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Well I had been doing ok for the most part. 6 months out of the relationship now and there are a lot of things I miss... not so much her, but more I miss myself in that relationship, that relationship. It was my only serious relationship I have ever had so its hard for me to see beyond it.

 

I am very lonely, and very angry.

 

I have been in a funk for the last two months probably since I first had contact with her again on my birthday and she told me she missed me, then started talking about wanting to get back together with me, only to change her tune later that day and say she wanted to stay with the guy she left me for.

 

Anyways, today, a friend at work was asking some things and we were talking about that whole situation and he wanted to see a picture of her, so i brought up her facebook page (yes I know, the devil) I thought I would be ok, but I saw that she is now engaged to the guy she left me for. It really really bothered me.

 

So even though I have done some amazing things for myself in the last 6 months, and even though I know she is really rushing this new relationship of hers, especially considering she told me she spent new years eve crying to her boyfriend about me, then called me with that, I just cant shake this feeling. I know I am WAY better off without her, but I am stuck and I just havent moved on. And even though I am doing things for myself, and it is MUCH MUCH easier now to get through the days, she is on my mind EVERY day. I just cant get past this and I am really suffering.

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You are getting past this, but there are always days/moments that you feel you are not going anywhere. Put it this way, you know you are getting over her when you can no longer even contemplate a relationship with her and while i'm sure you still think of her, do you still think of her and you in terms of a relationship?

 

When you see someone who hurt you move on and get engaged etc it's difficult because you are the one that has suffered, yet she is the one seemingly happy and content with her life. But and it's a big but, you know that she isn't........she is just doing what she has always done. At least you have the chance now to find who you are and to live an authentic life.

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You are getting past this, but there are always days/moments that you feel you are not going anywhere. Put it this way, you know you are getting over her when you can no longer even contemplate a relationship with her and while i'm sure you still think of her, do you still think of her and you in terms of a relationship?

 

When you see someone who hurt you move on and get engaged etc it's difficult because you are the one that has suffered, yet she is the one seemingly happy and content with her life. But and it's a big but, you know that she isn't........she is just doing what she has always done. At least you have the chance now to find who you are and to live an authentic life.

 

The answer to question 1 is no, I dont think of me and her in terms of a relationship anymore. In fact, except maybe in moments of weakness I would no longer consider a relationship with her even if she came back begging. I would be lying if I told you that there isnt that 1 in a billion part of me that would potentially consider it if she was able to prove somehow that she was sincere... but I know that will never happen and Im actually kind of glad.

 

And the second part, yes, it pisses me off that she "seems" able to move on so completely while I am left stuck and floundering. I know she is not completely happy, she has told me this herself. Not to mention that she is clearly rushing her relationship. But in reality, I am more upset at myself that I am still stuck on this.

 

I want to live an authentic life for me, but its just so hard to discover that life, and it just seems so impossible for me to imagine myself getting to a point where I dont think of her, where I dont still miss the relationship, where I am just... happy.

 

After a break up. Facebook is your worst enemy.

 

Yes, I am well aware of this fact. I havent had the desire to look for months. But as I said, I was talking with a friend at work and I figured, ehh what the hell.

 

She has been reblocked again, and will only possibly earn an unblock far into the future.

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I don't know if it ever really ends. I mean you will stop thinking about her everyday eventually. But she was your first big relationship, and I don't care what anyone says but people never seem to totally every forget their first big relationship. I have been with so many spoiled guys who were ruined by the "one" relationship. Even my most recent ex kept bringing up how did didn't want to go through that again. I hated being compared to her.

 

I still talk to my first love. I talked about it in another post. He was my first real relationship and my first love. We were together for three years. It was not easy getting over him, but I did it somehow. I was single for an entire year before I could even date again. The only way to really be able to move on is to be able to take the leap of faith again. Don't be like my ex andcompare everyone to this girl that sounds like she didn't even deserve you. When you can take the leap again you are ready. (Unfortunately I have taken the leap three times now and I keep ended up back in this awful break up pain spot, but I can tell you it gets a little easier each time though).

