Just broke up...

[spartan211]

Just broke up with my girlfriend today. I'm feeling a bit relieved, but mostly sad. For some background, I had been feeling for weeks that something just wasn't right with us; I had been feeling like she was kind of 1 foot in, 1 foot out of the relationship. We have been dating for about 4 years now. There have been times in our relationship when I had those same feelings about us, and when I brought it up to her, she would tell me she's just distracted because she's not feeling the best about herself, and that she really cared about me and wanted to be with me. But today, after we left work I asked her on the subway if she thought this was working out for her/us. She responded, 'you mean long term?' to which I replied, 'either long or short term'. She then shook her head 'no, not really', and said she hasn't been feeling that close too me, and it just feels off. Now, the thing is, I confronted her with some of these same concerns about 10 days ago, and she said, we would be fine, and it was just because we haven't seen much of each other and she really cares about me. It just really hurts because I knew she felt that we wouldn't work out for the longest time... I feel strung along. I loved her so much, whole heartedly, and unconditionally. It did feel uneven at times though... metaphorically speaking it's kinda like if we were both rowing a boat, but I did most of the rowing while she feigned interest in being in the boat with me. I just feel really hurt, and unappreciated.

So, I told her that we should just call this off, this whole thing between her and I. She tried to counter by saying she really did care about me, and did love me... and I told her, that I really wasn't convinced of that... I believe she cared for me, but only as a friend. I told her, and she knows, that all I want is for her to be happy, and I didn't want her to feel imprisoned by any constraints of a relationship with me if she didn't want it, and at the same time, I deserve someone who is involved, and truly does care for me. I genuinely want her to be happy, which is why I did it in the first place. I am sure she may be upset because I am the classic good guy and a security blanket, but those things don't make someone happy or fall in love. I told her we are in just 2 different parts of our lives right now, I'm 30 and she's 22... both soon to graduate from med school, but socially in different stages; she's still forming her identity, and I'm ready for a more intimate relationship.

I know it might seem in poor taste to break things off on the subway, but I guess it was just in the moment... in the flow of the series of questions I was asking.

So, we came to my stop, I kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye. I don't remember much after that... I remember my slow walk home, followed by me going for a long run through the city to clear my head.

I don't know what to think right now. I think I just had to write on this forum to get my thoughts out there. And the messed up thing is, we are in the same hospital rotation together right now!! So, I still have to see her for the next 2 weeks at work! An advice or comments would be great right now. Oh, and I can't go out and drink because I am on a course of antibiotics.... FML.

[spartan211]

btw, sorry for the rambling....

[Silverrenesis]

Hey sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to you so much, Especialy to the way me and my-ex were together but both knew it woudnt work out in the end. I got so confortable, and although I knew it wasn't love, I stayed there for her through it all. But in the end it didnt work out and I felt stringed along just like you.. but you seemed to be on the right track though, you were polite about the whole situation and you seem very firm about moving on in life and finding your real soulmate.. Stay strong and think positive.. She seems like she has alot of growing to do in terms of life in general.. Good luck..

[spartan211]

Thank you very much Silverrenesis. You don't know how much your kind words meant to me. It was pretty rough getting through the day today, but I just immersed my self in work, and did a pretty good job of putting her out of my mind until I saw her in lecture. She seems as though nothing has fazed her and seems really happy, which I am glad for, but I still ache. I was going to try to catch her today so I can give her her apartment keys back, but I wasn't able to. I will try to just meet with her really quick and do the whole returning of her stuff thing so I can just try to move forward. I know I will heal and get better in time, and hopefully meet someone who is mature and can appreciate me. Just gotta keep going... have a great weekend!!