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Being in the backseat


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I'm have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He has two kids, daughter age 2 and son age 4. His daughter and i have bonded and get along well. But his son and I seem to have problems. i can tell that he favors his son, I have not been the only one to see this, and that causes me to feel jealous a lot. I feel bad about it, and he assures me that he does not favor his son. He told me tonight that the one thing holding him back from proposing is that he can tell that I have not completely let his kids in. I feel like i'm half way there. But I don't want to take the backseat of his affection. And i'm not saying they need the backseat, i'm saying I want to be just as important to him. I don't like the idea that i'm not getting the amount of love and affection I deserve. I always told myself not to settle. I feel like i'm in between a rock and a hard place. i don't know what to say or do. I don't know how to fix this. Anyone know what i'm going through? preferably someone who has gone through this. I don't have kids, he has two, I don't want more, I want to be with him and watch his kids grow. But i'm having a hard time.

If you want to reply just to say something mean or hurtful to me, don't. I came for advice and support not to hear your jerk comments. so if you have any keep them to yourself. I won't read them and I don't care.

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I am kind of in the same situation, i have been dating someone for a year and she has a child that is 15 , The child and i get along ,but she has no respect for her mom. I used to try to give advice and have come to the conclusion its just best to be be supportive of the person your with, and if they really care about you things will work out

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I think as you spend more time with each other two things will happen #1 He will gain more respect for who you are and see the asset you could be in has life. 2# He will not see you for who you are and if that happens (which shouldnt if he is smart) but if it does that just means you found out how he really is ...... and should just move on and find someone right for you.

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I'm going to be blunt here and If you get offended, all I say say is you shouldn't. You came here for advice and you don't want negative comments, which I completely understand and what I will say now from my perspective wont be negative,but if it is in your eyes please do let me know.

 

He only sees his kids on the weekend, which means there are five days you get more than they do. In that aspect you get a bit more time with him. I'm going to presume that before entering a relationship with this man you knew he had kids. That is when you should have thought about if you truly wanted a man you WILL and DO have to share. You don't have to share him with another lady (at least I hope not) but they are his kids and they should be number one.

You can't ever be equal with a man or woman's child for that matter. Even if you were to have kids with him, he should still put that child before you or anyone else.

 

That's not to say that he should neglect you, but they are two very different relationships.

His kids are young only once and they will be there forever and if he wants a good relationship with his kids in the long run he has to favor them. It's that simple.

You are a girlfriend, girlfriends come and go, wife's come and go, but kids they are forever.

 

I am not a parent and that is also why I probably wouldn't enter a relationship with a man that does have kids. I'd want to have him all to myself, without the ex calling about the kids, kids needing weekends and whatever else that comes with having children.

 

Deciding you don't want kids is your privilege, but you do have to remember, you are not their mother and at best you can be just their friend.

I'm sure some kids have wonderful relationships with stepparents, but there are probably a lot more that don't.

 

These are all factors you have to take into consideration and his kids are a package that comes with him.

 

You, either need to take the backseat in some instances while they are young or end it with this man and find one that does not have children.

I'm sure it is a little different as kids grow up and a different set of problems may or may not arise. It's something you need to decide if you are prepared to deal with in the future.

But to ask of him to favor you, over his kids. That's selfish and shouldn't even be discussed in my opinion.

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I dated a man with children and was never totally comfortable with them. It started that they were with him every other weekend and one night during the week. I used to go to his place on weekends so I was only seeing them every other weekend. At some point the visitation changed and it became more often. When we got married I went from seeing them every other weekend to every few days. I always felt like they came before me in my husband's eyes. We had a lot of arguments about the kids. If I had known then what I know now, I would have paid attention to the red flags that were going up. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me.

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will get used to it over time. If it is a problem for you now, it will be a bigger problem if you get married.

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I agree with petite. If he was totally neglecting you and just being a jerk full stop, that would be different. But children always come first, and if you truly can't handle that then you need to stop and think how big a problem this would be were the two of you to get married. Obviously, he already has thought about this and is being upfront with you about it.

 

You simply cannot ask a dad to put his girlfriend/fiance before his kiddies, especially at such a tender young age. I think it's wonderful he's being such a great dad, as we all hear the horror stories of the ones who just up and leave. You need to really decide if this is the sort of relationship you want. You're only 23, it's awfully young to be playing the stepmum role, and if you're looking for a relationship where you're worshipped and fawned over 24/7 and made number 1 disregarding all others, then a guy with kids isn't going to cut it.

 

Sorry...I truly hope that's not too harsh. Just trying to be realistic.

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No man has ever come before my son and never will. My current bf has 4 boys and feels the same way. Our kids are all grown now, but our kids are still our heart. I love him and vice versa, but I am sooooo glad we never played the "I want to be noticed, too!" game that so many people play with parents. Hey, we caused these people to exist and be born, how can you compete with that? You can't. That is why single people have such a hard time dating people with kids, it's two different worlds. If you can't deal with the fact that his children will always have priority over you, and I'm not saying this is wrong, then you should find someone who doesn't have children to date.

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The kids are babies 2 and 4 years old and he SHOULD put them first! He's a father and he has responsibilities to take care of them. You are an adult who should be able understand that. There's no need to compete for affection - the children need it more (rightly so). He's doing the right thing and they should, and will, always come first.

 

He's not neglecting you. He only sees his kids on weekends, which is hardly at all, so yes, he should be putting them first. It is wrong to ask a father to put his kids second.

You either have to learn to deal with this or it won't ever work. Choice is yours.

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I am in the exact opposite picture as you and I can tell you from a parents prospective that my kids will always come first. As a parent, I want somebody who is willing to take an active role in our family life. I don't want a by-stander who waits and wants me to give them attention. I feel I give pretty equal attention to all who are in my circle, but my kids schedules/needs will come first-always.

I am actually going through this right now with the man I'm dating, I have kids, his is out of the house and I'm looking at it as if you are a partner with me, you are also a partner with my kids. If that makes you uncomfortable then maybe the relationship needs to be re-evaluated (as I am doing now).

Please give this long thought, children don't go away and actually become more time demanding as they grow older. If you are already doubting the time spent, I'm afraid it won't get much better unless YOU can come to an acceptance that this is how life will be

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Going to sound harsh but...

 

Children > Girlfriends and Wives. ALWAYS. I don't know how you could even be attracted to a guy who puts you before his own flesh and blood children. You need to keep things in perspective. It really is ridiculous to be jealous of his 4 year old son. What is that about?

 

Maybe you can't help yourself but you need to try and get over it. This is a HUGE red flag for any guy with children, nobody worth his salt is going to pick a woman over his own kids, -no matter how much he loves her-. And frankly, no woman worth her salt would ask him to. I understand you can't help feeling this way but for the love of god don't vocalize it to him, you need to work this out in your own head.

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