What happens when you snoop... and find nothing?

[hexaemeron]

Are you going to be honorable enough to tell the other person you snooped? Or will you consider it "all's well that ends well" and move on from there quietly?

[guynextdoor]

When you snoop and found nothing then back to the drawing board and watch more CSI Miami. LOL! Honestly I would feel stupid but so far each time I snoop I always found something.

[hexaemeron]

When you snoop and found nothing then back to the drawing board and watch more CSI Miami. LOL! Honestly I would feel stupid but so far each time I snoop I always found something.

 

Okay, but I'm saying... what happens when you snoop and find nothing? Are you going to admit it to the other person that you violated trust and personal privacy?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Hm... telling could only make the person not trust you in return, so it may be best to keep it to yourself, live with the mistake and never make it again. Because it IS a mistake.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

A mistake as in, something you shouldn't be doing... not something you just did on accident.*

[hexaemeron]

Hm... telling could only make the person not trust you in return, so it may be best to keep it to yourself, live with the mistake and never make it again. Because it IS a mistake.

 

But... isn't that just as bad as someone cheating and keeping it to himself? Don't we say in most cases that someone should be open and honest when trust is broken?

[monkeygirl12]

I wish I had an answer...

[FarthestEdge]

IMO sadly, most people who start snooping, expect to find something, and don't stop until they think they have...there seldom is a "Oh there's nothing there, so I guess I was wrong", instead it's "S/he's hiding it better than I thought, I have to dig deeper".

 

I visited Crazygirlfriend Town when I was younger, and it's amazing to think back at my thought process. It was twisted. It wasn't a question of IF there was something to find, it was a question of how well he'd hid it.

 

It takes some doing to get out of that mindset. Mostly though, I realized 2 things- I was punishing HIM for MY issues/insecurities and I didn't want to be in a relationship that left me feeling that way, so I had a choice- get my head on straight and trust him, or leave.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

But... isn't that just as bad as someone cheating and keeping it to himself? Don't we say in most cases that someone should be open and honest when trust is broken?

 

I agree that it is pretty much the same. Obviously less severe because there are no stds, crazy spurned ex flings or whatever else in the wake.

 

Idk. What good does telling do, you think?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

IMO sadly, most people who start snooping, expect to find something, and don't stop until they think they have...there seldom is a "Oh there's nothing there, so I guess I was wrong", instead it's "S/he's hiding it better than I thought, I have to dig deeper".

 

I visited Crazygirlfriend Town when I was younger, and it's amazing to think back at my thought process. It was twisted. It wasn't a question of IF there was something to find, it was a question of how well he'd hid it.

 

It takes some doing to get out of that mindset. Mostly though, I realized 2 things- I was punishing HIM for MY issues/insecurities and I didn't want to be in a relationship that left me feeling that way, so I had a choice- get my head on straight and trust him, or leave.

 

I snooped in my first serious relationship and will NEVER EVER do it again. It is the most agonizing, exhausting, stupid thing a human can do. Always searching cells and checking forums and internet history like a loon????

I'm over it.

 

True colors come out in the wash. If you're cheating on me, if you're a bad guy I believe I will find out naturally. It will hurt but I will have my dignity in tact.

[hexaemeron]

I agree that it is pretty much the same. Obviously less severe because there are no stds, crazy spurned ex flings or whatever else in the wake.

 

Idk. What good does telling do, you think?

 

Well, it's not about doing good. It's about being honorable. If you make a mistake, you own up to it.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Well, it's not about doing good. It's about being honorable. If you make a mistake, you own up to it.

 

Sure. I guess. Why not? lol

Maybe the interesting second question to ask is- would you want to know if your partner was snooping on you?

[hexaemeron]

Sure. I guess. Why not? lol

Maybe the interesting second question to ask is- would you want to know if your partner was snooping on you?

 

That is a good question. It seems like from the majority of posters at ENA when this subject comes up, everyone snoops.

 

I can't. To me, that's such a fundamental breakdown and violation of trust and personal privacy. But I'm typically more trusting and big on personal privacy than a lot of people.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I definitely agree... I think a lot of ena users snoop or have. I think it reflects a lack of coping skills.

 

Some may not see anything wrong with snooping and consider it justified because "well he/she is making me suspicious, it is their fault".

[FathomFear]

Assuming that the ends don't justify the means, you shouldn't put snooping in a different light depending on the outcome. IMO. If you're worried that your partner is violating your trust and/or cheating, I don't think a good solution to the problem is to violate his or her trust.

[hexaemeron]

Assuming that the ends don't justify the means, you shouldn't put snooping in a different light depending on the outcome. IMO. If you're worried that your partner is violating your trust and/or cheating, I don't think a good solution to the problem is to violate his or her trust.

 

I agree with this. The possibility of a wrong doesn't justify the actuality of another wrong.

[I_Speak_Jive]

I am very inflexible when it comes to personal space and privacy. I simply HATE the idea of someone with the sense of entitlement to parade around my own private life like it's their living-room.

 

Partners of mine have left their phone around unattended, their email open, what have you. My reaction is simply to log them off. I don't even look at their Facebook profile --that's their stuff, their online life. It has nothing to do with me.

 

We get our face-to-face time, our dinners, our conversations and what we choose to reveal about ourselves to each other --plus all those other unsaid things we show involuntarily when we are close to people. That's it.

 

I can barely manage to bite my tongue and not bark at people when they go "Oh I googled you and found out such and such". I know it's common currency these days so I tried not to get too annoyed at it, but my inner reaction is: "For crying out loud, if you want to know something about me, JUST ASK".

