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Losing attraction to girlfriend, because she doesn't take care of herself.


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Does she has a reason to dress up and wear makeup?

 

I go to work everyday and I dress up and wear makeup and my bf always says I look good. However, on the weekends I'm usually in my leggings and tshirt and my hair is tied up and I have minimal makeup on.

 

What about taking her out for a nice dinner and telling her she's beautiful dressed up?

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When you move in with someone- it is common that the both of you may get "comfortable" and not put too much effort into appearance.

 

My best advice would be to make plans and get out of the home environment. Going on a "date" together is a perfect reason to dress up. Get dressed up yourself so that if she does not dress up too, she will look out place.

 

When you do think she is doing something right or wearing something that looks nice on her- compliment her.

 

Did she dress up more before you moved in together?

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Some of you suggested going to dates with her. I've actually done this and sometimes I get to see her in nice clothing. Too bad she and I don't have the same definition of nice clothes and many times she wears clothes I don't like. She actually has many great looking pieces of clothing, many of which are also comfortable, but she views them as "OK" clothes and when we go out she puts on clothes that she think are nice and I think are not.

 

Then there's the other route of compliments. When I get to see her in nice clothes I definitely compliment her, I'm always thrilled and try to reward her with attention, neck massage and the like. I guess this has some positive effect on the long run.

 

When it comes to my own clothing, I usually go with collared shirts, t-shirts, jeans, khakis or cargo pants. Most important quality for me is that the clothes are right size and fit nicely. I confess that If I am home alone, I usually get pretty over relaxed and can skip shaving, but when I am with her I try to look presentable. I am not muscular, but I got into a pretty good physical condition while I was in the army and am above all healthy if not the calendar boy type. She hasn't complained, but if she asked me to put effort into something I would and wouldn't take it as a blow to my self-esteem, but rather an opportunity to improve. I also understand that doesn't mean justification to demand the same from her, but I still wish she could pick up a similar mind set.

 

We actually started swimming together weekly, because of the health benefits, but she usually doesn't really want to strain herself and is more for relaxing in a hot pool than swimming for fitness. Appearance wise I don't mind her getting some fat especially on the right places as long as she stays in healthy limits.

 

Dressing feminine doesn't mean super model or a complete Barbie. Like some posters said, you can be comfortable AND wear cute clothes (girly, fleecy lounge clothes for example). Actually, I would recommend the OP to buy his girl some stay home cute lounge clothes. Those are super comfy and cute.
That's good advice, I think I'll do just that! I'm not hung up on her dressing like a model, but rather would like her to choose better fitting t-shirts for example. Feminine in a casual and comfortable way would be the optimum.
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I was being dramatic about the crab part. But thanks I could help. I fel like your post could have easily of been mine. I think people are evolving all the time and we feel bad because you feel like if it didn't bother you before why is now. But give it may be a phase. Buying the boots was a good idea. But If I could tell you just one thing it would be that she may neve be that girly girl day to day so if you love her and its not a deal breaker just appreciate the girly days and make sure you show it. and look at the sweat pant/ugly shoe days as the cost of being in love. No one is perfect.

 

Also (as I ramble on) I know its gonna be hard cause there is a lot of eye candy out there and more and more girls are wearing ...well lets just say sexy clothes but remember what you got and never trade away surity for unsurity. (just make sure your sure, haha)

 

Karl

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Some of you suggested going to dates with her. I've actually done this and sometimes I get to see her in nice clothing. Too bad she and I don't have the same definition of nice clothes and many times she wears clothes I don't like. She actually has many great looking pieces of clothing, many of which are also comfortable, but she views them as "OK" clothes and when we go out she puts on clothes that she think are nice and I think are not.

 

Then there's the other route of compliments. When I get to see her in nice clothes I definitely compliment her, I'm always thrilled and try to reward her with attention, neck massage and the like. I guess this has some positive effect on the long run.

 

So it's more about dressing for you, than dressing nicely?

