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seeking serious help


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So I don't know where to begin about describing how I feel, I just feel lost and helpless.

 

My girlfriend and I met about 11 months ago. I am 24 and graduated from college 2 year now, and she is in her sophomore year. School is about 75 miles away, however her parents live very close. We are both members of a co-ed fraternity and we met when at our formal dinner and dance. We got to talking, had a some quirky things in common, and after both having a few drinks, we kissed and made out much of the night.

 

We started texting a lot, soon enough constantly all day every day. As the semester wound down, I asked her to be be my girlfriend and she accepted, despite plans to be accross the country for 2 months over the summer.

 

She was home about a week and a half after finals before she left town, and we got to see each other quite a bit. I had certainly dated other people and had a couple short-lived relationships in the past, but having one go so well was an elation for me. Not long after she was gone, I was overcome and told her that I loved her, and she responded in kind. Our relationship grew very strong and serious quickly, often times suggesting long-term possibilities. As her return grew near a lot of sexual tension built, and her first night back we had made plans to not rush the sex, but it proved to be a plan that didn't hold water.

 

As the summer closed she headed back to school, and since she doesn't have a car, I made many trips, seeing her nearly every weekend. Our first major problem arose when another guy she was close to, whom she met not long before me, was causing her to be confused about her feelings. The tensions of the distance between us were rough, and she was spending a lot of time seeing him because he was a helpful study buddy and a good friend. Eventually, this and other factors that may or may not have been simply justifications for ways this relationship wouldn't work (eg the distance and age difference), built up and she wanted a break. For about 2 weeks, she went back and forth on whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship with me. Finally one day, she decided that it would be best not to talk to each other, and as she told me later, kissed that guy that night. The next day, she had completely changed her mind and said that she couldn't see herself kissing anyone else besides me. Those 2 weeks however took a toll on me. I had incredibly anxiety, no appetite, and even nausea over my emotions of the situation.

 

For the next several months things were pretty routine. I would spend a lot of weekends seeing her. We had some fights, but never anything too serious, however I would feel the anxiety arise when I was in doubt about our future together. That brings me to this past week. We were both busy one weekend, I had road-tripped to see a friend of mine out of town, and she was on a retreat. Her place was on the way from home to and from, and I was able to see her both times. It seemed after some stressful weeks between us, things finally were figured out. We both left with huge smiles on our faces, she even said she wanted to be with me forever. But the next day she voiced some frustrations about missing her true self, and being able to flirt with guys and have independence. Tensions grew over this subject as she revealed more of her personal dilemmas. She had told me that she wanted to spend a weekend with her friends, and I did not take it well. I had a rough week at work, and was missing her like crazy and was sad that I couldn't see her. My reaction led her to feel guilty for not wanting to see me, and the more I tried to talk to her, she became angry that I was being needy. Her unhappiness grew, and Sunday morning she finally broke down, texting me saying: "Do you realize that everything I want lately screams I want to be single". I tried to pick her brain to discover her true feelings. She was saying things that she didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, and that the stress of a serious relationship was becoming too much for her to handle. She mentioned a few times that she didn't want me to sleep over because she felt that in particular made things too serious. Eventually she said she wanted to date me more casually, and then seemed to change her mind again. She accidentally sent me a text intended for a friend that said she was free to get together after she broke up with me. Finally, we talked on the phone and decided that she didn't want to break up, but was very clear she wanted efforts to be made to make things less stressful and more casual, but apologetic for not being more respectful of me, and sending me that text.

 

So there's the story. Going through this weekend, I had the worst gut feeling about the situation as all her frustrations become known, and became incredibly anxious, and was again unable to eat without feeling nausea. Saturday morning when I woke up I wept for a half an hour, felt incredibly weak, powerless, and the fear of losing someone I truly loved more than anyone in my life.

 

Right now however, some things seem to be culminating for me where at times I feel like all my efforts and the love I give are barely being reciprocated, and that she doesn't feel the same desire to be with me. I feel like constantly I have no say and am very submissive to anything she wants, trying to please her, to make things less stressful for her, and feeling incapable of asking for anything in return out of fear that it could push her away.

 

I keep repeating the lyric in my head that if love is a labor, i'll slave to the end. Because when I think about our good times, I can't imagine ever being so lucky to find someone else to whom I feel so connected. I am a shy and introverted person, and I am not in situations where I meet new people often, and many of my friends are getting married and I see them less often.

 

Clearly, I need help and advice. Thank you.

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Hi danny,

 

Well, you won't want to hear this ... but I really think you need to let her go. It's more than just a gut feeling, she is almost pleading with you to break up with her. She is not into this as much as you are, and she wants to date other people. Sure she might want to date you, but you will not be the only one. She made that BLATANT with that accidental text message. I think you deserve much better.

 

I'm really sorry Maybe in a few years she will have settled down and you can rekindle things. But right now I think it'd be best to let her go.

 

-TOF

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Many times I have gotten that feeling that she is trying to get me to break up with her, but I want to be with her more than anything else I've ever wanted. I also have this feeling from hearing stories of her past that she easily moved on from one guy to the next, and was capable of breaking up with someone and wasn't trying to force it on me.

 

And about the accidental text message, she apologized over and over for me having to see that, because when I called her immediately after that she was sobbing, and was completely confused and undecided. I asked her straight-forward if she wanted to break up and she said no.

 

I appreciate the advice and I am trying to honest with my feelings. They have sometimes been so so strong that I have never experienced anything like them and am unable to react, and perhaps that has caused me to make irrational assumptions about her feelings. I just don't know. More than anything, I think I am afraid to bring up these concerns with her.

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You HAVE to bring up these concerns with her. If you can't talk to her, then what's the point?

 

Now I'll tell you this. I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that when you love someone, you want what's best for them. You do want her to be happy, right? I know it is the hardest thing ever, but you have to be selfless and do what will make her happy, even if that means you can't have her.

 

About the text message--she may have apologized until she was blue in the face ... but she still said that to someone. She literally said she was going to break up with you, and was making plans for once she had done so. You really need to think about what that means.

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I think this is a classic example of right people for each other at the wrong time. As such, I think it's imperative that you let her go and allow her to experience life as single because deep down inside it's what she wants, she's just having a hard time ending it with you because a) she probably really loves you, and b) you are probably making it very difficult for her to break up with you. Even if you force her to stay with you and temporarily mute her feeling of wanting to experience the single life, it's bound to come back sooner or later and she'll eventually snap and you'll continue to have these problems. Your best bet is to let her go, let her experience things and if after doing so she still wants to be with you then you can see if the relationship has potential but if you continue to push for the relationship reletlessy now you're definitely going to rub her the wrong way and future potential for something solid will diminish. You got to do the right thing here and let her realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and if she doesn't come to that conclusion and is happier single or with someone else then you know it wasn't meant to be.

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You HAVE to bring up these concerns with her. If you can't talk to her, then what's the point?

 

Now I'll tell you this. I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that when you love someone, you want what's best for them. You do want her to be happy, right? I know it is the hardest thing ever, but you have to be selfless and do what will make her happy, even if that means you can't have her.

 

About the text message--she may have apologized until she was blue in the face ... but she still said that to someone. She literally said she was going to break up with you, and was making plans for once she had done so. You really need to think about what that means.

 

Exactly, I forgot to mention the text message thing. It should give you a clear indication that behind your back she is yapping away with friends on how and when she's going to get rid of you. Clearly she's got her mind made up about this.

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