Why does he look at porn?

[cuddlybear]

I am a 25 y/o female. I have been with my boyfriend since high school (8 years). I know my bf loves me, we plan to get married as soon as we are financially stable. But I am afraid we won't make it there because I have a huge problem with him watching porn.

In our earlier years he always said he was not interested in porn because he'd rather have the real thing. About 3 years ago I discovered a huge collection of porn on his computer, which hurt me profusely. There were a lot of young girls and women that had the features he claimed not to like. The lying was what hurt me the most. If he could keep that from me, what else could he do? Anyways I pushed it aside and we went on. Now again I found porn. Now it is older women which are significantly less attractive than me (I know I am an attractive woman). That really confuses me. Why would he want to look at that when he can look at me. I confronted him. He said he loves me and i remain beautiful to him every passing year. He says he loves the person that i am inside and out. And it has nothing to do with me. I find that very hard to believe. How can it have nothing to do with me?

He says men are just visual creatures and about the less attractive women he said "other men prefer to look at flawless bodies, he prefers it to be flawless'. Also, said he loves looking at different things. He does not have a set preference and the reason I don't see girls that resemble me is because he already has me and is satisfied with me. It is really tearing me apart. A part of me understands that it is a male thing but another just simply cannot understand why it is necessary and why I am not enough of a satisfaction. Please help me.

[shikashika]

Why don't you try looking at porn together? There is a lot of porn out there that women like as well.

 

I think it sums it up when you said, "Aren't I enough?"

 

It sounds like you desperately need him to be looking at you, only you, only thinking about you and i his mind strays or 2 seconds you will be devastated!

 

EVERYONE thinks another person is attractive even in a relationship.

 

There will be times guaranteed when your boyfriend will feel some sort o attraction to another one, whether she's in a magazine or a real live person. It's normal.

 

i think you just need to ind strategies to deal with them.

[bungalo]

Do you two live together? If so, he should knock it off. What women don't understand is porn for guys is fantasy, women seem to take it as

competition..this is not the case. However if you two live together and you've told him not to do it...I think he should comply out of respect for your feelings and the rel/ship.

[JohnTheMan]

I dont think this shows he is unsatisfied with you. I know many men in healthy relationships that still look ar porn. Maybe he has a higher sexual drive than you. As long as it does not cross the threshold of cheating. If in general it is a real big issue to you than let him know how badly it is affecting you. Being a male, I see where it is harmless. Guys like to get off. Some more than others. And often more than their female counter parts. The weird thing is females have their sexual drive increase after men tend to lower theirs... To me, I don't think you have anything to worry about simple porn... Maybe watch some with him and you can figure out why he watches it...

[Puddincup]

Men love porn. That's the answer. That's why he watches it. It's as simple as that.

 

When he says it has nothing to do with you, he's being honest. Biologically, men are wired to be with many women, but I think most men have evolved to the point that they are happy to be with one women. I mean truly happy. ...but....they still have urges that are biological, not emotional. He's not emotionally attached to the women in the movies. They are no replacement for a real woman. He acknowledges this and seems very happy to be with you.

 

I think it is a mistake if you insist that he not watch porn anymore. He will either try to suppress this part of him or he will watch it secretly. Both of these possibilities are not good. It is not good for someone to try to suppress or change their partner. You have a man who likes porn. That's the reality. He is like 95% of all of the men out there. If he is a good man in other respects, just lay off and let him watch his porn. Don't view those women as competition. View them as "your assistants".

[cazmoore]

It has nothing to do with you. Porn, and you, are not even the same thing. You know why he looks at porn? Because sometimes he wants to jerk off and watch something sexy. I love watching porn and I'm a woman. Women who attack their SO because they watch porn have confidence issues and for whatever reason, they can't separate the two. It is COMPLETELY unreasonable to think that he will NEVER find anything else in the world attractive, he'll never get a boner unless you're around... and it hasn't nothing to do with the 'visual creatures' thing. Well, maybe. Women are sensual creatures and I need a good rub down... I wonder if my SO would be okay with me getting a massage by a big, hot, sexy man? haha... And with the previous poster saying that they get 'urges', well, it's not restricted to one gender. I think saying men 'just do that' and because 'they're just wired that way' is a bunch of BS. Statistics have shown women cheat more than men do. It's still not right. Keep them urges in your pants and use your own hands.

