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He doesn't have time for me any more


princess5

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So... My bf and I are in a long distancer ... Due to work can't see each other during the week. I used to count down the seconds to the wknd when I. Ould finally see him. But now we don't even have the weekends. He has to study for a really big exam which is on in a months time and also has to train for a run which is on in 2 weeks. On top of that he has to go home and wknds to help with d family business as his mam is really sick and his dad recently had an operation.

 

Like I dunno what to do.... I don't want to be another burden on him as he has so much on but I crave his company so much that I just feel like crying. This wknd I saw him for a few hours... I drove up to see him in the city where he works fri night but he had to go home at 2 the next day, so that's it for another week. Next week will be the same story I expect.

 

What should I do??he told me to bear with him , that he loves me so much and doesn't want to ever let me go and promised things will get better soon. But I dunno, I feel like he's gonna slip away from me.... He simply doesn't have tome for me right now

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Well apart from my work don't really do much , there's not really much to do in the area where I live as it's an isolated area and my friends have all moved away/living with bf. Should I just set him free to do all the things he has to do without having to worry about me?? Things are tough for him at the moment I know.

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Hex.... I'm not. I trust him now, I know he'd never do anything to hurt me. This is different. I'm lonely for him...hardly ever get to see him.

 

It's a symptom of the same thing though. Now instead of panic-mode about the flatmate, it's panicmode because he's... temporarily busy?

 

He has an exam and he's training for a marathon and rather than feeling comfortable and confident giving him the space and support (and yes p5 space CAN be support) he needs, you're freaking out, crying because to you, him being busy = HE'S SLIPPING AWAY FROM ME.

 

I mean, cmon now. Get a damn grip, lady!

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Well apart from my work don't really do much ,

 

Should I just set him free to do all the things he has to do without having to worry about me??.

 

There's no need to set him free just because he's busy. The key is keeping yourself busy and doing constructive things with your time. Find a hobby, join a gym, go jogging, do voluntary work, take a course in something, etc etc. There's always something to do, even in a small town (imo). Keeping yourself busy wont give you so much time to over think.

 

I agree with Hex, you are once again over analyzing and over thinking everything. You need to stop doing this. It's become a bad habit and if you carry on doing this, then be prepared to lose him permanently. Read all of his posts in your other threads - the best advice there is.

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He's a good guy... A really good guy and I know he loves me. I must crave his company, his touch. There's not many people out there who would be happy with a few hours per week with someone they adore. I wish there were more activities I could pursue around here but there is a serious lack unfortunately.

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He's a good guy... A really good guy and I know he loves me. I must crave his company, his touch. There's not many people out there who would be happy with a few hours per week with someone they adore. I wish there were more activities I could pursue around here but there is a serious lack unfortunately.

 

Well, I mean, do you love him, or do you love loving him? Notice how it wasn't about him, or even the relationship, it was "HOW HIS PRESENCE MAKES ME FEEL"

 

If he's doing something important, and I'd wager an exam and a marathon qualify, you should help him. Help him by giving him the space he needs.

 

Unless you're just a lovejunkie and it's not really about HIM, in which case, you should probably end it.

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Hex... Maybe you're right ... Maybe I'm being selfish again , but I'd just call it lonely!! I understNd he has loads to do and I'm not gonna say anything to him about it cause it's not his fault I guess. He did tell me on Friday that he would try to see me today but shen I was talking to him last night he told me he's gonna have to go back up to where he works early today. Who wouldn't feel a little sad with something like that!!! J

 

Just cAme here to vent I suppose. Sorry for bugging you all again!!

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I wouldn't say you're being selfish. It is understandable that you miss him and feel lonely. Most people would under the circumstances.

 

The problem here is that you start to panic and think he's losing interest, or that you "should set him free", just because he happens to have a very very busy schedule.

Try to separate the two - they are very different.

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P5, let me put this in perspective for you. I work a job where I must travel internationally for weeks on end several times a year. Now, I talk to my partner at least 20 minutes every day on the phone and at least 20 online every day while I'm gone, even if there's a huge time difference (CET to US Pacific is 9 hours.)

 

My partner KNOWS I have no choice in the matter, and that it's my job. And you know what? He's never once pressured me or made me feel bad because he was lonely. Did he miss me? Of course! Did I miss him? Of course! But there will always be times where we can't be together in the moment. When he's working, he's got his times where he's away too.

 

And that's normal and healthy. You seem to have this... iron grip... you're so afraid to lose him that you're squeezing the life out of your relationship, literally.

 

You, my dear, must simply get a life of your own. I know that's harsh, but that's what it really comes down to. You must pursue your interests. Do you like to cook? Paint? Write? Take a class. Go to the gym. Make some new friends. Learn to be happy and content ON YOUR OWN. You cannot rely on your bf to prop you up and GIVE your life meaning. That's YOUR job.

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Buck up honey... you're not a baby and it's only a month!! If you can't learn to be happy on your own, you will never be happy whether you're with him or not. Life has a way of taking precedence sometimes, where you can't be the center of someone else's attention all the time, and might be lonely or on your own for a while.

