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Turbulent relationship-need advice :/


hippolover

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Hi everyone.

 

This is my very first post here on this site, so excuse me if I make any faux pas. I did read the FAQs. I'd appreciate it greatly if I could get some advice. I'll try to keep my post as short as possible, but I want to give as many details as possible.

 

So I am a freshman in college (I'm also gay). Over the summer, before school started I started talking to another gay incoming freshman, we'll call him Tim (not real name) and we got along really well. We were both looking forward to meeting each other a lot. So when school started, we met up and things were great for a couple of days. Then out of nowhere he confessed his undying love for me. I didn't really know what to do because I did like him, but we only knew each other for a couple weeks. I panicked and for a few weeks we became sort of estranged. I guess what added to it was the fact that I was having trouble adjusting to college life and this was really unneeded stress. I told him we really should take things slow but we wound up becoming estranged anyway.

 

So after a few weeks of estrangement we sort of run into each other again and rekindle the friendship. This time we take it a bit more slowly and we begin dating and became officially each others boyfriends. Our relationship became sexual (we took each others virginities as well). We became really close.

 

Then, out of nowhere one day he confesses that he cheated on me. It was one encounter and didn't go past 2nd base. There were a lot of tears and arguments but I brought myself to forgive him and mend the relationship.

 

However, he tells me next that he has been having feelings for another (gay) guy, a different guy than the one he cheated on me with. This guy helped comfort him during the period where we were estranged (which was particularly hard on him). He still told me he loved me and wanted to be with me more than he did with this other guy, but he couldn't be in a relationship until he worked it out. This other guy however did NOT reciprocate his feelings and when he found out Tim liked him, he basically started shunning him. This devastated Tim and I was there to try and help but it took a severe toll on both of us and led to a lot more fighting and some very dramatic moments.

 

However, during all this time we never stopped hooking up. We oscillated between periods of fighting a lot, then making up and being really intimate emotionally/physically. He really began opening up more to me during this time and I did to. We shared a lot of deep feelings and he opened up about his depression, how in high school he contemplated suicide, and that he felt like he needed some professional help. I told him of course I'd be there for him.

 

However, our relationship still was full of turmoil and we went back and forth between being really happy together and being really sad. He had gotten over the other guy and he still said he loved me but wasn't sure if he needed to "explore" and be free for a while as he also dealt with his depression.

 

However, we never really broke up. We never stopped acting like a couple and for a while things had been getting better again and he agreed to stay monogamous with me. However, he said he didn't want to be in a relationship, that he wasn't ready for one. This left me extremely confused. If he's willing to be monogamous with me, we both care a lot about each other and are there for each other emotionally as well, is that not what a relationship is? How can he say he's not ready? I just don't get it.

 

What makes it more confusing is that there were a couple instances where he thought I might just give up on the relationship and he would start crying and ask me not to leave him. That he wanted what we had to continue/he didn't want to be alone.

 

So, I tried doing this relationship without a title thing for a while but it was getting to me and eventually I had to talk with Tim about it. It felt really insulting that we had this deep thing going on between us but it was like he refused to acknowledge it. But the talk didn't go over too well.

 

I think the real reason he's being like this is that he just wants me around for sex, and is willing to be with me only until he finds someone else/better. We haven't talked about this part and I'm sure he'd deny it even if it were true. But what do you all think?

 

My roommate has told me that he heard from some other people that Tim likes to play mind games with people. I don't know who he heard this from and I'm not sure if I believe it or not because whenever I talk to Tim it's like he's opening up to me this inner most part of himself that no one else sees and it feels really sincere.

 

And so I guess out of anger one night recently I told him I wasn't sure if I could handle him in my life anymore. I stopped calling/texting him and the next night he instant messaged me saying it seems wrong to him that our relationship has become so utterly crappy (he also mentioned that he thought I looked really handsome the other day when he saw me around campus). So I took this to mean maybe he wanted to work on things.

 

But then today in the dining hall, we both know the other is there but we both acted as if the other wasn't there and went about our one way without saying hi. I don't know what this means.

 

I feel like its getting to the point where it may finally be over. A part of me has come to accept that. But a part of me hasn't. I really do love him, despite everything that has happened. And I just want us to be together and to be happy as a couple. I know we're both really young and inexperienced, but I really did fall for him hard and believed him to be a keeper.

 

I'm just so lost and really need advice.

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Being a college freshman is a big upheaval in life. Even though you hadn't had sex prior to him, could you have been more mature relationship wise? Obviously I am not talking about sex - but the give and take that goes along with relationships and friendships. Did he just "come out" with him leaving for college? I am not gay - I'm a straight female - but I know what its like to suddenly be exposed to a ton of different people and have different crushes. Its not like being in high school where its the same old people - all the sudden there are thousands of folks there. I find that most people who pledge their undying love at first meeting or in the first few weeks have very little experience with their feelings, etc. Sure it happens differently where people really know what they want - but I think its the vast majority. I don't know if I can really offer advice - but maybe that explains the behavior. You shouldn't have to put up with his messing around with different people though and still being with you.

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