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My story with my ex, and seeking advice..


dre760

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Okay so my gf (now ex gf) dumped me about 2 months ago. We were together for a year and a half.

 

If you want to read my previous thread. Pm me and I will send u the link. (I cant post it because its on a different forum)

 

 

 

 

Her reasons for breaking up with me was because I was a very jealous person and was very selfish during our relationship. She didn't want to be held back anymore, and didn't want to look back on her life and see her as always being the girl with a boyfriend who never really did anything. Before we were together she was with another guy for a year. She literally jumped straight over from him to me with no time in between. So basically she hasnt been single for about 3 years. And that was when she was 15. I am 19. She is 18 now and we both go to the same college. (Like I said before all this and the entire story can be read in my previous post.)

 

So the first two days of the break up i did the begging and all that which obviously didnt work. A week or so goes by and she comes over to pick up her stuff. We hug and make small talk and then she left. Neither of us asked about how we were feeling or about the breakup ect... A few more days go by and I call her to see if she wants to hangout. She tells me she doesnt think it would be a good idea. I agreed and apoligized for asking.

 

Another week goes by of no contact. I see her at school driving and we both smiled and waved to each other.

 

Another day or two of no contact goes by then she texts me asking if I have some college books that she can buy off me or if she can have them. I said she can have them if she wants. She seemed really happy and said thanks. Later that day she texts me asking if she can stop by to pick up the books. I agreed and she came over. While she was here she really acted normal and the awkwardness wasn't there. We talked for a good 20 minutes or so when I asked her if she watched a show the other night that we always used to watch together. She said she didn't and asked if I had it on my DVR. I said yes and she asked if we could watch it. I agreed and we watched it. The show finished and we talked for another 5 or 10 minutes or so. Still not asking about the break up or how we've been doing or any of that. She then asks about my schedule on Wednesdays. Turns out its very similar to hers and she asked me if I wanted to carpool. I agreed and then we said goodbye.

 

Never heard from her about carpooling and we never did it.

 

Another week of NC goes by. She then initiated contact with me about the new episode of the show that aired the previous night. It was on my DVR and we got together later that day and watched it. Still not bringing up anything about our relationship or carpooling, we just talked about school and other things.

 

About another week of NC goes by. I called her to see if she wanted to get some coffee. (note: I did not call her out of desperation or because I'm trying to get back with her. It has been a month of very limited contact and i have not shown her any signs of desperation or anything.)

 

I originally planned on just meeting her at starbucks for like 30 mins or so but she said she wanted to come over then we would go together.

 

So she came over and we talked about just casual stuff and it was really good to see her. There was no awkwardness and everything just felt normal like we are just good friends. Neither of us asked about how we've been or about the break up or anything.

 

So we go get coffee together and we come back to my place. We again just sat and talked for about 2 hours. One thing that caught my eye was that whenever we would bring up a movie or something that she recently saw in theaters, she would always seem to mention that no guys were there.. For example, "she would say oh yah i saw this movie..... I was with my aunt." And another time, she told me she had plans to go to a party this one night and she was in the area of a movie theater and decided she didnt want to go to the party so she got dinner all by herself and watched the movie all by herself. I thought this was kind of strange and don't really know what to think.

 

She also was saying how stressed she has been lately. She has a really busy scedule. She is really busy with school, she has been in some intense soccer conditioning , and she just got a job. She says all these things are really just makin her head go crazy and that its really stressing her.

 

Anyways, we talk a lil more and I eventually walk her out and she leaves.

 

 

After our coffee get together she initiated contact with me twice the following week. The first was just a simple facebook message telling me about something that just happened at her house. We talk about it very shortly and then stop talking completely.

 

3 days later she texts me asking if I watched that show that was on my dvr. I told her no and she basically hinted about coming over and watching it with me but I never gave her the invite. For some reason she kept the text conversation going by changing the subject a few times.

 

 

About two weeks ago, she would text me like every 3 days or so.. It is via text and is always about just random and pointless things.

 

I don't understand why she still texts me though? Why does she feel the need to text me lyrics from a song? Or to ask me what im doing because she saw my car outside the school????? Or to tell me about something that just happened at her house???? I dont GET IT.

 

I am not ignoring her... I have been kinda short with her a few times such as not replying right away and waiting a few hours go by. Maybe being short with her has made her want to text me mooreeee? Every time we come into contact now she is always first to initiate it.

 

I wonder if she even realizes what she is doing or if she even thinks about it first before she texts me????

 

 

 

So a little over a week goes by of NC again.. I ran into her at school twice. We just made some small talk and thats all. Still NC for another 5 days or so and she texts me asking for a file on my computer. I sent it to her email. Later that night she calls me and asked if I sent it. I told her I did and she said she never got it. I sent it again to her different email. While on the phone, she asked if I was ok (cuz i sounded mad to her?) I told her I was sick and just conjested (which I was) and that I was doing physics hw and was frustrated (which I was) This was basically the end of the conversation.

 

 

 

So over these two months, I have been keeping busy and have been worrying about myself. I started the NIC after our coffee get together which was about 4-5 weeks ago. I have been working on myself and I can honestly say that I feel that I have changed. I know if we were to get back together I would definitely not make the same mistakes I did before.

