guy who would do anything with me (more than girls he date)but says 'friends forever'. why?

[coffeebaby]

we are best buds ever. we find each other attractive physically, mentally, and in interests. he admitted that he gets dissapointed when he doesnt see me online and just by seeing me online he is pleased. he says that he cant stop thinking about me and that im the reason that drives him to work harder etc. we find each other's comforts, we entertain each other. he says he doesnt like travelling with girls, especially his own girlfriend but he'd like to travel with me. we know how we feel towards each other without actually saying stuff like 'i like u very much' or 'lets get to know each other maybe see where it can take us'.....erm the most he has gone was 'i like u very much and respect u, i didnt mean to offend u blablablabla' but it cud mean in a general 'i like u' way, not the romantic way. im not expecting him to say how he feels towards me and suggest to get serious or something, cause im not into relationships at the mo. sometimes he gets to the point where he's showing that he's really into me but i always end up to control the topic so that he could head to the 'less romantic' direction. i just love his company and altho i like him alot i dont mind being just friends. he also has told me that he's not into serious relationship cos he doesnt see the point of having it at the moment as he's not ready yet. after meeting me, he's dumped his gf that he's been 2gether for a year. just now i was complaining to him that my mum thinks i will never get married as i am useless in the kitchen and lazy. he said stuff like ''oh dont worry,i'd marry u. wait,i dont plan to get married too. it's ok,we can take care of each other''....and another was "u are my type, blablabla".... he said something that made me tell him that he's greedy. then he said "my greed is to have u as a friend forever."....

um what to u think of men who think like him? he loves doing activities with me and not the girls he date, but he would rather choose to be close to me 'forever' than to get serious with me. that is what i understand so far... how come he cud he treat me better than the girls he date?

[coffeebaby]

ps: what does he want from me?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is actually not treating you better than the girls he dates, he is treating you the same way...he is half in, half out, never giving all of himself. With the women he dates he gives his physical presence and the official title, but his mind and emotions are not really engaged. It is unclear whether you see him in person or he is just an online buddy. The thing is, he may say all these wonderful things about you but he is choosing not to be in a relationship with you..so maybe his emotions are with you, but it is all fantasy rather than reality because he is choosing to actually date others, not you. Perhaps it is time to let this one go because it sounds like you want more than just friendship and empty words from him.

[DreamerGirl27]

That description sounds like a situation I am in with my guy friend right now Crazyaboutdogs. I like my guy friend, however, he has told me he flat out doesn't like me like that... Yet continues to share all sorts of emotional and personal and deep information with me that you would generally only share with someone you are in a relationship with. Crimony, it bites a big one. lol

[Nixee]

You are going to have to listen to him as far as what he wants from you and just be very very careful.

 

Don't put off your own needs for him... and I know this is much much easier said than done if you feel you are falling for him. It is ok to talk to him about things.. about your needs and how you feel, but don't ignore his response if he says he truly can't be in a relationship and you feel you need that from him.

 

I had the exact same situation with a guy awhile back.

 

He was my best friend... we were very very close, and he was connected to me intimately. We even did become romantically and sexually intimate so that it felt like we were in a relationship. The hold up came when I spoke about making it official - he backed away. Said he couldn't have that.

 

Next thing I knew in his mind he'd downgraded us again to "just friends"... and a couple months later he was in a casual, strictly sexual - no strings and no mention of the 'relationship' word - situation with another woman. Things got messy and painful for he and I, at the ultimate cost of our friendship.

 

My biggest wish is that I had really listened to him and his needs and not pushed him. I feel I did push him a bit too hard because in my mind and heart I 'just knew' he liked me and 'felt it'. I was probably right.... but he wasn't ready, and he told me.

 

He may very well have growing feelings for you....but you can't realize it before him. If he is hurting you, tell him... talk to him about it. But you can't force him to do anything he isn't ready for.

[fLuiD]

This sounds to me like a guy who is typically shy but is finding comfort in interacting with you. This is just his way of being friendly. He will drop hints, but then quickly say it was a joke, or that it would never happen because you two are such good friends, etc. I couldn't tell by your post if you were interested in him as well, or if you simply want to know what is going on in his mind. If you want to know, just ask him. You two seem close enough to have a serious and open conversation. Ask him if he does like you.

[IGlareOften]

Like girls, guys need confidantes. I agreed with Fluid. If you want to know..just ask.

[penelope13]

For me this spells 'extreme fear of intimacy': he is afraid of sharing all aspects what make a relationship with the same person, because he probably doesn't know how to handle it. Thus he dates someone for who he has no true feelings, while he keeps the one who he cares about as a friend.

 

You have a choice here: you can either accept this and continue to be the friend thus implying to him that it's ok, or you can tell him that is not what you want and you can stop being in contact with him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You know what...you are NOT to blame for making your feelings known. The real issue with people who do this kind of thing is their selfish character. Notice how not only did he run from you the minute you wanted more, he ended up running to someone else to use her to get his needs met. These people are takers, not givers..and they will give just enough to keep the other person hopeful that things will change...they know how to play other people to give hints and suggestions and hope, without actually giving anything of themselves..and the minute the other person pushes, they are out the door to look for another person they can use. In other words, it is their faulty character and selfishness and actions which don't match up to their words which is the root cause of the problem. Some people say words of love but don't provide the proper actions....others provide the proper actions but speak words the complete opposite of their actions. A sincere relationship needs the words AND the actions, not one or the other.

[Nixee]

You know what...you are NOT to blame for making your feelings known. ....... A sincere relationship needs the words AND the actions, not one or the other.

 

I do agree with this..... and thank you for saying this CAD...

 

I sincerely hope coffeebaby can find the right mix of both in her just-a-friend. I know so well the pain and delicate balance of feelings and confusion I think she is finding herself in.