.

 

The whole problem with the teacher/student thing is that for it to work, the student needs to have the sense to wait till the semester is over and then make the first move. Any teacher with sense is not going to make the first move, even after the semester is over, because he/she recognizes their position of authority and the awkwardness it could create for the student were the student not interested.

 

If she had come up to me after she were no longer my student and asked me out, I would have gone for sure.

[pinkelephant]

Problem is, I'd already said no and pushed her away. I'd love to have asked her out later on, but I knew that just wouldn't go over well. Women get pretty bitter after rejection, I find.

 

The whole problem with the teacher/student thing is that for it to work, the student needs to have the sense to wait till the semester is over and then make the first move. Any teacher with sense is not going to make the first move, even after the semester is over, because he/she recognizes their position of authority and the awkwardness it could create for the student were the student not interested.

 

If she had come up to me after she were no longer my student and asked me out, I would have gone for sure.

 

Well, your reaction was pretty harsh but understandable. That's too bad that you didn't go after her after the semester was over. I think it wouldn't have been weird if you explained the situation.

[pinkelephant]

Just don't flirt with him or give him extra attention. He may think "she doesn't like me anymore". I'd just say leave him alone.

 

Plenty of other guys out there. Why would you want to give extra attention if it's not mutual? You'll only hurt yourself when you see him dating someone else instead of you.

 

When people have crushes on me I'm jus indifferent. People like anybody. Always have always will so it's never anything special.

 

Ya, I'm definitely going to try and ignore him from now on. He's making me feel like such an idiot! I had a problem during the last lab, but I just tried to work it out myself because I didn't want to have to call him for help. There's definitely plenty of guys out there. I seriously wonder why he's shunning me like that? It doesn't sound like it's just in my head though right?

[OntheWire]

Well, your reaction was pretty harsh but understandable. That's too bad that you didn't go after her after the semester was over. I think it wouldn't have been weird if you explained the situation.

 

I don't think most students understand the weird position it puts a teacher in when they show interest. All normal rules of attraction no longer apply... it's a completely different scenario.

 

In any case, a lot changes by the end of a semester. I'm sure she had lost interest by then anyways.

[pinkelephant]

I don't think most students understand the weird position it puts a teacher in when they show interest. All normal rules of attraction no longer apply... it's a completely different scenario.

 

In any case, a lot changes by the end of a semester. I'm sure she had lost interest by then anyways.

 

Can you expand on that? Weird as in, you can get in a lot of trouble? Do you think my unintentional showing of interest is making him uncomfortable? I didn't think it was overboard, but it might be from a TA's point of view.

 

 

I've always wondered, even if you date after the class is over, wouldn't you be hesitant to, just because others will KNOW you've TA'ed her? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people thinking he 'favoured' me during class -- so I'm sure it must cross your minds?

[SoMuchLove]

I seriously wonder why he's shunning me like that? It doesn't sound like it's just in my head though right?

 

He's just not interested. Now that he thinks you like him more than just a friends he feels he can have you if he wants to. So he feels he doesn't need to put in any effort into getting you. People call it game playing... ITS NOT. It's how ATTRACTION WORKS. It's been this way for centuries. The only time you don't have to worry about attracting with "tactics" is if you are just honest and genuine and ya really don't care if some doesn't like you because thre are 6.5 billion people on the planet. "Game playing" is a waste of time. Remember that your time has value and your not gonna waste it on someone who isn't worth it.

 

Also, try to have multiple people you may potentially like. This eliminates you chasing that "one special guy" who really isn't special at all.

 

YOU ALWAYS HAVE OTHER OPTIONS. HIS LOSS NOT YOURS.

 

No. It's not in you head. If he was cool and fine at first and then changed it's clearly not. However, if he's always just been laid back and non-flirty then he's just being himself and your flustered because he isn't giving you the attention/validation you want from him.

 

Anyways, you can keep me updated my PM-ing if you want. Anything to help.

 

SML~

[OntheWire]

Can you expand on that? Weird as in, you can get in a lot of trouble? Do you think my unintentional showing of interest is making him uncomfortable? I didn't think it was overboard, but it might be from a TA's point of view.

