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A bit confused about my sexuality :(


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Hello, fellow eNA folks. I want to apologize in advance for this being so long. But yeah, I seem to always have some sort of "problem" to post about on here. But I think of them all, I really need advice/opinions on this one here... anything would be very much appreciated. Basically, it's what the title says: I'm confused about my sexuality. I think I could be bisexual, but I'm not sure...

 

I will be 21 next month, and I have only ever been with men; however, I have been physically attracted to women for several years now. I have had female crushes before - I remember my first was back in 6th grade, when I was about 12 years old. I didn't think anything of these though, and I guess I denied that they were crushes at the time.

 

Why did I deny? Honestly, I think if I were to admit it (even to just myself), I would be in a load of trouble. My family is full of super-ultra Conservatives. They dislike gays/bisexuals. They are constantly putting them down, and when I try to stand up and say something along the lines of "love is love, whether heterosexual or homosexual" then I get my ass chewed out. My parents/grandparents told us kids that if they were to ever find out we were gay/bisexual, they wouldn't accept it - nor would they allow the 'partner' to be anywhere near the household and stuff. And yes, they have been this way my entire life... So I think that may be a big reason why, if I am, that I always felt the need to deny it.

 

So what has brought me here today, curious about this? I've recently fallen hard for somebody - a female. It's very hard for me to admit this to myself, but I feel I have to. She is the first female I have thought about in this way. I feel like I'm back in grade-school again, when I got those little crushes on boys and my heart would be racing at 100mph, thinking I was "oh so in love with him" and stuff. Like, I want to be with her... and this time it's not all in my head - it's in my heart as well.

 

As of right now, I'm seriously torn though. I don't know what I am. Could I be? Could I have been all these years - since first being attracted to women - but just didn't want to admit it? What about my family? They would hate me; they would disown me...

 

 

If I had to put my feelings towards men and women down, I would say...

 

Sexual attraction Men

Physical, Mental, Emotional attraction Women (but since falling for this girl I'm speaking of right now, I can say that I have now had sexual thoughts/attraction about a woman...)

 

Anything... Thank you.

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How badly do you feel about your family? Would it hurt more, do you think, to have little or no contact with them, or to not have contact with someone you could potentially love if you ended up in a relationship with them - because she's a girl.

 

I suppose what I'd initially suggest is - why not date this girl, or any other girl, and just see how it goes? If you're not sure, why not find out. You might have nothing to cause ructions in your family about after all. Alternatively, you might end up with someone who you love enough to have the courage to tell them 'this is me, take it or leave it'.

 

If there is no situation in which you could ever imagine life without contact with your family though, I'd think about whether to pursue this. There would be someone else involved - it would be cruel to get involved knowing that you could probably never have an open and public relationship in case your family found out.

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Sometimes that is the risk you have to take for love. While I am sure you would like to keep a strong link to your family, isn't your life about you? If you feel that you need to follow this feeling and explore your sexuality in this manner, is the only thing holding you back from that your parents? Perhaps they would disown you, do they have a history of disowning their other family members or are you speculating based on what has been said?

 

This is where you need to make a really hard decision, will you go through life trying to keep your parents' placated and not exploring who you really are, or will you follow your heart and suffer the potential consequences. If they ostracise you, they are losing a loved one too and they would have to deal with that. Perhaps they will be able to get past that, because you are their daughter.

 

Sometimes we have to step away from our parents approval, cut the apron strings and step out on our own. Is this your time? What does you heart tell you?

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It's very hard sometimes but at some point, you have to live for yourself. Parental expectations be damned. My father always talked badly about gay people when I was growing up and when I was 18 and came out to him, he openly wept, sitting on the bed in my college dorm room, apologizing up and down for ever making me feel like I couldn't be who I was or not being able to open up and come to him for advice.

 

It really messed him up pretty badly. So, while your parents SAY one thing, it's entirely possible that confronted with a real choice of losing their child or just loving you for who you are... well, a lot of parents talk tough until they realize their bs posturing is hurting their child.

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Thank you guys for your quick responses.

 

How badly do I feel about my family? Well, I love them. I have gotten through some rough times with their help - I don't know where I would be without them. The thing about it is, they see me as the 'perfect' child because I'm the only one that has gone to college, made decent enough grades, been responsible, never gotten involved in drugs or any other addictions, etc. If I were to come open with [what could be] the truth, then I would be a failure in their eyes.

 

My grandparents raised me. They're the ones I'm most concerned about. I don't care what my mom thinks, since I'm not close to her at all. I know she would disapprove of the matter, but her opinion doesn't bother me. My dad would hate the idea, and it would probably take him a while, but I think he would eventually accept it. But my grandparents and everybody else... I just don't see it happening.

