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Howtocope

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I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. In that time, I have never once intitiated sex. I just have no real desire. It's not HIM per say but, I feel very uncomfortable initiating and being aggressive. I have never had to and it's just never been a part of my personality.

 

Over the past year, he has been having an on and off affair with a girl in Canada who ... does put out. She is very aggressive in that area and gave him what he needed.

 

That relationship ended but, our problems still exsist. We are trying to work things out but this is the one area I just don't know how to fix and the MAIN reason he cheated to begin with.

 

How do I MAKE myself feel aggressive!? Sex is almost always uncomfy for me (with anyone) since I am not the most confident person when it comes to my body. So, it doesn't make ripping my clothes off for someone any easier.

 

This is a make or break it in my relationship. I want this to work so badly but, I also don't want to just fake it!

 

Thanks.

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Have you spoken to him to find out what he would like you to do to spice up the sex life? In the 5 years has he ever told you he would like you to initiate more? If he initiates do you participate or do you just lie there and let it happen? Does he make you feel desireable in how he looks at you? Have you figured out why you are uncomfortable with your body. What if the two of you view porn together, or watch it on your own and see what the woman does. The two of you need to communicate on this issue. It will be harder now that he has cheated on you. Is he remorseful about cheating?

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Howtocope, I feel the same exact way you do about sex and relationships with men in general. I am not an aggressor even when it comes to asking guys out. The guy has to do everything, basically. I think you're actually very normal. I am, however, comfortable with my body. I am a virgin, though. So, I can't actually say that for sure, because no guy has ever seen me naked, so I may not be as comfortable with it in a real life situation.

 

I am most definitely not an initiator of anything with guys. The most I ever do is send friend requests on myspace and facebook to guys and think I am initiating something. If they want to talk, they have to message me first, though.

 

I don't think it is a good idea to view porn together, like what Crazyaboutdogs suggested, mostly because I find porn kinda disgusting. I don't find sex disgusting, but I have a lot of Christian values and I don't think watching porn is a good thing. I just don't find it necessary and really wish it didn't exist in the world. Unfortunately, it does and that's just the way it is.

 

Anyway, I understand completely why you don't want to be aggressive and I think you are just a very normal woman. Women aren't really the aggressors in relationships (at least they aren't supposed to be) and if your boyfriend has a problem with that, then that's his problem and he needs to get over it. Also, if he cheated on you, I wouldn't take him back. You deserve better than that. MUCH better. Hope this helped at all, if not, then I'm sorry. I tried.

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Initiating can be something as simple as a kiss and grabbing a hand and putting it somewhere possibly erotic. It really doesn't take much. I think us men don't care much about initiation as much as we care about how much you actually want it. If you show us you enjoy having sex with us, and do these small gestures to show you want to have sex, we are happy as can be!

 

Your insecurities unfortunately are a little tougher to deal with. Your boyfriend is still with you, still wants to work on improving things, and still wants to have sex with you. This should be some boost to your ego and self-esteem. Im sure he has his insecurities too, but because you give him the attention he needs, he feels liked and can put those insecurities behind him. Realize that he finds you attractive, and for right now, he is the only person you need to impress. Let yourself go, and I am sure in the process of forgetting your insecurities, you will learn to enjoy sex more and stop thinking of it as being 'icky'

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Absolutely untrue. I'd say on average, women enjoy sex as much as men do. And i initiate at LEAST 50% of the time!! At the very least. Trust me, I pounce on men I find attractive.

 

OP - have you considered talking to a therapist about your body image issues? maybe that can help you out. Does sex hurt for you physically? or is it emotional discomfort? maybe you can talk to a sex therapist, or even a normal therapist and try to get to the heart of the issue. I'm sure you can see how it can make your bf feel unwanted if you aren't that interested in the act.

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Both those statements are true. As a man I hate the fact that it's like that.... But let's face it women are passive by nature. Women don't like sex as much as men do and aren't as intrested in men as much as men are in women.

 

I have to disagree on your statements. I love sex just as much as my bf. I have a very high sex drive, and I have always loved men.

 

OP - Have you always felt this way about sex? What is it that makes you feel this way? If you're insecure about your body, is there healthy ways that you are capable of changing?

 

You cannot force yourself to be more aggressive in the bedroom, when you truly aren't. However, if it just stems from self esteem issues, then you can possibly work on that first.

 

Alongside of that, I understand that you want to work on your relationship, but can you get past the infidelity?

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Absolutely untrue. I'd say on average, women enjoy sex as much as men do. And i initiate at LEAST 50% of the time!! At the very least. Trust me, I pounce on men I find attractive.

