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The Relationship that Just Died


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So I was in the a relationship that went from euphoria, passion, and love notes, to absolute distance, lies, and deceit in two days. He told me he loved me, and then two days later he was totally distant. We went from seeing each other 3-4 days a week to..."Seeing him even once a week would even be too much." Of course we never actually saw each other again after he said that.

 

Red flag yes...another girl yes (maybe more)...did he cheat? yes.

 

The funny part of this whole thing is that we never even actually formally broke up. We just stopped talking to each other.

 

Anyhow this is the abridged version of my story.

 

I feel ashamed to admit I still think about him constantly because he doesn't deserve the time and energy that goes into thinking about him.

 

I can't wait for the day when I don't wake up in the middle of the night feeling angry, and when he is not the first person I think about in the morning. Heck I can't wait until he is so far removed from my mind that I am not posting in some forum about him.

 

How can someone be so communication retarded, that they just let a relationship die without even having the ability to end it with you?

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I also wanted to add a question to the healing after beak up topic. This is not the first break up I have ever experienced, and considering other past relationships this one was relatively short. I also want to add that I am not one of those people that constantly needs to be in some sort of relationship or dating. I have done the single thing for long periods of time.

 

However, I noticed with this break up (and only this break up), I am seemingly undergoing some sort of self destructive behavior. I find that I have been chatting with all of my ex's that did not end on a bad note, and I even spent Saturday with an old flame. Reason...I thought it would make me feel better.

 

I feel like a different person, my recent actions are totally out of my character and to be honest it scares me a little. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

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I haven't done what you're doing, but I've heard of others who have (something similar was even suggested to me by some people).

 

You'll get past the angry stage and move into sadness. He damaged your trust and that's the worst part. If my ex hadn't lied, I could have handled the cheating. He never understood that the most damaging aspect was the constant lying - I already knew he was cheating.

 

Silver, I rather enjoy being alone. I can't imagine a man in my house anymore...toilet seat up? No way!

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I know others date after a break up and what not, but I am going back to other ex's. My flame on Saturday was an old friend with benefits that I kind of decided I hated last August. This is why I feel my behavior is self-destructive. I wish I didn't have so much free time. I think this is not helping eaither.

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I think I am also hurt and confused because I don't understand how someone can tell you they love you for the first time, and then two days later just loose total interest and move onto another girl.

 

I feel like he messed with my head and it is not fair. Somehow by him telling me that he loved my I think that made my feelings for him all the more intense. It feels like he was deliberately trying to hurt me.

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I haven't done what you're doing, but I've heard of others who have (something similar was even suggested to me by some people).

 

You'll get past the angry stage and move into sadness. He damaged your trust and that's the worst part. If my ex hadn't lied, I could have handled the cheating. He never understood that the most damaging aspect was the constant lying - I already knew he was cheating.

 

Silver, I rather enjoy being alone. I can't imagine a man in my house anymore...toilet seat up? No way!

 

I am sorry I wanted to respond to this before. Why would you tolerate cheating? Cheating to me says that your partner doesn't love or respect you enough to remain loyal.

 

It is is a conscious act that requires two people and once its done it cant be reversed. It is not even about the length of time it went on or with who, it is about him/her willingly cheating and knowingly hurting my feelings. I could never overlook it or move past it. Even if I love someone deeply it does not allow them to use that love to negate any consequences.

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Well, cheating is forgivable. Not something I condone, by any means, but it's not the worst thing that could happen in a relationship. I think lying is much more destructive for me. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger issue. My trust was destroyed by the feeble lies (the worst was the lie he told to enable him to tell me he'd spent a week in London with another woman). That is how messed up he is.

 

A couple of weeks ago he lied about some issue regarding crown moulding we were putting up in our mutually owned home. Crown moulding! If he'd lie about that, imagine what else he would lie about - everything, I guess.

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Well, cheating is forgivable. Not something I condone, by any means, but it's not the worst thing that could happen in a relationship. I think lying is much more destructive for me. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger issue. My trust was destroyed by the feeble lies (the worst was the lie he told to enable him to tell me he'd spent a week in London with another woman). That is how messed up he is.

 

A couple of weeks ago he lied about some issue regarding crown moulding we were putting up in our mutually owned home. Crown moulding! If he'd lie about that, imagine what else he would lie about - everything, I guess.

 

If there is some reason that “drove” your ex to cheat , I doubt it is good enough. What ever happened to communication and not cheating to get someones attention on emotional issues?