 

It would be wrong of me to date someone and keep it a secret because of my family. I have made that mistake in the past. My family disapproved of interracial dating - and when I dated a black for several months, I kept it from them. It was the hardest thing, and I felt so bad doing it. I don't want to have to do something like that again.

 

My hearts telling me to tell this girl - see where things go. But... I don't know. I feel like I could literally break down and cry right now, with all this confusion and stress.

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I think you need to be true to yourself. It is your life and this is your only life (that we know of) so you need to live it in a way you feel free.

 

I think you came on here to confirm what you already know. It's ok to be gay or bisexual. You are what you are and you are perfectly acceptable no matter what you are. If your family doesn't accept gay/bi-sexual people, then they will not accept this part of you. It is their loss being so small minded. I am sure it hurts to think they won't accept you; however, I still think you need to be true to yourself. There are support groups who can help you figure this stuff out. You owe it to yourself to explore this further.

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Sexual attraction Men

Physical, Mental, Emotional attraction Women (but since falling for this girl I'm speaking of right now, I can say that I have now had sexual thoughts/attraction about a woman...)

 

Although I don't want to dismiss the fact that you very well might be bisexual, I do want to say that the above "breakdown" is very commonly stated by people who are in the beginning stages of accepting their homosexuality. The idea that we should find the opposite sex sexually attractive is forced down our throats for so long, all throughout our childhood even, and sometimes we convince ourselves that it's there--even though our whole being (mental/physical) tugs us in a different direction.

 

Sexual attraction is usually born out of physical/mental/emotional attraction. The fact that you find this attraction in women suggests to me that is where your sexuality really lies, and that's where you'll likely find your happiness too. Even if your parents/grandparents don't accept that you need to do what is best for you. You're living your life, not theirs, and vice versa.

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Although I don't want to dismiss the fact that you very well might be bisexual, I do want to say that the above "breakdown" is very commonly stated by people who are in the beginning stages of accepting their homosexuality. The idea that we should find the opposite sex sexually attractive is forced down our throats for so long, all throughout our childhood even, and sometimes we convince ourselves that it's there--even though our whole being (mental/physical) tugs us in a different direction.

 

 

Bingo......

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Although I don't want to dismiss the fact that you very well might be bisexual, I do want to say that the above "breakdown" is very commonly stated by people who are in the beginning stages of accepting their homosexuality. The idea that we should find the opposite sex sexually attractive is forced down our throats for so long, all throughout our childhood even, and sometimes we convince ourselves that it's there--even though our whole being (mental/physical) tugs us in a different direction.

 

Sexual attraction is usually born out of physical/mental/emotional attraction. The fact that you find this attraction in women suggests to me that is where your sexuality really lies, and that's where you'll likely find your happiness too. Even if your parents/grandparents don't accept that you need to do what is best for you. You're living your life, not theirs, and vice versa.

 

I'm not sure I'm fully understanding. Are you suggesting I could be solely into women, and women alone? It's fine if that's what you're suggesting, as I'm looking for any advice I can get - I'm just trying to clarify things.

 

I started thinking about things a few days ago, but I thought about them more in-depth last night, I guess. I was up all night because my mind was so cluttered with thoughts of confusion. Some things I've realized...

 

1. Most of the men I have dated have been somewhat feminine. I liked this about them, but at the same time I criticized them; I felt that if I was with a man, he should be more masculine than me - but it didn't seem to be the case with most of the men I dated.

2. I find it much easier to 'flirt' with women than men. I can/do flirt with men, yes, but it's not as "fun" I guess. It all feels kind of...boring? Maybe it's because I haven't found the right kind of men to flirt around with?

3. While I find it easier to flirt with women - I find that it's much easier to befriend men. The majority of my friends are men, and I honestly have no interest in any of them. I have a few female friends, but none of which I have any interest in either.

 

I don't know. I was talking to somebody from another forum I go to last night, and he was suggesting that I could be pansexual. Honestly though, what's the biggest difference between pan and bisexual? I know pan means "all" and bi means "two" - but how does that relate?

 

Thanks again everybody.

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I was talking to somebody from another forum I go to last night, and he was suggesting that I could be pansexual. Honestly though, what's the biggest difference between pan and bisexual? I know pan means "all" and bi means "two" - but how does that relate?

 

Bisexual is the sexual preference of both men and woman.

Pansexual is commonly referred to as 'gender blind', no prefence towards a persons gender or sexual identity.

 

Personally, I would say you sound more bisexual than pansexual. Although, that is just my opinion, and I only say it because everything you've said about your current orientations sounds very similar to how I first started coming to terms with my sexuality.

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