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Am I being unreasonable? Please share input.


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Hello,

 

My situation is explained below. I'm not sure if my reaction to this is out of line and I'd appreciate any feedback or input.

 

Last June, my boyfriend (he's 31, I'm 26) attended an industry-related conference. At the conference, his main priority was networking as he was a recent college grad and in the midst of a job search. I traveled with him; It was held in a city I hadn't visited since I was a small child and I was eager to explore the museums and such in the area while he did his thing. We had a nice time, he learned a lot and I enjoyed doing touristy things

 

While at the conference, he made a few contacts, but he seems to have become especially close to one young lady. He treated her to lunch after meeting, and based on the information he's shared with me, it sounds like she initially interpreted his actions as not being purely platonic (He says she sent him a message on FaceBook about how very surprised she was to see he was in a relationship). At first, I felt threatened by their relationship and the way she apparently interpreted his actions, but I didn't let it bother me because she lived in a different region of the country and my boyfriend assured me their relationship was only based on the fact they were both recent grads and looking for work in the same field. They have continued to stay in touch. Even now, they exchange text messages and e-mails frequently.

 

Since then, my boyfriend was able to find what his essentially his dream job in his field. We relocated to a new region for his work, and we're getting settled and mostly happy here. We're now much closer to his friend, and I understand she's suggested they meet up for a weekend in a city midway between where we live and where she lives, about three hours away. My boyfriend explained her suggestion to me and asked if I'd be comfortable with the situation. I asked if I could come along and meet her too, and he told me I'd probably have a better time elsewhere. He suggested that I could visit friends or family elsewhere that weekend. I understand that it's important to have friends, both male and female. I understand they have things in common and I understand that it's important for partners to have separate interests and even separate friends, but honestly I'm not comfortable the idea of my boyfriend spending a weekend out of town with another woman. He said he respected my stance on the issue and won't go on the trip.

 

I'm glad we can discuss these issues, but I feel a teensy bit guilty about my taking my position. I don't want to prevent him from doing something he really wants to do, and I don't want him to resent me for standing in his way. When I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea, he reminded me that I occasionally met with male colleagues for lunch and this is no different than that. But I feel comparing a 35-minute jaunt to the Mexican joint near my former office to a weekend rendez vous involving a night at the Hilton is like comparing apples to oranges!

 

I don't know why I'm letting this consume me; we had a rational discussion, no one got upset and he ultimately sided with me. I want to think my stance on this issue is motivated by rationality, but on one hand, I feel like it's being fueled by insecurities.

 

Do you think the situation he's proposed is OK? What would you do if you were in my situation? Any other thoughts on the situation?

 

Thanks in advance,

Laura

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Btw, if you were worried about him having lunch with a business contact - yes that would be insecurity - but I agree - going to meet up in another town with just her rather than 10-20 people meeting up, etc, for a meeting is drawing a line - a healthy line. There are plenty of guy friends he can go meet up with for a weekend of hanging out. You are not barring him from his friendships - just vetoing inappropriate ones.

 

Also, I think it is possible that his intentions were pure but hers was not. I had a situation with my ex where it was a business context and he was totally oblivious. I was involved in the business too but when he offered lunch to explain the propositions to them, they suggested dinner and when he mentioned bringing the business partner or myself along they emphasized "just you" to him.

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Try not to let it consume you - but yes, I think you are being prefectly reasonable. I'd still be worried if I were you - ok he asked you about it but - why not just let you go along? How long have they been in contact now, and how frequently?

 

Men seem to have a different view of fidelity to women (Thiknk Bill Clinton Not Having Sex).

 

I wonder what they've already done? This would really bother me, but I accept I might be overly suspicious. In your heart of hearts, are you happy that they've been in touch all this time?

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Thanks for the input.

 

I'm kinda peeved he even brought it up in the first place... I think DontGetStung and I had the same initial reaction...

 

maybe he didn't interpret her behavior as "interest". Some guys need to be hit with a 2x4. My boyfriend is that way. He doesn't pick up on hints unless we are playing a guessing game (we are teasing and he is actively looking for clues). So if a gal said "i am surprised you are taken" he would not take that as interest or disappointment. he would just interpret it as she didn't know that nugget of trivia yet about him. So don't beat him up. Just be glad you have a guy who is willing to hear you out and make decisions with your input! I would be more worried if he didn't tell you about this and just did it.

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I think you're completely sane and reasonable. And while I'm glad that your boyfriend is willing to respect your wishes on this, I can't help but marvel at how naive he seems to be -- this "friendship" is so close to the border of Inappropriate that he really ought to have a customs form filled out in anticipation of the inevitable "anything to declare?"

