How to gauge ex when there are no breadcrumbs

[Time2Shine]

Hello,

 

I have been mulling this over for awhile now and I thought I should put this up here. How exactly does one keep hope alive that an ex is coming back. I have been on NC for 2 weeks now and to be honest I'm doing fine. I have been working out, applying for new jobs, and just plain living. I can get through the day without thinking about her some days but some days I do break down.

 

I wonder how does one gauge that an ex is coming back? I know we aren't supposed to wait and I'm not but I'm looking for signs where I should try to get back with her. I don't want to miss out on any opportunity. People here often say that six months is the right time initiate but other people say that I should wait till she initiates.

 

I do have to be honest but I keep feeling that she is seeing this guy that is supposedly just being a friend. But he is the kind of friend that sleeps with girls when they are most venerable. He is very crude and he also makes other people's anger even more tense. He is the kinda guy that tells people what they want to hear rather then what they need to hear. I fear that she will never let go of her anger because of this guy. I fear she may never be able to calm down and reflect on everything without it being tainted by this guy. The only thing keeping me going is that this isn't the marriage type of guy.

 

I know its crazy but this is the girl that I wanted to marry. I can't seem to let it go completely.

[jaygirl]

Take it easy

two weeks is still very small.

 

take your time. give her time to miss you. and while doing NC, keep in mind that what ever willl be will be.

[Casmut]

Two weeks is little time, and you need to really let yourself heal. You will always have the whole uppers and downers thing going on. One day you'll feel fine, the next day you'll feel lost.

 

As hard as this may sound, stick to NC as much as you can. Like Jaygirl said, give her time to miss you. Sometimes this process can take a very long time. My ex broke up with me over a year ago, went NC..i broke it a week later with no reply, i broke it 2 months later with no reply and never bothered talking to her again until maybe 9 or 10 months after the break up when she initiated contact.

 

You're on the right path, keep yourself occupied as best as possible, and good luck.

[lavenderdove]

First, you are on the totally right track to just go about living your life and keeping busy. The first month is really hard.

 

But you have to live your life without the expectation she is coming back, one way or another. She may want to come back, or she may not. She may stick with the guy she's seeing now, or break up with him and see someone totally different.

 

So there isn't a magic formula for if you wait a certain period of time and do X, Y, and Z she will come back. A lot of people on the Getting Back Together board are looking for a magic formula to bring the one they love back, and honestly, there is none. She has to decide that is what she wants, and that she doesn't want anyone else other than you. Sometimes she will decide that, and sometimes not.

 

Your best bet for happiness is to accept that for whatever reason, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now, so you have to go on living your life fully, and do things to make you happy/build your confidence, get ready for either a new love, or for her if she changes her mind in future.

 

But don't live it for her alone...

 

And it is best to have very limited contact with her, both so that you can heal, and so that she can really miss you, and if she does love you, missing you might bring her back. But if you're there in the background as her ever ready security blanket, she has all the time in the world to shop around for a new guy while keeping you as a friend. There's nothing in that for you.

[BriarRose]

If there were no one else in the picture, I would say 2 weeks isn't very long. But since there is another guy in the picture (probably the reason she broke up with you?), I would let it go....

[Time2Shine]

Thanks for the great responses!

 

The new guy I'm not really sure she is dating but she has definitely tried to replace me with him. The one thing I'm unsure of is two things.

 

1. The relationship ended with her asking for space angrily and saying she was closing the door to our relationship.

 

2. I only have about a year left here before we have to go our separate ways and I'm fairly certain that we wouldn't work as a LDR

 

So even though im on NC and im ok with it...I wonder how long will have to pass before we get into the no going back zone. I would assume this is about six months prior to when we have to go our separate ways.

[coldplay.]

If its really been two weeks it will never work. You didnt provide why you broke up but its implied by you working out and getting a job ect ect. You think your lifestyle needs to change, but your trying to do that over a two week period? And even if somehow it did, you think SHES going to believe it? Na.... At this point in time any contact is going to come off as needy as all hell. And its true your post title is "how to gauge ex when there are no breadcrumbs" because... there are no breadcrumbs, the moment you start looking for them is the moment when you start hurting in a way thats counter productive to healing.

