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Even after counseling were going in circles. Im so sad and depressed. This isnt me anymore!


lovelysummer

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I got married at 18 and pregnant at 19 and now 10 years and one more baby later I’m unhappy and want a separation. We have gone though ups and downs and even counseling over a year ago and were back to the same place in our relationship. If we didn’t have the kids I’m sure we wouldn’t be together. We wouldn’t have worked on our relationship.

When were good were really good and best friends. But were more like room mates or friends then anything. He doesn’t notice me, complement me, doesn’t seem to care or think of my feelings or anything. I don’t remember the last time he asked “how are you?” or “I like your new haircut” there’s weeks that go by that I swear he doesn’t even look at me. I know it sounds whiny and stuff but I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he rolls his eyes and says “I do too” and that’s just the start of it. He is 6 years older then me and ill be honest… much more mentally older then me. I am more of a free spirit and go with the flow girl and he is a strict worrier and procrastinator. He is also a splendid father! My boys just adore and look up to him. He glows when he is around the kids but I seem to come in and ruin it.

But regardless we have fun and made it work. I did some things and said things in the past that I have been sorry for and made up for that he still brings up.

According to my husband he’s never at fault and I’m the screwed up one. I just might be but if I’m so messed up… I wish he would leave me! I’m finished living like this and going in circles. I believe I do deserve to be appreciated and wanted. But I also believe that my boys deserve a family that I never had. They are so innocent, trusting and kind boys. I give my all for them but I don’t know what to do… I’m so tired and depressed…But I put on a smile just for those beautiful babies of mine! I’ve heard people say don’t stay together because of the kids… But its so much easier said then done! Also… I moved 2000 miles away from my mom to live near his family and friends. I have no money and no job. I’m a full time mom and volunteer. If I had somewhere to go near us… I honestly believe I would have left. I need advice!

 

 

Well. No I didnt have an affair. "free spirit" "go with the flow" just means i dont stress. Ive had 2 MAJOR surguries and I cant let things get to me. Im not from a big city and we have an easy going way of life.

 

He used to be all over me but after we had moved to be near his family and friends it all changed. We were going to separate and then I found out I was pregnant. So we worked it out. After 3 years and more drama with the family (nothing to do with me) I found myself at a new job and new friends and he didnt like the idea of me having friends he didnt know personally. We both were not happy and I was going out with other people (i was just 22yrs old after 2 babies) He belived I cheated on him and maybe thats where it got bad but even before that he wasnt there for me. BUT then we were gonna separate again so we went to councling... A lot came out about how different we are and other things ... long story shorter... lol ... No, he wont take me out on date nights. Im not a priority. Ive asked him and hes to tired for that. He was out last night though with his friends. We have never had trouble lauging together or hanging out together. Im just loosing that feeling a woman should have for her husband and Im so tired of all of this. I almost feel like hes doing it on purpose so I will leave? I dont know...

 

Oh and he would keep bringing up that I went out once and didnt come home till 4am. Well Its not a big deal I just had too much to drink and didnt want to drive. So I hung out at the beach with my friends till we were all sober enough to drive home. I did call him but he never answers when I call. He swears he didnt know what I was up to... but thats just it... Ive done nothing! Hes done his share of getting drunk with the guys and I dont mind. I trust him. But Im not allowed apparently. So thats what the issue is... I cant go with the girls... because I must be out fooling around?? I dont go all the time and its maybe once every 2 months IF THAT!! there has been MONTHS that I dont see my friends! Ok.. i hope this helps you guys give me advice. Thanks!!

 

Yes.. He knows all of this.. we talked about it and agrue about it all the time. He met my friends (that i havent worked with in 8 months) about 2 months ago because were still close and keep in touch. AND I ALWAYS invited him to go out with us... he just always refused. That even happened last weekend with a different group of friends. He refeused to go agian.

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If all it takes to keep me happy is to tell me he thinks about me or pay me a little complement or SOMETHING to show he does still want me... something like a sweet text message ANYTHING and Id turn into mush for him all over again... why wouldnt he want to do that?? I dont know... Im done.

