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Been in NC for a month as the dumpee...


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My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me a few months ago. It has happened 1 time before and she came back after having time away. This time I haven't talked to her in a month... My emotions are pretty much in check... but I still love her and want her back. I know that she loves because she has told me. There is no other guy... Im just not sure of what to do now... I am still in NC... but I feel better... what do I do if I still want to try again?

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Well after 14 months.. we got along great but had some issues with anger and arguing... she told me that she didn't feel loved and would rather be alone than unhappy with someone... took a few months off and i pursued for a few weeks and then went NC... she came back and told me that we could try again...

 

Fast forward 1 year.. Honestly... nothing changed... My problems were still pretty evident. We broke up this time because she said that we still argued over a lot... It wasn't over major things... but it was me just being a jerk really. I also was hiding her from my mother... My mom didnt like her so I never told my mom that we got back together... My ex asked me to come out with it but i never did... and she said that this was another reason why we broke up.. after the breakup I ended up telling my mom.. and my ex is aware of this.

 

We talked a few times before I went NC and she told me that the door wasn't completely shut... but she wasnt going to look like an idiot for taking me back right then and there. She said that she thought about me, She loved me, and tried hard not to miss me... but said that she wasn't sure of what she wanted. Her mom told me to take a break of about 8-12 weeks and then try and talk to her and that she didnt see why we couldnt work things out.

 

Other details:

 

No rebounds

No cheating

She hasnt deleted my facebook or myspace

Im blocked on aim but not anywhere else that i know of

NC for 4 weeks now

 

Im just scared that I blew it and that there is no 3rd try. I am currently in counseling to work on my problems and she is aware that i am getting help. BUT she hasn't told me that we will/will not work this out... right now she said she just wants space and to be with friends...

 

So... Don't contact her??? Im scared that she isn't ever going to pick up the phone... Im losing hope because I do know where i messed up and I do think that this is fixable...

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Sounds like there are a bunch of areas that needed work. Whether your mom approved of her or not, if you intended on being with her you needed to show that you are with her no matter what. Your mom might not like it, but that's her choice and has little to do with your relationship.

 

Because you say nothing had changed in a year, that's not too good. But by the looks of things you are just starting to work on yourself, which is good! Being a good person and working to better yourself is the key to attracting positive things to your life - including reconciling with your ex.

 

I would take your ex's mom's advice and give it time. If you're constantly around making contact she won't be able to see you and your relationship in a new light.

 

Based off of what you said that she said, she is afraid to come back and have the same things happen again. But this brings me back to the point of working on yourself. You need this time to assess the situation and so does she. She said that she loves you and misses you but she's not sure what she wanted. That speaks a lot to me. She wants all the good things you have to offer but those negative things (arguing, hiding your relationship from your mother) are things she doesn't want. She wants the good + improvements. She doesn't want the same thing. She's made that quite clear by saying she doesn't want to take you back right then and there. The reasons for breaking up will still be there, things will be the same and there won't be a breather for you two to see things clearly and to work on what needs to be done.

 

So for the time being I think that NC would be best for you to work on yourself. She said she wants space so that's what you should give her. Exude confidence! Respect the space and use it to it's full potential! Accept the way things are but realize that the future is never set in stone. She said she's tried not to miss you and I believe that won't go away easily. If she sees you respecting her wishes and working on yourself then that will be a major plus. But if she just walks away that will be her misfortune because you will be that much better of a person and be open, positive and confident enough to attract positive things to your life.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear. I know I didn't want to hear that all I can do to heal is to go NC and work on myself full well knowing they may or may not come back or attempt contact. But you reaching out to her will only make you feel weak and push her away. The dumper has to make the first move.

 

NC + working on yourself = good things!

 

The only bad that can come out of it is that she shuts you out and moves on. But if that's the case, believe me when I say this, she is only making room for bigger and better things to come.

 

Think positive, don't be afraid to lose her because you already have. She doesn't hate you, so know that and work to be the kind of person she or any good woman would want to be with and you have nothing to fear.

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Loxxt made some excellent points. I wanted to add something else. She gave you a rough time frame of 8-12 weeks. You've only been NC for 4 weeks, so no need to panic. If you take care of yourself and accept what has happened there will never be a need to panic. That is generally tough to realize until after you've screwed up too much So take it from me, there is no reason to panic. Keep on working on you. Every time you feel fear or panic about the situation with your ex, that means you've got more work to do on you.

 

Hang in there.

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Loxxt made some excellent points. I wanted to add something else. She gave you a rough time frame of 8-12 weeks. You've only been NC for 4 weeks, so no need to panic. If you take care of yourself and accept what has happened there will never be a need to panic. That is generally tough to realize until after you've screwed up too much So take it from me, there is no reason to panic. Keep on working on you. Every time you feel fear or panic about the situation with your ex, that means you've got more work to do on you.