 

 

I've always wondered, even if you date after the class is over, wouldn't you be hesitant to, just because others will KNOW you've TA'ed her? I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people thinking he 'favoured' me during class -- so I'm sure it must cross your minds?

 

There's sort of a stigma attached to the student/teacher relationship thing, mostly due to creepy older teachers that have no business asking out 20 year old girls. At any given university, you'll inevitably read about some professor that crossed the line. Now, if you're only a grad student/TA, then the stigma isn't quite as bad, but you still feel it because you're in the same position of authority.

 

You have to consider, grad students have done a lot of work to get where they are, and they're in the process of doing a lot more work. One misunderstanding with a student can really muck up the works. That's why I always distanced myself explicitly from any student that seemed to get too close/show too much interest. From an exterior point of view, it probably seems cold, but it's simply self-preservation. The students have a hard time grasping that because there's no risk from their position... if a student asks out a teacher and gets shot down, no harm/no foul. But if a teacher does it, it can become bad gossip or worse.

 

As for after the semester is over, like I said, if my former student had asked me out then, I would have been fine with it. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

[OntheWire]

He's just not interested.

 

I completely disagree with this assessment. Being a TA, it's more than plausible he's trying to be responsible to his position and not get caught up in something that is frowned upon.

[pinkelephant]

I completely disagree with this assessment. Being a TA, it's more than plausible he's trying to be responsible to his position and not get caught up in something that is frowned upon.

 

Haha, I like this answer just because it allows for hope. He just got his TA award too, so it kind of feeds the theory?

 

 

Let's pretend for a minute that this is the case. What would the student do to make you feel like you CAN ask them out at the end of the semester? I'm not asking another TA out. The last one ignored me (after flirting with me DURING class!) and that was sufficiently embarrassing. Do not want to be known as the girl who goes after all her TA's, LOL. my school is small.

[OntheWire]

Haha, I like this answer just because it allows for hope. He just got his TA award too, so it kind of feeds the theory?

 

 

Let's pretend for a minute that this is the case. What would the student do to make you feel like you CAN ask them out at the end of the semester? I'm not asking another TA out. The last one ignored me (after flirting with me DURING class!) and that was sufficiently embarrassing. Do not want to be known as the girl who goes after all her TA's, LOL. my school is small.

 

Honestly, I'd never ask a student out...even after the semester. The only difference with the semester being over is at that point, I'd be open to her interests.

 

I do believe the guy should make the first move in dating... except in cases like this. When it comes to student/teacher, the student will just have to go out on a limb or forever hold her peace. As a student, she has a lot less to lose by making the move.

 

My advice: if you're still interested after the semester is over, then ask him out directly. Until then, just keep your mind elsewhere.

[pinkelephant]

Honestly, I'd never ask a student out...even after the semester. The only difference with the semester being over is at that point, I'd be open to her interests.

 

I do believe the guy should make the first move in dating... except in cases like this. When it comes to student/teacher, the student will just have to go out on a limb or forever hold her peace. As a student, she has a lot less to lose by making the move.

 

My advice: if you're still interested after the semester is over, then ask him out directly. Until then, just keep your mind elsewhere.

 

What if the student expresses interest AFTER the class is done, when you see each other around on campus? Will you be inclined to ask her out then? I'm definitely not asking another TA out.

 

 

I'm even tempted to flirt with another guy infront of him, but that will probably be stupid and ruin my chances even more (if I even have one).

[OntheWire]

What if the student expresses interest AFTER the class is done, when you see each other around on campus?

 

While I would be receptive to her flirtations or interests, I still wouldn't ask her out.

 

The fact is, as a teacher or TA or professor, there are some things that are just better passed up than pressed. There are plenty of girls out there that aren't students and there's no career-risk involved there.

[SoMuchLove]

Ah. I completely missed that Teaching Assistant(TA?? Never heard the term...) That's what I get for skiming through. Thanks for the clarification.

 

Hm... well all in all it might be something that would be worth pursuing. Just don't stress over it. Like I satted you'll always have options.

 

Good luck

[pinkelephant]

So guys. Totally in my head. He just walked by and started talking to me lol. I was actually studying and didn't even notice him. Broke my concentration though... He's so cuuuuute.