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Finally going to meet his daughter in person


Car Chick

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My bf's daughter is coming up for Spring break. She's 14. I am 20, he's 44. Any tips on what to do or say or not do or say. The age and just the fact that I am dating her dad is making this meeting very nerve-racking for me, so any advice would help. I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

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My bf's daughter is coming up for Spring break. She's 14. I am 20, he's 44. Any tips on what to do or say or not do or say. The age and just the fact that I am dating her dad is making this meeting very nerve-racking for me, so any advice would help. I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

 

Be prepared for her to be very cold towards you. I've had some friends whose fathers date girls closer to their age than their dad's and it's usually a very hostile environment.

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Be prepared for her to be very cold towards you. I've had some friends whose fathers date girls closer to their age than their dad's and it's usually a very hostile environment.

 

I do really worry about this. So far, when we talked on the phone she seemed fine with it and she told her dad she is, but I just don't know. It's easier to tell in person if she's just saying this for her dad's sake or not. In person I can read her body language body and see if she's being stand-offish to me or if she's feeling comfortable around me.

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Dont try to be her best friend, maybe get her dad to test the waters and get a preliminary feel for how shes going to act towards you. How long ago since her parents divorce?

 

They were never married. Her mom has remarried already now.

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Oh and for those of you who remember the thread about her not having added me on facebook yet, she told her dad she hasn't had the chance to add me yet because she's been grounded because her grades dropped. She's not allowed back online until she brings them up, so it may be while. : (

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I do really worry about this. So far, when we talked on the phone she seemed fine with it and she told her dad she is, but I just don't know. It's easier to tell in person if she's just saying this for her dad's sake or not. In person I can read her body language body and see if she's being stand-offish to me or if she's feeling comfortable around me.

 

It might take some getting used to. Be patient with her, don't try to force some awkward friendship right away. I do think it's good you've talked to her on the phone so it won't be some big surprise. Just be friendly and nice, ask about her life, school, etc. Be genuine, don't be pushy and hopefully over time she'll find her comfort zone.

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It might take some getting used to. Be patient with her, don't try to force some awkward friendship right away. I do think it's good you've talked to her on the phone so it won't be some big surprise. Just be friendly and nice, ask about her life, school, etc. Be genuine, don't be pushy and hopefully over time she'll find her comfort zone.

 

Those are all good suggestions. I know some of her interests from her dad telling me and from talking on the phone. I know she's in band so I can ask her how that's doing and how her baby brother is. She really loves him.

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That's really good you're asking about her hobbies, maybe after shes settled in ask her to go to a music store with you, not sure where you live but if you live by a major city you could probably find a neat hole in the wall music store she would really like, or take her to a really unique restaurant. It'll give her some good memories to go back with.

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That's really good you're asking about her hobbies, maybe after shes settled in ask her to go to a music store with you, not sure where you live but if you live by a major city you could probably find a neat hole in the wall music store she would really like, or take her to a really unique restaurant. It'll give her some good memories to go back with.

 

That's a good idea. I want to ask her if she likes sining too, because we have some fun karaoke places around here. It's a more relaxed atmosphere for us to get to know each other than just sitting in an awkwardly silent house trying to figure out what to say to each other. Then again, karaoke might be too loud for us to talk.

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I think you are worrying too much. You have no control over how she'll react. Just be your sweet self and hope for the best. With time she'll warm up to you. It's always hard to accept your parent's new partners. Because her mother already remarried, that'll probably make it a bit easier.

 

Don't try too hard to be friends. It's going to take a long time. Be patient and realize it probably isn't you if she isn't friendly. It's going to be hard for her and it would be no matter who you are.

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Oh and for those of you who remember the thread about her not having added me on facebook yet, she told her dad she hasn't had the chance to add me yet because she's been grounded because her grades dropped. She's not allowed back online until she brings them up, so it may be while. : (

 

I think you need to stop worrying or making a big deal about the Facebook issue. By adding her you put her in an uncomfortable place; no-one wants to have dad's girlfriend or mum's boyfriend on your Facebook at that age, it'll make her feel uncomfortable because she'll feel you can see what she does there, and she'll want to censor her behaviour on it. The fact you've discussed it with her dad, who's in turn discussed it with her is not going to leave her feeling happy- she's going to feel pressured now. Keep her personal space and upset her dad, or keep the peace and feel like she's being watched? So don't be surprised if that friend request isn't accepted for a long time.