 

OP - have you considered talking to a therapist about your body image issues? maybe that can help you out. Does sex hurt for you physically? or is it emotional discomfort? maybe you can talk to a sex therapist, or even a normal therapist and try to get to the heart of the issue. I'm sure you can see how it can make your bf feel unwanted if you aren't that interested in the act.

 

I agree with this post.

 

You say you have had a 5 year relationship, but your BF had another relationship with someone in another country. Perhaps he is not as into this relationship as you are? We dont know the other side...

 

Regardless, perhaps you should focus on building your own self-esteem independent of any relationship, before pursuing one.

 

You may simply not enjoy sex - not everyone is the same. If your don't , then stop worrying about it and make yourself feel bad about it. Rather, focus on the things that you ENJOY in life and find fulllfilment this way. If another person is focused on sex, then perhaps not the best partner to be with.

 

As a starting point, though, perhaps talking to your Dr or a proper counsellor will help you discover yourself, and if any medical issues or not, and if something easily resolved.

 

Just because society tells you sex is so important for people in general, doesn't mean it is for YOU. You are who you are, and if at the end of the day your are not particularly sexual, then don't beat yourself up trying to become something you are not. Its a no-win scenario.

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FoxMulder, definitely true with me. I am RARELY attracted to men. This doesn't mean I don't like guys, but I don't like them as much as my male friends seem to like girls. I haven't been interested in a guy since I was 22 and I'm 25 now. I'm FINALLY interested in a guy, but it took me 3 years. The one I am interested in, though...whoo boy, do I like him A LOT. lol But...I can't initiate anything with him. Not to mention the fact that he's already told me he doesn't like me like that, so that makes it impossible for me to, even if I REALLY wanted to. But, it would be extremely difficult for me to. I just don't feel comfortable in doing so. I want to be pursued, not the other way around. I was born a female, I intend to act and feel like one. lol

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Yep, my theory on why it is like that is that a woman can't love a man as much as a man can love a woman.

 

On Topic, I also think most girls simply don't like sex and find it disgusting so it's no wonder that the OP doesn't want to initiate sex.

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FoxMulder, I have no idea if that second part is true because I am a virgin. There are several things that could make it true, though. Like, it can be uncomfortable for a girl, I would think more so than for a guy. I definitely don't find it disgusting, though. I just wish the guy I like liked me so I could solve this problem of still being a virgin. lol

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Women aren't really the aggressors in relationships (at least they aren't supposed to be) and if your boyfriend has a problem with that, then that's his problem and he needs to get over it.

 

Careful of all this "you are normal" stuff imo - that's all noble and agreeable, but you/OP still loses because the guy leaves. Who knows maybe that's for the best long term if you just aren't compatible but if you palm it off as his problem then don't come crying later that you've lost it all.

 

And imo you'll have a hard time keeping a guy if you never initiate, unless you want a control freak.

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I'm also not positive the first part is true, either. In fact, I don't think it is at all. My only point was to say that women aren't INITIATORS. Because they are passive. Once I do find a man I like, trust me...I love him with all my heart.

 

Well if you are passive all the time, never initiate anything, lets the guy do everything and never show any appreciation or love... then I just don't see how you can possibly love the man as much as the man loves you. As a man I certenley would not feel loved if my girl was like you... I suspect the majority of women are like that though.

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I had a girlfriend who did the exact same thing. She didn't innitiate EVER. It made me feel unnatractive and unwanted. In a relationship I think both parties should be innitiating sex. If not then it could lead to feelings and being unapreciated. She also wasn't aggressive when we had sex, which made me feel like she wasn't ever into it, which is a major turn off. Coming from a guys point of view, after so long of you never starting the sex or making moves, plus you sound boring in bed, it's no doubt that he got sick of feeling unwanted and got bored with the sex you did have and found someone on the same level as him. I dumped the girl that was boring/never made a move and found a girl who filled my needs, and we couldnt be happier. I'm not saying change who you are, but maybe you need to find a guy with a lower sex drive and doesnt mind boring sex

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FoxMulder, the only way I would not show appreciation is if I pulled away when he went to kiss me. If I don't pull away, it means I WANT him to kiss me. That's the only way I know how to show appreciation. If I was in a relationship with a guy who did that to me all the time FIRST, I may get more comfortable showing him a little more attention, like kissing him first, but the guy DEFINITELY has to go first. The guy leans 80%, the girl leans 20%. It's just he way it is. It's the difference between being masculine and feminine. It isn't feminine to jump a guy's bones. Just my opinion.