 

You know, maybe it's a gay thing. We spent so many of our formative years having to micro-manage the truth about ourselves, and who got access to it and who didn't at any given time, that now I am almost pathologically territorial about my own sense of person-hood.

 

So yeah, if any boyfriend past, present or future has snooped his way into ENA and is reading this right now: dude, pick your coat, we're over.

 

 

[hexaemeron]

You know, I never thought about the bolded, but I think that might be why I am the way I am. I let people into my life, but there's a very clear line where you do not cross. You do not invade my privacy and if you can't trust me, then you shouldn't be here. A++ 'satz.

[FathomFear]

You know, I never thought about the bolded, but I think that might be why I am the way I am. I let people into my life, but there's a very clear line where you do not cross. You do not invade my privacy and if you can't trust me, then you shouldn't be here. A++ 'satz.

 

I think the same-sex dynamic in gay/lesbian relationships does help prevent jealousy from being bottled up.

 

For example, let's pretend a heterosexual couple walks down the street and walks by a very attractive woman. For many couples a bit of a game is played at this moment--the guy will find her attractive but do his best to look without making it obvious he's looking, and the woman will be watching to see if he's looking but trying not to make it obvious that she's doing that. And if either party slips up tension often ensues, and one or both parties will end up on ENA worrying if they aren't attractive enough, worried that there's cheating, etc.

 

Now, take a gay couple walking by an attractive man on the street. The same tension isn't there because both people in the couple share the same orientation and can empathize with each other and "share" the experience. Both can enjoy it and not hide it.

 

This isn't true in all cases, of course, but it seems to hold true most of the time. The perception seems to be validated by most GLBT help forums on the net, too. Most people seem to be looking for help with coming out, dealing with family, etc, whereas there are tons of forums dedicated to he-said/she-said paranoia and jealousy.

[Lucius]

Are you going to be honorable enough to tell the other person you snooped? Or will you consider it "all's well that ends well" and move on from there quietly?

 

I have never snooped on a partner, and I doubt that I ever would. I think it's almost always a silly, unfair, and irresponsible thing to do.

 

Having said that, if I ever WERE to snoop, I highly doubt that I would say anything about it afterward. I don't think that any good would come of it. The idea, expressed earlier in this thread, that doing the "honourable" thing - even when no good whatsoever will come of it - is somehow the "right" course of action, strikes me as rather silly. Honour without effect is ... hot air. Pretension. Or at least, this is how I see it. I'm concerned with results, not a big shiny badge I give myself called "honour". Snooping is irresponsible for a variety of tangible reasons, not (in my view) because it violates an intangible ethic. Intangible ethics bore me.

[hexaemeron]

I have never snooped on a partner, and I doubt that I ever would. I think it's almost always a silly, unfair, and irresponsible thing to do.

 

Having said that, if I ever WERE to snoop, I highly doubt that I would say anything about it afterward. I don't think that any good would come of it. The idea, expressed earlier in this thread, that doing the "honourable" thing - even when no good whatsoever will come of it - is somehow the "right" course of action, strikes me as rather silly. Honour without effect is ... hot air. Pretension. Or at least, this is how I see it. I'm concerned with results, not a big shiny badge I give myself called "honour". Snooping is irresponsible for a variety of tangible reasons, not (in my view) because it violates an intangible ethic. Intangible ethics bore me.

 

I absolutely see where you're coming from. But replace "snooping" with "cheating" and tell me, would you feel the same way?

[girlfriday]

I think it depends why you snooped. If you seriously had suspicions and you found nothing then maybe there are bigger issues in the relationship. If you snooped because you're just insecure or nosy then no don't apologize. Instead learn how to trust better and that some business is not yours.

 

I have not snooped but sometimes I have to look for something I check the drawers. I am pretty much blind to everything but what I need to find. I think I'm a good GF lol

[Ihavetissues]

IMO sadly, most people who start snooping, expect to find something, and don't stop until they think they have...there seldom is a "Oh there's nothing there, so I guess I was wrong", instead it's "S/he's hiding it better than I thought, I have to dig deeper".

 

I visited Crazygirlfriend Town when I was younger, and it's amazing to think back at my thought process. It was twisted. It wasn't a question of IF there was something to find, it was a question of how well he'd hid it.

 

It takes some doing to get out of that mindset. Mostly though, I realized 2 things- I was punishing HIM for MY issues/insecurities and I didn't want to be in a relationship that left me feeling that way, so I had a choice- get my head on straight and trust him, or leave.

 

This is what i need to do

[Seraphim]

I am totally with you there. If you have to invade me instead of asking me it is over.

 

I would not snoop. I figure I can not control you anyway so why try.

[Lucius]

I absolutely see where you're coming from. But replace "snooping" with "cheating" and tell me, would you feel the same way?

 

Actually, I was thinking about just this question earlier. I think that if I were with someone like ersatz (who expressed that snooping would be a deal-breaker for him), I WOULD "come clean" if I had crossed that line. Likewise I would come clean if I cheated on a partner (since that would be a deal-breaker for the vast majority of people). I wouldn't do it to be "honourable", though. I'd do it (primarily) because I would not want to deprive my partner of a critical chance to make a choice over something they deem to be significant enough to break up over. Generally speaking, however, since snooping is more typically grounds for mistrust and resentment (as distinct from break ups), I wouldn't inform a partner of such behaviour were it to occur. Honour for the sake of honour is (IMHO) egoic masturbation. A sense of responsibility and empathy based upon well-founded reasoning, on the other hand, can a wonderful thing.

 

With all of that said, I still think it's usually very inappropriate behaviour. My point is merely that the (perceived) need to come clean is very rarely motivated by any useful sentiment; and that honour without effect or purpose means little indeed.