 

I think you are self-rationalizing the cheating issue. Cheating is one lie that is big enough. I wouldn't need to wait for them to lie to me about other things like crown-molding. Just like a crook and certain other personalities. I wouldn't trust a former crook around me so why would I trust someone who cheated on me?

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I have often thought about being over someone... when are you truly over someone? when you think about them but you feel nothing (in a harsh way not care right?).

 

Its also when you are happy to take someone out on a date and not worry that you might bump into your ex causing them pain, and vice versa.... walking into a bar seeing your ex with another guy and not care about it.

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Life, I think the opposite of love is exactly a feeling of nothing.

 

Mee, I'm old. My values are different. I spent 25 years loving the same man. I could forgive anything but the lie. I'm not saying it's right for everyone, but it would have been right for me. His lying was an indication that he didn't trust me. It's not my issue, it's his. I had done nothing to be untrustworthy.

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I have often thought about being over someone... when are you truly over someone? when you think about them but you feel nothing (in a harsh way not care right?).

 

Its also when you are happy to take someone out on a date and not worry that you might bump into your ex causing them pain, and vice versa.... walking into a bar seeing your ex with another guy and not care about it.

 

If that is the case then I don't think I have really ever gotten over anyone I have ever loved. I always feel something when I think about them. My first love makes me feel confused, my ex fiance makes me feel mad, and one of them even makes me feel bad. I guess I don't miss them like I am missing my ex now. They are not causing me pain anymore. But i do still think about them all. I find myself googling them from time to time. See what they are up to, but bumping into any of them now with someone else would still make me feel weird. I just recently learned that two of my exs are now married. I am not sure if I was jealous, or what, but it made me feel uncomfortable.

 

All I know is that I wish that thoughts of my most current ex would stop making me feel pain. I have been catatonic all day. I have accomplished nothing and have pretty much just sat here staring at nothing for the past few hours I am getting a permanent crown on one of my teeth in about an hour and that is the highlight of my day. It is this feeling I could do without.

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I know I'm posting a lot but I can't seem to stop thinking about it I just need to vent, maybe make sense of my feelings of hurt and confusion by writing it down.

 

The thing that I think is bothering me a lot about this whole thing is that we never actually broke up. I talked to him on Saturday before I met up with my old fling. I think it was my last attempt to communicate with him before i made the decision to go out with my fling. I knew what would happen once I went out. (I ended up not doing anything with my fling, because couldn't stop thinking about the ex but I really considered it).

 

I tried to make the break up official by telling him that I didn't want what we had anymore and I was going to move on. He was going to loose me forever. I told him that other people treated me better, that I have been loyal, but I am not sure why I keep holding onto him and ignoring those that are a better match for me. I guess I was hoping for a response that showed me that he had any interest in me whatsoever.

 

Instead he screamed at me a little, said I was arguing with him (I am arguing whenever I try to talk according to him. I was completely honest and sincere and calm and only said what I wrote above). Then he argued with me to be fun (whatever that meant). He told me he was done, but then he told me he would talk to me later. He was all over the place. I kind of felt like he was rejecting my break up with him. He told me he didn't want to see me (that night even though I didn't ask to), and that I was stupid because if I didn't make he mad he was going to ask me to go out on Sunday? Then he told me that he was staying home and not going out, and he told me to have fun. Then he said he was going back inside (which means he was actually out). I was silent the whole time. I didn't agree to talk to him later, or see him. The whole conversation confirmed my decision to go out with the fling. I decided I wouldn't talk to my ex anymore after that. Nonetheless, the conversation was a very confusing and upsetting one.

 

I have not, nor has he tried to contact me. I know I could contact him now and it would be like nothing happened. Why? Because I don't even know if we ever officially broke up. I do know he was with someone else (I have no proof but I just know, you know your gut feeling combined with the distance) on Saturday. I know he hasn't bothered to talk to me since that day. I am not going to talk to him because what is the point? If I do I will only accept being treated this way indefinitely, and I don't want to be with a cheater.

 

I feel confused, sometimes I want to call anyway. I think this is the least amount of closure I have ever had and it is driving me nuts.

