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Dumped by a phony-baloney polyamorist


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I'm in the midst of a breakup now. It was with a woman who at least claimed to be polyamorous. I was OK with her seeing other people (I felt a combination of jealous and turned-on at the thought of it. More on that some other time!). But last week, after not answering my phone calls for two days, she gave me the "i hope we can be friends someday" rap when she told me she'd met someone who "swept her off her feet". If she were genuinely poly, we could have worked something out. Instead, she did a very traditional thing and kicked me to the curb. I sent her a couple of e-mails, but since she didn't reply to my last one, I'm calling it over (and I'm also calling on her). I just removed all her contact information from my phone directory.

 

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I feel like I have ice water running through my veins right now.

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I know this is my bias speaking to some extent, but I've always thought the polyamory gig to be a sham... people in denial about human nature who have convinced themselves that they're the ones who are facing their real nature because "it's natural to be with more then one person."

 

I think it feels natural to eat 5 different scoops/flavors of ice-cream and Ben & Jerry's as well, and it feels great when I'm doing it, but then there's the hangover. Very few people can ever do the polyamory bit longterm. Eventually, you meet someone who makes you not want to be sexual with others, and when you do, all your ideals kind of go out the window.

 

Again, my bias, I know, and I realize that not everyone will agree with this take. In any case, sorry that you're self-proclaimed poly wasn't so poly in the end.

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i don't know much about the poly-A lifestyle, but it makes sense to me that people still have their first, second, third, etc.... favorites. maybe she just wasn't 'that into you' as the cliche goes. it sucks, it hurts, sure. but that doesn't mean she's not polyA just because she isn't into you anymore.

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I would imagine even a polyamorist can fall out of love with a person and in love with someone else while still truly being poly. I don't begin to understand the concept, but they are human beings with feelings like others so this isn't an unthinkable thing that happened.

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but still, people are people. she might be a poly amorist (lord i can't spell!) but she may be in a phase right now where she just wants to be with this guy. that might change in the future, especially if he is into that too.

 

or maybe it's just an excuse to cut the OP off?

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Mirrorman, I am genuinely sorry that you are hurt right now. If you stick around this site, you'll find a lot of help and support to get through it and you'll start feeling great again soon.

 

One piece of advice that always works for me is to remember that being hurt does not mean being bitter, and that pain should never turn into mis-directed anger. You must remember that your ex is a fully-fledged human being, and therefore she is very complex, at times confusing, sometimes contradicting --and more importantly, entitled to be so.

 

The thing about polyamory, like monogamy, is that it is situational. For example, I once was involved in relationships with about four different people at the same time, and it was great and it worked. But I have met a couple of people who absolutely trump everyone else for me. When I was with those, the idea of being with anyone else at the same time (romantically or physically) was not even on my radar.

 

None of this means that your ex didn't love you as much as she could --and there is real comfort to be found in that. She was most likely not trying to deceive you. She is just in love with someone else now.

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Very helpful and well thought out response. You are very correct in what I was thinking - it's situational. Sometimes there are going to be people you meet that do it for you far more than anyone else - a polyamorist i can only imagine is not exempt from this ever happening. They are human and humans are complex creatures full of varying range of emotion and free choice. I also like that you added she has the right to do so as in change her mind or feelings, or what have you. Relationships are all about free choice so it is not a good thing when you hear opening posts like this one where the OP seems to think he was 'entitled' to be with this woman forever. While we all want that out of the person we love, it might not happen and that other person does have the right to opt out at any time.

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I know this is my bias speaking to some extent, but I've always thought the polyamory gig to be a sham... people in denial about human nature who have convinced themselves that they're the ones who are facing their real nature because "it's natural to be with more then one person."

 

I think it feels natural to eat 5 different scoops/flavors of ice-cream and Ben & Jerry's as well, and it feels great when I'm doing it, but then there's the hangover. Very few people can ever do the polyamory bit longterm. Eventually, you meet someone who makes you not want to be sexual with others, and when you do, all your ideals kind of go out the window.

 

Again, my bias, I know, and I realize that not everyone will agree with this take. In any case, sorry that you're self-proclaimed poly wasn't so poly in the end.

 

Generally.... I agree with this and view it the same way... so maybe that is my bias too.

