Should i give up and let him be or hold on?

[shygirl711]

i was with my ex boyfriend for 4 and a half years. its been full of love and happiness. we are both 24 and i was quite lucky that i got my job before the recession but my boyfriend was unsuccesful. his working in an estate agents for time being but seeing his girlfriend do well i think hampered our relationship. i work with alot of men so i think my boyfriend also found that a problem even though i reassured him he was all i wanted.

 

i always thought my boyfriend loved me more that i loved him because he wanted to see me all the time and always told me he loved me and always sent lovely messages saying he cant wait to get married.its been like this for the whole time weve been together so i thought we were very much in love.

 

 

then in oct last yr i went away on holiday with my friend and when i came back my boyfriend asked for abreak. said that we were so young and although he looves me so much said this would do us good. i couldnt handle the "break" so kinda begged for him back. i realise now i shouldnt have done because then inn january this yr he broke up with me. he said what he had said before that im the only one he wants to be with coz im his wifey but right now needs to be selfish and see where he was heading. said he was at a cross roads and wanted to get a job and a house of his own before he could be with anyone. i was so hurt.

 

i did the stupid thing and went onto this facebook account where i saw a conversation between him and a girl he had met at a party. she said how she couldnt "mess" about with him anymore and couldnt take the baggage of him or me still loving him.

 

 

i was so upset about this i confronted my ex. he explained he had only messaged her and that the reason he had done that was that he needed to do soemthing stupid becuase he felt so f'd up in the head. whilst i can believe him about that, it stil makes me feel so hurt. thatnight he explained to me that it was always going to be me in his life but right now, he needs to be selfish and do the things he said he wanted. i accepted it.

 

its been 8 weeks now but it doesnt seem like he wants to know me now. i called him once a couple of weeks ago. the conversation started of well, lilke just as friends then the subject shifted to us. i said i couldnt imagine him being with another girl. he said he felt the same with me and didnt want to know if i was seeing anyone. then i asked how long this would take and he seemed to get angry. like he didnt want me asking those questions.he ended the converstaion saying he loves me.

 

 

i feel so hurt. i msgd him yesterday, just asking how he was. he replied asking if im ok and if i booked my holiday but then when i sent another one back asking how his weekend was he didnt reply.

 

 

i feel so hurt. im not upset with the reason he broke up with me. but im upset with the way he is treating me and i feel confused that maybe he doesnt want me in his life at all. I know he is initiating NC To try and nt hurt me and for him to not feel guilty but i just dont know where i stand and what to do with myself

[AutumnBorn]

Don't know what to do with yourself? I think that's probably because you lost your identity in the relationship. You should try to re-establish yourself as an independent, whole person. Go out and have fun. Learn new things. Volunteer. Become the best version of yourself. Become fascinating.

 

I think he's right. You both sound young (says the nearing 50 year old mom in me). Better he should sew his wild oats now before getting married. You don't want him wondering if he missed out on something once you're married.

 

You have to stop messaging him. Let him wonder what you're up to. Let him initiate contact. (Your life should be too full to worry and wonder what he's up to anyway.) Most important is to go out and live fully. When you're old, you'll be thankful for this time he's given you.

[shygirl711]

Thanks for your response! Its been 2 months today since he left. Im doing th no contact thing and going out as much as i can. i feel stronger now than i was before. but deep in my heart i still love him. I can feel he loves me too but i dont want to have hope in fear that i will get hurt again. ive told myself iw ill never let myself feel the pain i felt when he left but do you think i should just be patient and wait till he comes back? or does my situation sound like he just wants to be free now and i should let him be and move on. Still over time there are no answers.

[BriarRose]

Thanks for your response! Its been 2 months today since he left. Im doing th no contact thing and going out as much as i can. i feel stronger now than i was before. but deep in my heart i still love him. I can feel he loves me too but i dont want to have hope in fear that i will get hurt again. ive told myself iw ill never let myself feel the pain i felt when he left but do you think i should just be patient and wait till he comes back? or does my situation sound like he just wants to be free now and i should let him be and move on. Still over time there are no answers.

It's been 2 months. That is a long time. You need to stay NC and make every effort to move on. Besides, he asked for a "break" so he could see where things go with the "party" girl. Usually when someone asks for a break, that is the reason. You sound very kind and I hope you meet someone special...