 

This guy is 31? People vary as to how attuned they are to nuance, and perhaps your boyfriend is especially credulous, at least about the ways of women ... but I think in your shoes I'd be looking askance at him and wonder just how innocent this is in his mind.

 

A couple of years ago I dated a guy who, on the surface, was very nice, a generally good person. But when it came to emotional/relational integrity, he was really lacking. He'd decided that we needed to break up (for reasons not really having to do with our relationship -- long story) and he never once discussed it with me, in fact he brushed aside my concerns about the long-term viability of our relationship when I tried to raise them. But once he'd taken it in his head that breaking up was inevitable, he bided his time until the timing was right for him. In the meantime he started putting out feelers to other women, in purely platonic ways that he would have at the time sworn were with wholly innocent intentions. Who knows, maybe he even believed that himself.

 

Point being: this suggested meeting is weird in and of itself, and the fact that your bf wasn't willing to include you is a HUGE red flag. You were not at all unreasonable ... and in fact, sadly, I think you need to be on your guard with him right now. Unless he's really clueless about these things ... I mean REALLY clueless.

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Point being: this suggested meeting is weird in and of itself, and the fact that your bf wasn't willing to include you is a HUGE red flag. You were not at all unreasonable ... and in fact, sadly, I think you need to be on your guard with him right now. Unless he's really clueless about these things ... I mean REALLY clueless.

 

Here's the thing -- He's NOT clueless and I don't get why he was so dense about this in the first place. To me, there's a fine line between "on your guard" and "crazy jealous and insecure." Anything specific I should be looking for?

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Yeah, don't feel guilty.

 

You are right, having lunch with a person of the opposite sex is COMPLETELY different then driving 3 hours out of your way and spending AN ENTIRE weekend with them. Yeah no, not gonna happen.

 

I don't see why you couldn't have went along. I mean, you had no problem with him going if you went to meet her as well but then he tells you to go visit family?? I think you did the right thing and reacted perfectly within your right.

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Here's the thing -- He's NOT clueless and I don't get why he was so dense about this in the first place. To me, there's a fine line between "on your guard" and "crazy jealous and insecure." Anything specific I should be looking for?

 

How often does he talk to her or have any contact with her?

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Here's the thing -- He's NOT clueless and I don't get why he was so dense about this in the first place. To me, there's a fine line between "on your guard" and "crazy jealous and insecure." Anything specific I should be looking for?

 

I agree that you don't want to self-sabotage or make yourself miserable. Sadly I can't tell you what specifically to look for ... I think it's very individual specific. I would just be aware of the mismatch between his apparent "cluelessness"in this situation and how he usually is, and also the unwillingness to have you come along.

 

Having a direct discussion with him about this probably won't get you far because he'll just stonewall and make out that it's all innocent, you're needlessly worried, etc. But in your shoes I might consider saying something like "I've been really disturbed by the whole idea of the weekend away with a woman who clearly has romantic designs on you. It's out of character for you to be so oblivious to another person's very clear intentions, and actually the fact that you were unwilling to have me join you on the trip makes me all the more uneasy about what's going on." And then tell him you need some time to think about it. See what he does.

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consider saying something like "I've been really disturbed by the whole idea of the weekend away with a woman who clearly has romantic designs on you. It's out of character for you to be so oblivious to another person's very clear intentions, and actually the fact that you were unwilling to have me join you on the trip makes me all the more uneasy about what's going on." And then tell him you need some time to think about it. See what he does.

 

^^^Great advice -- well said...

 

Yes, it's soooo inappropriate....

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Couldn't rep Uholala again but yes, what she said. Apart from anything else, SHE didn't think he was being 'purely platonic' did she, originally. So you have to have questions about how he behaves with women generally. And 'a few times a week' is an awful lot of time to talk, especially if you still have a whole weekend of chat left!!!

 

I'm sorry you've got this going on but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Good luck with it.

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I have recently found out that my husband who constantly preached how above board he is and above reproach had quite a few female "friends" behind my back and even had a "throw away" cell phone he gave his "friends" I don't mean to be a downer, but I believe he is interested in this other female and I really don't think it is a coincidence that he moved closer to her. You aren't married yet, so please take inventory now about what he is doing so your not like me having to come to grips that I married a stranger and now I have not only me but 3 kids to consider.

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I don't think you are out of line. I don't question your bf's intentions but I question her's a tad. If it were professional there would be no real excuse for meeting on a weekend apart and such. I mean they could essentially make that trip on a weekday and head home after right? I also think that even if it was a pursuit of friendship based on business relations it doesn't require an entire weekend away.

 

As for speaking up and feeling guilty - I would feel this way too. I would feel that my BF should know what to do and how I would feel and it wouldn't even be a question of "asking me" if he can go.

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