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To stay committed, or to go on being single?


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To anyone who wants to give a stranger good advice:

 

Hello, my name is Melissa and I am dating my boyfriend, of 2 years, Bill. I have moved to Orlando, FL, with Bill, about 5 hours away from my home town. We have lived together now, for a year, in Orlando. Bill, is the first person that I have fallen in love with. He has grown to be my best friend and we trust eachother very much. We like to cook and do activities together and I can tell him all my problems, knowing that he will always be there to help. He has not done anything wrong to me. The only thing is, is that I am more of an independent person, while he is more of a needy person. He is also very protective and sometimes possesive, while I like to be by myself and take care of myself. The feelings I have had for him, have turned from being in complete love, to loving him as a best friend more than I would a spouse. I do not seem interested in sex anymore, and I feel more irritated by him, more than usual. I also miss my friends and family, back home...and to be honest with you..I miss being single. I am still young and I feel that I have alot to more living to do and guys to date before I meet the one I want to settle down with. So long story short, I do not think I am ready for commitment. The problem is, is that I care very much for Bill and I am scared of hurting him. I know he hasn't lost any feelings for me, and I'm scared of not having him in my life anymore. He is the best friend, that I have never had. I'm scared of making a wrong choice and making the mistake of loosing him. I'm scared I won't find someone else like him. I know he will never want to talk to me again, after I tell him I've been thinking about moving back home..single. Please share any advice you may have. It will be very appreciated.

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How long have you felt that way? It may be a temporary bump in the relationship if it has not been that long. Usually people that live together often fall into a monotonous routine and start to get irritated more easily. It takes patience. However, if you truly think the feeling is permanent, it would certainly be more damaging to stay with him. Not only will you be hindering your own happiness, you will be hindering him moving on and finding the one for him. He may be extremely hurt at first and might not be interested in being friends but in time as he heals that may change. Good luck!

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Your situation sounds very similar to my ex and I. I'm independent, enjoy having time to myself, and he was a lot more needy. I felt smothered, grew resentful, was no longer interested in sex with him, and yearned to be single again.

 

Nobody wants to hurt someone they care about, but you do have to think of your own happiness. Have you talked to him about needing space, and if so, does he understand and is willing to give it? Arrange for trips to visit your family and friends just by yourself. Find some friends and activities to do without him while in Orlando. See if some time apart will rekindle your feelings. It just might be what you need.

 

In the end, you two might just not be compatible and there's nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of good people out there who are independent as well.

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@Ms Darcy- I am 20 years old. I know that 20 is young, but I often feel and have been told that I act like a 30 year old. I have always had some doubts about being with Bill. I have felt like this for over a year or so now, but it stated off with small doubts, and increasingly became more threatening and bothersome. I feel that if I keep putting it off, those feelings will just come back and keep bothering me. (of wanting to be single again and more independent.) I feel like I just want to focus on myself for a while, instead of being in a committed relationship. But at the same time, I'm scared that I'm making a wrong decision, because he is such a wonderful guy and a great catch. Any girl would be lucky to have a caring boyfriend, like him. I truly care about him and he is my first love.

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@annie24 -Yes. I am very busy usually. I go to school in the mornings and work at night, until 11:00PM. I Volunteer sometimes too. I usually have Thursday nights to spend with Bill, at home, and all day Saturdays. I also spend a little time with him in between I go to school and work (Maybe a couple hours). All my friends are back home, where my family lives and where I'm thinking about moving back to. I do have some friends in Orlando, but not many. I don't really have any time to spend with friends anyways.

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Do you really want to give up your life and happiness for fear of hurting someone? Its a case of you are a jerk if you do and a bigger jerk if you dont.

I would tell him. Tell him how you feel because if you dont do it now, the fights, the insecurities, the resentment is only going to get worse. Better for him to endure the pain now and heal knowing the truth. Its much easier to take the truth than a lie no matter how painful it is. Dont lie to him, dont leave any window for a chance to get back. Just tell him exactly what you feel then let him decide if he wants to be a friend to you. I know you dont want to hurt him, but Im afraid you are going to have to so you can live your life as you want it.

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