 

Anyhow I think I strayed from the point I wanted to make. I don't think anyone ever totally forgets their first real relationship. I still talk to my first love from time to time. We have managed to stay friends for the past 6 years (broke up 7 years ago). He is always changing his number, and once he popped into my head so I went out of my way to find his new number. Other times he has contacted me out of the blue. Sometimes I find myself wondering if we could get back together, or thinking that I miss what we had seven years ago. Sometimes he calls me and tells me he misses me. Last time we went out together we kissed for the first time in seven years. He made the move and I got mad at him. He lives with his new girlfriend of 4 1/2 years now.

 

Point is that we still think about each other sometimes, and it has been 7 years.

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Think of the good thing in knowing she has moved and and no chance is coming back altho you say you wouldnt take her back anyway.

What is sounds like is that you are being really selfish. yes I said you are being selfish. You were wondering what about ME, she left ME, you feel entitled to some respect or a big thank you for all you did. ME ME ME ME. How could she left ME, did she think of ME.

Who cares? When it comes to her, its not about you anymore. She is living her own life now without you. You cant look back and think ME ME ME. I did the same thing. And it only lead me down heartbreak road longer.

You have to get rid of the selfishness. Quit thinking in terms of ME. You cant go back to the past thinking all you did for her, all you shared, everything she said or did. Its gone.

You are wanting a big "oh thank you for being so wonderful and loving" arent you? You want her to acknowlege you did great things and you feel entitled to that. You want your praise from her and yeah she might of moved on, but you feel you deserve it.

Am I right? I know cause I felt that way to. But a friend of mine pointed out to me that Im being selfish and insecure. Get rid of them and I can function and move on. And I did and I moved on quite nicely.

Accept she is gone, if you have not deleted her from your past, do so. (if you intend to move on) No longer think of her anymore. She is not worth your brain power. If she sneaks into your memory again, breath nice and deep and imagine her black mist leaving your body with every exhale. Let her go. Doesnt matter what you feel you deserve, its irrelevent. Who cares? She moved on, go make yourself happy and move on yourself.

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well then this shows that you are getting past this. Look back at your threads of 3 months ago if you need the proof. Your language and attitude is totally different.

 

I think she is not the issue here.......i think the issue is that you still haven't quite found your own way yet.......haven't quite found what Mustachio wants from life . Just try things and make small achievable goals for the next 6 months......and 6 months after that.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. You were in a shi!!y relationship for 5 years in which you totally lost yourself. It takes time to unwind that damage and rebuild your life. Just let go a bit more and enjoy the journey.......don't be in such a rush to get to the destination.

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Oh I know I will never forget her. I just want to be at a point where she is out of my thoughts on a daily basis... a place where I am no longer hurting from the things she did and just rather indifferent. I am not there yet. I hurt and I am angry. And right now, having her in my life is the last thing I want, at least not the her that she is reality.

 

 

 

A couple things, honestly. When it comes to anything relating to me and her, I have every right to be selfish because of the way she treated me and the way she ended things. Insecure maybe, because I dont know who I am and I havent found anything other than the fantasy of her where I really felt I knew my place in life.

 

And you are also wrong. I dont want her to acknowledge anything about how great I was or anything of the sort. In fact, I really dont want any contact with her right now. I am more pissed that I allowed myself to be in a situation where I was so hurt by someone who could seemingly move on so quickly from something that lasted almost 7 years.

 

 

 

I know I am getting past this, but I just feel like this journey has no real end. Its all just small incremental updates... The only thing that has changed is that I see things more clearly. I still have most if not all the same feelings.

 

And no, I havent found my place and I am really struggling with that. And I really dont have any clue how to do it.

 

Also... 7 years, not 5.

 

And I only want to rush it because I go from periods of just flat blah, to times where I feel like crap. I want to be happy or at least content, and its hard right now finding anything on a semi permanent basis that does that.

