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Uncomfortable with my husband after sexual assault


Monza

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We have been married 6 years, we have one child together and I have one from a previous relationship. My husband and I have been having some major relationship issues our entire marriage and now that I've threatened to leave he is making huge changes. I don't know how to feel. For years he would stay out with our neighbors or friends and get completely wasted. He even got so drunk one night that he failed to wake up and take care of the children while I was working. My oldest child called me and I had drive 30 minutes home to take them to my mom's for the day, very embarassing!! He spent many of those party nights up until 3 or 4 in the morning and I would always just go to bed and ignore him. He also was up to smoking a pack a day. I don't smoke and I rarely drink.

 

Because of this drinking habit and having a need to own "stuff" especially vehicles we ended up in major debt and had to sell or house and file bankruptcy, but before we moved the worst of it all happened.

 

We were getting along and playing yard games with our neighbors when I decided to go to bed. I was taking a shower when I heard someone pick the lock on the bathroom door and it opened. I called my husbands name with no response so I quick grabbed a towel and my next door neighbor was standing in the doorway. I was in udder shock I couldn't even speak. Within a few seconds my husband popped around the corner and he yells at me to get dressed not realizing what happened. I guess he assumed I opened the door myself half covered in a towel. Well, I tried very much and nicely to go to bed, but unfortunately they'd been drinking and wanted to talk. So they both sat on the bed with me and we started talking about normal stuff. The conversation turned to my chest. My ex neighbor had always had a crush on me and between the two of them egging me on I finally gave up my battle and let him touch my chest. I just wanted them to leave. I kept giving my husband looks and saying I want to go to bed and they should leave, but they didn't. My husband even left the room for a moment to pee and my ex neighbor grabbed me and basically groped and kissed as much as he could from the waist up. Finally I started yelling at them to get out and leave me be, previously I was trying to be quiet to not wake up my children, but at this point I didn't care. They left and I started bawling. My husband came in to see if I was 'ok' after the neighbor left. I lost it and cried for days.

 

This happened almost a year ago and I have just come out of denial about it and have realized how much damage this has caused me. Also, my first marriage with my first child was emotionally abusive, so I guess I have learned to accept more in my tolerance.

 

Honestly, after that we moved, he barely drinks and has cut his smoking in half. He has been more a aware of my needs and we have talked about this and neither one of us knows how to deal with it. We have been trying to work on our marriage, but my biggest problem is I am not with it emotionally and I absolutely hate being touched in any sexual manner, he doesn't know it. I have actually felt like throwing up when he has touched me. When this finally straw of emotional pain happened last year I wanted to leave and get a divorce, but felt I couldn't because I have no where to go with two kids, I have no job because I'm going to school right now, I have no money because he's spent it all. I'm also worried about the effects on my children. Believe it or not I do love him and have tried to work things out, but at this point I don't want to be touched at all. I'm prefectly fine having a conversation with him, hanging out with him, doing things together with the children, but I don't want to have a physical relationship anymore.

 

Another issue I have is the fact that our whole marriage was based on us living separate lives, he worked and partied, I did all the children and household stuff. We had never done anything together, we usually take separate vacations until now. So I feel like this is a whole new person I'm with and what if I don't like him? He really is trying to make changes, but with so many past problems, will it last? I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen. There are a few other issues that happened, but I left them out since this is so long.

 

No, I haven't gone to counseling, I can't afford it since my insurance doesn't cover it and I haven't come to terms with saying this face to face with someone. My best friend nows, but I told her over the phone.

 

I have nightmares, depression, anixety. I'm afraid to be alone, I hate the dark. I finally able to relax in the shower, but only if someone else is home and I don't hear any odd noises.

 

I just want my life back and don't know how to get it.

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No, I haven't gone to counseling, I can't afford it since my insurance doesn't cover it and I haven't come to terms with saying this face to face with someone. My best friend nows, but I told her over the phone.

