Jump to content

This really, really hurts


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone I don't post here that often only every now and again when I go through something pretty painful. So here goes.....


I've been single for about a year and dating casually. I'm happy being single, and like my life. I'm a musician and I make an ok living doing what I love.


Anyway, two months ago I met up with a girl I had met awhile ago and we were on facebook and had been messaging each other. She came to my house, I took her surfing (live near the beach) and we had a fun time. She's a musician too and she came to one of my gigs and sang a few songs. Really great day and we both had a lot of fun.


Anyway, we slept together that night and we both said we're not looking for anything (etc) and that we had fun, blah blah, maybe we'll meet up again sometime.


So we did! Still very tentative and we're both talking about our exes (she'd been single for only two months after a long term relationship) and we're both saying we're not looking for any commitment or attachment.


But then it started happening. We discovered we had quite a lot in common. As I mentioned, we both work as musicians and we're both guitarists. We both write songs and sing, but we mainly get work as guitarists. We actually met in Nashville (we're both from Australia) and I'm heading back there at the end of this month for quite some time (could be a few months)


Personality wise, there's a lot of chemistry and we're exactly the kind of people we're both attracted to. She's outgoing and very feisty and always says whatever is on her mind, I'm more reserved and always think about what I say (probably too much).


So anyway, for a few weeks there we were both very crazy for each other. We would meet up whenever we could, couldn't keep our hands off each other and were basically in a very exciting honeymoon phase of seeing each other. We were smitten and falling for each other very, very fast and it was a rush.


I had to go up the coast for a week, she told me she couldn't see me anymore because I was going away to Nashville at the end of the month and she didn't want to miss me or be hurt when I left. I said "OK, I understand". We'd had a great time and it made sense to take a breather and maybe just stop seeing each other as it had all happened so fast and was so heady. Neither of us wanted to get hurt.


The thing is, while I was away, I kept thinking about her. I went through all sorts of checklists in my mind, and thought "You know what? I really, really like this girl. This is exciting, I know most people would say it's not a good idea to just rush into things and start something so quickly, but you know what? Who knows what will happen"


So it's been almost a week since we've seen each other or even texted each other, and I thought what the hell. I called her and she asked if I still felt the same way about her. I said "Yeah, I do. I really do, and I think I really like you and I want to start seeing you properly" She said "Well I feel the same way. I'm totally smitten by you and can't wait to see you, but what happens when you go away?"


I said "Well I I don't know, but I'm thinking we can work it out. Two months will seem like a long time, but maybe if we've got something then we can wait and maybe you can come to Nashville earlier than you planned (she was planning on going to Nashville later in the year).


THen she said "Well ok let's see what happens"


I was wrapped. Before I met this girl, I really hadn't felt like this for a long, looooong time. I was scared, but I was excited too. I felt like it was worth the risk.


Ok now here's where the story gets really interesting.


She asks me "I'm going to ask you an open ended question. How would you feel if I slept with anyone else right now? I need to know because I'm flying to Melbourne (big city in Australia - we both live in Sydney now) and I'm staying with my ex boyfriend. If you tell me you don't want me to stay there I won't but let assure you we won't be sleeping together, it's just easy to stay there. We've broken up and it's over and it's just convenient as it's close to what I need to do."


Me: "Well if you really do want to keep seeing me then I sure as hell don't want you to sleep with your ex boyfriend. Actually I'd rather you stay somewhere else."


Her: "Look it's not even on the cards that we're going to sleep together. You really have nothing to worry about"


Me: "Maybe you haven't been single long enough, maybe it's too soon to start anything with me. You know what, I can't tell you what you can and can't do but I can tell you how I'd feel if you slept with him. And I'd have a really hard time with it so you make a decision"


Her: "Please, don't worry. You're the one I'm thinking about and I don't want to mess up what's going on with us - if you slept with someone I'd be devastated, I feel really connected to you and I know we're both still single but I want to see what happens with us and I'm willing to take a chance if you are"


Me: "Ok, I feel the same way. I ain't sleeping with anyone else until we work this out".





We keep texting each other, she's telling me how much she misses me and how she can't wait to see me. She calls me each morning she's in Melbourne and says she's really missing me and no don't worry she hasn't slept with her ex.


I'm kind of insecure about her staying there, but hey I used to stay at my ex's house after we broke up and we didn't sleep together.


So she keeps texting me and we're talking on the phone and she's telling me she's really excited about seeing me. I'm wrapped, I'm feeling like I'm falling for this girl and it's amazing.




It's Monday morning, the big day's arrived when we're going to see each other. She calls me and says I should meet her for lunch where she works. I thought, well hell yeah I can't wait to see her so why not.


I drive in there and we kiss and it's a reunion after two weeks and I tell her I'm so excited to see her and we go to lunch at this little place and hang out and we're talking and she's showing me some photos from her trip and I'm telling her about my trip away and it's all good.