 

So why did I make this post? Well I really would like some opinions on my situation. As in what is going through her head? DO I even have a chance? Should I continue with NIC? Should I go NC? Or should I go LC? I love this girl to death and want the best for her.

 

I still have emotional break downs when I hear a sad song or when I'm just thinking about her and how badly I jacked up.. I have been slowly becoming aware that the odds of her coming back are very slim.. She has been going out and partying and just having fun lately.

 

Also our shows that we used to watch are returning on march 8th and 9th. I have a feeling she might contact me about these.. If she doesnt do u think it would be a bad idea to contact her about them??

 

 

 

 

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read my story. I know it is long and I know some of it seems pointless to even write about. But, I feel like you guys need all the detail in order to give the best advice...

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I think that at 18 she is doing what she should be doing, which is dating other people and you should too. Some people meet the love of their life at 15, 16, 17, 18. Those are the people where BOTH of them want to be together for ever an even want to get married. I know a couple like that married right after highschool and are still married 14 years later and she is pregnant with child #6 and they are happy. Other are not so blessed. However, it takes two. If your ex-girlfriend is having these thoughts, they will not go away by being with you. She is most likely doing the right thing.

 

She is probably still texting you because she doesn't hate you or dislike you and wants you in her life as a friend. Because you are so young I think that friendship can actually work for you. Get yourself stronger and healed and once you are okay see if you can be her friend. Who knows what will happen in 5 or 10 years after she has gone through her changes and you both are closer to being the people who you will be. I mean as her friend you can out last all the guys she will date and break up with, and she can out last all the girls you will date and break up with. And if it was meant to be you two may realize that you two should be together.

 

This is only if you can handle it. I think you will meet some other females that will eventually make it okay. Who knows you two may drift apart after dating other people, but you two are young. If even one of you have the feeling of wanting to see what's out there then breaking up now is saving a lot of grief.

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My ex is doing the exact same thing. I can really feel your pain. He talks to me all the time. We laugh about things, joke around, and even compliment each other. We don't make out, or cuddle or anything. It's nice in a very small way....I guess.

I mean it's nice that he doesn't hate me. I once had an ex hate me and that was horrible but having my ex still "just like" me isn't that great either. It frustrates me, leads me on and does all sorts of things to my fragile heart. I seriously have no idea what he is thinking and there's no way to really tell.

 

I guess it all comes down to how much are you willing to take? Yes, you want to be with this girl and yeah you have been giving her space it seems, and yes she treats you kindly...which is all good and dandy but you really want to be with her. It sucks.

 

So far, for about 2 months, I have been holding my ground. I haven't given into emotion. I have been giving him lots of space. I have been treating him kindly but not TOO kindly...just nice enough....and so far all the hard work has given me a very calmed down version of my ex who wasn't so calm and nice before. So in that sense my work has been worth it.

 

So, how much more am I willing to take? Well...what I'm doing right now is I'm testing the waters. I'm not rushing into anything, because that will make him run for the hills knowing my luck, but I am slowly showing the very smallest signs of affection.

 

Last night, when he told me something pretty nice I said "thanks sweetie." I never ever call him that ever. It was my way to see how comfortable he was with me saying something to that extent. He seemed fine with it. He even went on webcam 2 days later....which he never does.

 

So my next little move that I'm going to make with him...is a small hug next time he comes over...just to see. You know...see if he hates it, loves it...or w/e...

 

So...I guess my advice is just slowly see where things are with you and her. Make the smallest of gestures...not too fast though and try to read her emotions through those.

 

Also, taking her somewhere where the two of you once shared fond memories is a good idea too.

Good Luck!

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Thank you for the reply. It seems like our situations are pretty similar. Although I think you area little ahead of me in the game.

 

My ex and I haven't hung out in a while and she hasn't made any attempt to hang out with me lately.

 

Do u think I should stick to NIC? Or should I try and move into LC?

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Well, I'm not 100% certain of this, but it seems like she was talking to you pretty normally more so before than now. Jealousy can be a huge turn off for girls. I once knew a really hot guy who I couldn't be with because his jealously was so insane he almost punched someone out for looking at me....the best way to show you are not jealous is probably just to let her be.

 

I'm going to tell you right now, that when my first boyfriend dumped me, I called him up all the time for hang outs. He was relatively nice to me, but I could tell he wasn't too fond of them. You know, he still went out of his way to come see me if I said "Want to come over?" but it never got me anywhere with him. It even destroyed what little respect he did have for me. He used to phone all the time after the break up....but once I started inviting him over all the time...he stopped phoning.

 

The best thing is for her to mostly go after you. Even if it's only a little bit at first. Don't go after her (it never works) even if it's with something as simple as a coffee date. Don't do it.

 

I think it's best to go NC for now and if she comes around and starts talking to you again go into strict LC with her. Don't invite her to anything...let her do it.

 

I'm kind of worried because the last conversation you had you said you were frustrated and maybe it came off badly from her perspective.

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Best advice I can give is to stay with NC and you know how you said: "She has been going out and partying and just having fun lately"

 

You should do this! Go have some fun without her so then you have some neat things to talk about next time you get the chance to talk to her.

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