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Never thought of that last statement (that I expect to be true). Nor about not doing much effort during some periods of your life would have so much value for the one who's already interested. But yeah I understand all kind of reasons, I just think it won't have such an impact to me if I was at the boy's place.

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Some women are just more vain than others, and some women are more strongly identified with the idea of femininity being associated with more high maintenance activities like spending lots of time on hair, makeup, high fashion etc.

 

There are some women who genuinely believe it is a MUST to look a certain way, every day, including spending half an hour on hair, more on makeup, and spending a lot of time shopping for and wearing high fashion/feminine clothes every single day.

 

And other women see this as a waste of time, because decking yourself out in full fashion regalia, hair, makeup, shoes etc. every day is not only time consuming, but expensive and frequently uncomfortable, since many of the shoes people find sexy are supremely uncomfortable and hard to walk in.

 

So i think this is a mismatch in terms of what you focus on vs. what she thinks is important. You may need to find a woman who is into looks/fashion/vanity a lot more than your girlfriend is. She probably just has other priorities than spending that much time on looks, and doesn't see the point in being supremely uncomfortable in high heels etc. Some women would rather be caught dead than not wearing heels, but nowadays, most women strive for some balance and aren't willing to suffer every day to meet someone else's idea of fashion or looks.

 

I honestly think if this is really important to you, then you need to find a high maintenance woman. But keep in mind that a woman who is really into looks and fashion will also spend a lot of money/time on that, and you need to be prepared to support the vanity and expense.

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while i agree to an extent, i can also see where the OP is coming from.

 

a woman can wear jeans and a T-shirt. She can wear an oversized T-shirt and baggy jeans and look unkempt. or she can wear a cute T that is close to her body and more fitted jeans and be just as comfortable. it doesn't sound like the OP is asking her to look like a fashion model.

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I agree - that she didn't "let herself go". She has always dressed like this and you are trying to change her. If she dresses up for work or parties - then by gosh, take this girl out on the town once in awhile! You will have the best of both worlds - the girl that is frugal and wears her old shoes over and over and is "comfortable with you the way you are" and the hot momma. (to a lot of guys - a girl who can stretch the dollar is a prize later on compared to the gal who needs to buy all "the latest") You can't say you have a great relationship because you can be yourselves around eachother and then say you love her...but not this part. I bet you are not the "whole package" yourself but she accepts you the way you are. If you like her or her, she doesn't feel the need to overly spruce herself up "for you." There is no trading in girlfriends to get someone just like her, but just more fixed up because you won't find her. There is nothing wrong, btw, by giving her everyday clothes that are sexier as a birthday present if that's what you want, but that's different than nagging. To some reason a good, caring woman would be a prize even if she wear a potato sack.

 

Also, "casual in a feminine way" - what does that mean? It is harder to explain to a girl than "getting new shoes" or "not wearing black". I seee where you are coming from, but at the same time, you should love her for who she is

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I think I understand the OPs problem as well. I am not anywhere at the level of living together in a full sexual relationship but it pains me to see pretty much every other girl be just that little bit more vain, wearing nicer clothes, wanting to exercise, wanting to keep thin. Yet I have this situation where I can't even get the girl to look nice on a date! And yes I do look after my end of the street a lot thank you very much

 

It's tough because I don't want it go over such shallow things either but that doesn't make the girl any more willing or less annoying to be attracted others out and about.

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I think it's every bit as important to cultivate attraction between partners as it is to be able to let loose and relax around them. There needs to be a balance, IMO. My fiancee relaxes with the best of them, but even when she's chilling out she's dressed tidily in nice clothes. "Nice" does not need to = formal, fussy, or uncomfortable.

 

With that said, the thread title IS a little misleading. It doesn't sound like the OP's girlfriend fails to take care of herself - the issue seems to be that she doesn't place the same value that he does in looking tidy/attractive around the home.

