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newwave

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This part keeps bugging me about the guy I like. He's doing the exact thing I did to him years ago. Years ago we were friends and I played hard to get so to speak. I'd tell him I just wanted to be friends, I didn't want a relationship, etc. In reality I was still hurting over a relationship (I met him when I was moving out of my emotionally abusive boyfriend). However I did like him and got scared when he tried to get close. I'd start arguments and just be mean. Now the tables are turned. He's doing the same thing to me. He's still hurting over a relationship that ended terribly (he met someone online, got engaged without meeting them, moved to another state, then broke up within 6 months). It's deja vu and now I feel bad for what I did to him.

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you basically answered your own question

 

he keeping that distance like you did when you got hurt

 

I don't think he playing games,he just don't want to get hurt again

 

it's just like getting burned,you going to make sure the next time you keep your distance away from the fire

 

playing it safe

 

just give him time

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Yeah, he's scared because he's been burnt many times. Once when he was younger (he said he'll tell me more later), then me being a brat to him (he even admitted that he was still a little scared of me being mean and is a little scared I'll use him). Then this last one who used him for money and once he saw she was only for the money, he came back home. That's why many people say to ditch him I can't because I like him too much.

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One of the things I've observed about relationships is that the distance between the two people involved stays the same. We can all play the roles of distancer and pursuer, and when one starts to distance, the other will pursue and vice versa.

 

Actually closing that gap - even a little bit - takes a lot of hard work, trust and willingness on both sides. Don't feel bad for what you did to him - you were doing your best at the time, given how you were feeling - but it will give you a really good insight into how things are for him, that it's fear which is causing him to back off, and not to push things too quickly for him.

 

Hope it all works out for you!

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You're right, fear is what's causing him to back away. He's one of the "nice" guys who's been used often. That's why he'll accuse me of things like trying to get pregnant so he'll have to marry me (he said this is why he doesn't want to sleep with me yet). I have to learn his trust and he has to see I want him because I like him.

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