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my boyfriend is gay or bi and lying to me


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I hope this works. I can't talk to my friends or family about this yet.

I have been in a relationship with a guy that I actually knew of years ago when we were just out of high school. We hadn't seen each other for about 15 years, but found each other on Facebook and have now been dating for just over 10 months. We both have trust issues, and I unfortunately did some snooping after a few instances of lying on his part. He had left his email up on my computer accidentally (I closed the laptop and thought it would shut down but when I opened it back up it was still logged into his acct). I found a sent message in his account to two men who were looking for other men to "play" with. They had posted on Craigslist. I confronted him and he at first was angry, then he said he has a friend that he thinks did it while using his email but he can't deceive his friend by telling me who. Later he said he asked around and found out it was a different friend who had done it under his email account as a joke.

I started doing more snooping because I wasn't buying it. Well, I found some other things...but they were all relating to seaking out women. He had a profile on some hookup site that said man seeking women for threesomes, etc. I saw that he went into a lot of porn sites, and also that he calls and has phone sex through some Mistress thing. So I at least felt like he was into women, and the profile he had created on the hookup site was from long before we were dating and currently inactive. I decided to chalk it up to him being a little more "wild" sexually then he wants me to know about and not sure why. He had been very "mellow" sexually up to that point. Never takes my clothes off, I have to. Does not like oral sex (me to him is fine, but he doesn't do that to women he says), and has a hard time keeping an erection. He gets excited just from kissing me, but many times it goes away as soon as we start.

Oh almost forgot. I confronted him after doing more snooping and I told that I saw he had reached out to both female and male type adult stuff, because my gut was still telling me he did the Craigslist thing. He ended up telling me that at one point he thought he might be gay, but he's sure now that he's not.

Well, I just did a little more snooping yesterday. I found a profile, no pic, but his birthdate, height, weight, etc. Created in Jan of 2009, 4 months before we started dating. The profile was not accepted due to lack of info, but it said man seeking man for one-on-one, and stuff about threesomes with other men and wanting to be dominated. I also saw a bank statement with a debit for "Club Cleveland". I googled it and the gay bath house place kept coming up. Not sure if that's how they would have charged his acct, but too weird. Also saw a debit for a Flexeco Inc Cleveland and that googles as more of this gay bath house stuff, which I never heard of until now.

Well, since I first approached him to talk about him being gay or bi, things are actually better. Like he's relieved because he finally got to let some of this out. I told him it doesn't make him a bad person, but I just don't want to be cheated on. He said he loves me and this is what he wants and he knows he's not gay. I am very much in love with him and will be crushed if he is cheating. Should I assume this new stuff, the profile for man seeking man, Club Cleveland and Flexeco Cleve stuff is what google shows it probably is? And if so, I guess I have to assume that a) he is gay and b)it was him reaching out to the Craiglist ad. Which means he is cheating on me...right ?

Could have spent the rest of my life with this guy. Just needed to work on our trust stuff...or so I thought.

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Oh wow, I'm so sorry!!! That's so rough. You need to run, far away as fast as you can. I'm assuming he cheated, and if for some reason he didn't, he will. He betrayed you in the worst way, he lied to you, he snuck around behind your back.... that is not someone you need to involve yourself in. Be strong.

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I would imagine it is too much of a coincidence. He is probably bisexual or gay, or just likes the idea of another guy being there. But he is obviously not sure, or he thinks it would not be right for him to say it somehow. I don't think if you want to have a normal one-on-one relationship that this guy will be able to give it to you.

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Yep, there are far too many coincidences here. It's far too convenient that he says his friends joking sent responses to men on Craigslist and then, he admits he, at one time, thought he might be gay. On top of that, the credits to his account for, apparently, gay bath houses AND his newest ad looking for male sexual partners.

 

None of it adds up.

 

If I were you, I'd confront him about it and get out quick. He might not have cheated on you, but it seems clear that, given the opportunity, he would.

 

It's unfortunate for both of you, really, particularly because he seems unable to accept his sexuality out in the open. Personally, I say you shouldn't stick around. It's not fair to you to always have these questions and doubts hanging over the relationship.

