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Which surname should i give the baby!


leif

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I was divorced about 8 years ago, i have 2 children from my marriage. I have kept my married name for the childrens sake so they have grown up with the same surname as me and their father.

I am single and have have recently fallen pregnant by a married man whom i have been in a relationship with for a little while now. He has kept it a secret so far from his family. We are in love, although i don't think he wishes to leave his wife yet. I don't know why he won't and i know it's the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. We are both to blame, either of us could of walked away at any time but the love we felt for one another just made it so much more difficult.

I want to keep the baby, i cannot let the little one suffer for a situation that two adults were stupid enough to get into but i'm unsure about what surname the baby could take. For obvious reasons i don't think it would be a good idea for baby to have the fathers surname. I think my ex husband would disapprove of baby taking my married name, and my parents are so against my decision to have this relationship with this man that my maiden name doesn't seem right either.

Does anybody have any idea what they would do in this situation. Do you think his wife should know? and please i don't need to be told how stupid i was. I can't change whats been done, just want to give baby the best i can possibly do. Thanks in advance.

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I would just give the baby your maiden name (or the name you are using now for yourself as your last name). Traditionally, a baby born out of wedlock receives the mother's last name, but legally you can name the baby anything you want.

 

You also need to specify the baby's father on the birth certificate (or else refuse and leave it blank). In most areas, a birth certificate is a private document, and no one can request it except the person themselves or the parents. So the wife can't access the birth certificate to know the baby's father UNLESS she files for divorce and the judge allows a subpeona to get the birth certificate as evidence of adultery, since an illegitimate child of a mistress proves adultery. (and yes, I know a case where this happened).

 

I would not name the baby with the father's name unless he also agrees to it, but you can specify whatever you want on the birth certificate. I think if it were me, i'd specify the father on the birth certificate, BUT name the baby with the name i used for myself.

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I'm not quite sure why your parents would have a say in what the baby is named. I mean yes it is their last name and I can understand them not getting along with the father of the baby but it is their grandchild as well, no matter who the father is. And it was at one point your name as well.

 

I agree with lavenderdove. I'd give the baby your maiden name but put the father on the birth certificate. Check the laws to make sure no one can view the certificate but the two of you, unless in a legal manner (not sure about the laws in the UK).

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I would give the baby your current last name. It is YOUR name now, and it will include the new baby as part of YOUR family, your home. Why make this one child feel different from siblings and the parent he/she will live with? You can give the baby your maiden name as a middle name. You can acknowledge the father in other ways, but it does not have to be a part of the child's name.

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I actually might give the baby your current last name, and the names of your other children. Who cares what your ex thinks? He has no patent on the name; it's just as much yours now, too. It is absolutely not his concern at ALL.

 

My mom was actually in a similar situation when I was born. Except my dad wasn't married or anything. My mom had my older siblings with her ex husband. They divorced, and she dated my dad. They were going to get married but broke off their engagement. So she wanted me to have the same last name as her and my brother & sister.

 

It worked at the time. About 18 years later, she had remarried, my sister changed her name & I rarely talk to my brother. So I found myself with this last name that no longer made sense. It was a name that originated from a bad guy (my mom's ex husband was a dirt bag). I decided I wanted the same last name as my dad, stepmom & little brothers, so I changed it.

 

I think what my mom did was right at the time. Hey, if the kid doesn't like it when they are older, they can just change it. I was 18 & figured out how; it wasn't that difficult.

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Check the laws to make sure no one can view the certificate but the two of you, unless in a legal manner (not sure about the laws in the UK).

 

Birth and Death certificates in the UK are a matter of public record and (for a fee) you can search the register and pull any information you want...

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I want to keep the baby, i cannot let the little one suffer for a situation that two adults were stupid

 

It is too late for that. The baby will indeed suffer because that baby will have a father either he/she will never know or will have to face the fallout when the secret comes out. The baby will have a different last name than her/his other half siblings. Also, how do you explain the new baby to your current children? Your current children will suffer knowing that their mother had a baby with someone who has to remain a secret because the guy is married. So your children are suffering and are learning about relationships from your example. So yes, the two adults made mistakes, and the children are indeed suffering for them. You don't say if you are planning on ending this relationship with the married man. Yes, his wife should know, but that is up to him to tell his wife..and somehow I don't think he will step up to the plate on that one. As for the last name, I think it should be your maiden name, as much as your parents disapprove of the relationship, I am sure they will welcome your child. I don't think it is appropriate to name the child after your ex's last name since the child is not his.

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When I was younger it seemed like there was sort of a stigma if you didn't have the same last name as the family you lived with. Like, if a woman has 3 kids & each one has a different last name, and a different last name than her, it almost seems like it implies "poor". I'll probably get slammed for this! But it does, it seems to say disenfrachised, or that you know something funny was going on. While I like my dad's name better & would rather have his than some other guy that I barely even know, I'm glad I had the same last name as my mom & siblings growing up because that was who I lived with.

 

I think giving the kid the same last name as you & his/her siblings will just make things easier for THEM. They won't have kids at school asking why they have a different last name than you & their siblings, and have to figure out how to explain it. They will have less of a chance of other kids calling them a "bastard child" or something similar. Who cares what about the politics of it, or what your ex, your parents or anyone else thinks. Do what's best for the kid.

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I have told the father, he says he would be there for the baby. He agrees that the surname is a difficult one as he and my parents do not get on at all.

 

Since he'll be there for the baby, then he can do the right thing, and give this child his last name.

 

Why should it be "up in the air" as far as giving this baby a last name? It's his choice whether he tells his wife or not, but this is an innocent baby that deserves to know where he/she came from.

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Since he'll be there for the baby, then he can do the right thing, and give this child his last name.

 

Why should it be "up in the air" as far as giving this baby a last name? It's his choice whether he tells his wife or not, but this is an innocent baby that deserves to know where he/she came from.

 

I agree. Also, the issue of him not getting along with your parents is a moot point...he is still the father of the baby and if he is going to be in the baby's life then the baby should have his last name. I think the real reason why he doesn't want to give the baby his last name is so that he can keep it as much of a secret as possible from his wife and family and friends. This guy loves his public image more than he loves you or his wife for that matter.

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I agree with all Alli has to say. Do what will make this child's everyday life easiest, in school, with friends, every time he/she gives or writes his/her name. Last names signify connection and family. If you give this child a different last name from his immediate family you might as well tattoo on his forehead "does not belong". I know that sounds harsh, but even though the father says he will be involved, this child will be living with you and your other children on a day to day basis. Let him choose to change it later in life, once he can decide if it is important to him.

 

And yes, his wife should be told. She will find out eventually, so now is better than everyone living with a secret.

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i would give the child your current last name. i think it will be easier and make more sense for everyone. otherwise, you are Jane Smith, two of your kids are John and Sara Smith, and the third kid is Jacob Cutter. I mean, it's like, 'which of these does not belong?' i think it would single the kid out too much.

 

unless you go back to your maiden name now. and then give the kid your maiden name.

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