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FoxMulder, the only way I would not show appreciation is if I pulled away when he went to kiss me. If I don't pull away, it means I WANT him to kiss me. That's the only way I know how to show appreciation. If I was in a relationship with a guy who did that to me all the time FIRST, I may get more comfortable showing him a little more attention, like kissing him first, but the guy DEFINITELY has to go first. The guy leans 80%, the girl leans 20%. It's just he way it is. It's the difference between being masculine and feminine. It isn't feminine to jump a guy's bones. Just my opinion.

 

That entire post seems like a stero-type against men. Why do men have to take all responsibility of intimacy in a relationship? I agree jumping a guys bones who your not in a relationship with is rather * * * * ty, the same goes with guys, but as a male I would feel like a girl wasn't into me sexually if she never made any moves. Like I said in my previous post, and I have dated girls who NEVER initiated, girls who are so held back are boring. Have some fun with your man! I gaurentee it would up the morale of your relationship.

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Trust me, you'll KNOW if I don't think are attractive or unwanted and it won't be because I don't dry hump your leg first every chance I get. It will be because when you go to touch me, I pull away, flat out don't let you, or flat out tell you or give you hints that I don't want you to get anywhere near me. I have no problem letting guys I'm not interested in knowing it. I had this guy kiss me an hour after meeting me and I let him at first because I thought he was cute. It ended up not working out after not very long, but the point was, I gave him a chance and the only reason he even got to kiss me was because he kissed me first. It could also be that I'm a virgin and very inexperienced, but if a guy wants me. He can do the chasing, the kissing, the initiating of sex, everything. It also lets a girl know that the guy is interested in her. You never want to be the female in a relationship with YOUR heart on the line. It's unlady-like and unattractive as a woman. That's why men still pay on dates, open the doors for women and until a man starts popping out babies, it will never be "equal". Women can work in the work force all day long until the end of eternity, men and women will never fully be "equal". Sorry, I just have very strong morals and values on this subject. Men are also born bigger and stronger. Even a man who looks fairly smaller than a girl, has more muscle than a girl due to things like testosterone. That's also why men still fight in wars and protect women and children. If you're not man enough to ask me out first and make the first move to kiss me, then *I* feel unattractive and unwanted and that's worse than you feeling that way. Maybe after I've been in a relationship with a guy for awhile, I may get more comfortable initiating something, but I am still a virgin and VERY feminine and VERY uncomfortable being the initiator of anything. You have to let me know it's okay to touch you, otherwise, forget it. This guy I like right now, I touched his arm at coffee one morning and my heart literally lept out of my throat, then I found out later that he actually doesn't like me like that, you think I'm gonna try that ever again? Eff no!! It also has a lot to do with what you SAY to a girl. Women also are talkers. They like to talk. A lot more than guys. I hate to be the typical female here, but that's what I am. A typical female. So, anyway. yeah...I don't see anything wrong with the OP, I think she is just a very normal woman with normal insecurities that I wouldn't even necessarily call insecurities, but for lack of a better word, and pure boredom of typing now...that's just what I'll call it for now. On another note. Be a man, dammit. Ask a girl out and initiate something if you want to, open the door, and pay on a date. I hate society and how things like "chivalry" are seeming to be thrown out the window. A good swift kick of "old fashioned" could really do the world a lot of good right now.

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That entire post seems like a stero-type against men. Why do men have to take all responsibility of intimacy in a relationship? I agree jumping a guys bones who your not in a relationship with is rather * * * * ty, the same goes with guys, but as a male I would feel like a girl wasn't into me sexually if she never made any moves. Like I said in my previous post, and I have dated girls who NEVER initiated, girls who are so held back are boring. Have some fun with your man! I gaurentee it would up the morale of your relationship.

 

You and me would never work out, because I am "boring" and love it and am perfectly fine with it.

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Ah I see dreamer, your still a virgin. Didn't know that. I was referring to already be in a close relationship where sex is a regular thing. I agree that men should open the door, make the first move concerning kissing/sex when your not in a relationship. Was just referring to those already in a relationship.

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LoL I was about to get all mad. I was just gonna say something like, is it stereotyping a guy to say men will never be able to get pregnant? and something like, "the flower will never fly to the bee". or something like that. Just another analogy to make you understand a little of how the OP is thinking. I honestly have no idea how I would react if I was in already in a relationship, I just know right now...I am in the same mind set as the OP.

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Yea were talking about two different scenario's hehe. But the OP said she was in a relationship for FIVE years and never ONCE initiated. Also said she was boring in the sack. Your still a virgin and not in a relationship. Thought you were, but I agree if your single you should not be "dry humping guy's legs" lol

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