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Thanks. I'm afraid that is the answer, but trying to accept it and so far really hard. Very much in love and I know he is too. I guess I have to assume he's bi because he is very loving and affectionate with me and gets excited when I just hug him. Everything I found is still from before us being together, with the exception of this Craigslist thing. My mind wants to talk myself into believing that it was nothing and that all that other stuff was in the past. Not sure if I will be able to believe myself for long though.

Nice to know there are people to reach out to. This really helps.

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Thanks. I'm afraid that is the answer, but trying to accept it and so far really hard. Very much in love and I know he is too. I guess I have to assume he's bi because he is very loving and affectionate with me and gets excited when I just hug him. Everything I found is still from before us being together, with the exception of this Craigslist thing. My mind wants to talk myself into believing that it was nothing and that all that other stuff was in the past. Not sure if I will be able to believe myself for long though.

Nice to know there are people to reach out to. This really helps.

 

How much can a person possibly love someone if they continually lie and cheat? He may "love" you, but he sure as hell doesn't respect you.

 

I understand how hard it is. When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I didn't want to believe it either. I was in denial for a long time, thinking he had changed, blah blah blah. People like them don't change.

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i'm confused on the timelines here. if you have suspicions that he's cheating on you (or taking active steps to do so) while you're together, that's one thing. but if he's bi (and has sought out guys in the past) so what? just b/c he's attracted to men and women doesn't mean he can't commit to one woman. so, i think you two need to have a really open and honest conversation about all of these, either way. it sounds like you're heading down a pretty unhealthy road at this point (you feeling lied to and the need to snoop through his stuff, him having to defend it) and so at this point it seems like the options are either to cut it off now or to see if you can make it work. things clearly can't keep going this same way!

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That's my only problem. I can actually most likely handle it if he's bi, although this would be very new thing for me. As long as he tells me everything, and as long as he doesn't cheat. There are 2 things that I have seen that fall under the timeframe of us being together. One was a charge to this Club Cleve in Oct of 2009. I looked at their fees and it looks like it's the annual membership fee that got paid. I don't know if it automatically comes out, or if he actively paid it. If he did renew the membership, does that mean he plans on using it again if he hasn't already? The other thing is this Craigslist reply in January of this year. But he says he didn't do it. He is really really close to all his friends. They have all known each other since high school and are all either never married or recently divorced. They talk every day, which my girlfriends and I don't even do. Not saying it's part of the gay/bi thing, just that they are at his house often and he says they use his computer. But his actual email account? That seems weird and I feel like if one of them did reply to this Craigslist thing under his email as a joke on him, they would have said a little more than "very interested and very sincere. I know I'm a day late, but I would love to see you guys in the flesh. Please respond". That sounds like a very real response, not a joke...right? So the timeframe is this...everything was done before me except one charge to Club Cleve that I believe was an annual fee, and one Craigslist response that he claims was not him. He completely opened up about wondering if he's gay in the past, etc and I want to believe that we will have honestly now that's out. Our sex life has even improved since that came out. We no longer have the impotency issues. So I want to feel like he's telling the truth and relieved that I know so he doesn't feel so all alone and like he's living this big lie.

But, did he do this Craiglist thing or not and was this charge to the bath place an automatic renewal fee? I just don't know. Hope they are nothing, but afraid they are.

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There is a difference between him possibly being bi but being able to commit to you and this club thing. Going to gay bath houses or things like that is a different and risky lifestyle - I would say the same thing if he was straight and subscribed to membership at a swinger's club. It puts you at risk for STD's too even if it was before you met. When a guy meets a girl, sure, he might have the dating site membership renewed for a few more months unbeknownst to him but I am sure a club like that is not any 9 bucks a month. I think you have to stop with the "but I love him" and honestly look at things honestly for what they are.

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I would just advise caution about having an "honest" conversation with him. From all of the things you said, he does not seem to be ready for an honest conversation about his sexual desires and, more importantly, his sexual behaviors while he is with you. I know that snooping is wrong, but you did say that part of the reason you started snooping is because he was already lying to you. It seems like your relationship is too new for all of this to be happening already, and not even with women!

