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I'm too direct.


Russ

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My sis and I were having a conversation about this today.

 

Apparently, I'm "too individualistic and direct to see what a big pee pee I am".

 

Now... don't get me wrong. If a friend's in a bad mood over a girlfriend situation, I'll say things that would make the world turn dark about the said girlfriend to make 'em feel better. It's friends over common diplomacy to me, in general.

 

But what people seem to NOT like about me is that when they ask my opinion, and I give them a POSITIVE CRITICISM opinion that I honestly wish people would give ME more of... they get mad.

 

Tell me I'm being an ass because instead of beating around the bush and stroking their ego, I give them a solution.

 

Should I really just give up and start telling people exactly what they want to hear?

 

And why does that make me feel like I'm at least 30 IQ points above them for realizing that no matter how much anyone tells them they aren't fat, the REAL solution is to tell 'em their fat AND how they can improve it.

 

What the hell happened to honesty these days.

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I prefer Shakespeare

 

“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself.”

 

I, too, adore the Bard. However, I think in the scenario you pose, this quote is more apt: “link removed

 

Be well.

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I like someone direct and honest. But it depends on how it is said. I was so honest when I was young I was rude without understanding it. I thought they had to know, why sugarcoat things. Chances are people will listen to you more if you seem sympathetic. Something tells me though that you just wanna make a point and see all this as compromise.

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Yeah... I see sense in those points.

 

Can a personal change like that be made?

 

I mean - I've been like this in my life for... well, a long time now. Don't know if I could even change.

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I run into the same issues, and i just really dont care, i lay it on people as i see it. If they get mad at me i just shake it off because i know for a fact that ive told them is more productive than many steps that they are taking, i dont do it out of ego and i dont think you are either. A stiff slap in the face is more beneficial than a hug when it comes right down to these life issues.

 

The issue is people want a magic pill for everything, and they further more reject anything that doesnt fit into that reality and get hostile but your questioning their false beliefs. Some of my friends and family that i know its just useless to attempt to give advice... i just let them do as they please because ive stated my stance, and tell them if they have the same problems over and over again obviously they are doing something wrong and leave it at that.

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Yeah... I see sense in those points.

 

Can a personal change like that be made?

 

I mean - I've been like this in my life for... well, a long time now. Don't know if I could even change.

 

Don't change a thing, the world needs more people like you in it. I am also the same way, a friend of mine who is overweight asked me If I thought she was fat, I immediately said yes, and that she could do better. People sucked their teeth and gave me a lecture for it. My friend was almost in tears, but you know what, less than a week later, she joined a gym and feels better already.

For the most part, the truth isn't what people always wanna hear, but it's what they NEED to hear, a true friend wouldn't lie, people need to appreciate that more. People have to realize, that if you care about someone, you can't be afraid to hurt their feelings, so long as it's for the better.

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Alot of people who are "honest" are using it as a hammer for their anger. If people don't come away feeling better about being with you they won't be with you much longer.

 

I agree. You can always tell yourself you're 'right' and enjoy the cold comfort of that regardless of how lonely it gets.

 

If you ever want to explore kindness as an equally valid expression of honestly, you'll be more likely to maintain relationships with those who'd volunteer for that experiment.

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Tact, is a lost art. Research it...learn to recognize and use it...it is the opposite of what you are doing.

 

This.

 

You need to understand sometimes people don't say exactly what they mean. This is not even their fault - they sometimes don't know what they mean. They just feel crummy or insecure about something and they come to a friend. You can opt to tell them the cold truth or help them feel better for the time being.

 

or both. Tell them the truth but ease them into it a bit more.... or wait until they feel better and later on bring up the subject when they aren't feeling so vulnerable.

 

You're probably thinking this sounds like a lot of effort... well it is. It's called a relationship - be it romantic, platonic, or family.

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You're probably thinking this sounds like a lot of effort... well it is. It's called a relationship - be it romantic, platonic, or family.

 

Sounds like song and dance to me.

 

But I understand. People here are more used to being eased into... everything. From being eased into action, to being eased into a thought, to being eased into reality.

 

Sucks that I come from Russia so LONG ago, raised here and still can't accept this culture. I don't belong in Russia either. Too abrupt for ME there.

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The biggest negative of others seeing you as 'too direct' (brash, arrogant, not listening, insensitive) is what they don't say to you but silently adjust their actions towards you.

 

Especially if someone finds it intimidating, they are apt to clam up to you and even resent you. And sometimes even finding passive and passive-aggressive ways to sabotage you.

 

You seem proud of your way of doing it. That's fine and up to you.

 

It's a bit funny to me though when people seem to boast about their honest and being direct; I used to be sort of the same. In a way, it's got its shovel load of bs as much as any other method. IMO. You can't get around some measure of human bs - it's just how you present it. lol.

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Sounds like song and dance to me.

 

Hah! Actually, for me it was the opposite. I was a bossy kid, and I plowed right through life not really caring about who's toes I stepped on. Then it occurred to me that my ego was just interested in an audience, not the people who comprised it. I found myself lonely not because I couldn't attract people, but rather I could be surrounded by people and still feel lonely--because I didn't care about them.

 

I decided to shut up and observe, and from this I learned how to listen. Listening involved me more actively and intuitively with people, and I guess a byproduct of this was that I found myself caring more.

 

Caring about people is more satisfying for me than impressing them. It was a Groucho Marx problem of not being impressed by people who could impress so easily. I wanted to get to know deeper thinkers and form more meaningful connections with people from whom I could learn things. I didn't count on learning generosity of spirit, but that's because such a thing was inconceivable to me before I ditched my own show.

 

But I understand. People here are more used to being eased into... everything. From being eased into action, to being eased into a thought, to being eased into reality.

 

Then there you have it--everything you need to know about people. Don't you get bored?

 

Sucks that I come from Russia so LONG ago, raised here and still can't accept this culture. I don't belong in Russia either. Too abrupt for ME there.

 

Now, that's funny. Actually, the last person who was rude to you gave you a gift to work with. You get to decide whether that's the affect you want to have on the next person--and if not, why not?

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