 

I have nightmares, depression, anixety. I'm afraid to be alone, I hate the dark. I finally able to relax in the shower, but only if someone else is home and I don't hear any odd noises.

 

I just want my life back and don't know how to get it.

 

I do recommend counseling. There are several ways you can get it free or on a sliding scale. When my abusive ex husband walked out - I had less than what you have - I had a dog, $5 in my pocket, a few personal momentos and the shirt on my back. My parents took me in luckily, but I refused to be on welfare or get other assistance.

 

I can relate to you very much - I have not been in the exact situation you have been in. My ex sister in law put her hand on my mouth and pulled me backwards and she also shoved me. My ex husband was present and he didn't step in. He let it happen. I wanted him so much to just say "you don't do that to my wife" and take me away from there, but later he said I "brought it on." I am a big girl and can handle myself but it was my ex's "allowance" of it made a bigger impact than the touching that happened. It was nothing sexual like in your case - but it was a similar lack of intervention and even compliance by a husband by "allowing". Some say i should have slugged her but I was too frozen in disbelief and also the family knew every legal loophole in the book and term so if I struck them, I would be arrested or they would Baker Act me and say I was nuts. There were also days after he left that I would jump up too thinking someone was coming.

 

I was put on anxiety meds very temporarily to help me to wind down so that I could start reaching out for help. It didn't change things 100% but took the edge off that was paralyzing me from reaching out for help. I only was on it for 4 months.

 

Talk to your local women's shelter for a referral for counseling for someone who has been through assault or abuse. The organization that runs the women's shelter here gives free counseling for survivors of abuse or assault. You can find them in your phone book. It is totally confidential and they don't start any case file. I started off with free counseling, but in my community there was a counselor who was normally $100-140 a session that did a sliding scale rate that was much lower if you aren't making money. So look into all of those things. If you are going to school, also check resources there that you may be entitled to as a student.

 

Also, there are free support groups. Al-Anon might give you resources and support. Your husband has cut his drinking but the bad times happened when he was drinking. Just because he is not currently drinking doesn't mean he's not an alcohoholic, he just has a handle on himself now in comparison. He may have really and truly got himself together or just merely the bad influences are not there. Also, if you are a person of faith or you aren't but are okay with a nonjudgemental Christian environment, there is a non denominational Christian 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery which helps provide support for folks dealing with a number of situations. There are groups within the group for recovering alcoholics, codependency, approval addiction, families of alcoholics, adult children of alcohohics, adult children of dysfunctional families (not the 'trendy catch word' but severely nonfunctioning families),sexual integrity and assault. People don't have to be Christian - but it is run at mostly Christian churches for the community. I have found that it helped me get my life back on track in a big way because it wasn't just "talking" but I really dug deep about what was going on and ended up resolving what the deep seated things were.

 

Please look at the improvements your husband has made, too. Maybe this was all a wake up call that he needed to shock him into cleaning up his act. I hope that you don't keep in touch with that neighbor (s). I am not saying you have to forget what happened, but recognize that he may need some extra help from outside too.

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wow... rough life. Yeah i really cant see how your husband could've done that... sigh.... hmm... Since he's improving anyways, tell him that you'd like to work on the non-sexual stuff in your relationship more, and that you want to do things with him, such as going on dates.

 

I think you two need to connect and understand each other. Sex... you can have sometimes... but I think primary focus should go on the rest of the relationship. I think after you understand him, and notice that he's a good guy. And maybe you even share some views on life now, you may start to appreciate it? I dunno... you have nothing to lose. It definitely is worth a shot. Just see how he is, and whether its worth it to stay with him.

 

I can understand you hating to be touched by him after what he did, sigh.. i cant imagine anyone doing that to their wives with their neighbor >_<... it take a long time to get over it. try keeping an open mind about that he may be decent guy after all if making changes. clearly is trying put in the effort.>

 

I wish you luck.

 

Btw.. dont overwork yourself... If you constantly feel like crap being in the relationship, and consider your life not worth it, then leave. But you need to put in the effort too cuz of the kids etc.

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