Why does he look at porn?

[cuddlybear]

I hear it and understand that men just are more visual. It's about a fantasy. But another very annoying part of me just does not understand why guys do that if they are happy with who they have at home?

[Rangafro]

He lied to her. He was straight up dishonest to her. Then he tried to hide it. This small action alone can break relationships and cause partners to become insecure with each other. Honestly... Why is porn to be blamed here? He led you on at the beginning to make you believe that he's not into it... and then BAM! He's caught twice. That's enough to make you question his integrity

 

Bingo. I don't think people who are uncomfortable about their partners watching porn can be entirely faulted here. When someone hides it from their partners it gives them cause to fear it. The mindset is if you're hiding it from me you must think it is the wrong thing to do. It ends up being self-confirming. I think a lot of men set themselves up for failure by not being honest and a bit nonchalant about it.

 

I hear it and understand that men just are more visual. It's about a fantasy. But another very annoying part of me just does not understand why guys do that if they are happy with who they have at home?

 

Because they can? I don't know, I feel that is a bit like asking why people want have more than one child if they are already happy with their first. It doesn't have to mean they undervalue them.

[greywolf]

I have two thoughts about this. Yes, I absolutely agree he should have been honest about it. Relationships should be open and honest. However, have you ever given him a reason to feel like he can't be honest about things? I'm not saying that it's your fault, but it might be something to think about.

[Nixee]

I do know that he would like to have sex more often, but I get bored a lot of the times. I don't know how to tell him I'm bored or I feel like if we are doing something its more about him. He doesn't pay attention to my needs.

We have talked. I expressed how I feel unnoticed and unappreciated as a woman. It's funny he didn't see it that way. He said he gives me a "look" lol. crazy. That's supposed to tell me he still finds me attractive. I'm hoping that if he is more honest and expressive towards me, it will make me feel less insecure about this whole porn business. Still the one image I cannot shake from my head is the video of that woman. Why would he like to look at a less attractive woman? Am I just being shallow?

 

It sounds like it is to the point that mostly the issue is that you need to talk to him about two big things - YOUR needs and HIS needs. The reason I bring up his needs as well, is that undoubtedly, as soon as you talk to him about what you are needing (and you should!), he may start to feel defensive about what has been happening. After all, it kinda already seems that way with him hiding the porn and password protecting his computer.

 

So why not try to tell him just how you've been feeling - that you crave more sex, more attention, more communication, more whatever between you...but also try to be understanding of his side?

 

As for a less attractive woman... what you really need to understand is that he is WITH you. Doesn't matter what he looks at. Temporarily. Just for a fleeting fantasy. It doesn't really mean it is his ideal. Men do this sometimes, and I don't get it either.... (look at Tiger Woods for a worst case example In that moment, it generally isn't about an ideal mate... it is about raw sexuality...sometimes even with a less than ideal mate.

[hexaemeron]

I hear it and understand that men just are more visual. It's about a fantasy. But another very annoying part of me just does not understand why guys do that if they are happy with who they have at home?

 

Do you eat bran flakes every morning, even though you love it? Or do you sometimes have oatmeal, or eggs, or cereal?

[TheDudeUpstair]

all those excuses are the same i use to say to my ex. all i can say now is you should probably leave him alone with his wrist and some porn for a few months. then he'll hate it. thatll learn him.

when he comes back though, probably seek ways to introduce it to your relationship like everyone else said. Porn can be a great enhancer when you both are energised by it. When only one person is benefiting from it, it just seems a little selfish

[hexaemeron]

all those excuses are the same i use to say to my ex. all i can say now is you should probably leave him alone with his wrist and some porn for a few months. then he'll hate it. thatll learn him.

when he comes back though, probably seek ways to introduce it to your relationship like everyone else said. Porn can be a great enhancer when you both are energised by it. When only one person is benefiting from it, it just seems a little selfish

 

See, this sounds nice and all... but porn is what I want when I don't want to have to WORRY about looking/smelling good or pleasing someone else.

 

Life is demanding and there are times I just want to get off without any additionally demands placed upon me.

[girlfriday]

Honestly it has nothing to do with you. I am a woman but I sort of see it the way men do. Porn is simply allowing yourself to look at other women who are different than what he sees everyday. Not to say he bored with you or needs variety but it's an experience that men (most men) go through. Sometimes imperfections make someone intriguing. My bf has a weird thing for girls with imperfections too.

[cazmoore]

You know what, sometimes I'll catch myself watching porn with really ugly men in it and they're that disgusting it kinda intrigues me.... I would never in my life in a million years sleep with an old man with a funny bum but sometimes I find myself watching weird porn like that. Maybe for him it's just like watching normal every day women having sex. It's probably just curiosity, just like why I caught myself watching that ugly old fart.

 

Sometimes people like what disgusts them

[Kumatora]

However I do still think porn is something to be talked about and understood here because the REASON for his "lie" is something I like the OP will need to understand.

That's I why I suggested better communication and to reach a compromise. That will eliminate most of the OP's insecurities.