[captain_james]

Do you want to be a Plan B? You gave him years of your life, and he requested time off to pursue another girl. When my ex hinted at part of the reason she wanted a break was to see if there was anything between her and her roommate (which I still think she said as a revenge tactic), it was the last time I talked to her. Now yes, that's only been like 10-11 days... but, I hit the roof. She got her reaction she wanted.

 

Don't be a Plan B. If he loved you as much as he said he did, he would've tried to work on things. The fact is, he was flirting with her during your relationship. A break happens for a reason, and almost always they really mean "break up", they just don't have the courage to tell you. It really bothers me. Why can't people suck it up and just do it? You gave him 4.5 years... you deserved for him to sit in front of you, look you in the eyes and tell you it was over because *insert reasons*. Then to thank you for giving him 4.5 years of your life.

[shygirl711]

I dont want to make it sem like this girl was the reason he left. He said he had only met her as a random girl at the party and she was just there to listent o his probs. he promised he didnt do anything with her, just messaged her as he needed to do something dumb. Do i believe him? Yes i suppose i do because i knwo for a fact we were very much in love.

 

The reason/s why he said he needed space was because he was feeling really shi**y abt not having a job and still living with parents and wanted to sort himself out as he has been pretty jealous recently. When we broke up i asked him if it was because of other girls or did he want to meet other girls he said no because i was the only lady he ever loved and the only one in his life. he said i was his wifey and couldnt imagine being with anyone else. I do believe him again? Yes because in the whole time we were together its been strong love. I have never had to question how he left about it because we have been madly in love from day 1.

 

Your right i shouldnt be plan B. When i spoke to my ex i said if its space he wants i couldnt do that but he had to be honest with me and make it clear if at any point he thought he could never go back to us then the least he could do is tell me.

 

Where i am in my healing process is that i should respect he wants space for a while. then wel see how it goes. i will not settle for less than a commited relationship with him. we were already thinking of getting a place together and getting mamrried. This came out of nowhere. I knew how low he was feeling abt work but always thought we were in this together. I guess cosz we met so young what he needs is space to figure out what he wants? Surely i can give him that? Or am i beling oblivious to the fact that he wants out. hmmm

[shygirl711]

sorry i meant if its space he wants i *can* do that

[captain_james]

well currently it doesn't matter. You have to live your life. You are right, you should've been in it together. That's part of what makes a couple strong, being able to work through tough spots.

[Lucy1982]

sorry i meant if its space he wants i *can* do that

 

Hey we're in the same situation although I'm 4 months in. He asked for "space apart for a while to think" 4 months on according to what his mum has reported back to me (not at my request I would like to add) he is still "thinking about it"... like your guy mine is totally freaking out about work at the moment and was prior to this and felt that he needed to really focus on his business and he told his mum that I expected too much of his time and space... what he told her isn't right as I had my own place and he came over as and when he wanted, I never forced him to but from what he's told his mum he obviously felt I was... I can't change the way he thinks. What I find totally insane is his inability to communicate any of this with me. He told me it was space for a while so I have given him that, I have since been in touch with an email (my last contact 25 days ago) to ask him if he needs more space or is it over for good and that I would prefer a fresh start but I know I can't push him into anything so I leave him to in in the meantime my life is going on and since then he's had the chat to his mum but he's not got back to me! It's all so confusing.

 

I can't imagine that he won't come back because of how we were right before he asked for space, the fact we were together for over 3 years and that we BOTH said we saw this as the relationship which would lead to other things in the future BUT after all this time, space and lack of contact I just cannot imagine the day he ever calls me, let alone comes back and wants me. I worry also, that he is SO preoccupied with work that he will (and is as I hear) throw himself into it even more and not even have time to think about me or even miss me.

 

I don't know what advice to give you, except maybe try and find out NOW where you actually stand because I'm 4 months in with no idea of what he wants whilst he is still "thinking"...

[Ascending]

Give him his space. It seems that's what he really wants. Even if he's being irrational, just go NC, and you don't even have to answer to his calls when he contacts you. Your actions will speak louder than words. If he contacts you and you don't respond, he must be thinking that you're upset and deeply hurt. Wherever it is, it will make him think, and stop being selfish. Let him think about his actions for a bit, so give him the space, and I'm sure within some time, he will come crawling back.

 

If there's anything I learned from this site, it's that guys have a tendency to come back. Let him philosophize about his life and what he wants to do. When he realizes what he's lost, even if it's temporary, he'll get the answer he wants and his life will fall back into place and he'll try to change. He also needs to realize that there is no shame with living with your parents at the age of 24 and that getting a job is a frictional process, and that age is not a factor to hinder someone to being committed.