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It takes two to make or break a relationship. Which makes me wonder what has happened to cause such a rift between you. When you posted that you were a free spirit, my first thought is that you cheated on him, he tried to forgive you, cant and is resentful because of it. But he doesnt want to hurt your boys either, so he's riding it out, and staying for the kids.

 

You ask why he wont send a text or something...if you had an affair, and it's caused him to lose respect and admiration for you, then he is not really attracted to you any longer.

 

I am just hypothisizing....so I could be totally off base, here!

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You sound like I did a couple months ago, I agree with above.

 

Marriage takes 2 to make it work. Do you guys still have date night? Sex? Do you still laugh together? Are you still in love?

 

Has something happened recently for all this to be coming on or is it normal?

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Welcome to ENA,

I think a little more info would be helpful. What did you do that he keeps bringing up?

 

Often times being a parent and everyday life gets in the way of who we are. We focus so much on the family and kids we loose the connection we had.

It takes effort to get this connection back. Like mentioned above date nights are great as long as you are completely free and not worried about getting back to take care of the children. Taking walks together is a very simple way of getting to know each other again.

 

You both have lost sight of what is important.

Lost

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Lovely, get back in counseling. Did either of you have a problem with the counselor or counseling itself?

 

Have you read, and I know this may sound ridiculous, Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue? It's got some good, solid tools. And Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave (or is it Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay? I could have the bad and good mixed up) was invaluable to me in making the decision to call it quits and file.

 

My ex and I were not happy with our counselor. She was on pain meds and I swear she was dozing off. Instead of putting our relationship first and finding a new counselor, we hung in there for 1.5 years because he said it would be too much work to start over with a new counselor. A year after the divorce he finally admitted that was an error in judgment - our relationship should have been top priority, no matter how long it took.

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Your husband sounds like me

 

If I had ever known how truly sad she was, and how much I would miss her, I would have done anything to fix what was broken. It's hard when you are in your husband's mind frame to see this. I don't think I ever would have until she really left me. And then it was too late.

 

I wonder is there any way to make him realize without permanently fragmenting the relationship. Such a Catch-22.

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Often we ask ourselve what someone is doing for us in a relationship, and point out everything our partner is not doing; never realizing that we havn't done squat for our partner; yet we expect all kinds of things in return.

 

But what do they have to return? just think about

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Thank you every one....

 

Things started to get better for a week or so, then suddenly again he blew up on me about socks and a dirty house! This was after a huge weekend party i paid for and put together to supprize him with. I dont work and Im living off unemployment. This is a big deal that he didnt even care about. But anyways, yes, I did leave dishes in the sink and i didnt put the socks together but I usually do all of that at the end of the week. Well he belw up on me and we got into a huge fight over it. Then he got drunk last night and said "f-her" and telling people at a party we were attending that im a stupid 'b-word' and telling my good friend that he thinks we slept together. And telling every one at the party, that im "f-ing' people all over the place!"It got really bad! I want to leave. Im so mortified and humiliated! Ive never cheated and he is just looking for things now... like trying to find something. I cant live like this. Id be gone if it werent for the kids.

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Bear with me for a moment, because I don't mean to offend you. I am going to try to put myself in his shoes here. It sounds like he thinks he has a very young, very immature wife. You got married at 18 ... you had babies by 22 ... yet you were still partying. It sounds like you two are VERY different, as you say, and he may have a more 'rigid' or defined sense of moral codes/ values that he believes a wife and mother should follow. For many people, staying out until 4a and drinking is unacceptable.

 

So you married someone who is not only different, he's got four major differences: difference in personality, difference in values, difference in age and "maturity," [i use the word maturity not to put you down but to hint at some of the values he seems to hold about what maturity means], and difference in marital expectations.

 

Counselling again is a must. You need to examine those four areas for a compromise. You both need to be aware of how you can love each other in a way that the other person can receive it. For example, the bday party is not what makes him feel loved. Perhaps it's having the routine of having you home everyday. Who knows, but you two must talk about your needs. Communication is key and negotiating is necessary.

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Yeah, you two needs to get some outside help. If he refuses to work with you on stuff, and he keeps treating you the way you describe, dump his ass. Don't "do it for the kids." They need stable home environments, and two parents who actively don't get along are not what they need.

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