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I just got back from visiting my long term boyfriend in another state. We've been long distance for a month now. There's talk of marriage. I'm 23. Today I received an email from my mother regarding this. Parts of it are below.

 

"I was informed [by my sister] that you plan on following your boyfriend out to [different state] for a change of environment and to "take courses". Let me say in no uncertain words that you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. You may never rebound from this or the setback will leave you beaten and bitter to the extent that you could never recover. [The boyfriend] and you may talk about you completing your education [in a different state], but is this a reality, a dream or a handly catch phrase to keep negative speculation away? You had difficulty completing [college] with his presence, so what gives you the idea that he will push you to finish [in a different state]?"

 

"To make a long story short. I feel you are on a path to heartbreak, despair, and destruction. You are spiraling down and will have a hard fall. YOU DON'T LISTEN, AND ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE LISTENING TO ME AND THOSE WHO HAVE HAD YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART!!!!!"

 

"I took the liberty to call [the boyfriend] yesterday to hear from him what were his intentions toward you. To put it bluntly. I found [the boyfriend] to be direct, defensive, confrontational and rude! I am calling him with respect as a concerned parent and was dismissed off the phone due to a "meeting" he had to attend."

 

"I feel you are in big trouble. [The boyfriend] is controlling, appears angry, hostile and may be depressed. I don't know his true intentions. He is not long on words. His inability to express himself, leaves me concerned. I am a good judge of character, and I know anyone who has your best interest at heart, would not separate you from your family, or your supportive enviornment by having you travel to [a different state] to live, discourage you in regards to your education ( finishing college which you can complete in 4 years to streching this out to 5 years for his benefit)."

 

"I feel [the boyfriend] is self centered, arrogant, narcissistic and may be depressed. He is ripe to be psychologically, verbally and physically abusive toward you. I feel you just don't know the signs, are immature, naive, depressed yourself, stubborn, arrogant and is headed for trouble."

 

My mother never has anything nice to say to me or about me. When I first met my bf she asked me what he could possibly see in me. She told me she'd "expose me" to him one day. When she spoke to my bf on the phone, she even said, "You've been together for a while. Obviously, you can tolerate her."

 

I've never been close to my mother. My sister is her partner in crime. After all these years, why would they care about what I've been up to?

 

Can anyone here tell me what's going on?

 

Also, does anyone have any advice about where to go from here?

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I think your mother is a controlling nitwit and that she is lucky that your boyfriend was not more rude to her than he was - she appears to be out of control, arrogant, nasty and rude. If I were you I would tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that you will not be speaking to her again until she apologises. To call him up as she did transgressed every boundary of civilised behaviour.

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It's really hard to know what the reality here is. What do your friends think of your bf? Ask them to tell you honestly. Usually it's a good indication that if a bunch of people feel a similar way about a person, they are usually right. But, if everyone thinks highly of your bf (and you have been completely honest with them about how he treats you) your mother may be off-base.

 

So it sounds like you were in school before & stopped going? Any chance your mother is right that you stopped because of your bf? I don't think 5 years of school is horrible. I took 4 1/2; no biggie.

 

However, I would consider getting my own apartment in this state you are moving to with your bf. If things don't work out.. it's just easier that way. If you can afford it, do it.

 

I really don't know what the truth here is. Sometimes parents worry too much. Other times, they can see things we can't.

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My mother has most of the characteristics of a narcissistic mother as listed on the following site:

 

daughtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com

 

Point #1: My mother thrives on "drama." She's been telling me over the years that "it will all come crashing down" and that "she will be there to pick up the pieces." This was in reaction to dating my bf, switching majors in college, and deciding on a different career path.

 

Point #2: She's never approved of my thoughts, opinions, haircut, hairstyle, and most recently my bf. Just a couple of weeks ago she said that she's always been supportive of my relationship with my bf. When we first started dating she'd call and ask, "Are you * * * * ING him? Your first should be [our ethnicity]."

 

Point #3 and 5: My mother's always tearing into other people. She spent days talking about my brother. He just had a child and his wife resigned from her job. My mother's convinced he won't be able to deal with the stress, will fall ill, and die an early death.

 

Point #4 and 7: Everyone's crazy except for her. I've asked her for better treatment. I'm simply too sensitive. She'll go into a rage and then ignore me.

 

Point #6: Did you read the parts of the letter?

 

Point #9: My mother's told me that she loves me but doesn't like me. I don't believe her when she says she's worried about me.

 

Point #10: I'm the scapegoat. I always have been. My sister's the golden child. Just as she was her mother's (my grandmother's) golden child.

 

Point #11: Did you read the parts of the letter? Is this what's happening? She's very envious of my figure too. She berated me for "walking around like I'm cute." She's envious she even told her friends and our family that I was anorexic.

 

Point #12: The only time my mother's apologized is for hitting me for eating ice cream for breakfast one morning when I was a little girl.