 

It is possible that when she asked him about porn in the beginning, he truly wasn't as interested.... or he wanted to downplay his interest in order to highlight his growing fondness for her.

I think you misunderstood. It's the fact he LIED to her. It shouldn't have to matter WHEN the porn viewing started taking place (in fact you'd drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out). Him being caught the first time, ok. But the second time? There's a serious communication problem in the relationship.

 

Somehow, I have a strong feeling that he knew she would disapprove of porn. He lied to make her feel better.

That still doesn't excuse him from being dishonest. Sorry. If that's the case then there is a LOT of insecurity issues that need to be worked out from BOTH ends.

 

I do know that he would like to have sex more often, but I get bored a lot of the times. I don't know how to tell him I'm bored or I feel like if we are doing something its more about him. He doesn't pay attention to my needs.

We have talked. I expressed how I feel unnoticed and unappreciated as a woman.

They why are you not communicating these issues with your partner? If he loves you, then you both would find a way to work it out. You both need to start being honest with each other or the relationship will not work out. You need to be honest with your own feelings and with him. Vice versa with the boyfriend. There are ways to approach a person with these concerns without placing blame. If he's not mature enough to see through these concerns and make an attempt to work them out... then you got a serious problem with the relationship.

[WomanWriter]

You know what, sometimes I'll catch myself watching porn with really ugly men in it and they're that disgusting it kinda intrigues me.... I would never in my life in a million years sleep with an old man with a funny bum but sometimes I find myself watching weird porn like that. Maybe for him it's just like watching normal every day women having sex. It's probably just curiosity, just like why I caught myself watching that ugly old fart.

 

Sometimes people like what disgusts them

 

It's funny, but this makes sense. I've seen some really ugly guys that have turned me on sexually, but not visually. It's kinda erotic or something.

 

I also notice that out of all the women (from pics I've seen) of my boyfriend's exs, I am the hottest (society would think so). It makes me wonder why he used to go out with homely, obese looking women when I am close to an average weight and have at least somewhat of an attractive figure and face, if I am honest. So it does surprise me. But maybe average or attractive women are boring and the ugly ones are erotic because they are different. It does make sense...

[G-Snap]

I think you misunderstood. It's the fact he LIED to her. It shouldn't have to matter WHEN the porn viewing started taking place (in fact you'd drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out). Him being caught the first time, ok. But the second time? There's a serious communication problem in the relationship.

 

 

That still doesn't excuse him from being dishonest. Sorry. If that's the case then there is a LOT of insecurity issues that need to be worked out from BOTH ends.

 

.

 

I don't think anyone meant to excuse the dishonesty, and no one is disregarding the fact that he lied. What is being said is we don't know how she is communicating this TO him. Some women get REALLY Frantic when they talk about this. If a guy who likes it sometimes has a g'f who flips out about it, he might be very 'afraid' to be honest.

 

Communication is great. But it IS a two way street. If she isn't communicating with him directly and without confrontation, and sorry to say without going into a tizzy over it, then she can expect to continue to get the same dishonest responses.

 

I do agree tho that there are likely insecurity issues on BOTH ends that need to be worked out. But a guy who watches occasional porn, IMO, might not be insecure. Sometimes a guy just likes to 'de-stress' and that is how they do it. Women often de-stress in different ways, and sometimes those ways are those the guy might not be crazy about but guys tend to be more forgiving in this sort of thing. Not all of them but as a whole percentage.

[confusedgurl]

Just wanted to say that is exactly how i feel, I can't believe at the same time, someone else is to. People tell me I'm super hot all the time, it got to the point where it makes me feel that I'm not really anything special and guys just want any girl. My boyfriend always says i'm the hottest girl and he's so attracted me but it makes me feel like he has to say that. We have been common law for almost 5 years, I recently went through a health issue that affected our sex life for over a year, it's taking a while to get back into the habit of it again. I new he watched porn but I got over it to... until a couple of weeks ago when I found out my computer was still storing records of deleted downloads. I wasn't snooping, I happened upon it and I had to check them out. Old Women What?? I'm so confused, why would he like them. I was so disgusted, I've been so hurt every since and have 0 confidence, I know it's ridiculous but I can't help it. He went away for a few days so I decided to check out some porn on the TV to help me feel better I guess. I thought the people were so ugly and disgusting, but was very turned on none the less. I realized that even though I'm not interested in them, it doesn't matter because I still enjoyed it. I masturbate all the time but consider it different because I don't use visual aid, alas, I still do not feel better.

 

Knowing that you feel the same way I do and seeing a few of the posts made me feel better, for now.

 

just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Daffodeal]

My husband was sexually abused as a child and uses porn or phone sex instead of having sex with me. (It's been 3 years people) He was Mr. Sex Man until we got married and it all changed our honeymoon night. I don't like porn or agree with it in a marriage at all. I was sexually molestes as well as a young teen and young girl, and each of the molesters had a huge amount of porn. I believe it makes you dull to what you are seeing, so you seek more and more of it. I looked at it to see what the big deal was, and of course it gets you excited - people are having sex! But watching porn phone sex text sex etc is in reality cheating....your expending your sexually energy on others instead of on your partner.