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The relationship was already over when you felt the need to go behind his back and snoop into his email accounts. You do have trust issues and it may be something you need to work on if you are ever hoping to have healthy relationships in the future.

 

The outcome is irrelevant, it was wrong for you to snoop around in his email and chat accounts.

 

Just my opinion.

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UPDATE!! I told him that I'm now aware of him going to the gay bath house while in a relationship with me. He, of course, wanted to know how I knew. But first I needed him to tell me what that was all about. Thought that was the first priority. He never directly said he went, but said "if I HAD gone, know that I never actually touched anyone or was touched". He has been to these gay bath places more than once. He says it's just a weird fantasy for him...the whole man-to-man sex thing. Am I really to believe that although he's been to these places, he never actually physically did anything?

He keeps saying he has these fantasies so he goes to the virutal world to fulfill them. Do you think that if he really just wanted to virtually satisfy himself that he would have a) created a profile for man-seeking-man on link removed, b) reply to a Craigslist posting in which two men were looking for another man to "play" with and c) physically get in the car and drive to gay bath houses that are about 20 miles from home? Anyone think there is any possible way that despite all of these things, he still just has these fantasies but would never "physically" act on them??? I want to believe it. But.....wow. Need unbiased feedback for this, please. My heart is in it way too deep and my friends will want to pretty much kill him if I tell them all of this stuff.

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Wow...that's like saying "I went to a wh*rehouse, but I didnt get laid". yeah, come on! I'm sure that if he went, something happened.

 

But to play devil's advocate...I have gone to swinger parties and private clubs where people are having sex and multiples and I didnt join. I just watched. So, in all honesty, he could have just gone and watched.

 

to conclude, I'm not sure whether you should believe him or not, as I can see him going and just watching. Most places like that allow you to watch and only participate if you are comfortable doing so.

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Right! I actually went to a swinger's club once, when I was single, because my friend's friend bartended there and he kept wanting her to come. So I joined. Did nothing, was just there. So I know that you can be at a place like that and not actually do anything. Thus my confusion. But...would he create a profile for man-seeking-man if he never had any intention of actually meeting up with a man? I mean, do people create profiles like this simply to email each other and get off that way? I thought that you create those (link removed specifically...in case anyone knows what the sight's all about and can help me know) to actually meet up, not just to talk online? ANyone know, please???

Then the Craigslist thing. Would he have replied at 9 AM (this is important, cuz he def wan't drunk at this time) to two men who wanted to meet up discreetly without any intention of actually meeting up with them??

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It really sounds like he's intersted in male on male contact. But as to whether or not he's gay or bi, or if he's had contact of some sort, it's still very unclear.

 

I say just drop it, dont stress over it. But keep an eye on him. And better than anything, talk to him about it. Tell him that you understand him being curious about that, and that you want him to talk to you about it. Offer to go to a gay bar with him, that way you both can see guys together. See how he reacts. Offer to support him, and understand him and make it clear that you are not judging him.

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That;s true... but..

The difference is that you basically went to make sure your friend had someone to go with. You didn't fantasize day and night about it and then eventually plan to go. He is very clear about his fantasy. He could be there just for the show and may not approach - but if someone comes over and approaches him and feeds into his fantasy scenario - don't think he's not going to take part. Adult friend finder if you are asking is like a dating site but its for people looking for a "hook up" or looking for a third for a threesome, etc etc. Basically, sex based relationships whether a one time shot or ongoing.

 

BTW, anyone can have fantasies but actively pursuing it like he is doing crosses the line into a behavior or "the way he is wired." He has a choice to stop his risky behavior. (and gay or straight - that IS risky behavior as they are strangers) And explore and be honest with himself about what he is actually doing and get a handle on this. As far as I am concerned - he is like someone with a gambling addiction - the sneaking around, risky behavior, etc maybe that's the thrill. If someone is bi - it doesn't mean they go out and do stuff like this. They could be a total homebody and be attracted to looking at men, but they are all eyes for you. So you putting up with it is not a way to be "open and accepting of the lifestyle". This is YOUR relationship and you don't have to put up with that crap.

 

As far as the orientation thing - looking at a dude once and wondering "how it all works" does not mean someone is gay or bi - but I think it is safe to say that if he is contacting guys like this even if he is "not doing anything" does imply that he's bi. Honesty, putting himself at risk is bigger. Do you really want to be with someone who sneaks around like this?

