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My wife and her possible disorder!


AndyInMckinney

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Sorry everyone, I was in my office and someone came in and saw an email pop up on my screen from this site. They like to lurk so I removed my thread just in case - better to be safe than sorry.

 

So I'm going to keep this post clean and just post current events to the people who really contributed and those that I consider my friends now.

 

I'm sure everyone understands due to the nature of this discussion.

 

Thanks,

Andy

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So here was the last post I made in my previous thread.

 

------------

 

(Annie) Well that's a really good question. I have no idea (it's 3:44).

 

I spoke with the doctor at 12:15 this afternoon and explained that I highly doubt she's going to show. She explained to me that I did all I could and my attempts were admirable - that I really show love and concern for her. Same with our son. She realizes that the stress and emotional strain of what she's doing is extremely hard and she worries about me. She wanted me to write down the three "C's"

 

1. I didn't cause it.

2. I can't cure it.

3. I can't control it.

 

I asked her If I could ask one question. She said of course. I asked, "when someone has this disorder, do they say things to their spouse to distance themselves emotionally". In other words, I think she knows she has to run away to do what she's doing to stop hurting me and our son and she wants me to move on as well as she can't control this disorder. The doctor said, "absolutely".

 

We discussed her treatment and IF she signed on as a patient she wouldn't be able to discuss the details with me. I understood, she did say that she wanted to bring me in early on to hear my side of what's happened.

 

I took care of the financial information and signed all the forms. I'm not sure if or when I'll know.

 

Sigh !

Andy

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As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink... I hope she did keep the appointment.

 

And if she didn't today, if she gets worse, she may realize eventually that she does have a problem and get help. A lot of it has to do with timing...

 

And yes, remember the 3 C's!! You've done everything you can right now, so should just focus on yourself and your son for a while and try to do some relaxing things together since this is all very stressful.

 

Also, don't hesitate to get some counseling sessions for you and your son to help deal with the stress, especially if your wife refuses to get treatment. Families of people with these kinds of problems can be under extreme stress themselves, and counseling can help deal with that.

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lavenderdove,

 

I cannot tell you how much we truly appreciate all the help you've given us. Even though this situation has torn me and our son apart emotionally and physically - you've helped bring light to a situation that we would have never known about. Honestly, we'd give you a big hug right now if we could.

 

I know at this point there is nothing we can do for her, I had a long talk with my son tonight and he understands how I feel and that we're not going to stop loving her. We just have to wait until she wants help. We are blessed with the Psychologist we found - she is a caring person as she's given me more of her time without asking for anything. I spoke with a 3rd Psychologist this afternoon and 30 minutes into our conversation she reminded me that we only had a minute left. I nicely told her thanks but goodbye.

 

I can't help but express that it saddens me so greatly knowing that she's doing this to us and has no control over it. I'm going to continue to update as things occur so I hope that you keep in touch and help keep my focus.

 

The finances have been 100% moved to a new bank in my name only, the phone number service is now through a different provider and I did not port over the old number. The locks are changed and the garage codes were also change. I suspect that she has a new cell phone. That explains why she wasn't paying the bill and her text message activity and usage is almost nothing.

 

Again, thanks so much.

Andy

 

As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink... I hope she did keep the appointment.

 

And if she didn't today, if she gets worse, she may realize eventually that she does have a problem and get help. A lot of it has to do with timing...

 

And yes, remember the 3 C's!! You've done everything you can right now, so should just focus on yourself and your son for a while and try to do some relaxing things together since this is all very stressful.

 

Also, don't hesitate to get some counseling sessions for you and your son to help deal with the stress, especially if your wife refuses to get treatment. Families of people with these kinds of problems can be under extreme stress themselves, and counseling can help deal with that.

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To those who don't know what this post is about or how to help.

I won't be able to provide specifics but my wife has been exhibiting strange behavior the past 6 months and when I sat down to talk to her about it she detached herself by saying that she no longer felt connected - I was a great husband, great father and tried 200% at everything.

 

Problem is, she took a great deal of cash and left her son behind (I'm his step father). I love this kid so much and I can't see how she could do that. Certain individuals on this site pointed out a possible disorder and after much research and discussions with Psychologists - I was able to confirm what was being said. We had no idea.