 

Hang in there.

 

Yes!! Remember this!

 

Don't break contact because you are afraid she'll forget you. Believe me, she won't just wake up one day and have all memory of you gone.

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Thanks guys for the positive re-enforcement. Therapy is helping a lot.. I love the girl.. and I wish that it hadn't come to this but i feel like the break up is a good thing for me. Im scared that she is gone for good because she hasn't shown any signs of wanting me back or atleast wanting to talk to me... but I am trying to be positive... a little bit more everyday... i just wonder sometimes... its hard because i tend to romanticize over the good things and wonder about how she couldn't want me back.. Is there any way to stop thinking about all the good parts and thinking that she will have to see those good things too?

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Is there any way to stop thinking about all the good parts and thinking that she will have to see those good things too?

 

I don't think you need to stop thinking about the good things. She already told you she saw the good things as well. But there were bad things as well and that is why you are apart.

 

I really really really like this post ( ) by adviseseeker. I was filled with fear which led to the breakup and my stupid actions post breakup. If you fear that she won't remember the good things, then you are more likely to do things that will replace her good memories with new bad ones.

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Chances are she is thinking of those good things and over time that is what she will most likely remember you by. I know I do of previous exes.

 

Think of it this way: if she only remembered bad things and bad times you had she would be angry and resentful. She isn't acting this way and is most likely thinking positively of you.

 

You love her, but right now she shouldn't be your main focus. You will stop worrying about this^ over time. It sounds to me like you want her to see the good things in your relationship as you are now and regret it or think about your relationship as you are. She has already told you how she feels. Really it doesn't matter if she does or doesn't think what you're thinking and you shouldn't hang on every word she says/txts/emails. I've deleted every txt my ex and I ever had, most importantly the ones he sent about being sorry. Anyways, messages are horrible for healing, to me anyways. I used to re-read them in my moments of weakness and interpret what I wanted out of them.

 

So forget about how she's feeling, what she's thinking, how she may be getting over you or hanging on. There's no way to know and right now things are too fresh. You both need to let things settle. Living your life based on someone else's feelings isn't getting you what you want and need.

 

You sound like someone committed to building a strong foundation for a good relationship. As I said before, if she chooses to bow out that's her decision. But never believe she's all there is. She may just have given you the best gift of your life by breaking you down so you can rebuild your life just as you want. With or without her.

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She knows that I want her back. I have a fear that since this would be our 3rd chance.. that she is not going to want to try again... I am finally learning.. What are the chances that she won't ever look back? I mean.. do most ex's atleast look back and come back to the dumpee just to see if they have changed? or is it common for them to make the final decision and not ever look back?

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She knows that I want her back. I have a fear that since this would be our 3rd chance.. that she is not going to want to try again... I am finally learning.. What are the chances that she won't ever look back? I mean.. do most ex's atleast look back and come back to the dumpee just to see if they have changed? or is it common for them to make the final decision and not ever look back?

 

Don't worry about the chances/odds that she won't look back. You can't control it.

 

Let go of the fear. Are the changes you are making in your life for you? They have to be for you to be successful. Make the changes, let go of the fear, and good things will happen between you and your ex. Good things doesn't necessarily mean you will get back together, and it doesn't mean you won't. It just means that you and your ex will have grown and figured out what is best for both of you.

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If you take care of yourself and accept what has happened there will never be a need to panic. That is generally tough to realize until after you've screwed up too much So take it from me, there is no reason to panic. Keep on working on you. Every time you feel fear or panic about the situation with your ex, that means you've got more work to do on you.

 

Hang in there.

 

Sorry to nag again.. but I like the feedback that I am getting. Not to say its getting my hopes up... but... Can you re-phrase this just a little? What exactly do you mean by its tough to realize until you screwed up too much? What do you mean??

 

Sorry...

 

Deejmonster

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Sorry to nag again.. but I like the feedback that I am getting. Not to say its getting my hopes up... but... Can you re-phrase this just a little? What exactly do you mean by its tough to realize until you screwed up too much? What do you mean??

 

Sorry...

 

Deejmonster

 

No need to apologize. It is tough to realize that you do not need to panic and worry about her moving on without you. Not because that isn't a possibility, but because worrying about the possibility will help make it happen.

 

The reason it is tough to realize until you've screwed up comes from personal experience. You spend so much energy trying to fix something (the break up) that you make it worse. After the fact you realize that doing nothing and remaining calm would have been far better.

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oh ok. that makes soooo much more sense now... I am still strong with NC... I keep telling myself to be patient... it is something that therapy has been trying to fix... but something more tells me that being patient will bring me answers... have you ever had that gut feeling? I feel like its a sign or something... be patient... I feel like if i were to break NC.. she would tell me that if i were patient she would have came back.. but now.. she wont... lol.. So something tells me.. just keep doing nothing.. I went to church today... interesting topic was brought up... "patience". Idk if your religious... but i have been praying to god for answers... and tonight i feel he has tried to tell me with his mass... Be patient...

