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Don't know if I want to break up?


Rivers

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I've been in a pretty solid relationship for about five months now. The reason I say its solid is because this girl has been my friend for years.

 

However, we've been arguing a lot lately and I notice that whenever I get mad about anything she tells me that "I can't see how much I hurt her" or that "I don't understand what she goes through." Its gotten to the point where she has tried to make decisions for me because she says she wants me to be happier and I'll be happier if I do things her way. Whenever I argue with her about this, she becomes angry and cynical and tells me that I treat her like trash.

 

Basically, if I don't show her sympathy she makes me feel like the attacker and she makes herself out to be the victim. These arguments go on for days and I don't know what I should do because this is a "first true love" sort of relationship for both of us.

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Wow. Sounds like a manipulative girl. I don't mean to offend you if I do but thats what it sounds like. Have you tried explaining to her what she says and how it feels to you? If she is considerate then she would listen and try to change things on what she says to you.

Best of luck my friend.

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Talk to her, say exactly how you feel, as you expressed on your thread. Women love to take control or change their man. (of course men do this too, but not as much).

 

I don't know the whole story, or what it is that she is trying to change, so it is hard to say if her intentions are for the better or worse, but if this is your first real love as you said, then don't throw it away on something like this, talk to her, stay subtle, and get to the point.

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I don't think you need to break up, there is a way to fix this. You girlfriend needs to understand that she can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. You need to just know that when a girl gets upset, it really helps when her SO just listens to her and empathizes with her. If my boyfriend and I are arguing, it's fine if he doesn't see things my way, but I want him to respect me enough to hear what I'm saying and acknowledge that he understand where I'm coming from. And she needs to do the same to you.

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You've got to evaluate and ask yourself if this is what you really want. I'm not suggesting you to breakup by any stretch of the imagination, but to ask yourself some questions. If ever there's something you're unsure about, always ask questions; it's your life. If she's being manipulative now this early on, where will things go in another year or two? How will she treat the kids or other members of your family? It's early to think about things like that, but they're legitimate questions especially if you're looking for something longterm. However, at 5 months, it may not be a bad idea either to try to work with her on some of the issues you're having and see if you two can come to a common ground. It's just that when/if it doesn't work, you have to decide if this is something you think you can handle for the long stretch.

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The thing is, I feel she really is manipulative and I've been compromising on a lot of issues. We also get in a lot of stupid fights and small things get blown out of proportion. Granted, its probably just as much my fault but there are just many fundamental differences between us and our ideologies, and even our interests. The only reason we love each other is because I care a lot about her and she cares a lot about me. Even if we stopped dating I'd still do everything to help her out with a lot of her life problems (she's emotional so she has a lot of them). I'm just not sure if we're better as friends or lovers at this point, but I'm not very experienced in this territory either. Iono if these doubts are natural or are indicators that we aren't meant for each other.

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The thing is, I feel she really is manipulative and I've been compromising on a lot of issues. We also get in a lot of stupid fights and small things get blown out of proportion. Granted, its probably just as much my fault but there are just many fundamental differences between us and our ideologies, and even our interests. The only reason we love each other is because I care a lot about her and she cares a lot about me. Even if we stopped dating I'd still do everything to help her out with a lot of her life problems (she's emotional so she has a lot of them). I'm just not sure if we're better as friends or lovers at this point, but I'm not very experienced in this territory either. Iono if these doubts are natural or are indicators that we aren't meant for each other.

 

From what you are saying, you don't seem interested in dealing with these issues. If that is the case, then I would say that you should let her go.

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The thing is, I feel she really is manipulative and I've been compromising on a lot of issues. We also get in a lot of stupid fights and small things get blown out of proportion. Granted, its probably just as much my fault but there are just many fundamental differences between us and our ideologies, and even our interests. The only reason we love each other is because I care a lot about her and she cares a lot about me. Even if we stopped dating I'd still do everything to help her out with a lot of her life problems (she's emotional so she has a lot of them). I'm just not sure if we're better as friends or lovers at this point, but I'm not very experienced in this territory either. Iono if these doubts are natural or are indicators that we aren't meant for each other.

 

Here's my hesitation. I'm not sure if she actually is being manipulative or if you feel like she's being manipulative. Manipulation usually implies intention and it's hard to conclude she's manipulating you by stating her feelings. Also, fights that go on for days involve two people and I'm wondering what you have said in return.

 

What strikes me though is that you have there are fundamental differences, which at 5 months would seem like a likely reason you're not sure you want to be friends or lovers.

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op, you feel that she is being manipulative.

 

she IS being manipulative. you need to punish her bad behavior. she has no right to make decisions for you...imagine if this was a man trying to manipulate a woman into believing that he needed to make all her decisions for her - he'd be regarded as an abusive psychopath.

 

when she's treating you like crap, PUNISH HER. throw her out of your house. leave her house without another word. deprive her of your presence and attention. a woman, ESPECIALLY a girlfriend will take whatever you'll allow her to take from you. make her apologize, and do not back down.

 

of course, if you actually have done something wrong yourself, you need to be man enough to admit it and apologize. but this does not appear to be the case here. you're being a doormat, and she's losing respect for you, EVEN AS she seems happy and relieved when you cave into her manipulations.

 

do what i say for a month, and watch what happens. if she doesn't change her ways, then she is garbage, and should be discarded without even remaining in your life as a friend.

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when she's treating you like crap, PUNISH HER. throw her out of your house. leave her house without another word. deprive her of your presence and attention. a woman, ESPECIALLY a girlfriend will take whatever you'll allow her to take from you. make her apologize, and do not back down.

 

Please don't do this. Talk and air out your problems or end the relationship. Don't play these mind games. This is emotional abuse.

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What sorts of things are you guys arguing about? can you give some examples? and what do you mean by she makes decisions for you? like ordering for you at the restaurant when you are in the bathroom or something?

 

i think it's a good thing when you are in an argument with someone to see things from their point of view. you should look at her point of view, as she should look at yours. I think her making decisions for you makes it a mother/son relationship which isn't attractive.

 

do you want to work on the relationship?

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Please don't do this. Talk and air out your problems or end the relationship. Don't play these mind games. This is emotional abuse.

 

'talking and air(ing) out your problems' with a manipulator is tantamount to you digging your own grave, beating your head against a brick wall, and ultimately - it's self abuse. here's why:

 

"The manipulator can never truly admit she is wrong. If you spend too much time with a manipulator, and your self-esteem is at all on shaky ground, her excuses and comments will eat away at your self-confidence. She'll talk the talk, she'll wheedle her way around you. But all she'll be doing is undermining you with subtle and twisted contradictory statements, lies, excuses and even warp her body language such that it doesn't match her words. In a "relationship" we tend to trust, and care about what our partner's think about us, so a relationship with a manipulator can be deadly to a man's sense of self."

 

you do in fact need to punish her, because it's the only way she'll change. otherwise, she'll reside comfortably in the land of linguistic contradictions and broken promises where she can maliciously 'wheedle her way around you' with words that sound oh-so-sweet. trust me, i speak from 1st hand experience. it doesn't sound nice, but it's just the way things are.

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