Frozen in a bad marriage

[unhappyandstuc]

We were married for 10 years, I got divorced and was happy for the first time in a long time, after the dating scene left me drained, my ex and I got back together, he promised it would be different that he would change and I allowed my self to get sucked back into the "old comfortable shoe" relationship.

 

We remarried and it was great for about 6 months and went right back into the old same old routine of not getting along, arguing.....

 

I could kick myself for knowing, if it didnt work the first time, how did i think it would work the second time?

 

He is currently in a Ch 13 (single filing) and i have a good paying job and cannot leave him, the guilt i have is unreal. He was a good provider for many years and if i leave now, taking my income, he will lose everything he has worked for in his life. But if i dont leave then i lose any chance i have at happiness. Its sick, almost like i am putting his life ahead of mine and i know the best thing for me is to leave, but i am frozen with the guilt thing. I went as far as talked to a divorce attorney and was pre approved for a mortgage and STILL CANT MAKE THE MOVE!!! When did i become this person, allowing another to control my future.

 

He is controlling domineering and unhappy and i still cant leave him in a broken down state. I know what i need to do just cant do it help

[Blue Skittles]

Have you considered marriage counselling? I would at least give that a try before deciding to leave him again.

[unhappyandstuc]

Yep, he wont go......i tried many many times, and he just refuses.....Thanks for the reply tho

[lavenderdove]

What were you both doing right for those 6 months that made it work, that now has deteriorated?

 

I would sit down and rationally make a list of those things that would have to change for you to want to stay, and sit down and negotiate with him to get those things. If he absolutely refuses to do them or try, then you have really brought it out in the open and can say to him, look, we tried to negotiate this and it just didn't work, so now we need to figure out how to split up in a way that won't devastate either of us.

 

If you are in a much better place financially, there is nothing stopping you from in a separation agreement offering to give him X amount of dollars per month for a set period of time, a year or two or whatever you think will help get him past this hump. That would help him get back on his feet and get a job where he could support himself without you.

 

And if he needs your income for the house, you could help pay until he gets a roommate.

 

So look at it as a series of problems to be solved, and then work on solutions. Feeling guilty never fixed anything, but coming up with a plan to either get back to the 'good' relationship you once had, or else find a way to amicably break up does fix things.

 

In other words, don't feel guilty, spend your time instead coming up with a plan to either fix the marriage, or a plan on how to leave it without financially gutting him. Maybe that means not buying your own house for a few years while you give him some support payments to get him on his feet again.

[YasminTiara]

I want to leave a bad marriage,but no money,no vehicle. I have a job but not enough to spare what to do!!!?

[Dako]

You should live separately, but you could still arrange to help him if he'll accept it.

He may be so angry over separating he'll refuse, but that's his decision.

 

Do you feel any guilt for staying with him despite your needs?

[catfeeder]

Yep, he wont go......i tried many many times, and he just refuses.....Thanks for the reply tho

 

Then there's the answer to your guilt. You can offer him two options--he gets to decide. Either he's in this marriage and willing to work with professional help, or you're out of it. If he's in, he needs to demonstrate this by making an appointment with the marriage therapist of his choice, or you'll be out by the end of the month.

 

What's the point in wallowing in guilt when you can present reasonable options for problems-solving? This allows you to either work on your marriage or pursue a better life on your own. Staying in hell to indulge his lack of cooperation isn't 'helping' him, and it's certainly not helping yourself.

 

In your corner.

[AutumnBorn]

I think you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with him. You can begin with, "I'm not happy. We are falling back into the same routine and situation that tore us apart the first time. I love you, but I can't be in a relationship that brings us misery. We need to either work on this and get some counseling, or I have to go. I need an answer now. Which would you prefer?"

 

If you want to work on the marriage even before you get into counseling, I suggest Dr. Phil's book (don't groan, it's really pretty good) Relationship Rescue. You can work on your marriage without your husband's participation with the suggestions in this book.