 

I am having difficulty grasping the fact that it is over. Even if it is over just for me. I still don't get how he could be so into me one day (sending me a ton of texts, calling throughout the day just to say hello, his usual stuff) and then bang nothing. He went from being so loving to being cold and mean. Two weeks of distance and not wanting to see me for no apparent reason. At one point he told me it was because I was clingy (thats all I got), but I never really even bothered him until I noticed the distance. If anything he was clinging to me the entire time. Even then I gave distance and we went entire days with one text and no call. I don't feel the reason he gave me was sufficient, so I can only assume the obvious and it hurts

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I feel like this post has just become an outlet for me to vent on, but that is ok. I rather write it down here than to contact my ex about it. I feel like I am venting more about what has happened between my ex and I over the past two weeks than I have any other day. I am not sure if it is helping, but today I was stuck at home and I can't seem to stop re-playing the events in my mind. I like to think that this is somehow therapeutic for me. Even though our relationship began to deteriorate at a very pace two weeks ago, today is only the second day of absolutely no contact for me and it is really hard.

 

30 minutes ago I stopped myself from looking at his facebook page for the 15th time today, trying to figure out who that half naked girl that left him a comment at 2AM last night is. I went through our last text conversation again to re-enforce my decision to cut him off. (Not that he has really tried to contact me so I guess it really isn't cutting off).

 

After reading the conversation again, I think I finally understand the issue with dating someone who is a little over three years younger than me. I just turned 28 he is 24 turning 25 next month.He talks down to me, and he totally lacks the ability to step outside of himself and assess the situation. I am not perfect, but why couldn't he ever look at a situation and understand where I was coming from. He just continually called me clingy and annoying. I guess my constant desire to talk about what was going on this past week may have given off a clingy impression, but he never really allowed me to talk about anything without over powering me and trying to win what he thought was an argument when it was just me trying to talk. I am not saying that there are not any mature 24 year olds out there, but this one is lagging behind a little.

 

Anyhow my friend just called and invited me to a movie screening. I am happy to get out for a bit.

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Day 3

 

I messed up and sent him a one line text last night. I responded to his "hey u". I was happy I didn't write more. I kind of felt better about the whole situation for the rest of the night after that. I don't know if it was because I felt that he was thinking about me, because he texted me while I was at a movie with a friend (the movie I was supposed to see with him), or because I stayed out in the city until 3AM. Maybe it was a combination of all three?

 

Last night I felt like I would be ok not talking to my ex anymore. I slept until 10AM. I woke up and he was the first thing I thought of. I checked my phone to see if he had called. He didn't. I am still not sure if he knows we are not together anymore, but he seems to treat me like we are apart. I remember when he used to text me good morning the second he woke up, but that stopped weeks ago. I tried to go back to bed, but then I started thinking about him even more. It felt like a panic, so now I am up. I checked his Facebook. No changes since the half naked girl comment posted at Monday in the early AM. I miss him again. If he texted me right now I would probably write back with more than one line. I hope he doesn't.

 

I have less to do today than I did yesterday. I am hungry but un-motivated to eat. I will go to the gym later. That will be the highlight of my day. Today is going to be a long day.

 

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1:46 PM

I just woke up from a nap. I am not sure if I really napped, and if i did it feels like it was only for a couple minutes. It was hard falling asleep. I kept feeling rushes of panic. My heart would beat hard. Before I woke up I saw an image of my phone screen and his name on it. I woke up in a panic. My ringer was off, but I got a text. It wasn't my ex, but the text was sent the second I panicked. Intuition is a funny thing.

 

I am really struggling with not contacting him today. I want to talk to him. About nothing in particular. It is driving me nuts. It is all I think about. I just want to hear his voice. I just keep trying to tell myself that contacting him will only make me a weak person. Why has he done this to me?

 

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2:06

I started to think about what would be an acceptable contact from him. My fanatsy contact scenario. I think it would be my ex apologizing for ignoring me. Telling me the terrible mistake he has made. Telling me he will change.

 

Would it make me feel better? For a moment. Will it make me take him back? I can't honestly say yes.

 

So why am I stressing over him contacting me? Especially since there is a .0000001% chance that he will say those things.

 

Just something I thought about that helped a little. For now...

 

Right now a nice guy who is very interested in me, (not one of my exs), is texting me. Why can't I be happy and content with this contact instead of wishing it was my ex.

 

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2:43

His new Face Book Status: "when I kiss you I feel like I am on cloud 9, and nothing could bring me down"

Sooo... I got you wet? Lmao.:

 

What is that supposed to mean?

 

Half naked girl Monday AM comment erased. I think she erased her own comment because he was seeing her, and he made her mad. He has a sucky personality. I have erased my own comments from his page before. He has a tendency to make you feel like you should. Heck I even erased myself as a friend. I wish he would make his page private to save me the grief.

 

Bah I need out of the house and Now.

