ALAS...My Cunning Plan Failed at Epic Proportions :(

[Just Me85]

So basically I was seeing my best friend exclusively for 3 months and he got freaked out, saying he had feelings for me and if it were any other girl it would be okay, but because its me its too risky blah blah...

 

Anyway, he got jealous last week when we were out on the town whenever a guy looked at me he tried to get my attention or kiss me! Which after a few drinks worked on his part Gosh I wish I wasn't head over heels with him, I feel like such a mug sometimes...

 

Anyways, since that day he still texts everyday, menial conversations, rather dull. He doesnt flirt anymore or show any interest and Im feeling pretty rejected. It doesnt help that I think Im falling in love with him. He goes cold if I ever mention the fact we were seeing eachother and freezes up. I feel like he has massively pushed me away. I mean last Saturday he even told me that he was in love with me 3 years ago! How can he go from that to this so quickly Instead of "goodnight gorgeous x" its "take it easy x"

 

Anyway I made a big blunder. I know it was wrong but in the past I know that he gets jealous, so I casually mentioned that I was asked out on a date yesterday. His immediate response was "Yeah? Are you going to pursue it?! ;-)".

 

Now I had actually said no to this date because Im not interested in anyone at the moment but I told him that I wasnt sure yet, that I might but Im undecided.

 

Now in my stupor, I guess I just wanted some kind of reaction, to see if he still cared at all..but all I got in the reply was

 

"Cool..well good luck if u do! Anyway I meant to ask you if your still free on Saturday if you want to come shopping with me for Mothers Day bits? x"

 

NO REACTION! And whats worse is he wants me to help him choose a gift for his mother! I have become the cling on, the loser friend

 

..and like a mug I said yes..because Im a mug, actually id go as far as to say Im a teapot!

 

 

I just dont understand how he can go from saying all these things last week about how 3 years ago he wanted to tell me he loved me but bottled it, talking about the future...to this

 

I know I shouldnt have done it and its backfired, but at least I know he has no feelings for me anymore. I guess I was a dufus...How can feelings just dissipate in the stretch of a week. The more time goes by the more I fall for him. I really dont want to lose him as a friend, if that really is all we can ever be, but its breaking my heart.

 

Any advice?

 

x

[lostinslc]

He's bailing on the relationship.

 

If a guy vocalizes something, believe him.

[nutbrownhare]

Now in my stupor, I guess I just wanted some kind of reaction, to see if he still cared at all..but all I got in the reply was

 

"Cool..well good luck if u do! Anyway I meant to ask you if your still free on Saturday if you want to come shopping with me for Mothers Day bits? x"

 

NO REACTION! And whats worse is he wants me to help him choose a gift for his mother! I have become the cling on, the loser friend

If you want to find out if someone cares, you need to be more open and vulnerable with them. As you have found out, the type of game you describe above is likely to backfire. Actually, I think he's being very kind asking if you still want to go shopping with him!

 

You were trying to make him jealous, assuming that jealousy means the other person cares (it doesn't necessarily) and have also assumed that the apparent lack of jealousy means he doesn't care (again, it doesn't necessarily). What he has done, though, is keep his dignity and at the very least let you know that you won't be able to control and manipulate him by acting like this. It wouldn't have done YOU any good if he had, let alone him!

 

I don't understand at all why you get to the conclusion that have become the cling on, the loser friend [/i] You haven't.

 

I hope you will meet up with him to go shopping. I hope you let him know that you didn't go on that other date because although you found it flattering that someone had asked, you weren't interested. And I hope you will find it within yourself to be more open and honest with him.

 

Good luck!

[Just Me85]

Yeah, you're right...

 

Well to be honest nutbrownhare, by the time I received your advice I was already feeling pretty lousy. I know it was childish, and I guess his response highlighted that for me. He remained calm and acted like a respectable adult, and I supposed it infuriated me that he kept the higher ground.

 

He did approach the matter with dignity and grace, which just pointed out to me my apparent lack of dignity at this point. Love makes us do crazy things. On one hand, I want him to be happy but the selfish part of me is making me act all crazy and its wrong

 

I responded to him and agreed to go shopping and offered to treat him to a movie afterwards. I also told him that

 

"I kinda decided against the idea, its not worth it unless I really really like him. Plus Im waiting for something a bit more special than that, and somethings holding me back, but it was nice to feel wanted I guess

 

He told me hes going to treat me to a couple of drinks on Saturday aswell. Its just driving me crazy.

 

Perhaps he is bailing, and Ive read He's Just Not That Into You, which was quite a harrowing read! But I cant shake off this gut feeling that he feels something for me. I guess thats why Im finding it hard to move forward.