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Its okay, If I am wrong, thats cool. But you know what your problem is. 7yrs is a long time, I know it hurts. It sucks and its not a situation I want to be in.

Im here for you bro. We all hurt, myself included. I miss my X but I dont want her back. I have my own happiness and its getting stronger by the day. I try to think positive. I have a good job, I have a roof over my head, I have food, and I am healthy and doing all I can to make myself healthier and happier. The only thing that is missing is now a love life, but for the most part, I think I am okay. I am a lot better off than other people.

So why dont you go out there and make yourself happy. Pain and fear will always find you. But true happiness is something you have to work for even tho you deserve it. You like me deserve to be happy. I know with your Girl it was magical, amazing and a great life, but it doesnt mean it cant happen again. You are 26. So many years a head of you my friend. You can date a girl for 3 yrs and still be under 30. I just turned 40 and I have been thru some really hard setbacks, but if you get knocked down 8 times you get up 9 times. You were knocked down hard. Its okay, stand back up, dust yourself off, go find your identity again. Find out what makes you happy. once you do, I can say with 100% certainty, some girl will come up to you, smile and say HI.. and you will feel that connection again.

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She's engaged???? She definitely didn't learn much..I hope this gives you some hope because you are now trying to stray away from old patterns and that gives you a better possibility for a great relationship, whenever it may come.

 

No need to be angry at yourself. You get it, she's not worth it. But it was 7 years, good or bad it was a long time. And just because we understand something logically doesn't mean you instantly get over it. Along with the end of this relationship your belief system has possibly changed and maybe even your sense of identity. I feel like I should trust myself, love myself..but I don't know who myself is, something inside has massively changed. Stuff like that takes time. I suggest you challenge your self with something new like an activity. Do something new. I did it last week and it helped.

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When you say you see things clearer now that's a huge step. My relationship was only just under 4 yrs long but I believe no matter the length we go through the same motions...

 

Overwhelmed by emotions,

Start to see the relationship for what it was,

Logic and clear thought starts to take over (I believe this is where both u and I are),

Wholly positive outlook on ourselves and limited emotions/thoughts of the ex,

Truly let go.

 

I feel like we're in the same boat in terms of not wanting to get back with the ex. I have my many reasons but the most prominent being I just can't see myself respecting him anytime soon. He, like your ex, is moving absurdly fast with someone new and not growing and learning. He admitted he's lost and said he's sorry for not fighting thru with me, however he's not doing anything to make me want him back. Having those thoughts and feelings are nostalgic and that's what we hold onto, faint memories. Only when we see them for who they are and see us for what we are, can we take a step forward and do what's best for us.

 

As for not knowing your place and what to do, get out and take a course in something you've had interest in or something just to better yourself. I intend on building the best life I can for myself and unfortunately that doesn't involve my ex and I see he's even more lost than I am. If anyone said it's easy then you know they told a lie. We all struggle to find where we belong but the only thing holding you back is you.

 

You are far from alone so don't let this drag you down in any way. I think what drags me down is how I seem to be struggling so much right now with the break and what it's done to me but look around, everyone's struggling with something. We should be thankful our struggle is with ourselves and we'll pull through. It could be so much worse. Seize the day!

 

Okay enough pep talk for now. But really, thinking positively is the only way to go.

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Its okay, If I am wrong, thats cool.

 

You like me deserve to be happy. I know with your Girl it was magical, amazing and a great life, but it doesnt mean it cant happen again. You are 26. So many years a head of you my friend.

 

Find out what makes you happy. once you do, I can say with 100% certainty, some girl will come up to you, smile and say HI.. and you will feel that connection again.

 

Well its not that you are completely wrong. Its just that I dont want anything from her anymore... I am just not happy with the way things are, and all I have to compare it to is this fantasy in my head of the way things were with my ex.

 

And no, in reality, it wasnt magical, it wasnt amazing, and it wasnt a great life. But it wasnt all bad, and there was at least (perceived) stability, and direction... now there is neither.