 

The doctors believe she's Bipolar with a compulsivity component - however she hasn't been fully diagnosed yet. She possibly having a mania episode and you really have to look that up to understand just what that means. There are plenty of bipolar forums and it saddens me to see how many peoples lives are affected by this.

 

My wife's family has had mental illness on her mothers side, she(the mother) was treated for paranoid schizophrenia, her sister is an alcoholic and her oldest sister is HIV positive heroine addict. My wife was the sweetest person in the world, she loved God and had strong values. It wasn't uncommon for her to invite an elderly person sitting by themselves to eat with us. This is just one of many things she did.

 

So she walked out of our lives 5 weeks ago and she's getting worse. She provides no support, has very little contact with her son and even less with me. I attempted to speak with her and express our love for her and offer her help but she refused to listen to me. Her son called the next day asking her to see the doctor we found and she finally agreed - however it was apparent she didn't think she had a problem. She felt we were the ones with the problem. She refuses to see the issues.

 

Today she was supposed to see the doctor and we believe she didn't. I paid a lot of money for her to see this doctor (money is very tight) and she might not have showed up. That means that money was just wasted as the doctor has to be paid if you don't provide notice. I suspect she never even called. Again, no one has heard from her at all and my bank account shows the charge occurred.

 

So I apologize if I can't be more specific but I fear that people I know might be lurking this forum. I'd rather not go into specifics but their are a lot of people that do know the story in all its sad details.

 

Andy

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Well I received an email this morning from the doctor. She indicated that my wife did show for her appointment yesterday but refused subsequent visits. So basically she kept her promise to her son to go but won't return. His hope was that she would keep going - as was mine.

 

Andy

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I'm sorry... but you can't force her to go... At least she has made the contact, and if she should decide she needs help, she can easily call that same doctor back...

 

All you can do now is just go about your life taking care of yourself and your son... and keep working on the path to minimize any harm her behavior might do to yourself and your son.

 

Hang in there... either she eventually realizes she is sick and comes around and gets help, or if she refuses to do that, you have minimized the impact of her behavior on your life. Just make sure you have a legal separation so that you can free yourself from any debt she might incur in the meantime.

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I know and we didn't go into this expecting her to be transformed. We did hope that she'd like the doctor and even perhaps consider going back (at some point). That's all we could hope for.

 

I sat him down last night and we talked for awhile. I explained that we have to let her go as this is what she wants. He asked her to move back and mentioned that I'd pay the bills and move elsewhere - she declined. I explained that this is the struggle she has, she doesn't want to hurt us anymore like she did when she was with us. I told him that we'd just have to move on. The house is now protected, the money is protected, the phone number is changed and she has a terrific doctor (tied to my bank account). We cannot do anything else for her. She only has so much money, no job and shows no signs of stopping what she's doing.

 

I hate seeing him like this, I hate feeling like this. What his heart must feel like having his mom and dad walk out of his life. Drugs(father) and now this situation with his mother. I'm doing all that I can to support him emotionally, I make sure he has good meals (yes I can actually cook), I make him sit down at a dinner table and talk about his day. I ask him what he's been doing and show that I truly care what's going on in his life. We clean the house together and we have each other.

 

I won't pretend that this is easy for me, it's not. I have 'tolerable' days and I have really bad days. My health (loss of weight) has been affected and my emotional stability damaged. Every step I take in my day is me stepping on pieces of our shattered life. I worry about how long my strength will hold, will I snap or can I maintain my composure. I know that time will heal and we'll adjust to what's happened eventually. It's just a sad story, very sad.

 

Andy

 

I'm sorry... but you can't force her to go... At least she has made the contact, and if she should decide she needs help, she can easily call that same doctor back...

 

All you can do now is just go about your life taking care of yourself and your son... and keep working on the path to minimize any harm her behavior might do to yourself and your son.

 

Hang in there... either she eventually realizes she is sick and comes around and gets help, or if she refuses to do that, you have minimized the impact of her behavior on your life. Just make sure you have a legal separation so that you can free yourself from any debt she might incur in the meantime.

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Andy

 

Please can you go and see someone, you can't hold it all in and you need to be strong in case your wife does come back. You have gone through so much, i don't know how you get through the day. Where you have invested money in your wife can i suggest you see a counsellor? If it helps i'm seeing one tomorrow. the whole shattered feeling the misery, anxiety i want it to go i'm sure you do to. there's only so brave and courageous you an be before it takes it toll.

