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Too much going on for me to deal with.


goldfinger88

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I've posted on this site before, but not on this board. July 16th of last year my dad died and things have been downhill since then. By downhill I mean financially, emotionally, spiritually and everywhere in between. I live with my mom and my sister (I originally planned to move out last summer but was unable to do so because of my dad).

 

Last week my sister's transmission died and now my car is beginning to act weird. We've got a little money to work with, but we're way overstretched and no one really knows what to do. This is tearing me up in so many ways that it's ridiculous. The reason: because my dad isn't here to tell me it's okay and it's something he can't fix. I'm the man of the house now and I'm failing my mom and sister because I have no solution. Today was the first day I cried since my dad and I don't see any way out of our financial situation.

 

I should be excited because I've been working out and I've dropped 2 pounds in 3 days. I should be happy that I met a girl and we've been growing closer for the past month and a half and I was about to ask her to make it official and be my girlfriend. I should be happy I have family and friends who love me dearly. But I'm a failure and I'm stagnant. College may not work out this fall due to financial reasons and I feel like money will always be this tight and the worry and anxiety will always be here. I don't have my dad to tell me he'll find a way for me. I'm alone.

 

My sister tells me we'll get through this financial hump, but we both know she and my mom are looking at me in all of this. I can't escape the worry and blinding fear and I just want it all to stop. It's like I'm trapped with no way out and I'm just gonna feel miserable for so long. I can't bear it though. If I couldn't do something when my dad was around, I know he had my back. I mean this in so many ways, but primarily I mean in a financial way. But now I'm by myself with all of it.

 

I don't see things getting better and I'm tired of feeling so completely hopeless. I used to be in counseling from age 12-17, so I know everything everyone is going to as to why I shouldn't hurt myself, but over the past 2 years there's been one or two good things and the rest has been hell. What kind of life is it when you pray to God for your next good moment while you're surrounded by hopelessness 'til he answers? I feel like I'm suffocating and just when I'm about to drown I'm pulled up for 2 seconds to get what breath I can, then I'm shoved right back under again.

 

I'm too much of a wuss to actually hurt myself, but I'm trapped. No where to go.

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Things'll get better when your bad luck runs out. It always does as long as you're willing to outlast it. Missing your Dad is normal, but step by step, you must walk on your own - and you CAN! As to your finances, these days a degree doesn't mean much, so perhaps you're better off and smarter/better challenged in the workforce.

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Have you thought of grief counseling? I didn't go and should have my entire world fell apart after my dad died, and the rammifications are still being felt, with the suicide of my oldest which is a direct result of decisions I made following my dad's death. Please be weary of any life altering decisions, take things a day at a time, and know in time all wounds heal.

 

There will be times when you miss your dad, that's normal, but there will be times when you think about him and recall the good memories. You'll get past your need to rely on him in your daily life, which is the hardest part of losing a parent. There will always be times you'll want him around, but those times become fewer and fewer as time passes.

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