Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

I have just started to date this guy. Its been a short time but both of us were seeking long term. I had told this guy i would rather wait a few months after grad school to try something long term. I told him i would never expect him to wait, but that i just wasn't ready. Anyways after a few days i started to think I am ready and he asked me out, he said that something about me drew him to me, and that he wanted to eliminate any other girl he was speaking to me and focus on me and be with me. When he talks about his old girlfriends they often seem hot, and often he tells me all girls want to be with him, nobody has ever rejected him and that girls always pick him up. I am not sure why he wants that to be known to me. He told me he is not superficial and doesn't even care about looks. Anyways I met him on an online dating site yet he still checks his profile even though he asked me out a few days ago and clarified with me that him asking me out meant i wasnt supposed to talk to other interests off online dating sites etc as that happened to him in the past where he asked a girl out and she was still talking to guys. Anyways it seems like he still checks his and im confused as to why he wanted me to stop talking to other interests of mine yet he sticks around on those sites...and i wonder if it is maybe to have a back up plan. How should i even bring it up?

 

fantasystar

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, Fantasy!

 

I am sorry to say that in reading your post, two red flags waved immediately out at me, and in general, I would wonder if perhaps this was not the right man for you.

 

You sound sincere and open, and he strikes me as more than a little shady to specifically ask you not to do the very thing he seems to be doing, which was one red flag. That he was still playing about the dating site would not bother me as much as the fact that he took pains to have you agree to not do this very thing, yourself.

 

The other issue to bring me pause was also contradictory and frankly, unflattering in any man, deserved or not, and that was the effort he made to tell you how hot he and his partners are, while patting himself on the back for not being egotistical about it.

 

What drew you to him? What is it you hope to get out of this relationship? Are you looking for exclusivity, at this point?

 

As to how to speak to him about this - or anything, I think candid and concise is the best approach. "Are you still active on 'x' site(s)?" "If so, why?" "Also, if so, why is it you would ask me to do the opposite?"

 

I wish you much luck, but I do not so much have a good feeling about this fellow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anyways I met him on an online dating site yet he still checks his profile even though he asked me out a few days ago and clarified with me that him asking me out meant i wasnt supposed to talk to other interests off online dating sites etc as that happened to him in the past where he asked a girl out and she was still talking to guys.

 

this is a huge red flag . . . I would bail immediately but that's just me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all.

Stating he has hot chicks after him all the time suggests to me he is manipulating you.

Saying this to you makes him sound like a really wanted man and if you start behaving like an idiot in the relationship and treating him like crap he will be able to find someone else without even trying.

 

Then he tells you not to chat and flirt behind his back with other guys and online guys.

 

If he thinks he is such hot property he wouldn't be telling you to stop flirting with other men while dating him.

 

I'd say take what he says with a grain of salt as I feel it's just false advertisement to make him sound like hot property but the matter of the fact is he is showing signs of insecurity....I could be wrong though

 

But take into consideration hat he said about chatting/flirting with other men.

 

Would you like him doing the same thing?

Knowing that if something does go a little wrong that he will be going to someone he has been attracted to and could potentially leave you then and there.

 

No one wants that thought above their head.

 

But then are you 100% sure with evidence he is keeping in contact with other women him self?

 

Even someone who is not insecure does not want that when thinking of dating someone long term.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To me he doesn't sound like a player, he sounds like an insecure, control freak.

 

Guys who are that successful with girls don't actually talk about it. A guy who talks about his hot past girlfriends and ease with women is almost certainly lying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To me he doesn't sound like a player, he sounds like an insecure, control freak.

 

Guys who are that successful with girls don't actually talk about it. A guy who talks about his hot past girlfriends and ease with women is almost certainly lying.

 

I agree with this, guys who brag are insecure and telling you to stop your searching is controlling behavior, RED FLAG! Sad thing is many women fall for this crap because they want to be the "special" one out of all the "hot" women he dates for her own ego boost. Players are experts at this tactic and it play on many womens need to be the "one" chosen out of the many hotties he is talking to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unstuck is correct.

As I said it's manipulation.

If the guy says he has soooo many hot women wanting him, then the female unwittingly thinks she needs to be the owner of this man.

 

This is insecurity but also a tactic which works for many men.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for all of your responses. I finally had an opportunity to discuss things with him and he no longer is going on the site. He stated from the start he is looking for a serious long term relationship which is what I want too. Our personalities go together so well. I have now been more open with him and told him about me being self conscious and he re assured me it is not the looks that matter. I will meet him this week and hopefully things will go good. I recognize these things as flags but my gut says that this guy is good for me. I am hoping it is not a cruel joke. One thing that I know for a fact is he is not trying to get in my pants so there is no pressure for me to be sexual. At some points these hot girls get mentioned here and there, I think maybe it is something about that idea of wanting me to want him more because these girls want him, which is an interesting tactic that I never thought of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I spoke too soon. I am now in a difficult position. As we got to know each other more the past few days he asked me what I would say to the fact that he knew any phone number i dialed, the call duration, etc I am not sure how he would be able to tell this information. Anyhow he said I should not have guy friends and he wont have girl friends. So I have ignored any guy friend contacting me and avoided seeing any. Yesterday we were on the phone and as we talked about sexual intimacy and I expressed my desires he said that I was just a tease and my kind of personality to sex is a dime a dozen. I got upset at these comments and said I found it offensive as I was being candid with feelings. Anyways he said by being so offended I made a fool of myself and looked stupid and like an idiot, and that the more he seen this side of me the less he would see me and vanish. He told me too that I was judgemental for calling a singer a loser when I talked about a concert I went to. I don't know what to do I feel so sad and empty as I really was giving this my all and I want it to work out. He said in our conversations i ask 100 questions and he asked a limited amount and gets the same information and why that is, and how he is strategic and I am not. He also brought up a story I told him of an incident that happened recently where I made out with a guy in a one night fling sort of event, and he said I had very poor judgement, and made very poor decisions. He also said that he knew more about psychology than I knew and because I am a social worker I should be smarter at reading people, but he said I was not good at reading people. He then asked me if i thought he would call me tomorrow...i have no idea what to make of any of it, its like after those comments of me being offended were made everything snapped against me. Although he said he is analyzing my every word, and getting to know me, and judging who i am. I feel so sick with myself, because I wished i didn't over react to his comments, when i apologized he said it was stupid to apologize and made me seem guilty, and apologizing causes people to loose respect for a person etc. Don't know what to do no more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He offended you and then when you called him on it, he started bombarding you with insults and guilt trips to take you from mad and offended to a door mat and pliable. These are all classic signs of an abuser, a manipulator and someone who will control your every move. You are completely NUTS to continue anything with this man. Who in the world wants to be put down by a man that is supposed to a partner and support to you? My god, that just made me sick.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fantasystar, RUN AWAY from this man, right now.

 

Like the Catdancer says, this man has all the earmarks of a control freak who will abuse you if you get in a relationship with him. He will put you down so much that your self esteem will lower and you will submit to his control.

 

DITCH HIM, NOW! Use family and friends for support if needed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...