 

I actually got ticked at my boyfriend the other week because he went to a strip club and DIDN'T tell me - he kept it from me because he thought I would get mad about it. I was mad at him that he felt he needed to keep something like that from me, when in fact I want to be able to feel as though we can share things like that together and not hide anything. It makes a relationship a lot easier. But man, don't label me as a girlfriend who will freak out on you like that. I like that we are both comfortable enough around each other that I can watch porn and he doesn't feel insecure about it and vise versa. Although, he has asked me if I think he's 'small' (and only after he's had a drink of some liquid courage). Trust me it goes both ways probably with the insecurity. I think women need to start embracing their sexuality and being a bit more liberal have fun.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have to look at the situation differently. You note in your post that youre comparing yourself to these women. That is the problem because you are not in competition with these women for anything. Your bf likes to look at porn, if you cannot handle that then you will either learn to have more realistic expectations of him or you will leave the relationship.

 

The porn that your bf is looking at is not hurting you, instead you have to realize that your bf likes to fantasize about other women. That is what he is using porn to accomplish. You can choose to accept that or not.

[norsewoman]

It has nothing to do with you. Porn, and you, are not even the same thing. You know why he looks at porn? Because sometimes he wants to jerk off and watch something sexy. I love watching porn and I'm a woman.

 

I feel the same way. I look at porn, read porn, etc. It doesn't mean I don't love or desire my partner. I don't think this is a big deal. It's only a big deal if porn is the only thing he desires, and he cuts you off sexually.

[fantastic]

Regardless of whether you can convince him to stop watching porn or not. When he masturbates he will fantasize about other women.

 

That's something you will have to accept and if you can't, then may I suggest you have a relationship with an asexual.

[cazmoore]

I feel the same way. I look at porn, read porn, etc. It doesn't mean I don't love or desire my partner. I don't think this is a big deal. It's only a big deal if porn is the only thing he desires, and he cuts you off sexually.

 

Exactly. It's just something I enjoy doing when I'm bored, and sometimes the whole act of sex can take too long to get me worked up. (but I still love sex, that's not a question)

 

Watching porn, I can select what I want, imagine some stupid fantasy and I can get myself off at my own leisure... There's no big mess to clean up, no-one has to sleep in the wet spot. Ya know?! hahaha..

[hexaemeron]

Why aren't you upset when he watches television or movies with attractive women or sexual situations or magazines?

[Blue Skittles]

Every guy I've dated has watched/read porn. Even the super religious ones. Just some are better at hiding it than others.

 

I used to get really upset by it too, until I found out - this is every single guy out there (well almost). and theres no point trying to fight it.

 

I actually had a really good convo with my bf about it one time where he told me how often, and why and all that. It was actually quite interesting to find out how men are wired. lol.

[Puddincup]

Every guy I've dated has watched/read porn. Even the super religious ones. Just some are better at hiding it than others.

 

I used to get really upset by it too, until I found out - this is every single guy out there (well almost). and theres no point trying to fight it.

 

I actually had a really good convo with my bf about it one time where he told me how often, and why and all that. It was actually quite interesting to find out how men are wired. lol.

 

I agree that some are just better at hiding it. My last boyfriend was an intellectual, kinda snobby but he had a huge stash of porn. He never admitted it to anyone before me but when he saw that I didn't care, he could finally let out a sigh of relief and enjoy that part of himself without shame. I am never surprised to learn someone you would never think would be into porn actually likes it...a lot! Hey we're sexual animals. Better to accept it than be a secret hypocrit.

 

Oh, and women like porn too of course. I like a little porn now and again, although not at the level of my boyfriends. They win that competition.

[G-Snap]

I've had a few long term relationships in my life. One didn't really look at porn much, but on occasion if i was gone for awhile on a trip I knew he'd pop in a vid (back in VHS days). Then had another relationship with a guy who would look at it nonstop whenever i was out of the house. I knew, i could see it in the history - he didn't hide it and made it clear before we got together he enjoyed it. The porn didn't bother me, the verocity in which he viewed it did because if he was off for the day for example, and i was at work, i could see he viewed it almost ALL day. It wasn't as much the porn as it was the lack of any ambition to do anything more with his day then sit at the PC with his pants off all day and play with himself. That is what disturbed me more than the images he viewed. Then there is the current b/f (there were a few others in my past but not as longterm so I won't bring them up, didn't' know their habits as much) who really never looks at it at all. He thinks it is degrading to women and he doesn't get turned on by that. I know he'd get more turned on seeing a movie with a sexy woman in it who was more classy (he hasn't told me this, I can just tell by his personality). Porn doesn't bother me it is more the "way" it is viewed and used that does. I have no idea if that makes sense to the reader. The first ex - his occasional popping one off when I was on a trip but otherwise he adored me and our sex life was very ferocious - the porn didn't matter a bit. I'd get a slight bit of insecurity, but realized it wasn't anything to make a big deal of. The current b/f, I know he doesn't really view it at all except for maybe a minor peak here and there if he gets some spam email with a link - it is such a minor thing it doesn't even cause a slight insecurity. The ex that viewed it all day when I was gone, yea it bothered me. Nah, it kinda disgusted me is the word. And again, not really because it was porn but because his ambition levels seemed so grade school when he was a grown man. Looking at it all day long and not even bothering to get dressed or put a dish in the sink, it was the 'laziness' of it that probably appalled me the most.

