Depression & Dating

[coolgirl]

I know that you have to be upfront and honest with the person your going to date or be friends with or even hangout with. But honestly do you have to tell the person your out with the issue's that you are having? I mean set aside the issues. But in my opinion I think that it should not be important for the other person know what you are or you aren't dealing with. The thing that I'm afraid of is that there are some guy's out there that dont want to deal with these type of people. But really were all good people just with this type of diagnoses. Wont that be a turnoff for some men? Also doesn't depression make it harder on some people to date other's as well? Last year i was diagnosed by my pscyatrist that I have clinical depression with heavy mood swings. Thats if i go off my meds. But those are under control with medication. With my Dr's understanding this is something that going to stay with me for a very long time. I'm also afraid that I could never get into any sort of relationship with what I have or to even become sucessfull. Has anyone being in this type of situation?

[guynextdoor]

If you are just dating then no I don't think its necessary to tell them your problems. Its none of their business and vice versa. If you are exclusive in a relationship then its best to be upfront.

[Day_Walker]

As far as dating is concerned, I think that such information is not important but I think that once an actual relationship is established then such information should be shared, of course not right away but it should be shared in the beginning of the relationship.

[simply]

I'm going through the same problem, and I would never tell her I was depressed, even while in a relationship, the thing is, if the person your dating, or friends with, or whatever will eventually pick up on it. Your mood swings would be a dead give away, how you percieve life, how you react around certain crowds and there are so many other ways to figure it out. At least for me, i can read people very well, simply because i've either been there, or am going through it myself.

It's also never a good idea to show that kind of weakness , (I don't mean the word weakness as an insult, but thats frankly what it is)in the beginning, I believe this applies mostly for men, as they are supposed to be the confident ones, the ones who are sure of themselves and present strenght. To just come out and say, oh by the way, i'm clinically depressed, wouldn't be a good way to present yourself at the beginning of a relationshp, or dating period.

[JusticeLaw9]

I dated someone once who suffered from anxiety disorder; she displayed mood swings, depression & a great deal of impulsiveness. She told me about it from the very beginning, but I didn't want to leave her just for that. I dealt with it up until I found she stopped taking her meds. Why? She said it made her gain 'too much' weight and that she was worried she "won't look good anymore." Appreciated. But I was much more concerned about her taking care of her health. It would've been different if the meds weren't working or causing her physical discomfort. But neglecting to take your medicine to stay hip or look fly is not going to cut it. We lasted all of two months and then I pulled the plug because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

It doesn't matter what you have, as long as you make the effort to take care of yourself; it's not the end of the world. We all have problems and if not now, then someday we will. Keep that in mind for people who may try to convince you as otherwise.

[abitbroken]

I think don't tell them. Let the person get to know you. As you get to know them eachother's behavior will unfold and they will decide if you are compatible or not despite what the "label" of the condition is. I would only tell someone up front if it is an STD or some condition where you have six months to live when you are just first dating.

[Puddincup]

I think you need to match the amount of personal information you give out to the emotional intimacy that you have with a person. So at the beginning, it makes sense not to give a lot of personal information because you are not that close to the person. So I agree with this poster, here, who says to wait; however, I disagree that it's never a good idea to show this kind of weakness ever. That is what a loving relationship is all about: where you can show and be your true self with someone. If you are in a close relationship and not willing to reveal yourself, then you're not really in a close relationship and never will be if you don't take the risk of showing yourself.

[simply]

I think you need to match the amount of personal information you give out to the emotional intimacy that you have with a person. So at the beginning, it makes sense not to give a lot of personal information because you are not that close to the person. So I agree with this poster, here, who says to wait; however, I disagree that it's never a good idea to show this kind of weakness ever. That is what a loving relationship is all about: where you can show and be your true self with someone. If you are in a close relationship and not willing to reveal yourself, then you're not really in a close relationship and never will be if you don't take the risk of showing yourself.

 

It's a matter of experience I guess, I've been in that long serious relationship with a strong woman, mentally, and I showed that weakness, and I could tell, as much as she loved me, she lost a bit of respect for me. I think everyone would in one degree or another, sure your SO would be there to help you as best they could, but still, theres just something about it that reveals too much vulnerability for your SO to use against you in some way, shape or form, it's not always blatant, or in your face, but subconcious. It changes the relationship whether your aware of it or not, and rarely for the better. Just an observation.

[Ammy]

I agree with the others, no need to tell him straight away.

 

I suffer from depression and OCD and I worry it will affect my relationships... I haven't had a long enough relationship to test this worry out... but I think of my best friends (I have some fairly emotionally tight friendships) and they love me for who I am, and when I have a bad episode of depression/mood/OCD, they understand and whilst it upsets them to see me down, they still love me. I think a relationship would be the same. As long as you're commited to managing your depression (and not wallowing in it and not trying to deal with it), then it should not be a major turn off to someone once you have established a good connection.

 

So in answer, don't tell straight away... but tell the person once you are in a relationship and have a connection with that other person, so they see you as a whole person, who has depression rather than that being one of the first major things they know about you.

 

Ammy

[Puddincup]

It's a matter of experience I guess, I've been in that long serious relationship with a strong woman, mentally, and I showed that weakness, and I could tell, as much as she loved me, she lost a bit of respect for me. I think everyone would in one degree or another, sure your SO would be there to help you as best they could, but still, theres just something about it that reveals too much vulnerability for your SO to use against you in some way, shape or form, it's not always blatant, or in your face, but subconcious. It changes the relationship whether your aware of it or not, and rarely for the better. Just an observation.

 

Well I love it when a man shows his vulnerable side. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing better than seeing and being seen in this way by someone. It takes courage and if your SO made you feel in any way "weak" as a result, she has done a great disservice to your future girlfriends. We don't all want big strong hero men. There is something sweet and really great about a guy who shows his soft side.

[Puddincup]

We are all imperfect, yet we generally see others as being more "together" than we are, especially if that is the vibe that they put out there. We all have great parts and not so great parts. The more people you date, the more you realize that this is true. There is image and then there is reality. So I don't think anybody should feel bad because they have human frailties. I agree with you though that you reveal yourself slowly to people so that they have time (and you have time) to see the whole you (and them). If you hear about everything all at once without knowing the person well, it would be an overwhelming avalanche which is not necessary.