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Neediness: different for men and women?


icarus27

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The answer's Yes, really my question is Why.

 

Here's the context. Apologies, it's a cut-and-paste from one of Ammy's threads where I told the same story to back up a point. But I need some input on it myself.

 

Last year I had a first date with an apparently nice girl, who was good enough to ask me out again at the end of it. Because it was at short notice, I had to wait a day to confirm, but did so enthusiastically. She then changed the plan to the following week. Then had to change that too. I asked her to an event at the wknd to reciprocate, she said she would've loved the event, but was working shifts (she was a doctor). The next two weeks I texted her two more meet-up ideas, she would reply to say she was working nights one week, then going to a conference the next. I suggested I'd call her - there was no enthusiastic response, no "Speak to you soon" - so I got busy with other things. Her conference week ended, and she then dropped off the face of the planet.

 

Did I do anything wrong? What I did was, I mirrored contact. Since she texted once in 3-4 days, I did the same. Because each time, it seemed like we could be meeting in the next few days anyway (until she kept changing plans on me that is), I actually resisted calling her. I didn't want to appear clingy.

 

In a situation like this one, where does a guy draw the line between

(i) coming accross as a guy with a healthy social life who is not waiting around

(ii) coming accross as doesn't-care

 

Looking back:

- if I had called her, and made silly small talk, and she ditched me anyway (which is the way I think it would have gone), I'd feel more embarrassed now.

- but if I had called her, she might have understood that I liked her.

 

The thing is, I am not into all this wait-2-days-before-you-call nonsense.

I just felt it was not right to crowd this girl out with phone calls at a stage when she was offering to meet in a few days anyway. But then when she kept changing plans 2-3 times, I sensed a 'flake' here.

 

No harshness, in the end, she might just be a doctor with too full of a professional life to really be dating. But I always question my MO.

 

Oh and one last thing, two months have passed. I saw her profile online was active, messaged a Hi and What happened after your conference? No response. She's blanking me. Ideas anyone?

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I think arguments could be made as to what exactly you did or did not do. I think that you have to look at the bottom line. This girl was attempting to distance herself from you, for whatever reason.

 

The only effective response that I have seen to that kind of behavior is running into her and getting some face time. Otherwise youre out of luck. This girl was not that interested.

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This girl was attempting to distance herself from you, for whatever reason.

 

Daywalker,

 

Hmm. Do you mean, asking me out to two different events, attempting to spend time with me, then attempting to distance herself from me?

 

Huh?

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Daywalker,

 

Hmm. Do you mean, asking me out to two different events, attempting to spend time with me, then attempting to distance herself from me?

 

Huh?

 

I have something similar right now as well. She's asked me out twice, and the times haven't worked out. Now it seems she's kind of put off by it. Hmmm. I'll let you know when I've solved the puzzle.

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She may have been responsive (at first), but she kept cancelling plans and turning down your invites . At the end of the day, it amounts to the same thing - it's not a gender thing, but I would move on (as you can see, she is not too busy to keep her profile active).

 

I don't think you are needy - but I think after she cancelled plans the second time would have been the time to probably move on from her. Just my 2 cents worth.

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She was distancing herself from you when you began to make plans and she told you that she was preoccupied for the next couple of weeks and eventually as you put it "she fell off the planet"

 

As I said previously, arguments could be made that you were or werent being needy but the point is that she was not interested in you enough to keep up contact with you after that two week period in which she was preoccupied.

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I don't think you did anything wrong. She was interested a bit and then changed her mind. Happens all the time.

 

Sometimes guys don't want to come accross needy because this is what they don't like in a girl. But they run the risk of appearing indifferent. Because the guy that is not that interested and the guy that doesn't wanna appear clingy have a very similar approach.

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Ideas anyone?

 

It sounds like she lost interest, and that could be due to any number of things- overloaded at work, she met someone else, who knows? I think you handled the situation just fine. There's no concrete rule about how not to appear needy- what is "clingy" behavior to some will seem absolutely wonderful to others. I think if someone is emotionally healthy, really desires a relationship, and is attracted to you, they are not going to nitpick, judge and dismiss you about little things (i.e.- he/she is texting too much, they were 5 minutes late, etc.). I think if you & the person you are dating have those 3 things (emotionally healthy, wanting a relationship, attracted) then things really do tend to flow smoothly and just click.

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It sounds like she lost interest, and that could be due to any number of things- overloaded at work, she met someone else, who knows? I think you handled the situation just fine. There's no concrete rule about how not to appear needy- what is "clingy" behavior to some will seem absolutely wonderful to others. I think if someone is emotionally healthy, really desires a relationship, and is attracted to you, they are not going to nitpick, judge and dismiss you about little things (i.e.- he/she is texting too much, they were 5 minutes late, etc.). I think if you & the person you are dating have those 3 things (emotionally healthy, wanting a relationship, attracted) then things really do tend to flow smoothly and just click.

I agree. When I am into someone, I am not turned off at all by lots of contact from them - I rather like it.

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