 

There's been some talk about how it's "good" that she's "low maintenance", and that if the OP's got a problem with her then perhaps he needs a "high maintenance" woman instead - an opinion which seems to be delivered with a measure of scorn. I would argue that there's plenty of middle ground between "over-dressed fusspot" and "unkempt slob". There is such a thing as TOO "low maintenance". I mean, if I never bothered to wash, brush my teeth, or get out of my dressing gown, I guess that would be pretty low maintenance too, right? A degree of effort is a good thing, not a vain thing. It shows self-respect and it cultivates the respect and attraction of one's partner. I don't think it's a selfish thing to desire. The trick is to lead by example, and to encourage, rather than to control, demand, or sulk.

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But if she was like this when you got with her, maybe it isn't about the clothes and her being "feminine" enough?

 

Maybe it's about living together and the adjustment pains, the daily toll of seeing someone when they are at their sloppiest and 'real-est' and having that mystique seem to vanish from them?

 

You know, I am a woman who fits the description of your gf quite well. And the being attracted phase never seems to be a problem UNTIL the guy feels there is no more surprises. Women too like to feel like there is some element of being surprised and enchanted, charmed by their partners good looks - - even and especially when you are with them for a while and living together.

 

But not even two years doesn't seem that long to be feeling that way, unless you have both gotten lazy and/or one or both of you have maybe some unrealistic expectations from a long term partner. Have you been in a long term relationship before? Have you lived with a woman before? How old are you two?

 

That's why it's appealing when the guy who is usually in work clothes who you work with suddenly appears in full on suit and tie - it's different, it lets you see your partner in a new way, it's a surprise, it's fun and exciting.

 

You could talk with her or enlist a friend of hers to help her with fashion, take her shopping, whatever...you can give her cute clothes, Vic's secret pretty stuff, and all the rest and spoil her and hope she likes it and wears it. But end of the day, she has to be motivated by her own self to want to do those things and if she doesn't want to or it isn't part of her, she won't.

 

But if she dressed up for your first dates, there is a part of her that would do it again. She might be plain old comfortable and bored as you....ever think...and that for her it isn't the look of you that matters - though for you the expression of caring may be that she dresses up 'for you' (gets prettied up) to her she may not even see it that way at all. That she is getting defensive means she already feels insecure about your feelings about it and is likely to clam up against you talking to her about it bc she feels like she is being not understood.

 

Well maybe it's just me but the best way to get me to try doing something like that is to inspire me to do it and think it's my own idea...wanting to surprise and seduce my guy, wanting to reward him and having fun with it.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you and maybe none of this fits but since you honestly can not control what she does all you can do is on your end and what part might you have on her being defensive about it? Not even wanting to hear about it? There is something about how you are presenting to her that rubs at her, or maybe it's something deeper about this situation and expectations?

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Woman complain about men all the time that they are not romancing them enough after the newness of the relationship has worn off and things are more routine. I understand the OP's issue to be of a similar nature. Nothing wrong with wanting your partner to romance you from time to time be it through a date, bringing home flowers, dressing in a pleasing way or whatever rocks your boat. In a long term relationship I believe it's the 'duty' of both partners to keep things interesting and the spark alive. It's not as if OP is asking/ hoping for his gf to become a completely different person, but since she has demonstrated through the dating phase that she does like to dress up from time to time, it implicates that it is not totally out of character for her. If the gf actually dislikes dressing up and only did it to land a guy, then she misrepresented herself and didn't do herself any favors in the long run.

 

OP, just buy your gf (as many people have already suggested) something nice, but comfy for chilling out at home.

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I just don't understand your post because to me it seems like you contradict yourself several times.

 

You say this womans attitude toward fashion and being more concerned with other aspects of life is a "breath of fresh air" yet you antagonize her in the same post and say she is not femine enough.

 

It sounds like maybe you are bored with your relationship and chomping at the bit to try something new to me. If that is the case I will tell you what a wise preacher once told me "Why covet your neighbors beautiful lawn when you can fertilize your own?"

