Jump to content

Not really sure what direction to take now


Recommended Posts

In follow up to my last post, my ex (7 weeks) came round on Friday to pick up her spare car keys and we ended up talking for about 3 hrs.

 

I was not spiteful or antagonistic and certainly not adversarial but as soon as she came in, it was clear she was in a foul mood as her horse has a serious ligament issue which means she won't be able to ride for months ans as she live for her riding, I could understand why she was so upset.

 

Before we split up, I would have resigned myself to a crap evening as she worked out her frustration on me but I was surprised to find that I didn't react in the same way and go into defensive mode...I actually managed to cheer her up and be more optimistic (although her queries as to whether I had caused her horses injury by 'negative vibes' in revenge for the split up tested me a little).

 

We then talked about our house and how soon we could get it on the market and she was shocked at how far I had gone with packing up and started to cry when I told her I would be gone in about a month (she had thought it would be at least another two-three months before I went). She asked why I was going so soon and I told her that I needed to get away from these walls asap and begin some new memories... it was getting me down being here all the time.

 

She then told me that she thinks about me often and misses me and then asked if she could keep in touch after I moved and stay friends but I told her that nothing had changed since we had talked previously and I didn't see how we could. At this point, she burst into tears and said that she couldn't bear the thought of not being able to talk to me, I was still her best friend and I knew her better than anyone. I must admit that I almost said, 'well, you shouldn't have gone to bed with someone less than a week after you ended our 20 year marriage, moved in with him 4 weeks later and treated me like a piece of ****'. However, I didn't. I'm not really in a revenge mood anymore.

 

The trouble is, it gave rise to some doubts on my part. Even though she has hurt me, I have hurt her in the past but then we had talked and worked through it. This time we can't do that. She has a new man in her life and now nothing can really be resolved between us.

 

I can see she is reaching but I certainly don't think it's a 'I've made a mistake and I want you back' kind of reaching... more a 'I need you as friend' kind of reach.

 

I've come a long way in the past 7 weeks but the only thing that hasn't diminished is my love for her. It would be a lot easier if I didn't but I do. The big difference now is that I won't sell my soul for her to return that love.... she knows how I feel (I think) and as far as I concerned, the ball is in her court now.

 

The other self doubts I have are really concerned with moving away. I will be living about 130 miles away (not so far but not in the 'nip round' range). Will it hurt my chances of a reconciliation if I go (eg... forget about me)? Should I care? I still feel that I want to fight so as to not waste the half of our lives together but at the same time, I can only do so much and still keep my dignity and self esteem. My days of pleading and begging are long gone. Anyone have any thoughts on this or indeed, any of the above?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The other self doubts I have are really concerned with moving away. I will be living about 130 miles away (not so far but not in the 'nip round' range). Will it hurt my chances of a reconciliation if I go (eg... forget about me)? Should I care? I still feel that I want to fight so as to not waste the half of our lives together but at the same time, I can only do so much and still keep my dignity and self esteem. My days of pleading and begging are long gone. Anyone have any thoughts on this or indeed, any of the above?

 

Good for you!

 

The only thing you need to fight for is you. She isn't ready to think about reconciliation yet, so you don't need to either. If you get back together it will take some time. Continue doing what you are doing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[...] I can see she is reaching but I certainly don't think it's a 'I've made a mistake and I want you back' kind of reaching... more a 'I need you as friend' kind of reach.

 

You've got clarity about this, and that's admirable. You're also doing the smart thing by nixing the friendship idea. She'll respect you more for refusing to become her safety net while she navigates a new relationship and you're left picking up the pieces of your own life and trying to heal.

 

[...] I will be living about 130 miles away[...] Will it hurt my chances of a reconciliation if I go (eg... forget about me)? [...]

 

No, it will likely help your chances. You're not fooling around. You're clear and you're serious. She'll likely think of you more for that, not less.

 

I'd simply tell her if she's ever completely free of rebound guy and wants to consider reconciling, she can ring you. If you're still available you can meet for coffee to catch up. Anything short of that isn't good enough, but you wish her well.

 

Then let time and distance work its magic while you go off and start a new life. You don't need to wait for her. If she's ever capable of meeting you on higher ground, she'll catch up with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely, you are doing the right thing. I bet you 200 bucks that if you went to HER and started crying and saying you needed her to be in your life, she'd be backing away, saying that she had to go take care of her horse or something. It is GOOD for her to face the reality of what she has done. And she didn't TREAT you like a best friend.

 

The future is unknown. But right now, living with this new guy, she does NOT get you for a best friend. Time and hard work may earn her that status but what has she done to deserve it now? She wants it all! New guy AND You hanging around, best friend, there to listen to her talk about her horse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for your replies. I know what I have to do, I just really hate to do it.

 

I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose my best friend, I don't want to lose my home and I don't want to move to a place where I know no one and will be totally alone. She is the one that dumped me, has a new home, has a new man and all for the chance of finding out whether there is more to life. It's not as though I did something that turned her against me. Doesn't seem very equitable but then I suppose life can be anything but fair.

 

The next few days are going to be the worst. She's going on holiday with her new bloke and I have an excessive imagination

 

Even though I know the next few days are going to be difficult, it's strange that I'm not feeling any despair... I just feel very sad..... and even more strange... disappointed. Don't know where that comes from. At least I'm making some progress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah why is that huh? why is they jus seem to have it all sorted with new great job/house/other half and we are left picking up the pieces seemingly stuck in some nightmare scenario where even spreading butter on a slice of toast turns to sh*t?

 

im guessing that many dumpers have already laid their fondations and plans for their new life, whilst in the comfort of still being with us. on some level they have planned it all out, while we were oblivious to the forthcoming split.

 

they leave, we are like 'what jus happened?' and we find ourselves trying to get on with things AND muster up enough of something to try and heal too. We have it all to climb, where as they have already had a head start

 

disapointment and sadness...yes yes yes...im so disapointed in it all to if its any conso woody...with myself too by not sticking with my gut and telling him where to go when them red flags sprung up. know better now but still the sadness lingers like the smell of kippers you had for brekkie last week...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...