 

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4:05

 

Still didn't leave the house. I can't stop writing here. I can't seem to focus on anything but him. I have been in many situations where I felt a lot of pain like I do right now. Not all of them resulted from the men in my life. I am sitting here, and I just realized I haven't had a good cry since my fiance broke up with me 2 1/2 years ago. I feel hardened. It is like I feel sad, sad enough to cry, but I can't. I haven't cried over him yet. Maybe this is what I need to at least get out of the house and stop adding to this post every 40 mins or less. I want to cry but I can't

 

I read over the texts again. Whatever was left of them. Today I feel like conversation with me was forced. 64 Texts of him was calling me stupid, or screwed up in the head, and clingy, because I wanted to talk about what was going on. Through the 64 texts I have from him from Thursday to Sat he spent most of it calling me dumb, talking about printers, or he wanted to see me on Fri night when he was drunk and alone, but earlier that day he was too busy for me, even though I told him how nice I looked because I just had my hair and makeup done at the spa. He said he already had plans with his friends. I didn't want to waste the hair and makeup so I ended up out alone with two guys that were not my type, after the friend I was supposed to go out with ditched me to go home with some girl in the first five minutes. As much as Friday sucked I still felt ok because my ex was drunk and texting me to come over. He didn't want to see me earlier that day, or any of the other times I offered to come by (always with friends he claims to never see). Why did his drunk texts make me feel ok? I remember when he used to get upset if I went out with any guys just three weeks ago.

 

In some of the texts I tried to break free. I told him I didn't trust him anymore so I couldn't be with him. I told him I wanted him to go away. He would get mad and tell me he was done talking to me, and then take it back and blame me. He won't let me go, because he needs to keep me on the side. I don't believe he has zero feelings for me, but he didn't love me.

 

It is sinking in, I am dumb....dumb for letting him use me. He didn't love me like he said the two days before he changed. How could he? He used me.

 

This is like the 4th revelation of the day. Combined with the new Facebook status (which i am taking to be directed toward someone in particular) I feel awful. I want to cry Why can't I cry?

 

On a good note...I don't feel like calling right now.

 

Super spin class at 6:30. Why is it taking forever to be 6:30?

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I think I am also hurt and confused because I don't understand how someone can tell you they love you for the first time, and then two days later just loose total interest and move onto another girl.

 

I feel like he messed with my head and it is not fair. Somehow by him telling me that he loved my I think that made my feelings for him all the more intense. It feels like he was deliberately trying to hurt me.

 

Hi Mee-chelle,

 

How long were you with him? How long since you were together?

 

I'd hazard a guess that you were with him a few months?

I have experienced 3 break ups like this (actually only experienced this) and I really think it is so painful. You have all your hopes and dreams for this person and have decided you want to try having a proper rel with them and then they turn round and want out.

 

Was he more into you than you him to start? I don't know why they do this but it hurts like hell. Everyone on here says that there never is a logical reason for breaking up and it always hurts but I feel these type of break ups are worse because they are so utterly out of your control. You feel used. He wanted you, then he didn't. Like a puppy at Christmas.

 

Ok obviously this has gone into my own rant but are there similarities?

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I just recently learned that two of my exs are now married. I am not sure if I was jealous, or what, but it made me feel uncomfortable.

 

.

 

It made you feel like a failure? That's what I feel if I'm single and look at an ex with a partner. I don't know if it's the same thing as having feelings?

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Yes! He was way more into me in the start. Sometimes I felt like he was kind of obsessed. I had to change my phone plan to unlimited texting because he would just talk to me all day long. He wanted to be around me all of the time. He called just to say hello like 10 times a day. If i got mad at him he couldn't go more than two hours without apologizing and trying to make everything ok. I actually was turned off by it at first.

 

This guy was not my usual type at all. He is far removed. I actually gave up some things that I usually look for.

 

I think it was the constant attention, persistence that made me eventually fall in. I mean it is not that I didn't like him at all in the beginning. We had a spark I have not felt with anyone else in a long time. I was willing to be open to try new things I didn't always look for.

 

Then one day after he told me how much he cared for me, it was just all gone. Like there was never anything there at all.

 

I have not met anyone else who experienced this. Even now that he seems to have lost total interest he doesn't fight for me anymore, goes entire days without talking to me, dosen't call at night, but I still feel like he holds on a little. I did break up with him when he lost interest two weeks ago and he texted me sad faces and said we made a mistake. He didn't try as hard though, and ended up blaming everything on me.

 

My friends tell me he just has psychological problems. Regardless it is not fair because I am the one that is left in pain and he has moved on.