 

Point #18: She brags to her friends about what she buys me. She's bought me books on manners and depression.

 

Point #22: When my father died she explained to me that his death was harder for her because she lost her husband. I "just lost my father."

 

...perhaps you have more of the picture now?

 

---

 

Is undermining romantic relationships is another bullet point on the list?

 

---

 

My mother's concerns about my boyfriend are unfounded. He's very laid back. He's very patient. If anything, I can be controlling and abusive. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...)

 

Most of her letter is full of untruths! I simply believe I'm too independent-minded for her tastes. I was considered to be a boring "good kid." I graduated at the top of my class in high school. I went on to attend one of the best colleges in the country. It was not the best fit for me though. (My mom suggested the college. I mostly did what my mother told me in high school.) I finished in the fall instead of the spring of my intended graduation year-four months later. She likes to think I took longer to be closer to my bf, use her for her money, etc. My sister's taking a year more to finish college and my mother doesn't mind perhaps because my sister is following in her professional footsteps.

 

My mother has few friends. She's successful professionally and financially well-off. She often treats people disrespectfully. She feels justified because "she's in charge." How do I begin to have a conversation with her regarding calling my bf and this letter?

 

Thank you in advance!

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Your mother sounds like my ex sister in law. However, with that being said, I do believe there is some concern for you under there. let's be honest. If you move to another state to take some classes with no clear plan - and if you really have never lived awhile on your own - life gets in the way. She may perceive that you will put the whole focus on your boyfriend and never finish or follow through. I have been there. took a job somewhere to be with a boyfriend and I never ended up taking classes. had to pay rent. (didn't live with him at first) and it was a lot harder than I initially thought - plus distractions.

 

I would say if you feel you are abusive to your boyfriend -get help now before it spirals out of control.

 

I know you want to say how bad your mothter is but you are the one who is here, so to speak, and you are the only one you can control - so before you move - really deal with this stuff. It may seem to you that all concerns are unfounded considering the source but there are somethings that are not 100% out of whack.

 

So come up with a real plan. Do you have money set aside to pay for classes? Where will you take them? When you move are you living with your boyfriend or living nearby to let the relationship grow? What is the plan if something happens between you - will you move back? Stuff to consider

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All of my friends think very highly of my bf. They always describe him as a "keeper." They keep asking about when we'll get married. I don't want to get married and start a family until I'm well on my way in some profession. I'm working and soul searching at the moment.

 

I stopped school when I graduated from college. She's always wanted me to be a lawyer. She thinks I'm not in law school because I'm "distracted by a man."

 

If we're engaged by the time I plan moving (about half a year from now), I want to live together. If we're not engaged, I'm not moving!

 

I TOTALLY understand that parents can often see what we can't! I don't feel that my mom is one of those parents. She's absolutely right that I don't listen to or trust her. I'm just wondering why she's surprised... At 12, she accused me of trying to "seduce" a man she began dating shortly after my father died. After he broke their engagement she opened up about their relationship-way too much. She would tell us about how he would "go down on her." I always knew something was wrong with my mother... Another man she dated sexually harassed me. I told her and she didn't believe me or care.

 

I've felt on my own since my father died. For her to say that she's (and my sister) my mental and emotional support confuses and amuses me!

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I have about half a year to come up with a plan. I have money set aside for living expenses, courses, etc. I'm taking courses to prepare for a graduate/professional program-haven't settled on what yet. I'll take them at a nearby college. I'm not moving if we're not engaged. If something happens between us I may or may not move back.

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I have about half a year to come up with a plan. I have money set aside for living expenses, courses, etc. I'm taking courses to prepare for a graduate/professional program-haven't settled on what yet. I'll take them at a nearby college. I'm not moving if we're not engaged. If something happens between us I may or may not move back.

 

By the way, I'm living on my own, taking courses, and working now. I have experience! I hate this situation. I'm working my hardest to get into a program as soon as possible!!!

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I think that you should consider distancing yourself from your mother.

 

Don't worry about trying to diagnose whether she is narcissistic or not. It really doesn't matter what she is other than the fact that she is destructive to you. Her personality problems are for her to deal with as the consequences of them mean that people distance themselves from her and she becomes lonely and even more embittered.

 

But you must look out for your own best interests first. Even if you wanted to help your mother with her issues, you could not do so since you are one of the targets of her destructive personality.

 

You do not have to defend your decisions about your life and future, your education, career and your relationship to anyone on here or even to your mother. You are an adult and have made your own decisions based on what you think is best for you. So long as you are reasonably sure they are the right choices then go ahead and implement your plans and let your mother deal with them whether she approves or not.

 

if she continues being a destructive person in your life then you may have to decide to tell her that her behaviour must change toward you or you will be forced to remove her from your life.

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The comment of her "exposing you" to your bf and about what he could see in you is so disturbing.