 

I wish I could find what makes me happy, but really, I have just had a lot of really small moments of happiness overshadowed by an overwhelming flat dullness, sort of like a real mild depression, mixed with days of extreme loneliness and anger/sadness like today.

 

She's engaged???? She definitely didn't learn much..I hope this gives you some hope because you are now trying to stray away from old patterns and that gives you a better possibility for a great relationship, whenever it may come.

 

No need to be angry at yourself. You get it, she's not worth it. But it was 7 years, good or bad it was a long time. And just because we understand something logically doesn't mean you instantly get over it. Along with the end of this relationship your belief system has possibly changed and maybe even your sense of identity. I feel like I should trust myself, love myself..but I don't know who myself is, something inside has massively changed. Stuff like that takes time. I suggest you challenge your self with something new like an activity. Do something new. I did it last week and it helped.

 

Yea I do know all this, and I know from her last conversations with me that she should in no way be in a serious relationship, let alone buying a house with this guy and getting engaged to him. But thats not my problem. What got me today is the perceived notion that she is living out the life she wants... the life I thought I was going to have with her, with another guy and here I am.

 

Yes, I lost my identity, rather I lost the identity I had built that was entwined in that relationship. But... I find myself now with only a tiny shred of identity left. I was in that relationship almost my whole adult life.

 

I am struggling now to find my place, to find my own happiness, but I just dont know where to begin, so things like today really still affect me. And I just cant seem to envision myself with anyone else... As I see it now, my happiness still seems to need another person there with me. And right now I am stuck between wanting to really find a new love to share my life with and make me happy (since I dont quite think Im ready) and looking back to a clearly bad relationship that was all I knew.

 

When you say you see things clearer now that's a huge step. My relationship was only just under 4 yrs long but I believe no matter the length we go through the same motions...

 

Overwhelmed by emotions,

Start to see the relationship for what it was,

Logic and clear thought starts to take over (I believe this is where both u and I are),

Wholly positive outlook on ourselves and limited emotions/thoughts of the ex,

Truly let go.

 

I feel like we're in the same boat in terms of not wanting to get back with the ex. I have my many reasons but the most prominent being I just can't see myself respecting him anytime soon. He, like your ex, is moving absurdly fast with someone new and not growing and learning. He admitted he's lost and said he's sorry for not fighting thru with me, however he's not doing anything to make me want him back. Having those thoughts and feelings are nostalgic and that's what we hold onto, faint memories. Only when we see them for who they are and see us for what we are, can we take a step forward and do what's best for us.

 

As for not knowing your place and what to do, get out and take a course in something you've had interest in or something just to better yourself. I intend on building the best life I can for myself and unfortunately that doesn't involve my ex and I see he's even more lost than I am. If anyone said it's easy then you know they told a lie. We all struggle to find where we belong but the only thing holding you back is you.

 

You are far from alone so don't let this drag you down in any way. I think what drags me down is how I seem to be struggling so much right now with the break and what it's done to me but look around, everyone's struggling with something. We should be thankful our struggle is with ourselves and we'll pull through. It could be so much worse. Seize the day!

 

Okay enough pep talk for now. But really, thinking positively is the only way to go.

 

Yea, Im trying really hard to keep my chin up on all this... but Im honestly getting really tired of what feels like putting on a facade of being ok to hide the fact that Im just not ok. Getting very tired of faking it, when all the bad is there just below the surface. Positive thinking just feels like a front.

 

A lot of it stems from my own personal "faults" in the sense that I dont know who I am, I dont know my place in the world and I just dont know how to find any direction. I keep coming back to the only direction I have really felt in my entire adult life was with her.

 

Otherwise, yes, the exact same boat. I cant imagine myself ever getting back together with my ex. Not because I dont respect her... which I dont, but because I am not sure I would ever trust her again... But the real kicker is that I dont think I could ever respect myself if I went back. Yet at the same time, without being able to see forward and currently see myself finding a new love and finding happiness with another, I am stuck looking back, which just really sucks and can still bring me so far down even after all this time.

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Remember this: Happiness is something that comes from within and not from what another person can do for us.

