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So my dad has Stage 4 Lung Cancer..


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The last time I seen my dad before I found out he had cancer he looked healthy, and overall pretty good for a 47 year old man... Then last month I got a call from my sister and she told me she had taken dad to the hospital because he had some blood clots in his leg.. I figured okay.. serious but not to serious.. the next day I get a phone call from my mom and she tells me my Dad has got lung cancer.. At this point I'm still trying to think positive.. and then well it turns into a nightmare. They tell me dad has got maybe a year or two... So I'm still thinking to myself okay I still got a little time... then the news just gets worse... now its five weeks to five months...

 

My mom wants me to move down to be close to my dad, and I do... but at the same time I finally made it full time at my job.. and just now started getting my life on track... I honestly do not know what to do...

 

Now do not think I do not love my dad because I do... hell he is practically my best friend and when I was a teenager I did almost everything with him... And I do want to be there with him... but what should I do? Move down there? Or just spend as much time with him as I can?

 

This whole situation has taken a heavy toll on me.. and I know it has on my family, as well... and I don't want to fight with anybody because of all the times this is the worst time to be fighting... but it has caused tension inside my family...

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I am so sorry to hear this.

 

I honestly have no idea about what you should do as far as moving. That is a really tough decision.

 

If you think you will suffer extreme guilt from not moving there to be with him- in the scheme of life 5 months is not all that long- so perhaps it is best that you follow your heart on this one, even if it means giving up your job. The ideal would be if you could move temporarily. Is there any chance of getting a leave from your job?

 

In the U.S. you are guarenteed 12 weeks out under the FMLA link removed and they have to have a job for you- though if you just started as full time you will need ot read into more.

 

Maybe visit him now (if you have vacation or sick time that you can take) to assess the situation, and then if things get worse, start using your 12 weeks under FMLA.

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First, I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be very painful.

 

If you're concerned about how much time you have, I know from experience that lung cancer can spread very quickly. A coworker of mine was diagnosed with lunch cancer back in November. By January it had spread to her brain. She ended up having a stroke and went into a coma, and passed away late January. It can take someone very quickly.

 

If I were in your shoes I would explain the situation to your employer and try to understand your full realm of options. For example, you might have personal leave you might be able to take advantage of--or the option to work remotely. My instinct would be to pursue these options over relocating and quitting my job, but of course this is a personal decision that only you can make.

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First I will say I'm very sorry to hear this, my best to you and your family during this time.

In terms of your question I think moving down there and losing your job would not be wise. I doubt your dad wants you do lose what you've earned career wise, so I would just try to get some time off and spend as much of it with him as you can.

 

Call him, visit and just be supportive.

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First I will say I'm very sorry to hear this, my best to you and your family during this time.

In terms of your question I think moving down there and losing your job would not be wise. I doubt your dad wants you do lose what you've earned career wise, so I would just try to get some time off and spend as much of it with him as you can.

 

Call him, visit and just be supportive.

 

I agree. With the economy being what it is, would he want you to perhaps not be able to find another job? Perhaps when you see him next, explain, and ask what he would like you to do.

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Oh, Dis, I am so, so very sorry for you and your family!

 

I agree with the other posters about your best interests being keeping your job - not only for the state of the economy, but also because your father might feel badly or even guilty to know you have given up your job to come be with him, as noble of a gesture as it is. I would say just go to him as often as you can, write to him in the meantime, and for whatever he is able to give to you, collect as much of him as possible - on videotape, in writing, answers to questions about himself you may never have thought to ask before, his memories, his hopes and thoughts for you and your family in the future - anything at all to have from him, to live on after he is done fighting this terrible fight, and has gone on to a peaceful place to rest.

 

Again, please accept my deepest condolences. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I won't tell you what to do but I will tell you what I did because I was in your exact shoes.

 

almost three years ago, I was living away from my family. I had my boyfriend (who I am still with now), my whole new life built in this town.

 

my grampa (who WAS a father to me) was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer mid may. he decided in june not to do the treatments because they made him so sick.

 

my life at the time was spiraling out of control... between losing my gramps, me and my boyfriend fighting, a few other bad things my grandma asked me to move in with her and help take care of my grampa (2 hours away from my boyfriend and life I had knew at the time).

 

now, three years later I realize she was asking me to move in because she was afraid to be alone after he died.

 

well... my gramps passed away in august... 3 months after his diagnosis. I lived with my grandma for two years after that... long distance with my boyfriend.

 

I just moved back to be with him this past summer....

 

if I had to do it all again, I would in a heartbeat. I made it back in time to barely see my gramps "normal" for the last time. The week after I moved in he died, and I am so thankful for the time i had with him... I kick myself every day for not spending more time with him before the sickness.

 

 

losing him was the HARDEST thing I have ever had to go thru... and it was during one of the worst times of my life. I truly believe I am stronger from it all but not a day goes by that I don't think of the last time I told him I loved him.

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by the way, I do not want to be a downer. but I researched like hell what stage four was when I found out he was sick, and I read everywhere they said 1-2 years. which I hated to begin with, but he died so fast.... it is serious business. I am not saying your father will be the same, everyone is different. my grampa did NOT do treatment so that is a major factor in his decline... I just hope you do have that time with him... just wanted to give you all the info.

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  • 1 month later...

I lost my father to this terrible disease two weeks ago and I am completely at a loss for answers. I am the oldest of five girls, two of which are 1/2 sisters that I did not even know until right before dad died. I flew one home. Anyways, I will tell you this, as regret is incredibly hard to swallow.

1. Move if you can

2. Enjoy every moment you can with your dad, don't be too busy

3. Slow down and talk to him

4. Do things you always wanted to, even a small trip if you can

5. Discuss what he wants done when he is gone

 

I wish with all my heart someone had pounded this in my head. Don't get me wrong, I was a good daughter, He was NEVER alone and died by me in the hospital bed, but even then, I tell you the above from the heart.

 

Jeannie

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dis, so sorry you and your family have to deal with this. I lost my father to lung cancer 3/14 of this year, so felt compelled to chime in here.

 

This is my first post here. Found this forum from Google in an attempt to connect with someone at 1:30 a.m. that is going or has gone through what I'm experiencing. I was fortunate to have an understanding employer and accrued vacation time so I could help take care of my Dad, but unfortunately he passed away within 1 week of my arrival. I don't wish to alarm you, but we were told Dad had 6 to 12 months in February and he passed within 4 weeks. Point being you may have far less time to spend with your Dad than you think.

 

I'm a banker, and can tell you that regardless of reports that the economy is improving, it is not. The stock markets have improved, but that largely benefits the wealthier of the population. There are still millions of hard-working Americans unemployed and more getting laid off every week. Jobs are VERY difficult to come by, particularly in your chosen field. A protracted stay with your family will be hard to negotiate with your employer, but most are very accommodating in these situations. These things really depend on your relationship with your Dad and the family dynamics. I visited as much as possible on weekends until his condition started rapidly deteriorating, then took 2 weeks of vacation that unfortunately ended up sufficient to spend his last days with him and then carry out the funeral arrangements. However, I have a wife and son to support, so not working was not a viable option for me.

 

Just make sure you have no unresolved grievances with your father, so he can be at peace with you when he passes on and you don't saddle yourself with guilt. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

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