As for meeting her, let her take the lead. You seem far too desperate to be her best friend, and I know you just want it to be okay but I know from experience step-parents who force themselves on you and try to be your bestest friend when you're not ready are the most frustrating thing ever- a big reason I don't see my father now is because of his girlfriend, though it's a very different story and she, along with him both have delusional issues. But it started off with her trying to be my best friend and include me in far too much- at 14 you want your own space and independance and the last thing you want is dad's much younger girlfriend invading that.

Play it cool, let her take the lead, do not try too hard, and don't be offended if she isn't comfortable. You are only 6 years older than her and she probably finds you and her father's relationship gross, to be frank.

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Just be yourself. A major mistake that many step-parents make is that they try too hard to get the stepchildren to like them. That leaves the children to have little respect for them. What you really need right now is patience. She may not like you right away, and that's ok. But if she feels pressured to like you (to please dad or you), she may end up with a lot of resentment.

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Actually, she has added me now and we chat on there whenever we're both on. SHE brought it up to her dad, not me. I had asked her what name she was under on there so I could add her as a friend, she was on the phone with her dad and told him to tell me that the reason she hadn't added me yet was because she had been grounded. I am NOT pressuring her.

 

She doesn't seem to have any grossed out feelings about us. I had made a joke about me being weird and she said I seem pretty normal to her. We are getting along really well so far. When her dad is visiting her and I call him, she ASKS to talk to me.

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Update:

 

I have been talking on the phone and on facebook to her lately and we seem to be getting along really well. I think things are going to go just fine with meeting her. She is very excited about it and so am I. We're going to try to all meet together and then my bf suggested (and I had thought about it too) that sometime while he's at work, so his daughter isn't left all alone and bored, that maybe just the two of us could do something together, like a girl day.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just curious, what happened to this girl's mother? Why isn't your boyfriend still with him?

 

Also, it seems strange that you have never met his daughter yet. His daughter doesn't live with him?

 

Update:

 

I have been talking on the phone and on facebook to her lately and we seem to be getting along really well. I think things are going to go just fine with meeting her. She is very excited about it and so am I. We're going to try to all meet together and then my bf suggested (and I had thought about it too) that sometime while he's at work, so his daughter isn't left all alone and bored, that maybe just the two of us could do something together, like a girl day.

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Just curious, what happened to this girl's mother? Why isn't your boyfriend still with him?

 

Also, it seems strange that you have never met his daughter yet. His daughter doesn't live with him?

 

He wasn't married to her mother. He and her are about as opposite people as opposite can be now. He was with her during his drinking days. She's still a drunk and hates God. He's sober and is completely devoted to God. They are not compatible anymore. That's what happened with that. As far as her not living with him, unfortunately even though the men are held as accountable as the woman for providing for an illegitimate child, they don't have nearly as many rights. It's really sad because he cares for her financially, he loves her with all his heart, but yet, because they weren't married, the mom gets automatic custody. He can't really afford to raise a child right now either, so trying for joint custody just isn't a reality at the time. Any time he tries to move to be near her, the mom tries to move so that he has even more limited access to her. It breaks his heart, but unfortunately, much of their contact is strictly over the phone.

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I met her this week, finally! We had a bonfire with the three of us and we all had a lot of fun. Today I took her to the mall and got her a drink at Starbucks and we walked around the bookstore (we both LOVE to read). She came to my house for lunch and had the opportunity to meet my mom and my brother. I am hoping she can come over on Friday night before she leaves so that she can meet my dad too. She asked me for a hug when we said goodbye and I heard her telling her grandmother on the phone that she had a really great time with me. She told her dad I was "cool". I am SO relieved that all is going so well.

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I'm glad it well!

 

To NightPumpkin - I think people can change, especially former drinkers. People do things when they are drinking heavily that they may NEVER do when they're sober. As long as they stay sober, they're fine.

 

My boyfriend drank VERY heavily in his 20s after personal trauma involving a girlfriend. He now rarely drinks (maybe 1 beer a month) and has been that way for over 30 years. From what he tells me, he was mean, was a Republican (lol), not free-thinking, and ate meat during the periods of drinking. He stopped and now is the complete opposite because he stayed away from alcohol and let himself grow as a person. Now he's very happy and comfortable with himself.

 

I think as long as the guy stays sober and shows that he's changed through MANY actions (not words), then it can be all right.

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No offense, but do you really want to marry a former drunk who got a woman pregnant and thus created a situation where a girl gets raised without a father in her life?

 

I think a lot of people would agree that it is not someone's past that matters nearly as much as who they are in the present. Many people have overcome drug and alcohol addiction, and it doesn't mean they should never have a good partner for the rest of their lives. Most people probably have something unpleasant in their past--mistakes happen--and for the most part, people shouldn't be judged on things that are over and done with.

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