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Always just a friend


Confused_P

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With all the girls I've been interested in, I always seem to be just a friend. I'm a bit shy, but it's not like I don't ask them out or make it clear I'm interested. Because of this, I've never had a relationship in 20 plus years. They all tell me I'm nice, reliable, and would be a sweet boyfriend (perhaps just to make me feel better, but it's actually having the opposite effect), which is somewhat strange considering how they wouldn't want to date this "sweet guy" while he's right on front of them. I don't resent them for it, in fact I'm still good friends with many of them and care a lot about them, it's just a bit confusing and frustrating.

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Poor Confused! What a maddening situation to be in!

 

Are you waiting for these girls to make the "first move" as it were? Because that might be part of the trouble, if so - perhaps you should state your interest in a likely prospect and suggest a date? I know you said you ask them out or make your intentions clear, but your feelings may not be as readable as you think? (Or they very well might be - this was just a guess as to what is going wrong.)

 

If you wait for them to extend the invitation to you, it might not be happening because they have you pegged already in this role of a sympathetic, but possibly romantically-disinterested man.

 

My other suggestion would be that you pay yourself the kind and careful attention you are giving your friends, and actively seek a girl to see - say, on a dating site, or perhaps poll these girls who have benefited from your friendship and can vouch for you to set you up with one of their available friends? Do something for yourself! You are just as important as anyone else, and your needs must be valued the same, especially by you.

 

Good luck!

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You know why? Cause you didnt show the confidence. You were probably in the middle between going for it and getting hurt, and you were afraid to get hurt so you played the safe game. You probably went out with girls and respected them, treated them like a friend, but never made that one move for fear of getting hurt and or rejected. "In order to discover new lands you must lose sight of the shore" Have you ever thought they might of liked you but you didnt take that extra step? You said you were good friends with your chick friends. And why do you think is that?

You seem like a good guy with a good heart. You dont want to upset, hurt, or make any girl feel bad. Im not saying you have to be a jerk, but you cant wait 6 dates to kiss a girl either. Its about confidence. You give out a vibe of being friends. So girls pick up on it and thats exactly what you get. Next time. Dont do that. Think the next girl is going to be my girlfriend. Not well, maybe if she wants to and if its okay with her and if she is not busy maybe she can go out with me..

Confidence my ENA friend. The fact that you are good friends with your Xs says you have never been the aggressive one. You have always waited, didnt want to hurt her. You are probably afraid of rejection. Hey, take the risk, the rewards are great too.

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How available are you for them (the girls you are dating, etc..)? I don't know if there is enough information here to make a decent assessment or whatever, but I think it may be you are coming off too soft. I'm not saying you can't be a nice guy or sweet guy, but it may be a confidence issue. Women want a man who is confident, independent, ambitious, has a little mystery to him - not always available (deep down women want a man in control)...

 

This is a while ago, but I'm talking from experience. I used to go to the friend zone all the time. This was like 6 years ago or so and I was kinda shy myself. I've always been confident, but I just would not let it show. So I did some self development of myself - reading books, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, etc. and just stopped caring about what others thought. After that time period (which was at least a year), when I would meet women, I just started treating them like they were expendable (not in a mean or disrespectful way, b/c I am a nice guy at heart); I just would not be there all the time for them...Even though they may say it, most women do not want your world to center around them - it needs to center around you and they are part of it...If you start seeming like you are always there, clingish, not doing what you want (in context), etc., it may seem like you are a weak man. This does not mean be a * * * * * * * though.

 

Hope this makes sense...

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With all the girls I've been interested in, I always seem to be just a friend. I'm a bit shy, but it's not like I don't ask them out or make it clear I'm interested. Because of this, I've never had a relationship in 20 plus years. They all tell me I'm nice, reliable, and would be a sweet boyfriend (perhaps just to make me feel better, but it's actually having the opposite effect), which is somewhat strange considering how they wouldn't want to date this "sweet guy" while he's right on front of them. I don't resent them for it, in fact I'm still good friends with many of them and care a lot about them, it's just a bit confusing and frustrating.

 

Twenty years? That's a long time, and every single one of them have only seen you as only a friend? What do you think the problem could be?

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Well, I believe I was a bit more available than usual, but not too much. I don't go out of my way to be there for them and I concentrate a lot on my studies and other activities. I try to make time for them when they need someone to be with, but not usually at the expensive of what I want to do. I do care about them a lot, but I don't treat them like they're my whole world.

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Confused.... you have to make that leap from Friends to dating. Women do love confidence and like I said, its a risk/reward thing. You must take that chance, yes rejection is the downside but at least you can say you went for it. And if she doesnt want to go out with you as a boyfriend, then find someone else.

You only have a month or two after meeting someone before you get thrown into the Friends Zone. If you like them, you have to make it known that you are attracted to them, and hey, go for a kiss, hold their hand, take the leap.

Like I said.. maybe they liked you, but you never showed an interest past the friendship stage and thats where you were lumped into..

Grow a pair! Do it! Be confident, positive. Like the rule goes.. you lean in 90% let her lean in the other 10% when it comes to that first kiss.. after that, you are in..

I know girls who read this will aggree. Confidence and humor count for a lot.

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These posts have been very helpful and straight forward. I agree with what everyone has said. The problem with me is getting to the step of being able to ask the girl out... How well does a girl need to know a guy before their comfortable with going out, and whats the best way of getting to that point? I would hate to ask a girl out and have her feel like I'm too much of a "stranger".

 

Edit: I kinda know the answer, but its the first thing that came to my mind when reading this.

 

Don't you wish we all didn't have to put up with all this physchological BS sometimes!!

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These posts have been very helpful and straight forward. I agree with what everyone has said. The problem with me is getting to the step of being able to ask the girl out... How well does a girl need to know a guy before their comfortable with going out, and whats the best way of getting to that point? I would hate to ask a girl out and have her feel like I'm too much of a "stranger".

 

Edit: I kinda know the answer, but its the first thing that came to my mind when reading this.

 

Don't you wish we all didn't have to put up with all this physchological BS sometimes!!

 

Oh thats the beauty of the whole thing. You dont know. So thats why you make her smile, you make her laugh, you yourself smile a lot and act like when you are talking to her, thats the place you want to be.

You wont know until you ask her. Heck I could go to a store or somewhere, and talk to a stranger and in 10 min say "would you like to grab a bite to eat in a few days?" and youll know then if she is comfortable with you.

Until then, quit thinking about hints or signs or use that body language, just ask her out, if she doesnt want to go out with you, she will let you know, if she does, she will..

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