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Emotionally torn APART :(


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Okay, so the first thing I want to say is Hi, to everyone, I’m new to this board, actually this is my first post here, so I just wanted to ask you something. Well, it’s not actually a question I want, it’s some piece of advice, something that could make me fell better. I don’t want you to get bored while reading my post, so I’ll try to make as short as possible (although that’s going to be pretty difficult).

 

 

Ok, so here goes. I’m 19 and ½ years old, I live in Bucharest, Romania (most Americans will naturally, probably, not know where that is – Somewhere in Eastern Europe). My mother died when I was 11, I lived with my Dad ever since until 1 year ago when I had to move out from his apartment and live as a tenant somewhere else because he is going to marry some woman and she doesn’t like me at all. He told me it was time to spread my wings, fly away and begin my adult life… Yeah, whatever. Anyway, thing is, my dad’s a teacher. He teaches Psychology at the University in Bucharest (you’ll understand immediately why I mentioned this.)

 

 

When I started to go to highschool, I met this girl in my classroom… We both played professional basketball and we began talking, I learnt that her mother had been my father’s student.(She went to college when she was 40 or something like that) and we became really close. Of course I was 14, scared of girls, shy, virgin and everything else an average 14-year old boy is. I didn’t know hopw to approach her to talk or do something about a possible relationship, and she saw me as her brother. She cared for me, but she only saw me as a brother.

 

 

That happened in the 9th grade. In the next 2 years , 10th and and 11th grades, and half of the 12th grade I was with another girl in my class, And Ioana, because that’s her name(the first girl), suffered a lot because she realized she was jealous about it and that she cared about me more than she would care about a friend. In second half of the 12th grade, we were together, and we have been ever since. That’s almost two years. Most of you will probably say that means nothing, it’s not a big thing, but we basically grew up through our adolescence together, she was my first, I was her first, we never did other persons, we’re very very very close.

 

 

All was well, until last summer, when her mother found out tha her 19-year old daughter (!!!) has started her sex life. All hell broke loose, Both of her parents (which were nice to me before and kinda liked me) hate me ever since and have been trying to make us break up. How ? Simple, they made her not see me as often as her and I wished. And we had a lot of argues about it. But being two cerebral creatures we always realized that we weren’t happy because of the whole situation created by her parents, and not because any of us had done something wrong, so we always sensed tht it was a way of easing the tension. We never were upset or angry on eachother.

 

 

Next thing was that Ioana left her parent’s house a month ago and moved in with me. All, and by all, I really mean ALL of her other relatives, and mine, as well as friends and close persons have told hger this is the right move, and it actually came as a last resort proposal from her parents, both of them, in order for her to see that I am the wrong guy for her, and that we don’t fit together. And her parents told her that if she’s ok with me, she can remain at my place. After a month her dad tells her that if she doesn’t come back home, he’ll fire her(she works at her dad’s company, because she goes to college and needs a Really Flexible schedule.), forget she exists, and he’ll die from a stroke or heart attack caused by the pain and suffering provoked by her leaving home. Even though he proposed this, along with his wife, in the first place!!!

 

 

So, she tells me, let’s go and talk to dad, convince him he’s wrong and let’s try to get along. She swore she won’t move back with them, she promised and when we got there, after 3 hours of shouting and arguing her dad told her he will proceed doing the above mentioned, and told her that she will have his death on her consciousness. Crying almost hysterically, she agreed to return home, on the condition that none of her folks will ever tell her a thing about her seeing me, or coming to sleep over for the weekend, etc. Her dad agreed and promised to oblige. So did her mother. They also explained they want the best for us, and that we need their blessing to move in together, that we don’t have enough money at the moment and that we’re going to need their support when we decide to do so, with their acceptance, of course. Thing is, we didn’t need all these. Of course, it’s not like we couldn’t use some more money, but we love each other very much, I am working 12 hours shifts to be able to pay the rent and all of the bills, etc.

 

 

Although her parents are rich, the material things don’t count for her, and although she came to live with me in my rented apartment right in the center of the town, her dad wants her in their two-story house in the suburbs, cause he thinks, and I quote : “I decide what’s best for her”.