 

Your mom sounds similar to many females in my family. Nobody sees anything wrong, they come accross as reasonable but there's something that doesn't fit in that makes other people question their own sanity.

 

Thank her for for being concerned, let her know you will be cautious and do the same if it happens again. Don't mention that she is right or wrong.

If you try to make her see how terrible are her actions you are only going to open the door to her. By saying: "I read your mail", there's nothing else she could tell you or do to you, she can't attack you if she thinks you agree with her.

 

Ask your bf to change his number and keep your distance from her. I know it's hard not having the same mother your sister has but you can still live your life happily.

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I know isn't it?

 

Well, it's been a couple of days since she sent the email. She emailed me again and called me today. She told me that "I'm the child." She said that she could "say anything she wants." She also told me that "I am her." (This is textbook NPD!) She told me that our conversation was going nowhere and that I should call when I'm in a better mood. Basically, I should call her when I agree with her-which will be never. Any other suggestions for talking to her? ](*,)

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The comment of her "exposing you" to your bf and about what he could see in you is so disturbing.

 

Man a LOT of what she said to you is disturbing. I don't know if you mother has your best interest in mind to any degree, but her putdowns and dominance of you would make me look sideways at anything coming out of her blasted mouth. No mother is supposed to talk to their child like that. And the fact that she is able to wrap it in a cocoon of "concern" or "common sense" makes it all the more dangerous as far as I'm concerned.

 

Also your mom seems to think of herself as some kind of martyr. Poor her to have to deal with all the stresses of you children. She seems to live her life to tell people " I told you so" and there is a bitterness about her predictions, almost as if she HOPES bad things will happen just so she can gloat. Its pretty terrible

 

I totally agree with DN that you may want to consider distancing yourself from her. But I disagree with him in that I think it may be important ( at some point in your life) to know why she behaves as she does. It's easier to let things go when you can sympathize or know for sure that you are not the cause and there is nothing you can do to make the situation better.

 

Your mom is ghastly.

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MakestheBest said it perfectly. I believe your mom wants to be a martyr and does bad things hiding behind the excuse that she's doing it for your own good. My mother sometimes does that too. And just like yours she will tell me she loves me, but I can never believe it because her actions say something completely different.

 

As for the day she called you, I still think your best option would be to remain silent and admit that you are listening, then go and do the opposite of what she says.

The more you try to get your point of view accross the more she will want to keep interfering, but if she thinks there's no need to keep invading your life you can distance yourself peacefully.

 

Put it this way, one day your mom says you can only wear certain things for work, instead of trying to make her understand how inappropriate that would be you say 'I'll look into it', you're not saying you will, you are saying something that could mean many different things but will give her the impression that she's in control. Because she won't be seeing what you wear you just take whatever you like and won't care if she believes that she's controlling you because in reality and in your every day life she isn't.

 

You can't fight with a mother that has a martyr complex, all fights will be lost because it's a fight what they want the most so they can go on and on about how rude you are for not following their advice, about how desperate they are to try to save and protect you, etc. Each word of disagreement is a 'mistake you make that hurts them deeply'.

Try it once and see how it goes, remain quiet or neutral, wait until she calls you and make excuses that will make it impossible to her to become the victim or your saviour (like, you were very ill), and if or when she finds out you didn't do what she told you just pretend it's no big deal and that something made you change your mind at the last second, then change the subject.

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I think DN and Makesthebest hit it right. I also have a mom who can probably be characterized as narcissistic (according to that website), but her immature and disrespectful behavior towards me living at home after graduating college and working had driven me to move out and live away from her despite all of her "good" intentions (rather, I've realized they are just selfish intentions for her own wants).

 

Like the advice given, don't fight back, just ignore her until you find a way to remove yourself from her. Fights are a waste of energy.

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Wow! They NEED to teach psychology in schools because so many people are ignorant regarding all aspects of psychology. Your mother is clearly a narcissist. She does not respect your boundaries! Classic behavior of a narcissist and very damaging behavior for the child. She felt entitled to cross your boundaries and tell you what to do and even call your boyfriend! A healthy person would ask your permission to give you some unsolicited advice and if you agreed would tell you why they are concerned and then let you decide what to do because it is your life!! You need to make your own decisions to be a healthy individual and if you make mistakes that means you are a growing, evolving human being so learn and move on! Everyone is allowed to make mistakes. I am not saying what you are doing is a mistake, I am simply saying if it doesn't turn out perfect you did what you wanted and that is what you should do. You mother does not respect your boundaries, she is manipulating you with anger and trying to control you and she is not giving your unconditional love, support or encouragement. I am disgusted that so many readers could not see this. She is a classic narcissist and I am proud of you for seeing it. Keep educating yourself on adult children of narcissistic mothers, it will help you to live a healthier life b/c I am sure this woman has caused you emotional damage. God Bless you sweetie

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