 

I dont want to lose him completely and will have to learn to be friends but I feel like a massive failiure. I mean he really really seemed to be into me I dont understand how that can just change. It could be because when we had a chat a few weeks ago (which resulted in him saying he wants to focus on our friendship..yeah that stung)...well this chat involved me saying that I felt used sexually. I'd just had an abortion, my emotions were all over the place and it just twisted the knife finding out that he didnt want a girlfriend. He made a massive point of when we gave it a go, telling me that he didnt want to mess it up this time, but now he's pushing me away

 

I just don't understand, I'd love to hear some more input if you have any.

 

xx Thanks xx

[nutbrownhare]

It could be because when we had a chat a few weeks ago (which resulted in him saying he wants to focus on our friendship..yeah that stung)...well this chat involved me saying that I felt used sexually. I'd just had an abortion, my emotions were all over the place and it just twisted the knife finding out that he didnt want a girlfriend. He made a massive point of when we gave it a go, telling me that he didnt want to mess it up this time, but now he's pushing me away

My first concern is that you had an abortion a few weeks ago - this can be ENORMOUSLY traumatic for some people, and I'm wondering if you've yet processed the grieving that's arisen from it. This is bound to have an effect on relationships. Does he know about the abortion? Was he the guy involved in the terminated pregnancy? When you say that this chat involved you saying that you felt used sexually, did you mean by him, or in general?

 

Either way, a sensitive guy would not force the issue and pressure you into having a relationship. The friendship bit sounds to me like he's making sure he doesn't lose hold of you, but if someone shared with me the kind of things you describe above, I'd be keeping my distance, too. Mainly to give them the space to sort themselves out with no pressure. So I'm not surprised that he's doing just that. I also find it extremely unlikely that his feelings for you have just changed, but he probably also needs to protect himself here - especially if you're suggesting going on dates with other guys.

 

I'm mystified that you think he has no feelings for you any more. If I read your posts correctly, he still texts you every day, wants to go shopping, catch a movie and a couple of drinks with you ...? It doesn't sound like the actions of someone who doesn't care about you!

 

I'm a great fan of 'He's Just NOT That Into You' - I think it's a wonderful book, but it works on the assumption that the woman involved is perfectly OK, sorted and available for a relationship, and just wasting time with a guy who's not emotionally available. That just doesn't sound like your fella.

 

I'm guessing that you're still feeling extremely fragile at the moment; you wouldn't be human if you weren't. Please be nice to yourself, get yourself some pampering, whatever will make you feel good. Consider counselling if you haven't done so already. As regards your relationship with him, just enjoy as much as you can, have a great time on Saturday, and don't keep telling yourself you're a loser, or a failure, or anything else which is likely to dent your self-esteem still further.

 

You've got a lot of positive history with this fella; it's not like a brand new relationship with someone you've only just met. Take care of yourself and let the relationship take care of itself; my guess is that the dust will settle in time and everything will be OK.

[Just Me85]

In answer to your questions, yeah he does know about the abortion, the baby was his..While it was all going on he was very supportive and there for me. He even came to pick me up from the hospital and he spent the evening just cuddling me and looking after me.

 

Before I got pregnant, I wasnt so clingy and obsessive about things. Yeah I know I really liked him but I was happy with how things were, we were basically best friends and lovers though not officially boyfriend and girlfriend. This didnt bother me at the time because I knew I was different to other girls he'd been with and the situation was completely different.

 

He had even said that he sees a future, and he used to make jokes about "when we get married" He'd ask me stuff like how many kids did I want and that even though he plans to move to Canada in 10 years time he wants me to go with him. I dunno, it seemed like he was thinking about stuff like that, even if not seriously. It was quite unique and special.

 

I think the abortion could have changed things. He said he wasnt ready for a child and I agreed that neither was I. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through physically and mentally. I think at the time, in some ways it brought us closer together. He always wanted to see if I was okay, came to hospital appointments with me etc..After the procedure he said he had been preparing for me to say I wasnt going to go through with it and that he would have supported me if he had needed to.

 

I think we tried to resume things after the abortion without really talking about it very much. He pretty much went back to normal, when I was recovered and felt ready, we resumed our sexual relationship. I thought I was ready and stuff, but afterwards I just felt a bit empty and dirty. It was after this that I went quiet and he started asking what was wrong and I blew up about it and we had a row. I said that I felt used and that he only wants one thing from me and I called him a coward which I know I shouldnt have done! It was just my emotions, I lost control of them He said some hurtful things too that night. He said that I'm going to use the abortion against him every time we have a fight, which isnt true I was just feeling sad and trying to explain. He got defensive. And thats when he said we should just be friends because I will throw it in his face all the time.

 

We both since apologised to eachother but he said he doesnt think we should have a sexual relationship anymore and focus on being friends. I know he broke up with his ex just over a year ago and she hurt him bad so he's pretty scared of relationships. I dont want to keep going on about the abortion to him, whats done is done. I just want to be the normal smiley 24 year old he thinks he awesome but its like the fun has been zapped out of me. Instead Im this obsessive, clingy and insecure person.

 

xx I really do appreciate the help your giving me xx