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Is a discussion with the Ex really necessary?


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ok so i would like to know if this is a good idea or not. the break up was really bad, i found out she was cheating and went nuts on her...said really bad stuff to her just to hurt her and make her feel the same pain i felt...but anyway...after the dust has settled and i thought about all the things i said, i feel like i want to let her know i am sorry for everything that came out of my mouth. doesnt mean i forgive her for what she did but I just regret I went that low with her...i already wrote the email and i am hesitant as to whether to send it or not...I dont want her to look at this as a sign of weakness or anything, i just dnt want us to be ennemies for life after everything we had together...does anyone relate to this? i have been no contact for a month now but yesterday we just saw each other in the gym and didnt even say hi to each other...it just hurts...

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It really depends if you want something with the person in the future, or you just want to get some closure and set all the bad energy our and away from you.

 

Personally, I have sent an email to my cheater asking for the truth and why he cheated. I got nothing back and that is okay. It shows what kind of a person he really is. I realize he never truly cared and am learning to move on now.

 

Would I like for him to at least apologize and show empathy? Yes, because it would show he is at least sorry on paper.

 

As for the bad things you said, really, I think it should be her contacting YOU to say sorry, since she cheated. But as I said above, if it will help you move on and be more positive, go ahead. Just don't be surprised if you get a nasty reply or nothing at all.

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I've done this very thing. Each and every time ex cheated and left me and I ended up saying angry things I regretted. I would soften, calm down, feel bad, send some heartfelt apology. For some reason, it always opened the door for him to write back something mean, blaming me, with twisted logic, for his behavior.

 

This time, I'm not going to do it again. He has treated me terribly and he doesn't feel the need to say more than, "I'm sorry for the things we did that hurt each other." Frankly, if someone is lying and cheating, they are acting like total jerks, and getting angry at them is probably quite justified (unless there is physical violence).

 

You can apologize to yourself, you know? You can acknowledge that you wish you'd handled it with more grace and restraint, but does she REALLY deserve an apology from you?

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"You can apologize to yourself, you know? You can acknowledge that you wish you'd handled it with more grace and restraint, but does she REALLY deserve an apology from you?"

 

I do wish I handled it better yes, I dont know if she deserves an apology from me or not, she never came and apologized for the things she did to me until she got busted. before I found out she used to cry on my shoulders and say she was sorry over and over but I asked her whats wrong and she never told me...until I found out that she saw this guy 3 times behind my back and things started making sense...I dont know why i keep thinking about all this, my life is hell right now and I wish i could erase her completely from my subconscious mind....I am at the lowest point of my life right now because of the hurt she caused me....it is like i am trying to know how much of the time we spent together was a lie and how much was real....because right now I dont know.

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Yes I would like things to be like they were before this mess. But I cannot, I just know I cannot forgive her her betrayal and i cannot turn back time. that letter was just to say sorry for all the wrong things I said. all my friends and family know what she did, even if we were to get back together I would look like a wuss, which i am not. I have never been this confused in my life.

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Relax for a minute.. At this point, there is no need to send an apology letter for your actions.. You acted on emotions & yes the fact is that you acted nuts and that is understandable considering the events. Finding out that your significant other cheated on you is not something that any sane person can handle in a calm manner.. So your actions are forgivable as long as you did not get physically violent or threaten her..

 

Take some time off for now and just relax.. An apology letter is unnecessary at this particular time.. You both need more time to just let the air & bad energy dissipate between you. It will take a while and I MEAN A WHILE.. It going take time to even be able to interact with her without strong emotions coming into play, those emotions can be anger, resentment & and even love..

 

Don't feel guilty for your actions right now.. When you are in a better position of controlling your your emotions and the opportunity arise for you and her to interact about the the fallout, then you can can apologize if you deem it necessary at that time.. But again that will take a LONG TIME..LONG TIME.. LONG TIME.

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"Real" , i wish i could relax, i am on medications 24/7, during the day i take some pain killers for my back that relaxes my nerves. and at night an anti depressant to sleep. first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning is her. and the last thing before i sleep is her. i am not really feeling guilty...and i dont know if it is even closure im looking for...she really messed me up big time...and its hard to control myself or my mind these days it seems...

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I think at this point its better off if you dont say anything. You arent in the right frame of mind right now. In time when (if) you truly forgive her you will be able to decide if you want to apologize.

 

 

Look, what you did was a reaction to the pain she caused you, I think she understands that what other kind of reaction would a person expect? Since you do not want to get back with her, you dont have to worry about it right now. Forgive yourself, you got mad because she hurt you, thats normal. Its normal to want to hurt someone back in the heat of the moment. She is the one that is in the wrong and compared to what you did her issue is SO much more in need of asking forgiveness. So forgive yourself over this, work on moving on and then when you feel better you can decide what you should apologise for.

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"the dude" i think you are right. i think what i really want from this letter is to start a conversation and get to the point and reason why she did what she did, i think i just want to know why all this happened and how much of our time together was a lie and how much was real...but does it really matter now? whether i know or not? it is like i want to know if she feels any remorse or regrets at all...

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My friend that is a question you probably already know the answer to if you really think about it and its also one you will have to probably accept that she will not admit to or discuss honestly at the moment. Its definitley one you dont want to talk about with her right now.

 

You probably know in your heart what time together was a lie and what was real. Like you I questioned the entire thing when she left the way she did. What I have found that my gut about what she felt and when was right on(I still talk to her).

 

Sure you may find something about a specific incident or some more specifics about timing, but in general I have found that exactly what I thought was the most likely scenario, was correct. You are in a bad place right now and I can tell you that it does get easier in time, it takes a while but you do come out of it. You should really focus on yourself and not worry about what week things started going badly or exactly what sparked it... You are not going back to this person (since you cant possibly trust her now) so work on yourself, then later on if you want to discuss why she did it you will be able to. If you do it now, you are going to take it much harder and its going to make you miserable longer than if you take care of yourself then go answer the questions you have (if you even still care at that point). Talking with her at this point is going to make things worse for you not better, even if you think it will. What you should do is accept things the way they are, move on, then if you must go ahead and explore more about what happened.

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I think i will follow your advice and keep this letter to myself...Life is miserable enough right now I dont wanna make it worse on me....I need to stop checking that freeekn facebook...I dont know why i keep doing it...

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