 

The world has many wonderful opportunities and fun things to do. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, plan something fun for each of the next 4 weekends when he's not around. Call a friend and make plans to go out, go to the zoo, go to the movies, get a pedicure, read a good book, anything you enjoy doing. If you can't manage to find things to do to fill 3 or 4 weekends with happiness that is NOT to do with him, then you are too dependent on him and have a boring life that needs to find some meaning in it besides clinging to a boyfriend.

 

I mean, his Mom is sick and his Dad had surgery! Do you want to be that girl who is so self centered she only thinks of herself and clinging to her boyfriend rather than stepping up and helping out? Maybe you can offer to go to his parents house and clean their whole house for the weekend rather than sitting around feeling sorry becuase your guy isn't treating you like a spoiled princess this weekend.

 

And yes, btw, women who like to give themselves nicknames like Princess usually do have a bit of self absorbtion going on. This is the real world honey, where people have their own needs, and the world doesn't/shouldn't revolve around your every little whim like you're a princess. being a princess is a fantasy for little girls, and it's time to grow up!

 

I'm not trying to be unkind, but to put this in perspective. Learn how to get things you want for yourself, rather than sitting around expecting someone else to pamper you and fill your every need. You're a grown girl, so learn to be one! Use the time away from him wisely to learn how to entertain yourself and how to think about other people's needs besides your own for a change.

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I agree with the others. He has a lot going on right now - he tells you he loves you and wants you to be patient with him - go with that. It's not like he is blowing you off or ignoring you or not seeing you. It's just not as often as you would like, and that's not the same thing.

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now would be a good time to start a new hobby, learn a new language, while he is going through this super busy time. (assuming he is telling the truth and not trying to break up with you.) if you are sure you trust him and he loves you, then give him the space.

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Well apart from my work don't really do much , there's not really much to do in the area where I live as it's an isolated area and my friends have all moved away/living with bf. .

 

THIS is the problem. You are relying on him for your personal happiness. He should ADD to your already fulfilling life, not be the only instrument to fulfilling it.

 

If you have some interests of your own, friends, hobbies etc., then you will be more comfortable with letting him do the same.

 

Hex and the others are right- giving him space when he needs it IS supporting him. Don't be another source of pressure, something else he NEEDS to take care of. Take care of yourself.

 

I can see you are trying, but you will find yourself more fulfilled by your relationship when you figure out how to stop relying on it for your own sense of self-worth and happiness.

 

Find a hobby, volunteer, take up a team sport..Anything to get you out there to build a life that could survive and thrive without him.

 

I hope something in here helps.

 

FE

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Sometimes I just guess I don't know how to tell the difference between people blowing you off or just are genuinely busy??? If that even makes sense!!!

 

does he still call you?

 

my experience with guys is that if you are always around and willing to hang out with them, they start to take you for granted. he's told you he has to study for all these exams and run because he knows that you'll be waiting for him and he knows you're not going anywhere. well, you're not, are you? if you're sitting by the phone waiting for him to call you, and he knows it, he'll take you for granted.

 

if you go and take up some hobbies, make new friends, go do something interesting, he may start to wonder where you are when you don't pick up the phone right away and realize that you have a life of your own! i'm not telling you to 'play games' but just that if you naturally have stuff going on in your life, he might work a little harder to see you when he does have some free time.

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Sometimes I just guess I don't know how to tell the difference between people blowing you off or just are genuinely busy??? If that even makes sense!!!

Sure, it makes sense. How often does he call? Doesn't have to be epic conversations, just calling to see how you are. Does he want to see you on the weekend even if just for a little while (seems like he does).?

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Yeah he calls every night and would almost always check in with a txt during the day. He is always trying to fit me into his schedule on fairness to him...he was apologising to me about the lack of time we get together but promised that things will change when he is finished with exam and the run. Just have to hang on in there cause I adore him

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OH guys... I was talking to him last night, I told him that I really missed him and was lonely for him... Is there any harm in doing this??? Just don't want him to think I'm putting him under pressure...just miss him so much. He said not to be worried and that everything will be okay

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OH guys... I was talking to him last night, I told him that I really missed him and was lonely for him... Is there any harm in doing this??? Just don't want him to think I'm putting him under pressure...just miss him so much. He said not to be worried and that everything will be okay

 

Less is more, P5. It's not a bad thing to let someone know you're missing them, but just don't ALWAYS go there in EVERY call. That would be severely irritating to me, personally.

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Hex... I dunno I find it so hard to express any kind of emotions to him, I just get really quiet with him when I'm upset over something , I just clam up. Because I don't want to rock the boat in any way, because things are really good between us.

 

But lately he's being saying to me, "I dunno what to do when you get really quiet, i don't know if there's something wrong with you or not". I think I'm starting to frustrate him a little bit.

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Hex... I dunno I find it so hard to express any kind of emotions to him, I just get really quiet with him when I'm upset over something , I just clam up. Because I don't want to rock the boat in any way, because things are really good between us.

 

But lately he's being saying to me, "I dunno what to do when you get really quiet, i don't know if there's something wrong with you or not". I think I'm starting to frustrate him a little bit.

 

Let me ask you this, p5. In your view of an ideal situation with your boyfriend, what is that? What would be your specific perfect situation with him?

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