[hexaemeron]

My husband was sexually abused as a child and uses porn or phone sex instead of having sex with me. (It's been 3 years people) He was Mr. Sex Man until we got married and it all changed our honeymoon night. I don't like porn or agree with it in a marriage at all. I was sexually molestes as well as a young teen and young girl, and each of the molesters had a huge amount of porn. I believe it makes you dull to what you are seeing, so you seek more and more of it. I looked at it to see what the big deal was, and of course it gets you excited - people are having sex! But watching porn phone sex text sex etc is in reality cheating....your expending your sexually energy on others instead of on your partner.

 

Respectfully, I have to disagree. Molestors breathe oxygen too. Should we forgo oxygen because molestirs breathe it too?

[G-Snap]

Respectfully, I have to disagree. Molestors breathe oxygen too. Should we forgo oxygen because molestirs breathe it too?

 

I agree. We can't really mandate what our partners do based on loosely based coincendences like this. I feel for anyone who was ever molested but every man who has watched porn doesn't have it in him to be a molester or has ever done such a horrible thing. And people forget there are varying levels of porn usage ranging from the very mild observer to the full blown addict.

[Unknown1607307972]

:S This thread concerns me, I always thought porn was for many men a mere visual aid. Not that they are lusting over the exact girl they are looking at necesserily, but watching sexual acts works to get them in the mood. An attractive girl is good simply because an unattractive girl (in the eyes of the guy watching) would be distracting and therefore a turn off.

 

Now I am worried though I'm scared whether to trust my boyfriend or not, because he said he completley agrees with that, hell even promised me (I didn't sit there and moan about it but I was teasing him about his porn in a light hearted way which is how it came up) and he's a very honest person. Harmless attraction towards other females is normal, I don't care because I find other men attractive too. I would however feel extremely uncomfortable if a guy I am with fantasising about other women during sexual acts. To me I'd feel like telling him "why don't you just go out and f**k them then? You're mentally doing it already".

[G-Snap]

I do not believe the average healthy male is fantasizing about porn chicks while having sex with his girlfriend or wife. Just because they have a healthy level of sexual appetite and might enjoy 'viewing' on occasion doesn't mean they would rather think about that when they are having sexual relations with the woman they love. I am sure YOUR body and YOUR essence is what he is soaking up when you two are having sex or are together.

 

I don't think you should get paranoid over this thread and worry about anything.

[ReadyorNot]

I've been with my husband for 10 years. Married for 4. We have a 2 year old little girl.

 

When we met my husband told me he wasn't into porn like other guys. He enjoyed cars.

 

1 or 2 years later I found porn. It was mostly the lying that upset me. I don't know if it was the lying or what but I have a huge problem with him looking at porn.

He tells me he won't cause it hurts me. He adds in how he doesn't understand why it hurts me because its just porn! He still looks. Its few and far between but no matter how much he promises he still looks.

 

I don't know what to say to you cause I still can't deal with it. Its not a good feeling. I wish I could see its just porn.

[halfie]

In this day and age, and whats enforced upon males as they grew up these days is that if you watch porn its simply okay, its like eating food to them, something normal to do.

 

Its a kind of sub-culture that boys grow up with knowing that its 'Cool' to look at porn and eventually turns into a habit. He wont give sex up with you so he could watch porn now would he? He watches it because sometimes you cant give him sex, maybe when your not there with him and he wants something to get his load off..

 

My girlfriend has minor problems with me watching porn because our dirty -.- generation kinda grew up knowing that porn was going to be inevitable even though it could come off as morally wrong, it probably is but who knows, if you watched it with him you might just be able to get off too.

And if the problem persist give him some of his own medicine, set him up to catch you indulging yourself to porn, catch him off guard and maybe then he'll realise what hes doing to you and make sure to tell him afterwards that you DIDINT enjoy it and you find it sickening to watch porn =) Hope this helped.

[ibu]

I'm female and I watch porn myself, so I'm certainly not going to stop a partner from watching it. I don't mind it one bit. I've had a man watch porn while I was in the room, he didn't need to do it secretively. Mostly I just feel curious about what kind of porn he watches, because obviously we have different preferences.

 

Like some other users have pointed out, it becomes a problem when your partner doesn't do anything BUT look at porn, but otherwise I see it as just a normal part of a relationship. It's not sickening at all. I don't think about porn stars when I have sex with an SO. I'm not really looking or comparing. I just use porn when I masturbate because it just turns me on more, and I reckon it's the same for men.

 

But I understand everyone has different views, so I think it's most important to talk about it with your partner and see if you can compromise if you think it's a problem.

[G-Snap]

I bet the more a woman hates her guy watching porn and the more she prohibits it, the more satisfying it becomes to him to rub one out to it. It becomes more forbidden and they probably like it even more.

 

Funny how life works sometimes.