 

For example ive been in "NC" for over a year now, saw my ex face at a running event, felt like crap and walked away, the same day she unblocked my on AIM first time in years, but are they breadcrumbs? Hell no. Her calling me asking to talk is a breadcrumb, not this.

 

Sorry for being brutal, but i was in this hopeful limbo for months, and i think its a much faster way to get your ex back by making these positive changes in your life as soon as possible. Rather than spreading a superficial layer of change over yourself and trying to present that, because in two weeks that is all it will be. The only way to really change at the core is to first completely heal, and that is only when you stop looking for breadcrumbs, then your actions align back to your real purpose, not her, not the relationship, but yourself.

 

So even though im on NC and im ok with it...I wonder how long will have to pass before we get into the no going back zone. I would assume this is about six months prior to when we have to go our separate ways.

The no going back zone is "Its over" for real man. Now the longer it goes the better than chance of you getting back together, really. But its all up to you and the decisions you make.

[fLuiD]

Agree with everyone else that 2 weeks is too soon, but I think OP's question still hasn't been fully answered.

 

The signs that an ex is coming back, in my opinion, are completely beyond your control, and you may not see them until too late. If she does want to come back, it will take months and possibly maybe years. You will not see the signs because you should be in NC. The signs of her wanting to come back would be: her missing you, trouble with new relationships, possibly guilt and depression from ending things, etc. These are all internal things within herself, and you will not see those signs. You would see the last stage, which is when she decides to break NC and asks to talk or is somehow more direct with you about her feelings.

 

I wouldn't bet on it though...It's best to tell yourself that she is gone forever. If she does come back, you would be a better and improved person, if you keep yourself on the track you are on now. Keep working on yourself, and continue NC.

[TearsofFate]

Thanks for the great responses!

 

The new guy I'm not really sure she is dating but she has definitely tried to replace me with him. The one thing I'm unsure of is two things.

 

1. The relationship ended with her asking for space angrily and saying she was closing the door to our relationship.

 

2. I only have about a year left here before we have to go our separate ways and I'm fairly certain that we wouldn't work as a LDR

 

So even though im on NC and im ok with it...I wonder how long will have to pass before we get into the no going back zone. I would assume this is about six months prior to when we have to go our separate ways.

 

Two weeks is really soon. It may seem like forever but it's actually pretty short. I remember two weeks after my break up. My ex was still angry with me. There were times where he acted nice with me but I could still tell he was bothered and didn't trust me much.

 

What I did back then wasn't NC (I was advized against it because of my particular situation) I apologized for everything and told him I still wanted to be friends. Then I went onto NC for about 5 days and then after that I went onto strict LC for about 2 months now. He is a totally changed person around me now.

 

It's hard...it really is. Whether you are on NC or LC it's hard all the same, not being with the one you love. The most important thing right now is to give your ex time to heal. It doesn't matter who she is seeing, this needs to be done. Use this time to fix problems in your life. This could be anything.

[coldplay.]

I think most of you are mistaken... NC and LC arnt formulas to get your ex back, it isnt a "method". They are just convenient terms used to describe the only two possible situations you can be in. Its fundamentally wrong because a method implies an outcome, and when your outcome dependent about your relationship with your ex you are infact needy, maybe not on them, but WORSE YET the IDEA OF THEM, because in reality they are already gone.

 

NC is about taking smart steps to healing yourself, which has been stressed and stressed and stressed on this forum, it isnt about getting your ex back, that just happens sometimes. The only time you succeed in NC is when you no longer know you are in it.

 

The most popular thread on here, superdaves challenge, is good because it allows those who havnt come to terms a place for support and place to vent, but when you get to a certain point in this whole ordeal it turns simply into a thread of martyrs of old relationships. Its the people that no longer post that have the real success. Im not discounting the journey though, especially for those who have just begun... but alas there is no magic pill.