 

The thing is, wrap your head around the fact that men like sexy images. They ALL have a different level of thirst for it. The goal here is to find a man whose proclivities are in line with what YOU can live with, and think long and hard about what you really can live with and just remain REASONABLE. IF you remain reasonable and keep your head about you, and he still is doing things that don't sit well with you, then maybe he just isn't the one.

[G-Snap]

Why aren't you upset when he watches television or movies with attractive women or sexual situations or magazines?

 

You make such a good point. This blows my mind about women (and yes I'm a woman but still). Men who NEVER look at porn - if they are sexual beings even a tiny bit they WILL get a rise sometimes - be it looking at Megan Fox half dressed in Transformers, or the bimbo draped accross a car on the Speed Channel - they are going to take in beauty and sexuality no matter if they are viewing triple X or not.

 

That is why like I said in my last post you have to get your head around what is REASONABLE and try not to fall apart over things that are going to be normal for most men.

 

A man can masturbate to an image of a woman he saw in starbucks sometimes as easy as he can a woman he saw in a porn flick so be careful of what you try to police. You can never police their 'mind'.

[Godless_Heathen]

Men who NEVER look at porn - if they are sexual beings even a tiny bit they WILL get a rise sometimes - be it looking at Megan Fox half dressed in Transformers,

This is me. I hate 99% of the porn I've seen because it's too crude, too emotionally distancing in some way. My "porn" is a hot sex scene in a movie between two characters I've come to like. Now and then I've re-watched a section of a movie for this reason.

[Nixee]

I'm honestly more disturbed by the thought of dating a man who doesn't look at porn.

 

Seriously.

 

And this probably comes from my experience perhaps, and so I'll just put it out there like quite a few posters already have: men generally like porn. Men ARE visual. Your b/f isn't lying to you when he tells you this, and no... it really isn't about his relationship with you. Its about his relationship with his penis. The more you try to make it about you and throw emotions into it, the more you are going to grossly over-complicate things and do one of the things that pisses men off about women.

 

However, if you can try to watch it with him, be accepting of it, or just be generally more understanding of his needs and wants as a sexual male... he'll probably think even more highly of you.

 

You said you two have been together since high school.. (25 - 8 years... so.. since 17?) ... I'm guessing you may have been each other's firsts? Without much other experience - sexually for him, or relationship-wise for you - it is natural that this would be a bone of contention. What you may need to start to realize is that just because he feels a physical or sexual attraction for someone else - it has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship. The time may even come (or may have already) that you feel attraction to other men - celebrities, guys you know, guys you pass on the street.... how is this really so different? He is not cheating on you with these women. He is merely entertaining momentary fantasy, which we are all capable of.

[JusticeLaw9]

Some very thoroughly written thoughts on this subject.

[G-Snap]

This is me. I hate 99% of the porn I've seen because it's too crude, too emotionally distancing in some way. My "porn" is a hot sex scene in a movie between two characters I've come to like. Now and then I've re-watched a section of a movie for this reason.

 

Yea I think a lot of g/f's don't consider this factor. They think if he doesn't look at porn there is never a moment's thought about fantasy. It just doesn't work like that for most. And it's normal. Nothing to get in a tizzy over.

[Kumatora]

First off, I want to argue that porn isn't the problem here. The problem of this whole thread is this:

 

In our earlier years he always said he was not interested in porn because he'd rather have the real thing. About 3 years ago I discovered a huge collection of porn on his computer, which hurt me profusely. There were a lot of young girls and women that had the features he claimed not to like. The lying was what hurt me the most. If he could keep that from me, what else could he do?

He lied to her. He was straight up dishonest to her. Then he tried to hide it. This small action alone can break relationships and cause partners to become insecure with each other. Honestly... Why is porn to be blamed here? He led you on at the beginning to make you believe that he's not into it... and then BAM! He's caught twice. That's enough to make you question his integrity.

 

OP, I do not blame your feels at all on this for feeling a slight mistrust. Please understand that it isn't the PORN that's causing the problem... it's because he was not honest with you and he is hiding this. You have every right to feel suspicious and "rejected" because his actions caused it, not the porn. If he told you from the beginning that he does look at porn occasionally but it does not change your view about you, would you think differently on the issue then you do now?

