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My girlfriend seem to have already decided she never wants children! :confused:


jimbo23888

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Hi, me and my girlfriend have been together for over 3 years now and although we are still both fairly young,(21 and 20) we have began discussing moving out with each other etc within around 2 years. This worries me though, not because im scared of moving out with her, its because she seems to have made up her mind about never wanting children. It is not that i want children now, i am just worried that 5 years down the line we might have our own place and then if i decide i would like a family and she turns round to me and says "i told you i never want children" then what would i do. I know most of you will be thinking, "shes young, she will most probably change her mind", this is what i though until last night when she was so sure she never wants them when i said well we will never last then will we, she said "probably not if we both want different things". The thing is she is the only love i have ever had and she is so beautiful, i never want to lose her and just the thought of it have an inevitable end if she doesn't change her mind scares me to death, i feel like it is already over so to speak. She even swore on her grandma's grave that she thinks she will never want kids. What shall i do?? cheers Joe

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Believe it or not there are many women who don't feel the need to have children, some plain just don't like them and others don't want them. It's a personal matter, but you need to make sure she is certain about this. you guys are fairly young and her opinion might change in 5 years time.

Having said that, I have a friend who since I can remember has been certain she doesn't want children, she is 30 now and still does not want them. I also have another friend who used to say she didn't want them, and only changed her mind when she got married, 3-4 years into the marriage. they now have two lovely sons.

 

You really shouldn't worry too much about it now, since she is being open about it therefore you know what you're getting yourself in to. It wont be a shock later if she decides she doesn't really want them ever.

 

Having said that, it's better to end something sooner than later. I think a break up would be harder if you guys live together and stay together for years and she still does not change her mind. One of you will have so sacrifice your happiness and I feel it will have to be you. Is that something you can live with?

 

Remember, you can't force her to have children. So maybe you need someone who wants children as you do.

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If you really believe that she doesnt want to have children then despite her perfection she will not fulfill your lifes goal to have children of your own. If you can live a whole life without children then stay with her but why deny yourself such a fundamental thing in your life?

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It is a really hard one as i don't want to end it, we have got good things coming up together e.g. holidays abroad. I believe like you said it may not be worth worrying about now but will definitely have to be addressed before moving out. I am however an optimist and hopefully my girlfriend will be similar to second friend you mentioned

 

Thankyou for your help, much appreciated , Joe

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Just remember, there is always hope, however just because some women change their minds does not mean all do.

 

Many don't and that many also do. It's really hard to say, are there any specific reasons why she does not want to have children?

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I'm one of those women that want kids (and I"m 21) and I'll be honest, I couldn't be in a LTR with a guy who DIDN't want to have children. It would be a deal breaker for me.

 

My best friend was like her. Swore up and down she never wanted kids, that she didn't have a maternal bone in her body. She now has the most adorable one year old little girl and is a great mom. People can change their minds or circumstances can cause them to change it.

 

But you have to ask yourself how badly you do want kids one day. Not now of course but 5 years down the road... could you live happily ever after never having kids?

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No i couldn't stay with her, i know for definate one day i want to be a dad, i just feel i should maybe give it a year and if she si still so sure before we set to move out together then we will probably have to go our separate ways, even though it will hurt so much, and this is what i am afraid of because i never though there will be anything to break us up till this and it almost seems pointless being in the relationship if it has an inevitable ending.

 

Cheers Joe

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It's going to hurt, but sometimes you have to be selfish in life, especially if it's something you know you really want.

 

Ultimately my previous relationship ended for that same purpose: I want kids (and would be fine with having one right now) and as much as he did want it, he wasn't ready.

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You're young enough that there is a good likelihood that you will change partners, for this or other reasons. People grow and change a lot between the years of 20-30, so there is a good chance that either you or she might decide to move on to someone else regardless.

 

I wouldn't put the cart before the horse though. You are so young, you probably wouldn't marry for another 5-10 years anyway, so don't need to make a decision now. But i wouldn't move in with her unless you were sure you were really serious with her (intending to marry). There comes a point where you don't want to get in deeper, if you know you have different life goals.

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I had a best friend in high school who HATED kids. I always wanted kids and she would make fun of me - saying that she could never have them and they were so annoying etc. Then she needed a job and the only one she could get was at a daycare - she dreaded it. But she took it and ended up LOVING kids and now wants a few of her own.

 

Maybe you could first try exposing your girlfriend to kids and have her get around them more. Maybe after that she will change her mind - and if not - she probably never will. This way at least you might have a better idea.

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I agree with others, being 21 vs. say 25 or even 27 is different for most people, emotionally and psychologically you see things differently. Who knows, the table could turn, you may have a busy career without much thought in children and all of a sudden she's the one who wants to settle down and have them.

 

I'd say embrace the current relationship. Children are great I can tell you, they are hard work but there's nothing like being a dad and a parent. Good luck

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I had a best friend in high school who HATED kids. I always wanted kids and she would make fun of me - saying that she could never have them and they were so annoying etc. Then she needed a job and the only one she could get was at a daycare - she dreaded it. But she took it and ended up LOVING kids and now wants a few of her own.

 

Maybe you could first try exposing your girlfriend to kids and have her get around them more. Maybe after that she will change her mind - and if not - she probably never will. This way at least you might have a better idea.

 

My girlfriend currently works as a nursery nurse and deals with children everyday, she loves kids, but for some reason never wants her own

 

cheers joe

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I think if you stay with her (and there are a lot of good reasons to stay), you need to accept what she says about children. In other words, it's not a good idea to hope she'll change, stay with her, and then leave her if she doesn't change her mind someday. If it is that important to you that you have children, then it is a dealbreaker. But you have to weigh your desire to have children someday against your love for this woman. You might leave her, meet someone else, have a family and be miserable. You never know.

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