 

What do you guys think???

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Hey Deejmonster, I am going through a very similar situation to you. I was with my ex over a 3 year period, where after a little over a year we had our first breakup. After some up and down attempts at reconciliation we finally got back together this past summer.

 

Its been 5 weeks now since we've been broken up and I'm on day 25 of NC. I'm glad I read through your thread cause the advice applies really well to my situation. Like you, I'm really nervous that my ex wont give me a third chance...I mean, thats a huge thing to ask from someone you hurt. And it sucks even more because I realized that I was much of the cause of the breakup. But I too am in counseling and it is helping. I'm so much more about myself and I've matured in a huge way. I know that with all the things I've learned that a new relationship with my ex would be so near perfect. Still, Im nervous that I may never get that chance because I haven't heard from my ex in weeks. Absolutely nothing. I'm nervous that maybe she is so fed up with what has taken place that she's simply blocking off all thoughts of me. Maybe she's forcing herself to believe that this is the right decision.

 

I'm debating on whether or not I should take the initiative and make a move her way. I'm religious too and I know that right now this is where I need to be in life, on my own, to focus on things like my faith. But I cant help but wonder if all this situation needs is a small push to get things going...

 

Hopefully both you and I will be provided the answers in due time.

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if you keep breaking up and getting back together with someone over the same issues - it may be a sign that you two are just not compatible. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't feel I could be around their family or their family couldn't know about me like I was some big secret. Even if its over and done with, it wouldn't sit well. And if you are getting into fights about little things - maybe its not ALL about you needing to work on things but maybe you are like oil and water. Please continue to do work on yourself, but also be open to the possibility that you guys just don't totally fit. For example, there was a laundry list of things my ex didn't like about me. I am with a guy now that I have awesome communication with and we are two peas in a pod. There were minor things I did improve upon since my ex but the major peeves he had about me were "just the way I am" and are difficult to change that irritated him.

 

Also, if you are so worried about what your mother thinks about girls you are with, find someone who she approves of or make the decision that you will choose who you will choose and be proud of who you are with regardless of what your mom thinks

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No other thoughts to my situation???

 

What else do you want to hear?

 

There is not any guarantee that she will come back. But you cannot let that fear dominate your thoughts. You need to accept that possibility. Doing so will allow you to do what is best for you and her.

 

This applies to WhatSetsUs as well.

 

Maybe you are at the point where you want to share your progress with her. If so, then you haven't progressed far enough. Hopefully you will reach a point were you are at peace with who you are. You won't be nervous or worried about contacting her. You won't be pressed to contact her. And if she hasn't contacted you already, then you pick up the phone to see how she is doing.

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Maybe you are at the point where you want to share your progress with her. If so, then you haven't progressed far enough. Hopefully you will reach a point were you are at peace with who you are. You won't be nervous or worried about contacting her. You won't be pressed to contact her. And if she hasn't contacted you already, then you pick up the phone to see how she is doing.

 

I feel pretty at peace with myself and I've definitely progressed a huge amount since we've broken up. But I've got to ask, at what point do you think enough progress will have been made? I'm not nervous or worried about her contacting me per se, but I still do want to give it at least another shot. And I'm giving her and myself time, so that when I reach out to her (or if she reaches out first) I will be able to handle the situation in the best possible way.

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I feel pretty at peace with myself and I've definitely progressed a huge amount since we've broken up. But I've got to ask, at what point do you think enough progress will have been made? I'm not nervous or worried about her contacting me per se, but I still do want to give it at least another shot. And I'm giving her and myself time, so that when I reach out to her (or if she reaches out first) I will be able to handle the situation in the best possible way.

 

Well you are asking someone who still has the same question as you. When are you ready to approach the ex if they haven't made contact?

 

For my situation I did a pretty good job of pushing her away. So time can't hurt me. The longer I wait, the more likely she is to forgive/forget the negative memories. But that could be forever. And if I could wait forever I wouldn't be posting here

 

I have certainly made great strides in overcoming the * * * * * * * behavior that brought me here. So I have decided that when I feel like I've got nothing to lose, then that is when I'll reach out. If she rejects me, it won't hurt (well maybe a little) because I am, and will continue to be, satisfied with who I am. I will be who I want to be.

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I'm doing the same thing as you man, just trying to work on myself and get to a point where I can handle the situation from a completely rational standpoint and not an emotional one.

 

See for my situation, I backed off really quickly after the breakup, so I've given her a lot of time to forgive and forget. Of course I have no idea if she's forgiven me, or if shes even thought about me since we've been apart, but Im not as concerned with that right now... I'm just going to continue to life and learn, and when the time is right, I guess I'll make a move.

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