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For people who have been through this before, can you reccomend some things I can do to make myself feel slightly better. I'm not interested in medications/therapy (expensive etc...) but I would like to see what you guys do to get over this kind of pain.

 

A summary: My girlfriend of 2 years cheated on me, multiple times with one man, and twice with two other people. I loved her with all my life and the pain is really excruciating. I can't even describe it. I found out 3 weeks ago and I still cry.

 

Any suggestions?

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- Work out

- hang out with friends

- try a new hobby

- travel

- make plans for the future and follow them through

- most important: no contact with your ex

 

In summary: keep yourself busy and remember that time heals all wounds.

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Crying is a part of the healing process and a times can make us actually feel better. Try to keep busy with things, connect with old friends, salvage old friendships even go on a trip.

The pain you are feeling now feels like there is nothing worse that can happen and nothing worse that can hurt more. Trust me I understand what you are going through.

 

But always remember after a rainy day there is sunshine and rainbow. You will make it. Give it time and lots of it.

You will go from constantly crying to crying less, from feeling so much pain to feeling less. You might even come to a stage where you feel just numb, or feel nothing at all, but as time goes on you will feel frustrations, jealousy, anger, love, hate. Don't be surprised if one morning you wake up and totally feel like you hate her and half an hour later you love her.

 

Try to concentrate on YOU. It's hard forgetting about someone who has hurt you and getting past that. I know what you're going through. Go to the gym, involve yourself in some kind of sport. You have no idea how much it can help.

 

Try yoga if you will. I'm currently at a point where I'm doing yoga sometimes 4 times a day. I have a sprained wrist, but I still try to go for a jog and hit the gym. I feel it helps me deal with the pain. Bonus in all that is you're going to look and FEEL so much better. Even for a little while!

 

Concentrate on NOW and not feeling the pain now. I'm not even thinking about next week. and think of it this way, BE GLAD you found out NOW, rather than God forbid you got married and found out what she did. You might have lost a lot now, but you also gained a lot.

 

Sometimes things turn out for the best, or at a time when it's better to know earlier rather than later.

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Yup, nothing that hasn't already been suggested. Keep your mind occupied on something else, but don't completely hold back your emotions. Suppression of the feelings in your heart is just as unhealthy as spending all day thinking about your ex. Grief and cry when you feel it's appropriate and then work on re-establishing yourself and your well-being. It takes time and you will be surprised by how much better you feel by embracing your friends and passions. Out of this break up I have strengthened a few friendships and have improved as a musician.

 

I wrote this in a thread the other day after feeling my first "up" of the healing process after the breakup with my girlfriend. Save it, read it as a reminder:

 

I will accept the hurt from this break up, but will not let it destroy my life.

 

I will restore the essential qualities - the joy, goodness, and self-satisfaction - that I owned before meeting this person. I will understand and realize that these qualities always belong to me, now and forever.

 

I will turn to those who care about me in times of hurt, rather than rely completely on myself.

 

I will put forth effort to meet new people and to take in new perceptions.

 

I will look at this as a learning experience, and will apply this new knowledge and wisdom to future relationships.

 

I will accept that there is sometimes only so much I can do, and if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.

 

Hang in there, buddy. You will grow from this, whether you see it or not. Two/three weeks ago, I couldn't see it. I was bombarded with the same gentle reminders and couldn't believe it. But you have to give it time for it to come into fruition.

 

The worst thing you could do is continue to communicate with your ex. I thought it would be helpful. It was for the first couple emails, and then I got increasingly hurt. You pass a threshold and feelings of anger and resentment bubble up, because you're chasing the item on the string that is ever-so-slightly out of your reach. Exhausted, you stop chasing and walk your own path. You have to trust that your ex is taking care and able to get through this. If you worry about her/him, you are not letting go. Slaying these painful emotions begins to happen when you disconnect yourself from the source of such pain.

 

The transition from old and new is unsettling, but stay with it. Whatever you do, strive to deal with it in the most mature way, because such habits will be with you for quite some time. This was a break up with my first girlfriend, love, and sexual partner. It threw me in a huge tailspin, but immediately fell right into a long 2 weeks at school, in which the demands put my mind on something other than the break up. The experience was stressful yet a blessing. I have learned a lot through this forum, so I dealt with it better than some people do.

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Oh, I forgot something.

 

If you find yourself at home and thinking about her, watch a movie or a TV show you really like.

 

I found Flashpoint a really show to get in to and a friend gave me all 3 seasons of this show and I just kept watching and watching.

Another good one now is apparently Merlin, NCIS LA and I have about 50 movies I plan on watching.

 

Some people can't concentrate, but I found it rather interesting because it keeps my mind busy at least for a little while.

 

Invest in a good book took. You will find your mind wondering but it's all a part of healing.

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What about meeting new people, is there such thing as too soon (in terms of dating)?

 

I'm sure it's different for everyone and in different relationships.

 

However, you are depressed on some days because you are thinking about your ex, then you've still got some time to heal. I cannot speak from experience, since I'm currently going through the beginning of a break up with my first girlfriend... but from what it seems, the "up and down" emotional roller coaster fades away.

 

You will basically know for yourself when there is no longer an empty void that has a desire to be filled. Some fill that empty void with a new relationship, but they are really just avoiding the work that needs to be done on themselves - the time spent on their own.

 

The mind plays tricks. Some days you feel as confident and happy as ever, then the next morning you feel horrible. Then you may feel neutral later that day, then confident, then depressed. On the confident days, or waves, you might feel ready to meet someone in new (dating-wise)... but you are soon emotionally reminded that you are being fooled into thinking that you are healed, when really it's just a wave.

 

I'd say, and just from the amount of time I think it will take, that you will need at least the amount of time the relationship lasted. So, if you were in a year long relationship, you'd probably need to give yourself at least that long to heal. You might be confident on one of the days after the first month, but you could just plummet back down the next day. My ex and I were together for 5 months and broke up 3 weeks ago, so I anticipate a good few more months should pass before I consider dating. "Should" because it's probably better to wait longer than sooner. Your mind may be ready to date, but your heart is still in need of healing.

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You'll know in your heart when you're ready. The sooner you confront it, the better off you'll be. I mean, there are things you can do to lift your spirit and regain confidence, but you can't skip to the end of the healing process. Only time alone will heal. Don't take my word for it, though. Like I said, you'll know when you know... but be the wise, mature one, not the desperate fool.

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