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8:13

 

Back from the gym. I forgot about him during spin class. Love those endorphins. I completely negated all the calories I burned by stopping at Burger King on the way home. This was the first time I ate fast food in two years. I have no desire to cook and I was starving. I feel guilty about it. I have been on a strict gym/diet for the past five years and I can never seem to let myself enjoy anything that might be a little bad for you.

 

I am back to wanting to call him. I keep justifying it. I almost convinced myself to call four times on the way home. I wanted to tell him how I missed how he used to want to text me all day. I got through it by telling myself that I was just going to keep putting it off, but I am afraid I am going to cave. The urge is the worst it has been yet. I hate him but I miss him. Please oh Please let me get a hold of myself, and do not call this guy.

 

I keep just trying to remind myself of what my first love told me last night. If I call him I am just asking for more depression.

 

I think I am chasing after how my ex-once was, which really was not that long ago. But now He sent me one text in three days. He will never be that person again. Not with me anyway.

 

 

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10:25

 

I caved in and called but his phone was off. Thank goodness his phone was off. I would have regretted it. Now it is bothering me that his phone was off, but I guess it shouldn't matter, but why is his phone off? I am happy this day is almost over. I really wish and hope that tomorrow is better. I can't take another day obsessing over this guy like I did today. Looking back I am freaking obsessed. (hides head in shame).

 

The one thing that stinks about my line of work is that I don't actually ever have to go anywhere for work most of the time. I need to find something to do with myself soon. I can't take another day or days like this. All I have planned for tomorrow is the gym once again.

 

Thursday and Friday evening I have two different business diners. Saturday I am going to a networking mixer. Thank Goodness. I just need to make it through tomorrow and the next few hours that I will probably be awake.

 

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11:09

 

Anon333 must have been onto something because I feel ok right now.

 

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1:04 AM

 

Sad again. I just realized that it has now officially been three days that my ex really hasn't made any attempts to talk to me except for that dinky stupid "hey U". I guess I just thought he would. Reality is depressing. I am depressed once again. Tempted to take an ambien to sleep but would make my mood worse. I think I am going to take a few melatonin tablets. Not sleepy.

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I'm so sorry about what you are going through. It sounds like your ex. has borderline personality disorder.

 

check out the website ...link removed

 

The info here might shed some light as to what happened.

 

good luck and remember to breathe.

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I'm so sorry about what you are going through. It sounds like your ex. has borderline personality disorder.

 

check out the website ...link removed

 

The info here might shed some light as to what happened.

 

good luck and remember to breathe.

 

Thanks for the information Gessolin. I found the site to be enlightening in many ways. However the borderline personality disorder came with a list of characteristics and traits that was so long I think anyone would display at least one or two of the traits. Heck I even had a few.

 

Sure my ex has some individual traits off the list too, but considering only 1-3% of the population is afflicted by this disorder I can only wonder how many of the traits you must have to officially be diagnosed with BPD.

 

I think the biggest personality flaws with my ex is his immaturity, lacking the intelligence to interact with others and assess situations, and his desire to win anything he classifies as an argument at any cost. Although if he were here right now he would argue that I need to win every argument.

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Day 4

 

CONTACT

 

Last night was awful. I woke up maybe 10-15 times in a panic. I was only able to fall back asleep because of all the melatonin I took. I missed him.

 

Same routine woke up checked phone. He texted early morning. His text fit exactly into post #16 at 2:06. The acceptable fantasy text scenario. He wrote to me apologizing for his behavior, offered to do somethings, he missed me and was sorry, etc.

 

As I stated in post #16 if this were to happen it would make me feel better for the moment because I was feeling so miserable I responded and said I missed the old him. I am refusing to talk to the new him. He said I could have the old him back, and he has been acting like his old self (probably so fake) all morning since.

 

Now I must be crazy, and insane for even entertaining the idea. I told him we could meet up to talk about it if I had free time. What am I doing? I don't trust this guy. I didn't set a time so maybe I can still back out? I don't know if I am making a mistake. I have already made it through three days of misery and I don't want to be back a day one in less than a week.

 

Then this other part of me is willing to go through with meeting. I am not a superstitious or religious person, but last night I found myself praying (in a time of vulnerability) that if this situation was meant to be worked out he would contact me in the morning. Coincidence (my usual stance), or a sign? I am so confused.

 

Then again, maybe I need to meet with him to know what we had is gone, or to know that I really can't trust him. I have not seen him in three weeks.

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