 

And I have met some polyamorous folks who really do seem to have their act together and they are very respectful of their multiple partners... they communicate and it all seems to work for them.... yet still eventually I hear stories like this and and it brings me again to my personal belief: Polyamory can be a fun and functional place for some people to stay for awhile, but not to live permanently. It almost always seems inevitable that they want to try a one-on-one partnership at some point when they meet someone who, as your gal said to you, "sweeps them off their feet". When/if that happens, it can feel natural in your position to feel duped.

 

However I don't think you should. It sounds like she was up front with you. Whether you call it "casual" or "an open relationship" or "poly-amory", she made it clear that she didn't want to be exclusive with you. The risk of that is that she could meet someone else... she could be with someone else.

 

It sounds like what you were counting on is that even if she was with someone else, she wouldn't want to give you up. But no matter how many people we decide to be involved with - 1, 2 or 10 - we still may decide it is time to move on from a particular relationship if it doesn't feel right.

 

I'm very sorry she hurt you. It sounds like you are doing the right thing to move on.

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but are you a poly-a as well? Because if not this relationship might have been fun in the short term, but in the long term wouldn't you eventually want something more, or crave more of an intimate connection? Maybe this was for the best. A great woman will come your way who will want you and only you.

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but are you a poly-a as well? Because if not this relationship might have been fun in the short term, but in the long term wouldn't you eventually want something more, or crave more of an intimate connection? Maybe this was for the best. A great woman will come your way who will want you and only you.

 

I really don't get the feeling the OP is poly. I find him to be very contradictory. On one hand he forced the poly status for her, to get with her, and stated his feelings oscillated from turned on by it to having a problem with it. So in essence he wasn't entirely honest with her and stated he was poly to get with her. Now he is upset that he feels she wasn't being totally honest about being poly either.

 

If I were him I'd chalk this one up to a bad decision on both of their parts and call it a day, and stop sulking over it.

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Mirrorman, I am genuinely sorry that you are hurt right now. If you stick around this site, you'll find a lot of help and support to get through it and you'll start feeling great again soon.

 

One piece of advice that always works for me is to remember that being hurt does not mean being bitter, and that pain should never turn into mis-directed anger. You must remember that your ex is a fully-fledged human being, and therefore she is very complex, at times confusing, sometimes contradicting --and more importantly, entitled to be so.

 

She's also rather troubled, though we seemed to get along pretty well. There was never any drama between us - though she seemed kind of out of it sometimes (she was being treated for psychiatric issues like depression. I had no problem with that. I'm now wondering what else was going on which I didn't see and she didn't or couldn't articulate?)

 

It's mighty tough not to be bitter, though I understand what you're saying.

 

The thing about polyamory, like monogamy, is that it is situational. For example, I once was involved in relationships with about four different people at the same time, and it was great and it worked.

 

I envy you already! For far too many years of my life, I was so socially phobic that I had almost no friends, let alone partners (that I had any at all is a miracle to me). It's still difficult for me to open up to new people.

 

But I have met a couple of people who absolutely trump everyone else for me. When I was with those, the idea of being with anyone else at the same time (romantically or physically) was not even on my radar.

 

I've definitely been there!

 

None of this means that your ex didn't love you as much as she could --and there is real comfort to be found in that. She was most likely not trying to deceive you. She is just in love with someone else now.

 

It just doesn't seem real to me. She'd even bought a toothbrush to leave at my place for her to use, plus some of the food she likes. I guess that's all going to charity now.

 

And BTW, I like what your signature says. It pretty much sums our " civilization" and the real reasons for sexual "morality" up rather nicely, doesn't it?

 

(Tech question - I've tried sending PM's but that function doesn't seem to work. Is there a probationary period here before you can do that?)

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None of this means that your ex didn't love you as much as she could --and there is real comfort to be found in that. She was most likely not trying to deceive you. She is just in love with someone else now.

 

I just re-read what you said. And it makes a lot of sense, even as I'm busy asking myself why I didn't detect the deceptions which I've begun to suspect her of a whole lot earlier. I'm still not sure what to make of our old relationship. She did seem rather selfish in some ways, promising more than she delivered, if you know what I mean. We did have good times hanging out together. I learned things about myself which I wouldn't have otherwise.

 

Guess a fail, if that's the right word, is better than nothing, right?

 

G-Snap: This was my first time ever with someone who called herself polyamorous. I had mixed emotions, but that's hardly the same thing as say, having a partner cheat with your best friend and telling yourself she's the one. And as it turned out, she might not have been totally up-front with me.

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