 

If you think for a minute that my boyfriends looks are exactly to my standards-think again. I don't expect him to change for me because he was the way he was when he came into my life and he should not CHANGE for anyone. If he was being made to change I would give him the warning that he should leave the relationship.

 

I think if you are going to cultivate your relationship maybe some little changes would help. The spa day mentioned was very nice but I hope your wallet is able to help with that.

 

Is your gf's lack of feminism more of a money issue? In this current economy being beautiful quickly adds up.

 

For instance since you are a man and men don't really have to deal with this - I am going to give you a price range of a minimal makeover for a woman in my area - which is Arkansas - so I am working under the assumption that prices would be raised in places like LA or NY,etc.

 

Hair cut and highlights $110

Eyebrow waxing $10

minimal makeup: base$10,powder $7,eyeshadow$4,mascera $6,eyeliner $3

hair serum to straighten my hair $7

hair serum to curl my hair $7

decent perfume $10

new shoes $20

new outfit $70 (jeans and shirt) (blouse and skirt) (whatever)

nailpolish $3 for the cheapest bottle I can find....and the list goes on. This is the absolute cheapest decent brands and prices that I can find in my area and that is skimping greatly. I am talking dollar store and walmart prices on most of these things. Just the things I mention add up to $267 dollars...that doesn't include the razors,deodarant,smoothing body wash,lotion, Nair, jewelry or etc. Since you said she is clean that means she is already putting an amount of money towards her apperance everyday.

 

Some people have had to make cuts in this economy over everything. Maybe it should not be that way but I think spending that much on my apperance is ridiculous. Not that it doesn't feel great to look feminine. I love going to get manicures and pedicures but who can afford that right now when it is generally around $50-70 for finger and toenails. I just can't take that money out of budget knowing that I could have payed money to a bill I owed or placed it in my savings for when I need it without hesitating.

 

I of course don't know if this is your gf's situation but it just something to think about. High fashion comes with high prices.

 

Also is her mother very feminine? My mother is not very feminine at all and never taught me things that I believe other girls moms taught them. I had no clue what to even expect when the real world hit me.

 

Another issue : is she religious? My religion does not per se dictate that we wear no makeup,no jewelry,no nail polish,etc ... but we are taught that the bible teaches us we should not be adorned with those things that make people look at us and our outsides but rather win them with a gentle spirit. (basically saying that we are not supposed to be obssesed with our look or ourselves but be gentle and give all that attention to others)

 

I try to dress modestly and to be honest with you, it is getting harder and harder to find clothes that fit into the modest category. This has left me in the air about where to turn next over my clothes. It is either grandmother looking clothes or clothes that are to young for me or clothes that show to much,etc. I also have an odd bodyshape which makes finding clothes very difficult for me.

 

You say she is tomboyish - is she athletic?

 

Oh,another thing you mentioned that she dressed up when you were not around...I don't dress up sometimes for my boyfriend bc I am comfortable with him. When I go out with "the girls" there is a higher expectation of being dressed up and I know that they will be more judgemental.

 

I also dress up and go to nightclubs that my friends work at and own - I have asked my bf to go with me to these things and he always refuses. It makes me feel that he is embarrased of me (he actually said that to me at one point) and makes me less inclined to look decent at all in front of him (he shot himself in the foot on that one) because if someone tells me they are embarrased of me - I will give them a reason to be,but that is just me. I think it is hilarious when he says wow you look beautiful in that picture - why don't you dress up like that for me?...I am thinking the whole time about how "embarrased" he was of me. To be honest with you most of my friends told me to drop him right then and there because it was a big blow to my already low self esteem.

 

I hope that if you do wind up saying something that you do it in a gentle way and not like my boyfriend did to me. That would be a fatal blow and was a fatal blow in our relationship. I still don't fully feel ok being with him after he said that to me.

 

Those are just a few thoughts for you - does your gf fall into any of those categories do you think?