 

You can tell him to stop viewing porn, but the chances are he not going to comply. This is one of the things most men try to hide from their partners because they don't want to hurt their relationships and hurt their loved ones. You can look at this issue one way and see it that he was trying to protect your relationship by not offending you... but being dishonest and later caught with it is a different story.

 

You both need to communicate with each other better and reach an understanding of what is hurting your relationship right now. There needs to be a compromise on this issue or this relationship is going to run into severe problems.

[G-Snap]

I agree that the lying is a big part of the issue. He should have been honest. But so many men are terrified to tell their girls that they might look at it...not giving them a way out, but most are too afraid to say it if the g/f is the type to flip out. Not sure if the OP is like that or not, but some women will really FLIP over this issue and men are afraid to man up to it.

[Nixee]

First off, I want to argue that porn isn't the problem here. The problem of this whole thread is this:

 

 

He lied to her. He was straight up dishonest to her. Then he tried to hide it. This small action alone can break relationships and cause partners to become insecure with each other.

 

This is an interesting and important point, especially about why I think the OP may be hurting... and that they need to communicate.

 

However I do still think porn is something to be talked about and understood here because the REASON for his "lie" is something I like the OP will need to understand. In the early years of this relationship, it sounds like the two were teenagers. It has been a while since I was a teenager, or with a teenaged male, but I certainly can remember one or two of them saying things similar to that to me. Getting the "real thing" was always preferable to porn naturally... because time spent with porn had been all many of them had had for so long. Additionally, in the early stages of a relationship....things are much newer and more exciting. The high of the honeymoon stage is not worn off. It is possible that when she asked him about porn in the beginning, he truly wasn't as interested.... or he wanted to downplay his interest in order to highlight his growing fondness for her.

 

This is just my guess though. Whatever his real feelings or reasons, I would simply suggest that the OP talk to him and try not to judge him so harshly as being a liar or being dishonest. To me it simply sounds like he has tried to hide something that he has been into more recently, probably because she let on years ago that she didn't approve of it and therefore he felt he HAD to hide it. The best way out of it would be to talk openly and without accusation.

[norsewoman]

First off, I want to argue that porn isn't the problem here. The problem of this whole thread is this:

He lied to her. He was straight up dishonest to her. Then he tried to hide it.

 

Somehow, I have a strong feeling that he knew she would disapprove of porn. He lied to make her feel better. I don't approve of lying, but I suspect that she had some strong feelings about porn. Why would the topic even come up? There's really nothing wrong with it.

[G-Snap]

Somehow, I have a strong feeling that he knew she would disapprove of porn. He lied to make her feel better. I don't approve of lying, but I suspect that she had some strong feelings about porn. Why would the topic even come up? There's really nothing wrong with it.

 

Beautifully put. I agree.

[cuddlybear]

Thank you everybody. Your comments have been very helpful. I do feel like it has a lot to do with the lying, but I do realize why he chose to hide it from me. In all honesty I would have reacted badly, as I am now. It does not change the fact that he lied. I can't stand the feeling that he is keeping things from me, even if it is porn. I want an open and honest relationship. Its to the point where he shuts down his computer if hes not in the room and had a password. He says its because im just going to look at it and be upset when I shouldn't be. I see that, but I am trying to make him see that that only causes more problems. I don't want to feel him, hiding things from me. I said it will take time, but I think eventually I will be ok with it.

What Nixee said about it him being young so he really wasn't into porn, makes a lot of sense to me. I do believe that must have the case and of course we both have grown since then and things/people change. I don't want to make him stop watching porn, I realize that is unrealistic. I have tried watching porn and it is actually arousing to me. I would like to watch it with him maybe it can spicen things up. But I am afraid of what this might do to our relationship. It would be a huge encouragement for him to watch porn. I do not want it to get addicting/out of control. I hear that is the case with a lot of guys.

I do know that he would like to have sex more often, but I get bored a lot of the times. I don't know how to tell him I'm bored or I feel like if we are doing something its more about him. He doesn't pay attention to my needs.

We have talked. I expressed how I feel unnoticed and unappreciated as a woman. It's funny he didn't see it that way. He said he gives me a "look" lol. crazy. That's supposed to tell me he still finds me attractive. I'm hoping that if he is more honest and expressive towards me, it will make me feel less insecure about this whole porn business. Still the one image I cannot shake from my head is the video of that woman. Why would he like to look at a less attractive woman? Am I just being shallow?