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Woke up crying from a dream


plop

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I've never had a strong, gentle male figure in my life. My dad is hardworking, but sometimes he can be extremely cold and insensitive and sometimes use verbal abuse. I've been traumatised by the way he can be when he loses his temper since I was a toddler, and I grew up (now 20) always on guard and never really letting myself to be close to him. I've never hugged him because it felt uncomfortable and not right, and I secretly envied those who were perfectly at ease hugging their dads for long time.

Right now, I am hopelessly and terribly infatuated (dare I use the word, 'love'?) with this guy at school. It's so bad, he's shy and I'm shy and I've been dreaming about him and I think about him 24-7 consciously and subconciously. I just had a dream where I saw him, yet it was just like in real life - unable to physically touch him or get close to him, just exchange smiles and be very casual.... basically having no idea how he feels about me.Then my dream scene shifted to a place where I was in the car with my parents, grandfather and my dad's friend, who was the driver. We were driving up a very steep mountain and I was sure we were going to fall. We were even going upside down and I was extremely scared. I commented "Sir, you're a really good driver" and my grandfather adds to my comment " Do you think that thing comes easily, you foolish girl? It takes years and years of practise instead of just sitting around lazily and just watching". And I protested back saying I didn't mean it that way, and that I was just simply complimenting the driver. And then my grandfather lost his temper for talking to him 'in that tone' and started yelling. The strange thing was, even though LOGICALLY, he was my grandfather, he looked and sounded exactly like my dad. So in the dream we finally got out of the car, I started crying. My dad in the dream hugged me comforting me, which is weird because he NEVER does that sort of thing in real life. I cried harder, and then ultimately I broke free of the hug, and pointed at both him and grandfather saying they were the same. They were both mean and insensitive. And I was crying so hard that I could barely talk. Then I woke up, crying equally as hard. I cried for about an hour, and I felt miserable. I felt miserable that I really needed someone to hug (preferably a male figure) and just have someone I can depend on emotionally. And I felt miserable that I was going to go to class today and sit next to this guy I am crazy about, yet everything will be casual and he will most likely leave class early because he always seems to do that. And I'd spend the next hours thinking only about him and agnonising to death.

 

I know 90% of you are telling me to let him know how I feel. I just can't do that. I know it seems only logical and pathetic if not, but this is something I really REALLY cannot do. I don't know, I have anxiety issues? Also everything is going to be awkward if he doesn't feel the same way. We're stuck in same class for next 4 years, and he doesn't have any other friends other than myself because he is also very private and introverted. (more than myself)

 

As for my dad, I've basically given up on my relationship with him. I will be moving out in 3 years and that is something I am very looking forward to. I don't really speak to him at home, I don't think he really cares either.... so he's not a problem, I'm thinking I had that dream because of the guy I was crushing on and that sort of related to the whole male-figure problem. I don't know.

 

 

I don't really know why I wrote this, but I just felt so miserable inside I had to let it out ... somewhere.

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Hugs are very under-rated. I remember reading some psych article that basically said (paraphrasing), "humans are social creatures, and in order to feel fulfilled some people need as many as 15 instances of physical contact (ie: hugs) with another human per day."

 

Not getting your quota for an extended period of time can have consequences on your psyche and well-being. I would not be surprised if the intensity of your dream (and subject matter) was a direct result of this.

 

As for the object of your desire - you have most certainly built him up beyond reality, which is unfortunate as it will make it that much more difficult to ever actually talk to him. At this point you likely NEED to maintain what you feel about/for him, and can't let anything risk ending that (like rejection).

 

I think, in time, you will be able to find the man that you seek - there are plenty of guys out there that fit the bill.

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