 

Let him realize what he's lost in you. Then he'll discover himself, and what he wants. He has to come to this realization on his own, the best thing for you to do to help him is to go no contact, no matter how hard it is, do not contact him at all until he is absolutely ready. Even if he calls you to check up on you, don't answer it until he's at his knees. This can take months. This will also give you time to make a clear judgment as to whether he is right for you, or not. So take this time for yourself too.

Go work on yourself, work out, change your hair, try on different make up, get new clothes, hang out with friends, do things that will make you happy, and trust me, when he sees you, it's going to trigger something inside of him to see you like that. If I were to describe it with colors, he'll feel dull and you'll be colorful.

[shygirl711]

Lucy: Its really hard isnt it? It would be easier if we knew all the answers but the fact we are in "limbo" makes it harder. you are double the amount of time my bf has left so i can not imagine how i will feel in another 2 months. Im positive my feelings for my ex will still be the same. we were togethhr nearly 5 yrs. But what i dont want is for it to be too late. I may not have moved on but i would have felt he pushed me away too much. Some wounds can be too deep to fully heal. In the time apart do their feelings drift? Im not sure how it was in your case but ours was not a messy break up. The sad thing about it is my ex has done nothing wrong. Thinking about it yes he left me and im heartbroken but he only did what he felt. He didnt purposely feel the way he did. We have nothing to be angry with them about. Yes they are not in contact but in a way it is a good thing because how would you feel if he contacted you saying he misses you? for me it would be harder as it is like rubbing salt on your wounds.As Ascending has mentioned "actions speak louder in words". All we can do is have faith in the love we have had and be patient i guess.

 

Ascending thanks for your reply. Those are the type of msgs i was hoping for. Not that i wanted to just hear things to make me happy when i knew things were sour but i think your right, we just have to grant them space. What i dont want however is for our ex's to think that although they have problems, our loved ones are looking down on them. if anything this is the time we want to be there for our loved ones and help them. But i agree this may be something they have to do on their own and for them to realise independently.

[adviseseeker]

Oh man, I'm with you too.

 

For me, coming close to 5 months now. 2 year relationship, he's 25 I'm 22, he said he needed space because he was confused and scared (of getting married). I know how you feel too, they haven't done anything 'wrong' that's what makes it so hard. I can't be mad at him for needing space and for being confused. He did what he felt was right at the time...Unfortunately I tried to get him to come back right away (he broke up with me and afterward said he wasn't sure and needed space) and most likely embarrassed myself. Luckily, I think he forgets a majority of the things that happen, maybe he blocked it out of his memory I remember things so vividly because I did so many emotional driven things (messages, phone calls, emails) whereas I think he has forgotten a lot of it over time.

 

I can definitely relate to your situation (you should PM me) as things were going so well, and there was so much love between us. I do well for myself, I'm a student but I landed myself a really great job for the summer which made a lot of money and is going to propel me in my career when I'm finished, so he might have been slightly jealous because I was making money while he wasn't. He started in school last year so he had to stop working, I guess not making money is a big issue for him. I think a lot of it is focusing on his job and getting that area of his life straightened out (he's about to finish school at the end of the month now) and he mentioned applying for jobs the last time I saw him.

 

He never told me any of these things as being a part of the reason though, just said he's confused but I think it plays a role. Most of it has to do with checking to see what else it out there too I think.

 

I don't know, the only thing we can do is nothing really. Don't call or message, just live your life with him as an after thought. My feelings haven't faded, I'm not so much an emotional wreck anymore but I have my days. Still want to be with him, wish it wasn't so complicated though because losing the feelings would make it easier to get on with life, but oh well. Go do some fun things! Get your life back, make some improvements and try to be happy. You can check my posts, although I'm sure it will just be depressing

[BriarRose]

well currently it doesn't matter. You have to live your life. You are right, you should've been in it together. That's part of what makes a couple strong, being able to work through tough spots.

 

I agree. "Needing space" is a cop-out when people don't care enough to work things out or don't love you enough. He says he felt badly about his situation, but apparently he was up for going to parties and meeting people, which he did.

