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My friend was in a car accident, and it's my fault...


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I need some advice from strangers on a situation that has happened to my so called "best friend," and I. I know family has told me it's more her fault than mine, but I feel maybe that's just friends and family trying to cheer me up ... here is what happened.

 

My boyfriend's birthday was Jan. 28th this year, and we decided to make birthday plans. My boyfriend has never really gone out to bars and stuff, and since I normally go with my best friend he wanted to give it a whirl with us. My boyfriend also invited a lot of his friends, and I didn't want to be an outcast so I invited my best friend, we will call her "B".

"B" is in college two hours away, I asked if she would like to come. I told her it was a Thursday and she swore she could make it. Smart thinking me, I recalled back in the days when she never thought things through, and even though I told her specifically it was a Thursday I knew closer to the date she would reject the date due to Friday school.

Sure enough ... she canceled, she asked if we could switch it to Friday. Some reason made me upset even though I knew this was typical of her, we switched it to Friday. Never really "spoke" just a few texts asking if she was still going to make it.

 

Thursday (the original date we planned) rolled around, and I get a text from my "B". The text said "Weather is getting bad, I can leave tonight so I'm not in all the ice/snow and bank on not having school tomorrow and go out tonight, or I can wait til' tomorrow and see how the weather is." I called her and discussed it with her, and said it was up to her. I told her I would keep her up to date on the weather, and to do what she felt was right. At the very end she was dead set on coming that night, and she was going to be on her way. She also stated that if in case there was no school it was okay, she only needed to be back for her 2 o' clock class. So last minute plans changed and half of the people we originally invited couldn't make it because of the plan mix up.

 

I wait around for her, and around the time she should have already been on the road she texts "Hey, I don't think I'm going to come tonight. I'm really worried to be honest, and I'm not sure if school will be canceled." Well to be honest I'm furious at this moment, I switch plans, and switch plans, and lost half of our company, and it's suppose to be my boyfriends party but everything revolved around her.

I decided I wasn't going to bite my tongue like I usually do, and decided to let her know how I felt. I do admit in her defense I was rude, and kind of harsh on her, but she really made me upset. This is a friend who I've known for 11 years, and I've always treated her like a sister. We grew up together, and after moving away she didn't seem to care much for the relationship like I did. I did my very best to keep her in contact with me, even if it meant me paying for her.

 

I told her something on the lines of "I'm tired of you canceling everything, you can never be honest with me. You get my hopes up, when in reality I said don't come unless you aren't comfortable. You couldn't even be straight with me and tell me you were not comfortable driving up, and you know I would have been okay."

She lashed back at me with "I really wish you could be more understanding sometimes! I'm not comfortable with this and you don't even care!"

I told her I cared, and I reminded her that I was the one who always asked her to come visit me, even if I payed." I wasn't meaning to throw that in her face, I was just saying how much I really wanted to see her. She said "Don't try and say you want to spend time with me and hang out and that bull**** cause' you never come and see me." After arguing for a bit' she said she would be stranded if anything happened to her.

She once had a flat tire and I was on my way to get her, when she told me not to worry cause her mom was picking her up. I told her if anything happened I would be there for her.

 

She ended up coming, and long story into short she was a Debbie Downer. Class that was only important at 2 o' clock turned into 12 o' clock, then 9 o' clock. Her class importance kept changing earlier and earlier, and she suddenly remembered all of these things she needed to be in school for.

At breakfast around 2 A.M the roads were clear and she was panicking, we came home and she checked her towns weather and it was clear, she was going to have school. It was 3 when she got to sleep and had to be home by 8 giving her 3 hours to sleep.

I went to sleep, and this is where my big problem came in. I was stupid, though I took her for the kind of person she is (highly independent, and careful) I turned my phone on silent thinking things would be okay. My boyfriend seen a missed call from her but failed to inform me until later. I woke up and called her and she was absolutely pissed. I asked what had happened and she had been into a car accident because of the snow. In her words the roads were slick and she flew off the highway and hit something (I think a pole, or sign, or something.) She was at the hospital and I said I would be on my way and she said she had finished her x-rays and the tow truck was taking her home.

