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is there any hope for me?


turnip

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Im worried about the security of my future and feel trapped. I feel like trash that has never meant anything and will very soon blow away on the wind.

 

Going into my past will make this a huge post,but some details.

When I was 13 my mom took me out of school and she married this old guy who owned land in the middle of nowhere. She had to commute far to work so didnt make the drive. Her new stepson who was 21 looked after me. We shared a 8X10 camper, no water, outdoor toilet, no electricity,phone, internet,fridge or car and miles from nowhere. Naturaly we became a couple. We drove into town once a week and filled water jugs from gas stations to drink and bathe with. He hitchhiked away ,but came back. because I was underage we couldnt just leave together and by the time I was older our folks guilted him into caring for them and we were never able to start out on our own. I lived much like a homeless person from 13 to 24 I avoided going to town cause people would look at me in disgust. I was filthy and Im sure people thougt I was on drugs.

 

I had a job as a janitor and that is the only job Ive ever had. When I worked I was passing out and I was fragile a long time. My then BF encouraged me to stay at home. I had a GED and no skills and because I also didnt have a licence it was easier for me to stay home.

That seemed okay,but then he quit his job as a custodian and was off 4 years spent most of that time drinking with his brother who moved in with us.He got working again as a dishwasher ,but quit that too. So he started doing driving and caretaking jobs for our parents 400 per month and I made a business at home selling art to make the lions share of the income for a couple years. I was doing okay till the economy got bad and things got worse. Our folks were codependant on us because they lived off grid and stopped driving so we stayed .

Now his father has died leaving us his debts and my mom has moved in with us. She is antagonistic and mental and I am thinking about suicide or running away all the time now. he is talking about getting a part time job.Just enough to ekk by when our quality of life has always been crap.

Am I being stupid? I feel like I have been cheated and am the biggest idiot ever.I think I should get a job. Id be willing to work like a slave at anything,but I have no faith in getting one,I get anxious in social situations. I still feel degraded and that normal people are judging me. DH says I can still make more $ at home than I would at the type of crap job. but my art is drying up. I just dont care about it or anything much anymore. If I dont work then I wont have a drop of SS when Im old nothing to fall back on.

 

Sometimes I think the only way is to leave my husband and go to a town where I could get a job,fend for myself a while,but it would be a hard thing since I have no one. I keep seeing my future as a crazy homeless widow with not a soul in the world who cares.

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Turnip-

 

Let me start by saying you are not alone. I'm only making assumptions here, so please forgive me if any of this is off target.

 

I think your boyfriend is tearing you down. I also think you feel like you owe this man some kind of debt for befriending you and taking your side when nobody else seemed to. This man will not leave the boondocks or his mother because he doesn't want to - not because he can't... please don't let him convince you otherwise.

 

I have to be quite honest with you - someone who would willfully quit their job knowing you are in a financial hardship is a complete a-hole. It is not and has never been your responsiblity to support him financially. For him to talk about getting a part time job (I have a feeling he doesn't really intend to do it), and convince you not to get a job and stay at home is completely ridiculous and it's tearing you apart.

 

Your art is drying up because your soul is drying up, my friend. My advice to you is leave that mess behind you. If he wants to go to the bathroom in a bucket and live with his crazy mom that's his problem - and it certainly doesn't mean you don't have a choice in the matter. If you're ever in a situation where you feel death is your only hope - it's time to make yourself a new situation.

 

Please be strong and put all that stuff behind you. Go get a license, find yourself a job and get the heck outta there baby.

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Thank you Teren. It was really hard to post this.

 

Your right I do think I owe him and I dont want to let him down. I wish I could support him. Hes my bestfriend and I love him so much and need him.My mother dumped me, I have no father or siblings or freinds.

His father just died and I try to be understanding,but finding work keeps getting delayed by something. Ive told him I want to leave when he starts drinking and he says "I think you should, if you want a life"

I was suicidal and was in the hospital a week. They gave me depression meds,but without income those got cut off. He controls all money. He handles bills,groceries,drives the only car. I have no power over my life,but when I try to discuss our probmes he says I am blaming him and that its not his fault. I dont care whos fault I only want better.

 

Yes I think he doenst really want to work even though he knows he has to. He has no goals or interest in training and will only do the minimum to exist. His brother got him a position as a cook with training and he walked out after one day saying he couldnt handle it.

 

He's not an hole. Hes overly nice to the point of being walked on. He let our parents break his back like a mule. Many yrs for free. Now that hes tired do I throw him away?

 

I almost wish he were abusive so I could cut him off. He protects me in a cage and I need to do something to build self asteem and also just cause hes not providing well. I hope Im strong enough to do something. Thank you again . Ill try to hang onto your words.

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