She cried all night last night, and really didn’t know how to apologize to me, I forgave her, because I love her and from a rational point of view, I understand her. But emotionally, I’m torn up. Although it’s only been a month, it’ll be hard to get used to not live with her anymore, and to just see each other every now and then…

 

 

We also have a plan, to wait until the summer, and when we think the time is right, to talk to her father , and ask him if we can move together, and help us with money, and all that. All of my friends, and I have even 40-year old friends, from work, have told me to just let go, but I can’t, I neither can she, so please, if you want to write that, don’t because it would just be a waste of time. Again, from a rational point of view, I can understand that’s probably best, but I just can’t.

 

I really need someone to tell how can I calm myself now, what can I do to make myself feel better… Please, anyone ?

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I don't think you should let go at all. But there may be some cultural things I don't fully understand. What is the attitude of sex and living together before marriage? How important is the father figure in a Romanian family?

 

Reason I ask is that my OH is from a different culture and so I am acutely aware that advice from westerners might not be helpful to you unless we understand these factors properly.

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The two of you are still together correct? Still planning a future, correct?

 

I feel for anyone who has manipulative, controlling parents, but if they believe she shouldn't live with you until the two of you are married and she feels the need to comply then it's something you'll just have to deal with if you want to be with her.

 

I understand it will take some time to get use to the new living arrangements, but really you need to keep this into perspective. This is not the worse thing that could happen. The parents are still allowing her to see you and stay with you on weekends. Don't let this be something that causes friction between the two of you or continue to push her parents, causing you to look even worse in their eyes.

 

I'm not one whose parents have that kind of control over me but since she is, there are some things you will have to accept, one of them being that they are likely to continue on in this "I make decisions for her" attitude even after the two of you are married (assuming that's the plan).

 

Really...in the grand scheme of things, this could be much, much worse. I think if you put it into perspective it won't seem so horrible. Don't push the issue or you'll make things worse.

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@elchup - regarding Romanian culture, yes, the father is a strong figure in the family, he is basically the head of the family, but that didn't count here as much, because it wouldn't of made a difference, I mean her dad did this because he is overpossesive, I guess. Regarding the sex & living together, living together isn't that much of a sin as sex is... Unfortunately, many people here tend to be old-fashioned, although they did the same things when they were our age... I don't want to generalise, but I think most people here over the age of 45-50 think like that.

 

@FrenchFries - Yes, we are together, and I understand what you were saying, but really, understand us, too We're both crying thinking that she'll move back with them Sunday, as if we're supposed to be breaking up... Also, About the control after she's married, you're probably wrong, because she said that when she'll feel financially stable enough to confront them she will, no matter the consequences, so... I don't know, after we get married, I'll have another status in front of their parents, and even if they don't admit it, I can still claim that status, so... Things will be a bit different

 

Thank you guys a lot for taking the time to answer me and talking to me. I really, really appreciate that.

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@elchup - regarding Romanian culture, yes, the father is a strong figure in the family, he is basically the head of the family, but that didn't count here as much, because it wouldn't of made a difference, I mean her dad did this because he is overpossesive, I guess. Regarding the sex & living together, living together isn't that much of a sin as sex is... Unfortunately, many people here tend to be old-fashioned, although they did the same things when they were our age... I don't want to generalise, but I think most people here over the age of 45-50 think like that.
Is this issue perhaps that her father feels like he doesn't have control? Like he is not respected and perhaps fears that he appears weak infront of his peers and others?
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I agree. I was living with my "ex" fiance. We broke up last October. It devastated me. However, now we are dating again to see if we can make things work. One step at a time though, and that means we are currently living apart. But we are both serious about trying to make things work. Believe me, living apart is just an inconvenience. If she really loves you, and I have no doubt that you love her, then you will both get through this time together.

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Is this issue perhaps that her father feels like he doesn't have control? Like he is not respected and perhaps fears that he appears weak infront of his peers and others?

 

His dad has a respect-related issue. Whatever his daughter does, or I do, no matter how obedient and puppy-like she is, he feels she disrespects him totally... But he's just full of himself as all Romanian men over 40, owning a company are

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