 

It's obvious that you feel lost. We all do once this happens. I'm still trying to find my way and so are countless others. Exes were very much part of us and were best friends so it's natural to feel like we have no sense of direction once they're gone.

 

Fake it till you make it. Smile even if you don't want to. You're letting things out of your control drag you down. So did I. There comes a point where I had to just sit down and wonder why I was dwelling on him so much. It's a loss, and like any loss must be mourned. But there has to be an end to it. Not saying you'll ever be completely at ease with what happened but you'll accept it and move on. Whether or not she re-enters your life, right now that's not going to help you in any way. I'm sure you know that.

 

Do things you've always wanted to do. Go for a long drive to somewhere new, bike, draw, cook, visit friends... Improve yourself for you.

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Loxxt, thanks for the reply. I know that happiness comes from within and not from what others can offer. At the same time I know that others can offer me that something extra that we cant necessarily find from within.

 

I am just really struggling to find my own happiness. I do the drives, I hang out with friends... about finding hobbies and other stuff, just havent yet. Everything I have done so far has seemed more like a temporary boost rather than anything that will actually make me happy in the long run. Nothing has really given me that drive or desire to keep going. Motivation is sorely lacking and nothing really gives me anything to look forward to and I go right back to feeling blah. I have been working with my therapist on this, and I just havent found anything.

 

The worst part about all that is that I spent all the years most normal people try to figure this out, with my ex girlfriend. And while in that relationship I lived in a fantasy, it gave me direction and motivation in life outside of my personal things and in some ways that was better and I long for that sort of direction and motivation again because I am struggling to find it on my own, and really really struggling.

 

About faking it till you make it... its wearing very very thin. For the most part I am doing alright. I have accepted the loss and accepted that its over and for the most part I am ok with it, but under the surface there is something missing and faking it well... its just so fake.

 

I have plans to write down some goals and start figuring things out, but its just so so hard, especially with my ex on my mind every day. I want to be done with this, I really really want it to just be done.

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I just suggested the "fake it till you make it" plan cuz it helps to kickstart a new way of thinking. But if it's not working, don't fret. I was like a zombie for almost a month. Didn't laugh or really talk and when I did it was about my ex over analyzing, theorizing what I think will happen (ironically enough everything I've said has happened so far!). It may not seem like you're making much progress but you are slowly making some, so that's something you should be proud of. You have the want to do it, you just need to find that inner strength and motivation to follow through.

 

Focus on her negatives, on what YOU want (don't say her ). Do whatever it takes for you to realize you're holding yourself back. You deserve good things but if you keep yourslf down, you're missing out on opportunities. You could very well miss out on finding your place in life and the girl of your dreams.

 

Like I said, everyone's struggling. It's those who have goals and work towards them and focus on them while pushing aside the negative that achieve happiness within themselves. Say no to those "blah" feelings. I'm sure you have hobbies and interests so pursue those and maybe you'll find where you'll be happy. It's good that you're making a list of goals. Start small and work towards them then make bigger ones. I'm sure your therapist said this, but we are in control of our emotions. You'll only be down as long as you let yourself stay like that.

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Well thanks again.

 

I am just at the point where faking it is bothering me because there is something wrong just under the surface. I know Im making progress, but I still feel like crap. And whats worse is that she seems completely moved on (even though I know she isnt) and I am certainly not moved on yet.

 

I dont need to focus on her negatives, I dont want her back at this point... in fact I really dont know if there is anything I want from her, other than a small desire on my part to inflict some of the same pain on her that she inflicted on me. But, Im just not a cruel person, and I obviously dont have the kind of power over her anymore to inflict any real sort of pain without doing something crazy and probably illegal... again, not me.

 

I am just trying to figure out my goals, but its just so hard when the motivation to figure things out and do them is close to nonexistant. At best, I am restless in my current situation and thats probably as close to motivation as I have.

 

I really just want to be free of her, free of this funk and just have her out of my head so I can finally live and not just exist day to day.

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