 

eat peroperly

 

annie

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Annie,

 

I can tell you this, If my wife 'wants' to come home she'll have to do a few things before I'll even consider it. First she'll need to regularly attend sessions with the doctor and actually get diagnosed and treated. Second she'll need to be tested (physically). Then we'll talk about coming home.

 

Honestly, I'm not as optimistic as I don't think she'll ever come home. I could be wrong and I hope that I am. I'll eventually get passed this, the pain is tremendous at times and others I feel at peace with myself. I'm forcing myself to eat foods that will help me gain weight. It's the panic sensations I get from time to time that seem to interrupt my eating schedule making me lose my hunger all together.

 

I've got all of you to help me through this. If I felt I was risking my mental and physical help, I'd see a doctor. I'm just deeply hurt and I need time to heal and the support of everyone to help me get through this. Understanding why has helped me tremendously.

 

Andy

 

 

 

 

 

Andy

 

Please can you go and see someone, you can't hold it all in and you need to be strong in case your wife does come back. You have gone through so much, i don't know how you get through the day. Where you have invested money in your wife can i suggest you see a counsellor? If it helps i'm seeing one tomorrow. the whole shattered feeling the misery, anxiety i want it to go i'm sure you do to. there's only so brave and courageous you an be before it takes it toll.

 

eat peroperly

 

annie

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He hates counselors, we've tried to get him into counseling since he was 5. We actually had this talk last night and we were recalling all the counselors we had taken him to. He's a character, he just hates opening himself up to those people - says he cant trust them.

 

He's slowly opening up to me. We've been through a lot together and he hasn't seen me budge or break so I think that makes him feel comfortable. 6 weeks ago we would have never talked about his mother, now we're very open - I just won't share all the traumatic details with him (what's the point of that). I just want him to know I'm here for him, I'm not going anywhere and no one is taking him from the very place he wants to be.

 

Andy

 

I may have missed this somewhere in your posts, but might I suggest some counselling for your son also?
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Andy, i know this doesn't mean much to you know, but honestly, if she is bi polar, it will be easier for you if you do divorce than deal with her moods, unless she is willing to take medication for the rest of her life.

 

Also, all kinds of research has shown that if a child has even ONE stable loving person in their life they will remember and model themselves after that. That person might be a teacher, or a step parent, an aunt, uncle or neighbor. But if they can see ONE person acting well and treating them right amidst all the chaos, they will not lose hope. They may be sad etc. which is normal for such a situation, but if you are a steady guiding force, they will come out OK and have a sense of security they wouldn't have if they either lived with an unstable parent or had no one strong normal person in their life.

 

So you are doing the right thing. Just be there for him, try to keep a normal life and routine going for him. Ask him now and then how he's doing or if he wants to talk, but otherwise just go about the normal business one would do with a child of his age group. You will have a tremendous positive effect on him, even if his mother is having major problems.

 

Children of alcoholics and people with mental illness often grow up to be very empathetic and wise people, because they had to deal with so much at a young age. So this may be hard for him, but he is learning a lot, about how to behave positively, and how to deal with the curves life throws one's way.

 

So try to spend some FUN time with him now, just restoring as much of a sense of normalcy as you can under the circumstances.

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Andy

 

i understand the panic, dark, misery, sad feelings. I get them too, the last two days were awful, this morning i got up felt a lot better had my first counselling session, felt better after that, booked my second one. i've also started to question certain things and feel stronger within myself, anything thats bothering me about my past relationship and my ex i'm making anote of it so when i go back to my next counselling session i'll have alist of things i want to go through.

 

I've realised to get over the heartache and pain is for me to understand why the person iloved and cared so much for did what they did and why they treated me like this so i can make sense of the situation.

 

Speaking to the counsellor is not like talking to me or you or friends or close family its an impartial person whose trained to understand relationship dynamics and behaviour of people and why they do what they do. They have a way of expalining things that makes it so much clearer.

 

For yourself at least until your son is ready...i suggest you talk to someone about your heartache who can on a professional level help you make sense of all the mess. trust me you may not think it but it will help you. i wasn't too sure about it initially but i thank god that i got the courage to turn to someone when i needed it.

 

i'm always here if you need to talk

annie

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