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I think these things have to be communicated and negotiated. If I want more romance in the relationship, the guy may not 'get what I'm hoping for' if I buy us tickets to a theater. What if she doesn't want to? What if she doesn't want to do it all the time? I don't know how open their relationship can be if he can't bring this up to her.

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I think he wants a high maintenance woman based on his descripton of what he thinks is appropriate for her. He specifically mentions thigh high boots he helped pay for. to be honest, most women over the age of 25 aren't going to wear thigh high boots PERIOD, let alone on a regular basis because thigh high boots are not appropriate wear for most office jobs, and are more a porn or fashion fantasy than they are 'normal' wear for a woman.

 

Many women would in fact feel silly wearing thigh high boots, like they're stuck in a hooker porn fantasy. There are some women who will wear anything and everything that fashion throws out, including thigh high boots, but a lot of women would not be comfortable wearing that, anymore than a guy would feel comfortable dressing in full motorcycle leathers just because his girlfriend likes the look.

 

A person's style is a reflection of who they are, and if she is cleanly dressed and her clothes aren't in bad repair, she is choosing to dress the way she wants, and may well feel cartoonish or unlike herself if she needs to be in heels and dressy or 'sexy' clothes to please him all the time. If it's not her, it's not her.

 

I also have trouble with someone who doesn't like their partner's 'look' and is unhappy enough to dwell on it, because what happens when their body changes due to pregnancy, or age, or illness or whatever. If you are unhappy she isn't wearing thigh high boots all the time, think how silly that would look on her at 40+.

 

Men frequently put a lot of visual sex fantasies they have onto women, where the woman is expected to always look like a fashion plate or in sexy garb or shoes, when frankly, most women aren't willing to do that because they have other things to do and other things to spend money on they consider more important. I think a woman might wear thigh high boots to please her man once and a while, but if you will be expecting her to wear them to chase toddlers around the house, it ain't gonna happen!

 

There are some women who go for the high maintenance look, and will never be seen in any shoes with less than a 3 inch heel, and they will be 90 year old grannies tottering around on 3 inch heels and breaking their hips falling off them. But your girl obviously isn't that kind of woman, and i wouldn't criticize her because she doesn't want to wear the thigh highs and get all decked out every day. If that is really really important to you, then you need to find someone who has the same attitude towards dressing that you do. Some people put a premium on that, and other's don't. It's a reflection of what she finds important vs. what you find important, and if you're not willing to accept that she doesn't think it's that important, then you need a new girlfriend.

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The insight into how he is, how she is, and was has been very helpful but (imo) starting to derail from the possible courses of action. They've been named but light on what they might actually entail. And I agree that when the OP is being told to make a decision it's somewhat with scorn or implies shallowness - I personally would be pretty upset if someone said to me I need a high-maintenance woman. Seems to be an ignorance about what "finding another girlfriend" actually means, as if he has nothing worth keeping now.

 

From what I gather from the posts these are some of the paths mentioned:

1. provide hints via shopping for clothes or activities like exercise - sounds like from his original post he's tried this already

2. a more direct sit-down talk - although this doesn't seem like a conclusion as much as just information gathering, as it seems she's not willing and neither is he

3. putting up with it since relationships also involve compromise - but the fact this thread exists tells me this won't work though

4. leaving

 

If she starts dressing up for the sake of the relationship then it'll probably be unwilling which is hardly a healthy relationship. If he puts up with I doubt he'd be too happy with it or that she'd be particularly flattered with that either . If it ends then they obviously still both lose a heck of a lot.

 

hmm just thinking aloud really

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i wouldn't criticize her because she doesn't want to wear the thigh highs and get all decked out every day. If that is really really important to you, then you need to find someone who has the same attitude towards dressing that you do.

