How do you let go of what you don't know what you are trying to let go off...

[Rani7]

I don' t know how to let go...

 

I was married for 10 years and 2 years ago I asked for a divorce. I finally decided that "that was it". My ex-husband and I had different values and I knew that he could never give me what I wanted from a relationship, so after 10 years of "accepting less than I deserve" I decided that I wanted to let go. So I asked for a divorce and my husband agreed - if I knew that he would have agreed so easily, I would have asked 4 years ago! But anyway, when I asked for a divorce and moved out and got my own place, I panicked.

 

This is the first time I find I have been by myself and I am panicking! I think I have a problem with "attaching" myself to people to easily. After I accepted that my marriage was over I attached myself to a man at work (he never knew that I liked him), but emotionally I was in too deep. Thankfully, I was made redundant and I had to walk away (I think that was the best thing that could've happened to me). So I have started a new job and I have attached myself to someone again!!! I didn't think he was married (as he never wears a wedding ring) and then I found out he is married and he has 3 kids as well. But the problem is I can't let him go mentally. At first I used to suffer from anxiety when it was time to go home, then came xmas holidays and him and I would make intense eye contact and somehow we used to always bump into each other. To be honest, I think we are synchronised and deep down I think him and I have a connection, but at the same time I think it has a lot to do with my "attachment" issue. Whatever it is, it's really hard for me to manager as it drains me! and it leaves me feeling empty, so it can't be love right? I think I love him, but I don't even talk to him. I don't know what to do!

 

I am in the process of moving home, so when I settle I will get some counselling. I do not have the support of my family (as they didn't support my decision for me to marry my ex-husband). I just feel so so alone sometimes.

 

I don't know what to do or how to manage these feelings...I feel alone, is that normal? Do I have a problem witj attachment or is he the "one"?

 

Am I being desperate? Sometimes I feel that I act from a place of desperation. I know I am 37 and I should be able to deal with this by now, but it's not easy just to switch off and start again.

 

I am trying to work on myself to change my way of thinking, but sometimes everything just seems to be so complicated.

 

I don' t know how to let go...

 

I was married for 10 years and 2 years ago I asked for a divorce. I finally decided that "that was it". My ex-husband and I had different values and I knew that he could never give me what I wanted from a relationship, so after 10 years of "accepting less than I deserve" I decided that I wanted to let go. So I asked for a divorce and my husband agreed - if I knew that he would have agreed so easily, I would have asked 4 years ago! But anyway, when I asked for a divorce and moved out and got my own place, I panicked.

 

This is the first time I find I have been by myself and I am panicking! I think I have a problem with "attaching" myself to people to easily. After I accepted that my marriage was over I attached myself to a man at work (he never knew that I liked him), but emotionally I was in too deep. Thankfully, I was made redundant and I had to walk away (I think that was the best thing that could've happened to me). So I have started a new job and I have attached myself to someone again!!! I didn't think he was married (as he never wears a wedding ring) and then I found out he is married and he has 3 kids as well. But the problem is I can't let him go mentally. At first I used to suffer from anxiety when it was time to go home, then came xmas holidays and him and I would make intense eye contact and somehow we used to always bump into each other. To be honest, I think we are synchronised and deep down I think him and I have a connection, but at the same time I think it has a lot to do with my "attachment" issue. Whatever it is, it's really hard for me to manager as it drains me! and it leaves me feeling empty, so it can't be love right? I think I love him, but I don't even talk to him. I don't know what to do!

 

I am in the process of moving home, so when I settle I will get some counselling. I do not have the support of my family (as they didn't support my decision for me to marry my ex-husband). I just feel so so alone sometimes.

 

I don't know what to do or how to manage these feelings...I feel alone, is that normal? Do I have a problem witj attachment or is he the "one"?

 

Am I being desperate? Sometimes I feel that I act from a place of desperation. I know I am 37 and I should be able to deal with this by now, but it's not easy just to switch off and start again.

 

I am trying to work on myself to change my way of thinking, but sometimes everything just seems to be so complicated.

 

I do not know how to carry on or what to say to myself to help me get our of a mindset of desperation and start appreciating myself. I don't think I have ever given myself the respect I deserve, but I am scared to actually say what it is that I really want. I want to be loved, but I don't think I love myself enough and i'm scared to love myself as I think I have to be with someone to feel validated.

[nutbrownhare]

If you have lived with someone for years, yes, it can be panic-making when you suddenly find yourself on your own, no matter how positive a move it is. So it makes sense that you get a crush on someone else, because it helps to allay that feeling of panic. I'm not saying that any of this is conscious, or deliberate!

 

It's also interesting that you have chosen men who are not available at all, so although you feel 'attached', the reality is that you are coping very competently with your life without depending on anyone else. You are also going through a stressful time, with being made redundant and moving house, on top of your divorce, and when we're stressed, we all want comfort and support - and it's not surprising that you do.

 

I think you are already aware that your are not genuinely in love with someone you rarely talk to, and is already married, but these fantasies can help us get through the day sometimes.

 

My advice to you is to accept yourself, just the way you are - even if there are things which you want to change. By that, I mean, watch your thoughts and your thought processes and just be aware of them for now. Check them against reality - are your negative beliefs about yourself actually valid? They most likely aren't! There are many, many ways of appreciating yourself - a quick Google search on 'how to validate yourself' has just yielded 443,000 results - and you should find some of them useful in the short term.

 

Looking for counselling once your house move is complete seems a good idea - would it be possible to find something sooner? It's just that it sounds as though you are embarking on a totally new life - which is scary although it offers fantastic opportunities, too - and counselling should help you make decisions to create the very, very best situation for you.

 

Hope this helps!