Then she says "Nick, I've got something to tell you. I slept with someone while you were away"


Me: Speechless


Her: "And when I was calling you and telling you I didn't sleep with my ex, I didn't. But on the last day I was there I did. I'm sorry"


Me: Speechless


So basically this is the rundown of what's happened:


Tuesday: We speak on the phone and we both said we were falling for each other and we were going to see what happens to work this out and that this is something pretty special.


Wednesday, she goes and screws some guy after going out on a date with him then calls me and tells me how much she can't wait to see me and is so glad we had the talk we had.


Thursday: She calls me from Melbourne and tells me she hasn't slept with her ex because i'm the one she wants to be with. (and no she did not tell me about this thing on Wednesday.


Friday: She calls me again, same story.


Sat, Sunday: Same story - "Wait till I see you, I miss you so much. I'm so excited about what we have"


Monday - we have lunch and she surprises me with the lovely news that she's * * * * ed two guys in our time apart and one of them was the ex she was so adamant that nothing was going to happen with.


I am literally torn open right now. I let down so many walls and defenses with this girl and she has just gouged out my heart and messed with my emotions in a way I didn't even feel when I broke up with my ex girlfriend of six years.


I told her I don't want to see her again and do you know what her reasoning is for doing what she did?:


"I wanted to get over you. I was scared. You're going away and I don't want to be hurt, I'm so sorry"


And she want to keep seeing me and says her feelings haven't changed and that I've turned her world upside down.


What she did hurts, but if we hadn't spoken I could have gotten over that. It's that she told me things which made me believe that nothing like this was going to happen. The lying and the deceit is just so so painful.


I feel like the biggest idiot who has ever taken a breath on this earth.


The worst thing is, I miss her so much. I can't believe this, I don't know how to process it and rationalize it to myself. I am struggling and it feels like I've been cut open and the wound won't close.


She wants to keep seeing me and keeps calling me and says she's sorry and is upset too. I just don't understand.


Thankyou for reading, this is probably the longest post I've made here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, no one's replied, so I'm going to have a go. And I'm an aussie too so solidarity and all!


First off, sorry this happened, she really did a number on you didn't she?


I don't buy her rationalisations one bit. She might have felt a lot for you but just from the way you described how she brought up the possibility of cheating before she even left for Melb, I think this is her MO. She gets around like a record. Maybe even a sex addict.


Also, she is out of an LTR, if she wasn't cheating on that person she will be champing at the bit to have some fun, and you might have just been one of her fun things she is having after getting out of jail so to speak.


Please don't keep seeing her because she will keep doing it. She's shown herself very capable of lying with a straight face, and a future with someone like this in it is not a road you want to go down...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys. Yeah I'm in shock, thought I was old and wise enough to see this sort of thing coming. Guess not. THanks so much for replying, what i need now is outside opinions and distance from this thing.


Whatever it was, it's over. I'm just really stinging


Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

mate you cant build a castle from sand. Think of how quickly it was for her to fall for you etc.


basically you have two choices forgive or forget or just move one and dont see her any more.


sounds easy in theory but hard in execution.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Peace & healing wished for you... You were so scared of getting hurt & now you have been. I'm very, very sorry...


Sadly, it would be best for you for things to end completely. I'm in shock (so can imagine how you feel) hearing that she slept with two guys during your time apart. After being so adamant about not going to with the ex, and saying how devastated she'd be if you'd slept with anyone.


Her "word"/trust has been damaged in terms of what she will tell you about any given thing versus what she will go ahead and do. Her skewed mindset, perceptions, thinking styles come out here for you to see more of her, as well. Related, what would she do in the future when she is scared? Finally, just her behaviors taken in & of themselves were very disturbing.


And to top it off -- she tells you all of this over your "excited" meet-up lunch in a public restaurant....


Anyway- on many levels these things clearly indicate that you should walk away from this one...


Again - wishing you well very much... Very sorry...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

So sorry to hear what you've been through. I've been through something similar and know how it feels. In fact, the way you describe the girl, it's almost as if some girls have this certain personality type that is just... evil. They are so insecure that they will do absolutely anything to make themselves feel better, even if it involves devastating the people who have come to care about them.


All the best to you bro - all I can say is that, with time, it gets better. And don't be surprised if she contacts you after some time - that's what happened to me. When she's feeling low again and needs a boost, she'll come around to see if she can wrap you around her finger once again...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well it's two weeks later and the shock's worn off somewhat. Wow did I get done. Even had to go see my counsellor for help with this one. Thanks for the replies, very thoughtful and very much appreciated.


As each day goes by it makes it harder and harder for me to trust someone because of things suck as this. I honestly just do not get it. People who I think are actually good continue to shock me everyday.


What is is funny is girls like this dont even bat an eye to things like this, they just move on and let guys pursue them. It is sad really...


Sorry man....I know exactly how you feel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...