[shygirl711]

Did he say he wants to see other girls? I asked my ex this when we broke up and he assured me that this was not the case. I asked again when i found out about that girl he was speaking to at the party and he again promised me he was not interested in any other girls. Like i said before i did not see anything concrete to think otherwise. If i really love him and trust him then i guess thats all i can hold on to. But i was naive. And looking back if we got back together i would not be the same. I would have my guard up in case i got hurt a gain.

 

Alot of people on here suggest that when something like this happens its best to move on. but from judgeing it all its like people that only know the main points of my probs will say thats the only option. No one really picks up that for 5 yrs we were madly in love and thinking about getting married. He did not have cold feet abt this which is y its all a blur. I would not even contemplate throwing 5 yrs of our relationship down the drain because he has asked for space. I love him and sometimes even though your not happy, all you want is for your loved ones to have happiness, even though you may not be included in it.

 

My ex knows what i want, ive laid out all my cards. He knows i want to be with him, he knows i want to be able to share my life with him. And straight after the breakup i was begging him to not let our relationship go. But Thats all i can do now. I wont contact him for a while. Thats where some sayings come into play "if you love something let it go, if they come back, their yours". Again all we can do is be patient and i say it again, have faith in your love. advise seeker you should totally be able to relate. With strong love in your relationship you should be able to feel it. There is no need for my ex to keep calling me to say it. I can feel he does. Did you and your bf talk abt the future? what ive come to try and understand is that my boyfriend knows how i feel abt him. even though we may be young, for me there is no point getting deeply involved if we are not looking in the same direction. Sometimes it takes for them to step out of the picture to realise what they have.

[adviseseeker]

Well to be honest I hadn't even thought about whether he just wanted to see someone else, I trusted him completely and I knew that it wasn't about that at all (we had a 'talk' a month before it happened where he attempted to explain the problems he was having and it was all about personal space) but when we had a talk a week or so after he just told me straight up 'I'm not seeing anyone and I'm not even thinking about seeing anybody else right now' so yes he assured me, and I didn't even ask. Also though it may have applied during that first month, but I have no idea if it still applies. He set up a dating profile on a website a month after that so yes he may say it now, but it could play a role in his decision process later if he does start meeting new people (months later the profile is down). Same with me though, I gave a guy my number last night! Doesn't mean I want to start dating but I'm considering my options now...if he starts considering his options you should too.

 

That's strange that he never had cold feet, are you sure? I know it's hard to even consider it but sometimes we see only what we want to see. I definitely thought that since we talked about marriage and kids and buying a place together that he was comfortable with these things - he was happy to talk about it even brought it up on his own, so I had no concerns whatsoever. BUT there were things that I just pretended weren't there, he had said before (early on) that he didn't believe in the idea of marriage - he didn't see the point for some reason. He never waivered on wanting kids/moving and talking about future things but marriage he really didn't like talking about. He asked me once if I would ever leave him and I laughed and said of course not! Then I asked him the same back, and he said jokingly 'I'll never leave you...until further notice'. Sure I thought it was cute at the time and just a joke, but I didn't realize that it was commitment-issues staring me in the face. He was never concrete, I don't doubt his love for me not at all I know he loves me and always will, but the commitment was never 100% forever for him. The idea of making a commitment to me for the rest of his life was too much... I'm starting accept that it might always be too much.

 

It's easy to say just move on isn't it? I haven't yet and a part of me will never be fully moved on from him if this is really the end. It's not about moving on with our situations, it's about letting go with love. *It doesn't mean you have to stop living your life* you can be uncertain, unsure about whether or not he's coming back but you can live your life just the same. You know he loves you and it's completely out of your control, so remove the responsibility from your shoulders. I hope you see it soon, but you have been given freedom too and just because it wasn't your choice doesn't mean you shouldn't embrace it and enjoy it! I'm starting to actually like the freedom a bit (not enough to choose it over a relationship) knowing that it's probably temporary for me anyway.

 

Yep, the love was very strong, I miss him and think about him everyday. I believe he probably does too, maybe to a lesser degree. I still don't know what will happen in the future but 5 months is not long enough so who knows how much time will be enough for a decision. I might even meet someone else in that time, but the idea of taking a risk and choosing someone new over my ex does not appeal to me right now. I already know what to expect with him and I already figured out that he can provide everything I want in a relationship (if he can commit), so unless we are completely done or a new person that is everything he is and more comes along I will be patient for now. One thing I've learned is that he really really wants/needs this space and that by just contacting him, not even being physically near him, is enough to take it away from him - so please try your best not to because you'll have bad days and probably want to.