 

Seriously, I would break it off with him and tell him to figure out what he wants - and you are not going to subject yourself to his experimentation. He is either with you or not - he can't have things both ways. Just as if it were someone putting ads up for girls. If he is really bi or gay and feels that he needs to explore that - well that's all fine for him, but you don't share and need to find someone who will only have eyes for you.

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It really sounds like he's intersted in male on male contact. But as to whether or not he's gay or bi, or if he's had contact of some sort, it's still very unclear.

 

I say just drop it, dont stress over it. But keep an eye on him. And better than anything, talk to him about it. Tell him that you understand him being curious about that, and that you want him to talk to you about it. Offer to go to a gay bar with him, that way you both can see guys together. See how he reacts. Offer to support him, and understand him and make it clear that you are not judging him.

 

I believe in "not judging" if he is a friend - but since they are in a relationship he puts her at risk if he really did something and is not telling. And not just STDs - if he is meeting people in bath houses or trolling on craigslist - its not like he is meeting his mom's bridge partner's son.

Also, she has the right to decide what she wants and what she won't put up with in a relationship. She doesn't have to "accept" this. I am glad he is sort of finally being a little bit open about things, but she should stop sleeping with him until he can sort himself out and she needs to decide that if she should be in this relationship. I have learned that because you love someone - you don't have to be "with" them if they are not 100% into you and only you.

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Orientation aside there are serious trust issues between the OP and her bf. I can't believe she thinks it is OK to snoop in her bf's email and chat accounts rather than simply being upfront and asking him about it. If she feels she can't trust him that she is forced to sneak around behind his back, then what is the point of being together?

 

What about her next bf, is this how she will deal with her trust issues?

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I do have major trust issues. No excuses, but have been lied to by every guy I've ever been in a serious relationship and men who were supposed to be decent with me as a child betrayed that trust (molested by Stepfather then Great Uncle from 3-8 yrs old). I don't want to become bitter and I do want to trust and just love. I need to work on this more.

Thanks to all of you for your help. I love this site now.

We broke it off. It's hard. I'm still in love after all this and I know he is too. Just got a text from him that said "lonely" and I'm trying my best to ignore it. One really hard thing ahead: we live 8 doors from each other in the same condo complex. I have to drive past his place every time I pull into the complex to get to my place. I did delete him from my FB account, so I'm "safe" once i"m in the house!

I am very sad, but starting to feel angry too. No one has a right to pull a woman and her daughter into their world when they are hiding their true sexuality and running around trying to satisfy that part of their "fantasies" (as he called it).

While it's not okay to snoop, it's also not okay to be 37 years old and still be secretive about your own sexuality and urges and how to supress them....yet enter into a relationship that you claim to be fully committed to. He had every intention of marrying me, we talked about it many times and I have no doubt that it would have happened.

I'm still unclear as to whether or not he ever had physical contact, but am going with my gut. And my gut says that if he drove to these bath houses and was replying to men on Craigslist and had a profile created on adultfriendfinder....he did.

Now the hardest part. Reminding myself of these things consistently so I don't waiver and let myself doubt that cheating happened. . So devastated. Got that empty pit in stomach, shaking, sleepless, no appetite, hard to breath feeling.

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Girl, hang in there! I'm glad that you went with your gut. Usually it is spot on. I'm sorry for the break up and I know it hurts, but you are right in that a man his age should have other priorities in his life and cheating and going to bathhouses is not conducsive to a healthy relationship that is headed toward marriage.

 

You should not have snooped in his stuff. But he should not have given you reason to. I'm glad that you did snoop. what if you had married him? And found out after a year of marriage, when you and your daughter are living with him? It would have been so much worse, had you not snooped. The way I look it is that you have your little one to protect too. So, good for you for doing what needed to be done. Huggs to you...Cat

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You should not have snooped in his stuff. But he should not have given you reason to.

 

Perfect example of where you're using behavior that is clearly wrong but you are using rationalization to make it right.

 

The bf may have done things "not conducive to a healthy relationship", but so has the OP.

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