 

I knew she was mad, she sounded mad, and I thought instantly "there goes our friendship." Later to find out my boyfriend went to work and his friend had text him that morning and asked if "B" had been in a wreck on 44? My boyfriend said yes, and he his friend who wasn't too much later than her said "Hmm ... the roads are clear here, we are flying through going to the casino only light dusting, other than that ... dry."

Now I'm thinking what really happened, and everyone else mentions this way before I do, but I believe she was sleepy and fell asleep. It was a little more logical to me, being a busy highway you don't just fly off the road and something especially when it's just like dust. Instead I'm sure she blames me for I guess "making her feel guilty about not going to come, and I threw a fit, so it was all my fault." When really she didn't want to tell anyone she had fallen asleep. Now, we don't talk at all it's been since the wreck that we last talked much. I sent her a few belongings she left, that's it.

 

I feel guilty, and others say just let it go. I feel I pull all of the work in the relationship, and I don't know if I should keep trying at it? Should I talk to her, or just let everything go completely? Should I feel as guilty as I do, and was it really my fault?

Advice please.

 

P.s - Sorry about the length of this

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Well, how bad were the roads, really?

 

The way I see it, why did you plan a big night out on a Thursday? Don't most other people have to work the next day? Knowing that a Thursday wouldn't work out very well for your friend, why wouldn't you just plan it on Friday? Secondly, why change everyone's plans around her? If you really wanted it on a Thursday & knew she probably couldn't make it, you should have accepted it as a loss and not moved the dates around. It basically screwed everyone else out of a good time with all the plans changing.

 

Now, when she was driving down to see you, how bad was the weather at that time? I can see why you would be annoyed that she couldn't make it, but if the roads were that bad, the party STILL could have continued without her. Expressing anger at her due to road conditions that she had no control over wasn't the right thing to do. However, if the main reason she reconsidered again was because of other stuff... classes, etc, then that would be very annoying!! She needs to make up her mind!!

 

Finally, she is solely responsible for her own driving & her own car. She switches around too much... changing it to friday, then back to thursday, then cancelled, then came anyway... and you LET her. After all, wasn't this about your bf & his birthday?? Why allow her schedule to dictate everyone elses?

 

So no, I don't think the accident was your fault. The only possible fault I see was if the roads really were bad & you pressured her to come anyway. Not a good idea. But she flip flops around too much anyway. Next time, just continue with the same plans you had from the start, and you'll see her when she comes. If not, better luck catching up next time.

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Yea, I agree with Alli. I mean the party should have gone on thursday anyway. You and your boyfriend planned it on that day and you should have sticked with it regardless if your friend "B" was coming or not. (plus you ruined your other friend's plans for one friend and you figured she would cancel, like she has done before) I don't think it was your fault. It was an accident. You didnt intentionally do it to her. Also she came because she wanted to because she wasnt sure of the weather on friday. (meaning she still wanted to go out! its not like you forced her to go out) And like Alli said she kept flip floping with the plans and that is unfair to you and the others who were going out. If she was so worried about her class on friday, then she should have just stayed where she was at (thats what i would have done anyways)

 

I mean just because you were in the situation of her coming down and the weather was bad..does not mean it was your fault. But it was not her fault either. It was an accident. And her "blaming" you is kind of childish in my opinion. If she did not want to come she should have said no, but she wanted to come down. Like i said before if she was worried about class the next day (and she knew there was bad weather coming) then she should have just stayed. Why would she put herself through that anyway?

 

And if you still wanting to be friends..then that is up to you and her. I mean we can't answer that for you. You could call her up and say "hey im sorry about what happened and i hope you get better soon" or whatever you want to say. It opens up the communication. She might think you are mad at her because she blamed you for everything. So just try and open up the lines of communication. If she responds..cool. If not, then life goes on with out her. If she can't accept the fact that you are trying to be her friend and be there for her, then that is her problem and then maybe it is best for you to move on.

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