 

No matter how many times I say it, people still seem to misinterpret my message. Can someone point to where I say I expect her to wear thigh high boots every day or that I want her to be a super model every day? She actually has pretty many things that would be even overly fine to wear every day. I don't expect her to, especially if they are uncomfortable. Then she has the complete opposite, loose and worn clothing that she wears most of the time. I only wished for some better fitting hanging out clothes and don't think she really needs any more outrageous outfits that are too special and uncomfortable to ever actually wear.

 

I also have trouble with someone who doesn't like their partner's 'look' and is unhappy enough to dwell on it, because what happens when their body changes due to pregnancy, or age, or illness or whatever. If you are unhappy she isn't wearing thigh high boots all the time, think how silly that would look on her at 40+.

 

I have no problem accepting these kinds of changes. She's already started to put on weight, but I do not demand a skinny "super model" as long as it stays within healthy limits. I think age could also be relevant here, because being 21 it seems the norm in the University that most girls are dressing even a bit provocatively. Could be that it's just the competition environment where there are actually more single women than single men. It could be that seeing these over dressed single women every day is skewing my comparison a bit especially when my friends constantly tell wild stories of their single life. I never had a phase where I would have sex with 3-4 beautiful university girls in a week and compared to that maybe my life is a bit stable and ordinary.

 

 

 

I talked last night with my girlfriend and both of us apologized our earlier reactions. I for one will not mention these things again especially not in a way that could offend her. All discussion on this topic will be started by her, when she's ready and she will wear what she wears, but promised to put a little more effort in to it. I think I'll just go with Kash27's suggestion to take those days she dresses nicely as a treat and consider the days she doesn't a small price for an otherwise attractive, loving woman. A relationship with a high maintenance woman would probably be burdensome.

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^^

Exactly!! You're on the right track there.

 

I know several women who spend a whole lot of time/effort on their looks every day, but they ARE indeed high maintenance. They put a lot of emphasis on the more traditional femininity roles, where they are expected as females to spend a whole lot of time grooming their looks and into their clothing, but also expect their men to play the more traditional males roles of treating them like princesses and providing the money to buy lots of clothes, jewelry etc. So the men can get trapped into the 'provider' role with these princess types. It's all a matter of what you value/think is important, and frankly most of the men i know married to these princesses get royally sick of it after a while, and don't care how nice they look if they are a pain in the rear maxing out the credit cards and obsessing about their looks, while expecting the men to work big jobs/long hours to dole out huge amounts of money to keep them in high style. Many women who spend a lot of time on their looks, also expect a really nice house and furnishings as well, and will let their spouse work to death to provide it.

 

So you're on the right track if you're negotiating with her, but recognizing it's a good thing she isn't high maintenance.

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I agree completely. OP's comments are mostly geared towards the way she dresses, not because she doesn't bathe, or has B.O., etc. You are trying to mold her into something she is not comfortable with, and if you are not attracted to her because she chooses to wear comfy clothes instead of her thigh high boots every day (please, those are for porn stars), then it doesn't bode well. You even said she has a nice body, so it's not like she doesn't take care of her body, right?

 

Another poster mentioned the money issue, too. Clothes are VERY expensive. I haven't bought new clothes forever because I can't afford them. Would a guy rule me out because of that? Sure, some men. But then it wasn't meant to be.

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i think people are being too hard on the OP. i don't see that he wants her to dress as a porn star, just make a little more effort, like she did in the beginning of the relationship. and he indicates she already has cute clothes, just chooses not to wear them.

 

Besides, right or wrong, he is losing ATTRACTION for her. which is very important in a relationship. if he's no longer attracted for her, the relationship is going to end. It sounds to me like he is really trying to save the relationship.

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OP, you may be losing attraction to her, but by asking her to do things that she feels are "not a part of her" then I guarantee you, she is losing attraction to you also.

 

As a committed tomboy, if someone started bringing me victorias secret or cute lounging outfits or trying to femme me up, I'd be intensely put off. Clothing is all about personal expression.

 

You've said before that she will dress nicely, just nicely as she defines it not as you want her too.

 

You don't have any right to get your SO to dress to suit you. This is something you check before you get too involved.

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